Clocks ticking

but I didn't even notice

As I lay on my back

head hanging off the bed

I hear it

tic toc tic toc tic

I'm floating

watching myself 

 sounds weird huh

I can see everything my flesh is doing

like a movie,

yet I'm above my very being...

Numb

but I can hear it

the clocks ticking

I'm praying he'll stop

tic toc tic toc tic

Musing of someone with dissasocitive identity  disorder!

Always Me Ayeshah ™ ®
         K.A.C.L.N ©
     All right reserved ®
Copyright 1977 - Present

SHAME!!!
you know ya ah ***** low down shame-
got me going insane eee- so let it work- work it right-
Awww- beep BEEP  You got me Freak ou-,
Making me wanna go-
oops up side ya oops up side ya head -
But-  Baby We can do- it take ya time-
do it
We can do it baby DO IT all night-
But seems your ready
to- Give a "Ooooh"  if ya got ya funky BUS Pass-
Get on the bus & pay ya Fare-Don't go Cuz-
I'll be- Ya freakazoid *** on & Whined me up-
Unless you  wanna- Pack Ya ship
taking you on a trip & leave Ya Worries behinddddd-
I'm crying- dah dah ah dee dah dah dee da-
When I'm alone in my room sometimes I stare at the wall-
Screaming &-
Wishing on a Star-
If You asked me to I'd do anything you want me to-
While being-
All Cried out-
See told you music is my Muse.
(Muse'ment's)
Always Me Ayeshah

I felt  something
Some thing
         staring at me
                         Yeah
                  a thing
not someone
       I glimpsed out the corner of my eye
      and shocked myself
                 when
HE  came  in to view;
          He quickly glared at me
              and
             in that moment  
time stopped still.

                  Dark & beautiful  
         Death
                stood at my door
    it was at 2:48 am
                    ( I've never felt more wanted )

Do You know where
my purple vest
is?
You know -
the one I wear when
I want to conduct
my finest work (?)
I wear with it
my purple
mini skirt
showing off
my fitting legs
and showing off
my big breast
please tell me
dear poets have
you seen it? -
My purple vest(?)
It comes with straps
that connect
to these long sleeves
and ties in the back-
It even has two
belts attached
those  belt tighten
right around my waist
connecting behind me
saddest thing is
I can not fasten
them myself
these two
strong men wearing
white outfits strap them
up for me,
Please friendly poets
please help me
find my purple vest
I have work to do ,
It's tedious work
when  all the
numerous
voices come,
talking deep
down in my head
my head hurts
and I can not
work not
with out my
purple pretty vest
So please
pretty please
with rainbow
sprinkles
Let me know
if you find it
because I
can't write with out
my purple vest-
Not in this -
padded room!
Always Me Ayeshah

Hypothetically
Would you take ya time to get to know me ,
hold me and teach me the ways of your body,
let me get to be all that you dreamed,
ya
ever waken wish and fantasy's,

Hypothetically
Could I be the one that changed
ya life
made you think twice,
must be nice to be on the outside looking in,
Wishing as hard as
I can to be the one you call ,
****
Can't you see me standing here,
waiting to dry all
your tears,
caress you after dark,
make you say my name ,

Hypothetically
Could you look at me
like that,
make
me smile right back ,
touch you like no other
& take you as more than my lover,
feel the rain falling on us
as we made love
in a heated rush,
Listen to your heart beat
as you fall fast asleep,

Hypothetically
walk with you & talk with you
listen to your heart ache your problems ,
your desires and
things that others can't see,
Could
you let me in even
just for a tiny bit ,
let me see whats it is that's
got me doing flips,
making me want you so badly
and
thinking of you constantly,
missing you when
I can't see you or touch you,
I want to hug you,
rub you and love you,
Couldn't
you
understand me
or the pain
ya causing me
cuz
your not here with me,
What
Would
you do if I told you
I know you more
than you think
I do,
If I could conceal
all that you went
through
so you wouldn't
have to show and prove,
Couldn't
you put up a
front and
act like your
in love with me too,
See
I been where
you been
a time or too
but
if only you knew..,
even thou I
asked

You all this,
What would you say
and do,
If
I meant it all this
in stead
of asking you
Hypothetically
????
(some times you just need to know!)
ALWAYS ME
AYESHAH
Copyright ©
Ayeshah
K.C.L.N 1977-Present YEAR(s)
All right reserved

Chocolate luscious lips
spreading opening
like a blooming flower,

Honey dew kisses trinkling down
while you drink
from my over flowing cup of lust.

