You speak as though
You've lived a thousand lives
All filled with loss
Let me remind you
It doesn't have to be
A thousand and one

In my life I have learned 10 important truths:

1. You can't trust anybody that likes Nickelback because if they willfully listen to bad music you don't know what other bad life choices they will make

2. If a girl starts a conversation with "I just think its funny how..." you are about to die. I hope you have an eject button or a eulogy prepared, but preferably both

3. If a boy tells you he wants you to meet his family, he is definitely in love with you

4. You're going to experience heartbreak that hurts so bad you can't even get crying right. But just because you're hurt doesn't mean you're a victim and hurting others doesn't make you right

5. Never go to a wedding alone

6. White chocolate is just chocolate that got cold feet about being edible

7. Definitely eat that piece of pie because treat yoself

8. Definitely regret that whole pie later so then you have to treat yourself

9. Realize you are going to be okay

10. Write a really bad poem about it all

Tired and hopeful
I soldiered on
Searching for my
*Dawn

Our visit to your playground makes children of us both

You have a furnace heart and snow globe eyes, dear

Love makes a home in the hurt of the heart

Randomly

S p a c i n g
words
does not mean
that its a

poem

Tumbling,
    Tumbling
        Down
          The rabbit hole
            Of your daydream eyes

You tell stories of your past. Am I yet one?

Oh dear, I'm a little lost again
Which ways home?

The unspoken hurt holds heavy
On my tired timid tongue

Today is Christmas, though we celebrated it yesterday.
Today I am lonely, though I knew it yesterday.

Every word in the English language
Consists of a combination of 26 letters
All 26 escape me when I try to talk to you
What I do find comes out at as

idiwbaodyqvwzpyfdb

Its 3:30, but that doesn't matter, I'm still awake
I somehow find peace in the dark and shade
Its too bad that we cant shut down our brains
Conflicting emotions, rippling by thought's wake
Sleep for sanity, a sick and twisted trade
I'm waiting by the tracks, but where is the train?
You learn a lot about yourself and your mind
When that is all that you can reasonably find

*3/30/13

Birds chirp outside my window
I guess it is morning now
What was once the call of dawn
Is now the daunt of dusk

I daydream about seeing your bedhead

I think of you at stop signs

I was born on the twelfth day of the year
Just in time to be the last disciple but not soon enough that you'll remember my name
I'm the third of four children
Which is to say, I'm 75% sure that I know what I'm doing
I prefer even numbers and odd people
My ideal date is public people watching
Because if two people can unwrite a strangers life story then maybe they can use that to write their own
I'm an extremely picky eater
The only green things I like are cucumbers and money
And I'm far pickier than my personality permits
I've been told I'm quiet
But I'm the kind of quiet you should be afraid of
The kind of quiet that is observant enough to unmake you
The kind of quiet that does so to himself
I've got a poker face you wouldn't believe because I don't always either
I keep my cards close to the chest, sometimes too close to read
I believe that the best people tell the worst jokes
So you'll understand when I tell you that I only wear black ankle cut socks, gray if I'm feeling frisky
My best dream is finding someone to be alone with
My worst nightmare is that I never do
I was born a dozen days into 1996
Like being the last donut in the box and make no mistake I'm a sweet treat you'll have trouble working off
I guess what I'm saying is: my name is Braden
Will you remember that?

For it is the same truth
That plagues and flowers
The one who cares the least
Holds the most power

I lie awake having conversations in my head that will never happen
Weeks of practice - winning the most absurd arguments
About how much better old cartoons are compared to new ones
About what I would say if I was ever in a rap battle
About why I care about you so much
About when I will next make you laugh
About how I can't say any of this

You asked about my past, asking about the 'real me'
Beyond the security blanket called humor I drape myself in
And I wanted so badly to tell you my story
I'd practiced every tangent it could have taken
We stood, however briefly, before the abyss of admission
It dared me to leap and I laughed

For it was, of all things, the fear of getting ahead of myself that kept me from moving
Do not confuse the adrenaline of the jump with that of the quickened heart of unspoken love
Do not wield your words like cannons ready to fire at the first opportunity
Remember, that is the lesson you have learned

You asked about my past
I said, "Yes. I have known heartbreak, loneliness and loss, but I will do everything that I can so you do not."
And it was the truth
Well, the most important one

It is in the shift of your eye
That I see your mind is elsewhere
It is in the pause of your smile
That I see you're not doing well
For never as sweet is the laughter
Knowing that you're the one who comes after

I have a hard time writing about anger because ...