Meaningful quips.

Said so softly, caressing whispers as

I whimper while softly
crying out your name,

Lustful stares,

while you extracted
a scream from my lips,

holding

my gaze all the while you've
probe my delicate rose bud.

Stockinged thighs and garter belts dance
to my ankles like swinging vines.

Hands on knees and up my legs,

opening me.

Licking, Kissing, *******...

We breathe rapidly.

Once again legs begin to part,

as quickening hearts beat faster and faster.
Music to my soul,

you breathlessly
call out my name,

Silken fingers touch,

unfolding petaled tulips,

Soft succulent kisses
traces up and down bodies,

the emotional ramification's,

left me speechless

while you profess your need for me ,
your love for me.

going insane,

grinding *****,
pumping groins.

"0oo-oh-ooo"

Screams aloud, muscles strain...

Proudly legs wrap around waist.

Soulful moans rant
the night as bodies collide,

crashing towards ecstasy

the seed is sown.

Passions met.

Heated to a cooling sweat.

Slowing the earth
is turning right again.

I can hear our hearts beating.

tangled feet's still dance together,

legs mingled in sheets.

Blankets scatter all over the

bed.

Spilling on to to floor.

Warm and cozy,
hazy feeling and a bit love sick too
like in a lazy dream.

Out of steam and out of breathe,

panting and trying to stand.

My legs give way and buck from underneath,

smiling eyes stare back at me .


Someone wake me from this dream.

Of

♥♥♥♥****** Gratifications!♥♥♥♥

Always Me Ayeshah

Did I imagine the look in your eyes?

Did I dream this,

terrible falsehood you've projected me to see?

How can you mean all you've said,

clearly with out speaking?

There  was something in your eyes.

Something we both know you'd rather me see,

but

yet you've failed to fathom a word...

Please don't say it,

I already know what your looks mean...

she's longing  for you,

someone you need & she's important to you,

more than me...

I'm no longer important...

Please just walk out,

leave us be, my children don't need to know

or

see what I've just seen....

Keep going on out my front door,

don't hurt me with this look,

like I've done the dirt.

When you know it's been you all along...

I can even smell her on you,

Go on & start your new life,

Your eyes speak to me

where words can't express,

the magnitude of your deceit

&
I'm sicken because if it...

ashamed & a mess...


When you looked at me,

I should of known this look

  for I've seen it before.

Never did I imagine,

I'd see you look to me with such a look,

not ever again.

Stupid me;

I've forgiven you once...


I thought this was a dream,

I even pinched myself,

but

it's real, it true,
the look tells me

I am destined to walk on

as

your new life begins & the dreams

and

promises you've given  ends,

I've seen this look before and it tells me,

You're looking for more,

but not from me,


not with me...


no not from me.

I guess love isn't in the stars for me,

and

I wish you well on your journey.

Just leave me alone
&
don't look at me anymore!

My heart can't take-

what isn't being said...

Always Me Ayeshah ®
Copyright ©
Ayeshah
K.C.L.N 1977 - Present YEAR(s)
All right reserved ®

This bed seems so huge,

                                 so wide

                             and yet here we lay

                               like  we're

                oceans away

                          in the Mediterranean

        *spaced-out from each other,

                 your so far from me.

                            We're spent,

                                  in deliberate denial,

                                                 unfinished or satisfied

                                                            wit­hout words,

                        without understanding,



                                   we hold onto our lacerated heart's,

                                          giving in  the only way known

                     carnally,unabated & undoubted

    least in the carnal way.

                              I crave the unknown,

to be explored like never before,

                                        to be made whole

                                             and touched within my soul,

                                        where my body ignites

                         from the inside out.

                                                    I'd like to know

                                    what it'd feel like to be

                                                            ­ consumed

                                                     ­                   by  "Love's"

                           ­                                                         * lustful ******

                                                        ­         more than the

                                                  heat of passion,

                                 in such a way

                               which leaves me quaking,

                                               shaking, quivering

                                         and yearning for more.

                          Once we've spent our

     feverish attempts

             on last-night's seductions,

under a moonlit sky,

                                I'm left inexorable,

                                       as my body spasms,

                                                        ­         longing for more than

                                    what the flesh attempts to give.

                                            I'll argue against the pejorative

                               illusions of our love making,

                         which deludes my mind

                                             to believe this is what

                                               it means to have

                                  "Love's" acceptance

                          without the actuality's

                                 of loving me....

           We were intoxicated-

                               with wonderment

                                                  as we explored

                                         one another,

                                                 yet
                                                  "Love's"

                                   *touch nor "Love's"

              *inspirational caresses

                                 & soulful idealization's

                                             were present.

                      It never enter that room,

                                            sedately I felt a

                           magnificent release,

                                             * yet I'm still longing for

                      "Love's" fulfillment

                          *and for you to concur

                                         my deepest emotions,

                              as you'll ****** deeply

                                             within my velveteen walls.

                                  * I'll moan,

                            crying out for what's

                                             *about to come

                         and for that

                     moment we'll be one.

                         But only within

                that moment

      because you

             know as well

        as I do

              that "Love's"

                       making such

            a Fool of me!

                  * Always Me Ayeshah ™ ®
                *K.A.C.L.N ©
                 All right reserved ®

                   *Copyright 1977 - Present ©

This is the part I hate,
                                the part
                          where we divide  
                                             assets,

                                 divide memories,

                                          oh, I remember this CD,

                                        we danced and laughed

                        twirling round and round.


                                                        ­ Would you like half of that,

                            or how about the way our little girl

                                   learned how to ride her first                                          

                                   bike and the time we lost our first child,


                    the many times
      I've bailed you out,

                            the uncountable tears shed
                       for each one of your

                    lies and affairs.


            How do I give you half
         of what's left

                          when you've taken
        the very best of me,

                                like my trust & unconditional love,

                            the way we'd sit with out
        a word,

          our minds spoke to each other,
                               maybe
I can divide the many times
          
            we made love
and you'd finish before I did,                                                             ­                    the many friends
                I've given up

                         because you felt left out,
                              & didn't want them around
                or the many nights of
isolation when you went out...


                    We should
separate  & divide
                           the moments

                                        when sparks flew
                             day one at that BBQ
                       You  & I were best friends,

                           we'd even finished each others sentences,
                               sometimes a gesture a glimpse
                        or a look was all it took,
no words
             and we most times then not understood...

14 years I knew the good man
the best friend, You divided him,
                            
                           Vows said and brown eyes
              held mines for 11 years
                                              8 of them were so blissful,
                                 3 of them were unbearable
after you slept with my best-friend
                  
          because
                      you couldn't compete with me
                                                            ge­tting my education
                      why compete
                                      when you had already won,

                  never were you second
                                                    until you put you self there.
                

I can't believe it's come to this,

                                                 *but I should of expected,
                    since
           you've always had
                                         one foot out the door,
                                  like you
               didn't belong here.

Can you divide
                   the many times
                                           we'd have a fight
                                                   for the most silliest & unimportant things
like who ate the last piece of cake
                                                   or who dranked my apple juice
           the making up was so good.

                                                   How about
                   the times we traveled

            and because of me
you got to go to Canada
                     for father's day June 2008

or travel every where east...


            Let's tally up and separate
                            the times
                                    we've danced to no music

                         or made snow angles,

             the times we spent on
                         a mountain top
                                       cuddled by a camp fire,

                                                      the stories of us
                                isn't pose to be over

                                            but  how
                       can we now
         deduct all this, write it up on sheets of paper

            who gets which memories,
                                          who take with them this much
                                             good & bad history?

            The many love letter's
                                            hand written to each other

                                                long before you ever went to jail,
or the times when
               we'd lay in bed & just laugh
                                                     talking of nothing important,


                can they-- them lawyers calculate
                                            and divide the many miscarriages

                    caused by your stress,

                                or the many times your voice carried hate for me,

                        or the times we've  had *** in the lake,

            the first time on your face
                                       when you seen your first ocean,
                                               & the New York high-rises.

                                 The tear you cried on
                                                            th­e day we were married,
                                         or how about
                            they divide the way you told me
                                                        you no longer loved me
                           you never wanted me
                                     and our marriage has run it's course,

           like most have done and said to me-- you told me

            my best wasn't ever good enough,


how she'll always in your eyes

        be way better than me

but you, still after saying this **** didn't leave...