Anger is just sadness in a lower octave
Anger is a knot between the shoulder blades
Anger is a loud voice in an even louder room
Anger is a distant daydream gaze
Anger is a fire sustained by silence
Anger is hearing your voice in another body
Anger sounds a lot like "Sorry, I've been busy"
Anger is realizing busy really means uninterested
Anger is thinking you are in charge of your reaction
Anger is knowing you're a breath from bursting
Anger is breathing shallow to hide the shake
Anger is saying things you don't mean
Anger is not saying things you do mean
Anger is a fickle thing
Anger is just heartbreak wearing a cowards face

As I stand in the shower, shampoo in my hand, I think to myself. If Life and Death were people, would they be friends, enemies, or lovers?

For surely they must be acquainted, having both been present in the first touch of the last second space had to be alone.

Or perhaps it is that same proximity which stills the air between what is given and what must, eventually, be taken back.

Even yet, they may find romance in the reality that impermanence and beauty share the same fleeting tide.

And as I stand in the shower, shampoo in my hand, I realize they are but one movement of the same force which removes and renews.

I feel this first touch somewhere in my head and shoulders.

                       ʙᴇ ꜱᴛɪʟʟ, ɪ ʜᴀᴠᴇ ɴᴏᴛ ʏᴇᴛ ᴄᴏᴍᴇ ꜰᴏʀ ʏᴏᴜ
                       ᴛʜᴇʀᴇ ɪꜱ ᴡᴏʀᴋ ᴇʟꜱᴇᴡʜᴇʀᴇ ɪ ᴍᴜꜱᴛ ᴅᴏ
                       ᴡʜᴇɴ ᴀɢᴀɪɴ ꜱᴏᴍᴇ ʏᴏɴᴅᴇʀ ᴛɪᴍᴇ ɪ ᴄᴏᴍᴇ
                       ɪ ᴡɪʟʟ ʀᴇꜱᴛᴏʀᴇ ᴛʜᴇ ᴇɴᴇʀɢʏ ᴛʜᴇʀᴇꜰʀᴏᴍ
                       ɪ ᴅᴏ ɴᴏᴛ ᴄᴇᴀꜱᴇ ᴛʜᴇ ᴇʟᴅᴇʀ ʜᴇᴀʀᴛ
                       ʙᴜᴛ ʟᴇᴛ ᴀɴᴏᴛʜᴇʀ'ꜱ ʙᴇᴀᴛɪɴɢ ꜱᴛᴀʀᴛ

Here, the frozen moment, a most precious frame of mind
That in the greatest beauty, and in the finest art
Lies the hidden truth of man, the hardest there's to find
Belonging begins in the bravery to restart

Can the blind not envision a world around them, or is their mind's eye blind too?

We mill about our world, flaunting our edges, acting like we have a clue

Pardon any offense, Sun. For surely I mean none by it

But with your absence, and rain taking your place again

I realize, if you want the genuine feelings of someone

Give them a rainy day and a pen

I avoid my emotions like they're landmines
And I'm wearing lead filled clown shoes
Like it's a train barreling down on one lover
Or five strangers - and I have to pick
Like I just found out the brakes were cut
And I don't want to scare the others because it'd be rude
Like I said I would never go back there again
But I did

She was full of barbs and questions -
But maybe I repeat myself -
With the weight of the world bearing down
On shoulders made only for a wedding gown
She carried the world while she was awake
So that is why she always chose to sleep
And when sleep at night takes her
I praise her. I praise the dreamer -
But maybe I repeat myself.

My brain went out fishing
No king to run the keep
If my words you're wishing
Leave a message after the beep

When you've got a brain like mine
It holds onto your words like life rafts
Adrift on a sleepless sea for weeks at a time
They swirl and fester in black ink cauldrons
Double double all the toil and most the trouble
The fire still burns amidst the rubble

On one hand, life is really great, don't get me wrong
But I feel like I just know the tune, and not the song
Hum, sing, drum and dance all that you so please
But listen closely, and you will hear it on the breeze

Stars look down on Earth in light unfeigned
Judging not in kingdom or people reigned
They cast light when and where they please
Lighting even the darkest mood with ease
When I feel alone and cold at night
I look up to the stars so high for light
They haven't failed me yet, nor will they ever
Encouraging always, and following every endeavor
I hope you lie in the grass one summer night and stare
You'll soon find stars are not simply in the sky, but everywhere
It takes a fairly trained eye to see them below
And an even closer eye to see them grow
You don't see it yet like I do
But the brightest star I see is you

She is an airhead with enough buoyancy for the both of us
I've got the string tied round my finger so I don't forget it
As she lazily drifts on haphazard breezes, I try to shoot them
Teeter-totter talking about weather, sports, and partisan politics
Because when gusts come that nylon noose keeps me above ground
But only if I spit enough hot air to keep her wispy attention
Else I sprint the risk of her pine cone thicket absence
And I left my shoes with the last one
What I mean is, you are a safety net that I had no intention of casting
A Saturday morning cartoon that makes toast out of my tragedies
Buttered in the relief of freedom from prolonged desperation
I tie a second knot to be sure

You burn bridges and take names
Playing love like its a game
You'll never be able to return
After all the bridges you've burned
You burn them trying to escape
That which is sealed in fate
I'll collect the charred scraps of wood
And build you a house for good
Maybe then you'll stop and realize
In fire, not everything dies

You could watch the car come to a stop
But not his heart
You could watch the leaves fall slowly
But not her head
You could watch, but could you see?