                        Let's not forget our very first kiss

                                    you sunk it and yet my head reeled.


                                        Can we divide the many nights
            you'd hold me

            for no reason at all
                  or when we first dated & you'd call,

                                            member we talked
                                                          ­on the phone until      
                                  the   break of dawn,    
    our very first fight--
yo *** came to my house
                                   & slept at my door

and promised ever to hurt me.


                Too late
O'too late for regrets when

                    those promises weren't all the way met,

                    because we can't divide

        the lonely nights
   the hitting me and cheating,

                 the hours staying up wondering

if you're alright,
the many times our  
          girls begged me
                      not to leave you.


                    To give daddy just  
one more change, please mommy

                or the many times they've
   felt it was because of them

                         things went from  
  great,
ok,
        to terribly bad,

            or the many
memories of you

                        and that beautiful smile and how

                                            you lit up their world

                     yet sadly teaching them how a man treats a girl,


how for now on anytime
they think their in love

                    it'll be your ****** up
                                   ****** off mistreatment

they'll be reminded of.


                                Remember when  you told our girls you'd

                                    always be there,

                    right here for them & even me,

the many times they'd wake up
from a nightmare
you'd
        sooth all
their worries & doubts,

or even the time's
I'd wake screaming?


                        You'd hold me
tightly & so close,

        but little did I know
the screams
that woke me
                       would be from  the
membrance of

            Us & the disappointment

            I now feel for ever falling
           for you!

Can You Divide?


Always Me K.Ayeshah ®
Copyright 1977 - Present ©
K.A.C.L.N ©
All right reserved ®

You said

You'd be my Baby,Never try to play me,

Temptation's  got to your head

Love was just a word ,

Caught up in the moment

Didn't Mean a word you said

Romance just a thing of the past

Possibility's of you & me

The life we could of had..,

You Said,

You'd never leave me

I not knowing you deceived me..

Whats going on in your head

Told me I'm ya one and only  

than left me lonely

I'm hurting so badly

Thinking of all you said to me

Got me Always guessing

what you might be doing

And

who you doing it to...,

You said i was ya Lady

I must be going

CRAZY  

Thought you'd save me  

from pain and abuse

The normal thing's

I'm used to,

But

your doing it too  

Baby your  pose to be my destiny.

Look what you've done to me !


You said

You'd be My Papi  

Now you trying to knock me  

Make me less than i am

I thought you was my man

You Said

You got me  

That I'm all you want & need


Got me crying & weeping

in a heap  with grief

pain and disbeleaf.


You Said

There was no other  

Now your taking

Application's for lover's!


You Said,


I was the best

now she's laying  on ya Chest

Claiming ya body

touching whats pose to be Mines

My Papi

My Baby

My Man....

It must be a bad dream

A night mare


I got to find peace

&

try to understand you.

From what I let you do to me,

I believed in all you told me

As you laid with me ,

While i let you hold me,

You Said

So so many thing's

They were just word's ..

still i want(ed)  to be with you,

Lord

I'm so confused ..

You said,

All I wanted to hear

My Baby

Papi

I gave in to you

I can't believe you'd

hurt me

Not like this..


You said you wouldn't

THEN

Showed me you

the truth about you...,

But

believe me

I will always remember

all the thing

YOU SAID!

(Thursday, March 1, 2007)

Always me Ayeshah

I'm laying in my tub
full of bubbles and bath salt,
relaxing as the music plays,
I'm letting my mind drift away,
I need to forget.
Regain what's left of me,
My sanity's
in question
and
I know your wondering,
Guessing
did You just get the best of me.
(?)
You had all of me
and
now what's left of me is to be here in this world,
without a life line.
I will survive yet that's all I'll be doing  is surviving,
not even really living.
Going day by day without letting my emotions show,
I rather be a hollow shell,
and
As my life goes on- on and my story  for "Tales",
You'll hear She was a good woman
She put everything into her kids,
She was
copacetic and had so much  love to give,
She was like her Grand mama,
Un be knowing to anyone,
When You left-  I died inside.
I carried on like nothing was wrong,
I acted like
everything was cool,
laughing smiling too,
Yeah- you know how I do,
But
no one notice the light that died in my eyes,
The sparkle that went out
when you took my heart away,
No one will see my pain because,
I'll play brave and put on my poker face,
I'll hang out with friends
and
pretend.
Answer back even when
I don't want to be in their mix.
Even when
I'm asked question's
I'll give all the right answers.
While I cry mentally inside.
I'll go out and shake my *** get another's number
knowing I'll never call.
I'll work my *** off for a little while longer,
reinvent myself and try to some how become stronger,
over come you and this creeping pain you left me feelin,
This ache  you've caused me ....,
I'm laying in my tub,
Bubble bath all around me & bath salt too.
The waters over flowing.
My mind draws a blank
and
the pill bottle's now empty-
falls outta my hand.
I was thinking,
I could live with out you...,
That was until the pills
Kicked In!
Always Me Ayeshah

But this is only for tonight
Only this chance

Only here in this moment  & only for this space and time

We won't be able to try again

Come morning we'll exit here
and I'll dissappear

We'll have this one memory
this one chance

It's only us

Only here

Only this moment 

Only for this space and time

We'll  make it last & make it sweet

You'll be satisfied

I'll be content with it all baby

And never again
can we repeat what we do here

So take your time

Enjoy every fiber of us
every touch moan & screams

Love me like you'll never see me again because you won't

Since I'll only do this once

ONLY FOR ONE NIGHT

I lay here staring at my ceiling,
Thinking what have I done?
Could I really let this happen?
To me to us?
You made me cry not purposely
it just happened sort of like us.
Tears keep falling
as I listen to myself and while you also talk.
I'm a mess and there's no way to fix me.
You tore me apart  as
You've shattered my heart,
I want to be everything to you
like you are to me,
I want you to never  
let me go and keep me in your arms,
with you is where I belong.
Yet You've left me in tears as
I realize what this is between us  isn't fair,
its not right
but its
OK no matter long as  you stay,
don't go because then you take away
all that we are all that we've become.
Papi
I know I can have anyone
but the one person I want is you,
It wasn't your fault.
I guess it was me,
No I'm sure it's because of me.
See I know our love can't be forced
& what happen to us wasn't by choice,
we meet at the wrong time  
and at the wrong place
but look how much better we are because of it.
This  that we now share.
Perhaps we weren't meant to be yeah right that's  such a cliche,
Because we are meant to be,
like when God mad Eve for Adam,
She invented me for you,
I'm your rib papi,
I'm your mate for life our souls have be in contact
even before you or I ever laid  our eyes  on the other.
It still doesn't seem to help,
Because I know that no matter how this story unfolds
we have to think of  what's best for everyone involved
and right now I'm being selfish
and You even said
"Baby your not making  sense".
I know I'm not.
That's the other part of  my problem,
since I fell for you the way
I did nothing makes any sense.
Now that I know you  love me
I don't want to loose it,
The love that we have.
Your a great man,
A wonderful friend.
What do I do with out all that we once shared?
I try so hard and for so long now
I've fought myself
and to me my thinking's all wrong.
I say let it end
because with this situation there's
no one that's gonna win.
There is no positive out come in this.
You say it wont last this pain  
I placed my self in.
I tried  over and over to close my heart,
but again  I fall so got **** hard,
what have you done to me
because for some reason
my heart won't let go
& my mind just keep holding on to.
My soul wont let me be,
and my spirit screams your name
as tears fall down my face.
I've tried more than
once to get over you
but you unintentionally
make it so hard.
I thought love was joy
but I've got nothing to gain
**** that I have everything to loose.
For now it's  just sorrows,
tears and more pain as day by day
I see the changes in me the way we used to be.
I open my heart to you,
So un-use to a Man like you,
I am still willing to make a mends
and take that chance with you.
*** if only you knew,
But will you ever truly know,
Can't you guess
I'm a wreck with or without You
and its ME not you that doing all of this,
I play mind tricks with
myself because I'm scared,
I'm affaid to even give more of me away,
Yet I give unconditionally to you,
even when I try so hard not to.
See for me the the day the pain started was when
reality came knocking.
It was the day I realized,
How important you are
and what it really means
not to have you in my life.
it truly scares the hell outta me
to think or even come close to believe that
I'LL NEVER BE WITH YOU AGAIN!
And that's
Something I just can't live with.
(so I wont.)
Always Me Ayeshah

Your a Sick ****,

do you get pleasure outta gutting out my heart.