I knew of a place in my dreams
I knew it because I'd been before
Free of loss and void of sorrow
So is it but a subtle scheme
When, in sleep, the memories soar
Swearing on the promise of tomorrow?

Evening skies trickle out the tailpipes of the cars navigating freeways
Painting the air in deepening hues of curiosity made color

What if I just keep driving?
How far will I make it?

Night slips in the back door, as Day exits the front
I can not see beyond a hundred feet
I do not remember the next curve of road
I am not sure where I am going

But do I need to be?

In the city that never sleeps
It is rare to find a place of rest
Green tree sways, sun sky sweeps
Bird bench beat in a concrete chest
For it is my big apple alibi
To learn to love the passersby

Christmas is a special time of year
A time filled with festivities and cheer
All the wrapped presents under the tree
Topped with a golden star for all to see
But those gifts don't at all compare
To the people that put them there

When I was young,

The grass was greener
The sky was bluer
The clouds were whiter

But now that I'm older,

The bills are greener
The bruises are bluer
And the faces are *whiter

Come thou times of distress and grief
Though I know myself to be weak
Worldly trials are not my end
Forever hence I will find relief
As I shall come to learn and seek
A hope which can not be penned

I think I've got some neighbors
In houses that are on either side
But I can't say that I know
The people that live inside
Perhaps they moved out last month
I don't ever see them around anymore
Their car is gone and lawn unmown
And the dead bolts locked the door
Well, that's what my window shows
I havent been out myself to see
But I'll tell you one thing I know
I sure am sick of my complacency

We've managed to connect stars into constellations
Reminders always above our heads
Of those six feet beneath our own
So the next time you look up at the stars
Know that they look back at you
And make constellations of us too

The world spins without stopping
A cosmic rollercoaster of sorts
I never feel sick by that
But when I think at night
Of that time, now far gone
I feel sick and dizzy inside

I got the cricket ticks and lip licks.
The toe taps, arms stretch, feelin' sick.

Shaking leaves from the spine, butterflies.
Figure skatin', occipital, barely making eyes.

Shortsighted. A quick flick assessment.
First contact: Human. Nervous. Got the scent.

Quick quips. Heartbeat backflips. Got a smile.
Keys out, locked in. Gonna be here a while.

Knots released, check the shoes, still tied.
Second contact: Side-eyed. Open sky wide.

Comfortable. Swappin' pictures, open air.
This here is base camp. Light the flare.

Light retreating. Sun is dipping.
Soda empty, but still sipping.

Steady handed, still footed, defiant
Listen for the cricket ticks,

silent.

The thing I hate the most about anxiety
Is its ability to turn anything into a weapon
Haunted house attraction. Hall of mirrors.
Warping what you see into something else
That curious fear in being aware of the fact
What's in front of you is not real
But looking on anyway

Favorites, Reposts, Comments:
Currency of the cacophonous conumdrum carried onward in carnivals of catatonic cherubims trading virtual cadence for confidence and compliments.

I shiver in the streetlight of my final now.

Right now, simultaneously being the last time I wait to sleep,
And the first time I fear its arrival.

It is not that I fear being forgotten.
It is that I fear never doing something worth remembering.

A deathbed is too fragile for the hard truth that the last door closed to me will be my casket.

The streetlight flickers.

Peace with this last present is a timeless question,
And I have given it pieces of me I have yet to give myself.

The streetlight flickers.

It will have to be enough.

I met you
I loved you
I left you
(Or, more accurately, you left me)

But if the devil is in the details
And a picture is worth a thousand words
Then I've got enough reasons to say

I met you
I loved you
I left you

The devil went down to Georgia
But made a stop along the way
He tossed a rock and thought
Maybe... maybe not today

So your soul went free and safe
You dodged the devil again
So put the bottle or pill away
And never let the devil win

Its hard to see the open sky
If you've forgotten blue
But its still got days to shine
And so, my friend, do you

Serenades of silence sing us to sleep
Mother and martyr to our minds
Before you run the risk of going too deep
Make sure your voice is the one you find
Don't take the plunge all at once
You're not under contract, there's no dotted line
Those who find symphony are the lucky ones
Amid mental discord, yet remaining benign