You laugh as you disassembled my comfort zones

shattering with your sledge hammer

my illusionist'tic dreams,

you opened my mouth and cut out my words

with a ***** dull kitchen knife,

stomping me into silence,

choking out the voice of reasoning

You Sick ****

you told me

if I didn't like WHAT you had to say,

I should take my own  advice

"stick a **** in ya ear & **** what you heard"

implying this is what I should do myself huh?

WELL

just like I told you

just cause you eat *** don't give you the right to talk ****.  

You laugh,

I cry.

I laugh.  
Now you cry.

You don't cry for the pain you cause me

or

from the bitterness you made me feel...

You cry cause I got yo **** in these vice grips,

I got these pliers squeezing down

on your *****...

Now you can't cry, holla or speak...

Our roles reverse

I'm the torturous ****!

HA HA HA How you like me now,

I guess you don't......

I don't hear you mocking me now  

don't hear you talkin out yo trap

funny ain't funny when the jokes on the both of us

vinegar and water just don't mix.

Confession of a psychopathic *****!

You sick ****!

( sigh)  

Always me Ayeshah

Umm, Ahhh ooooO Uh-Ohhh

AaHhHhHhH

YESssss,

ummmm,

whispering whimpers,

longing cravings

skin to skin

Arms wrapped in braided tangles

brown on light brown

lips open

Tongues dancing in & out,

out & in thrusting hard,

powerful masculine

sweat mixed with lovely scents

Rushing fast catching the beat,

rhythmic pulsations tingling

Dancing out slowly

in again deeper

anger pain

hurting yearning,

Heart beats  tuned as one

cries rant the night

fading fading

floating higher,

Nails digging in lines

on lines as sweat & blood mingled

Push pound more

more & more

Deeper harder

filling up

over flowing consuming

lovers lust,

Stop, pause

Breath

legs shaking eyes wide open

stolen dreams

realities fantasies

Rays of morning light shine within

dawns breaking

Start over repeat , drifting fast to sleep

Dewy kisses on eyelids

forehead mouths & cheeks,

Caressing bodies

melt away

Ummmmm

Uhm

oooOoo YyyeEesssss Ohhh AHHH

Mmmmm,

Lust felt Love(rs)!

Always Me Ayeshah

Ahem,
Uh
excuse me-
just what do you think your doing?
barging in on my life,

causing a ruckus after so long now
it's was fun

while it lasted but your my past
&
I know you know better then
to try and relive what can never be again...

You love who

um hell naw
not me,

see
I once was blind
but
baby I see clear through
your
fake persona
to the
little devil who'll use
what ever he can
to try and become my man,
you
had ya chance
and
you ******* blew it,
don't  keep emailing or texting me
I want nothing to do with you
and
how sad
cuz
when I wanted you
It was you
playing hard to get
not so much
to get
just so **** hard
to hold on to,

I left that part of my life,
left the bitterness and pain too,
your words never hurt
as much
as
your actions-
caused me to
wanna die,
**** you too
but
what then
of the seed you planted in me,
now as
months,months and months go by
I laugh at my stupidity
for thinking everything
you said
you meant....

Please
save it for someone who
gives a flying ****
I guess you can say through it
all and after all this time
my feeling & self
have changed
feeling regret and hate
for the careless
way you tossed me away
tossed my words back at me
and
choose to
play  games on me


begging me to let you back in
You had me thinking
we could of been more
then just friends
and
more then anything
we could of been a
family....

funny
sadly so
cuz I no longer have
those feelings
I just pity the useless
way you drag on begging
and running after
memories

something that
COULD NEVER
BE NOW

Not again
not after all the **** you did
not after all the pain you caused
and
never after all the loss
I went through.

Sorry didn't do
so save it for her
she finally got what she wanted
and
I'm happy for her
cuz least it aint me any longer &
I no
longer worry hurt or even miss you.

Stop
bothering me
Stop lying to your self
Strop trying to make me feel
something
that wont ever
be there again.

Save
"Sorry"
for the weak minds
who'll
listen to your
*******...

Sorry
again huh

OK

your right

your
a
SORRY
*******
SO
KEEP SORRY TO YA'SELF
&
GET THE **** ON
outta here
LEAVE ME
THE HELL ALONE!

haa haa haa

HAAAAAAAA

Remember

We said

No Regrets

Always Me Ayeshah

A  rare breed in deed.,
Handsome, strong and true,
Your romanticism(s)
have many guessing or left in  
awe as well as wonderment.
How
You were created,
in such a way as to leave
Women of all sizes and ages
drugged on your ***** words,
As they salivated over each syllable,
each phrase,
what ever lyric & note you present,
So masterfully into your intellectual verses,
Their begging  
for mental release many are begging for you
to consume their baser needs,
In the end the results the same.
Competitions and playing games,
While many of them do this
I'm
sitting back with a grin,
Seizing opportunities
instead of battling for you.
Getting to the root and core,
adding up the possibility's & taking score.
keeping my dignity in tack but like most,
I'm extremely fascinated with you,
Your aura compels me as you put a spell on me.
Like them
Females begging for a treat,
Yet the difference is
I keep it held deep inside.
Not showing my feeling
Leaving them so blatantly open.
Never wishing to come second so I stay where I am,
While longing for you from a distance's
Keeping up this friendly appearance.
My soul begs too,
For you to write about  me talk about  
me,confess your dying love for only me,
Reality is you don't know I exist,
As a friend you see me
but
I'm more like the buddy you see once in a blue moon.
Such a rare Man,
A rare species.
Successfully you've heighten,
Your lyrical accomplishment(s)
setting goals in motion as if your words
were your shaft  
emotionally making love,  
not just words and your objectives necessary,
To achieve a particular task,
I've realize a particular dream or to satisfy
a particular need & want,
for a particular period of time obviously
I read you sort of well
but only time will now
Tell- the truth but for me this is all I need,.
For now
I've surmised the realness in
and
about you and to me it's more then cool
cuz
I see this as another interlude of&about; you,
The you
I've been wanting to get next to and that's another story since
I'm trying to get close to you make you feel as I do and have you see the bounties of being wit me.  For now
This is  me looking forward to finding  
out more about you
so I can add it  in my little notes...,
Toward A Definition of You!
Copyright © Ayeshah K.C.L.N 1977-Present YEAR(s)
All right reserved

Selectively mines,  on conditions that I don't step out of line, don't dare ask too many questions because it makes you answer with more questions where I'm turnt into the bad guy,

the one who doesn't understand, it's all my fault somehow, it's because of me, I failed to give into to ridicules accusations or allow defeat, I was pushed past the point of breaking ,

I even lost me a few times, I've been insane for as long as I can remember but this time it's completely different, I wake to walk in fear every hours of the day,

I'm made to feel ashamed for loving you, told I'll never be as good as the one you're faithfully into someone whose not even known you not the real you not as I do,

seed after useless seeds polluted a once healthy womb, drop after drop tears fell ******* shadows passing me up,

leaving me for what may become a happy ending to this fairytale nightmare,screaming myself away flinging covers off of me, laughing as I cry  out darkness, so dark and the scents nostalgically unpleasant, the many times her scents lingered on you

even in thought I conjure up the smell of lies, the musty deceit, the filthy metallic accusations thrown at me

Selectively mines when it suites your ego and when it's not inconveniencing you, I'm turnt into the bad one the person whose always to blame,



                  the one who
doesn't understand,
                it's all my fault                        
                      somehow,
it's because of me,
           I failed to give into
                           to ridicules accusations
                                                       or allow defeat,    
                                                  I was pushed
                                                     past the point of breaking


the reason you need her - where I no longer have a place, I had no choice too, I had to move on.

Hardest things to do when your reaching for a hand but end up with  straws, darkness and no help, dreams unpleasantly real, craving a touch a kiss, to be notice.

        Knock knock,    
              
                          whose there?
                                  
                                             No one....
                                  
                                       Just your
                                        
                                                  Wife of 11 years.


                                  Always Me Ayeshah ®
Copyright 1977 - Present ©
K.A.C.L.N ©
All right reserved ®

Ummm oO O Baby


I'm so sure your


gonna be good,



So Good & sweet,





Baby you got me
longing & yearning
for you

Your what I've
been waiting
for all day,


I counted
the minutes
until
I got home



Even lit some candles
& set the mood,


I bet your gonna
melt in my mouth



Explode baby-
all over,



Mmmm



So luxurious & luscious
I rushed outta work
to get to you,





Baby ummm
I wanna feel you-
Feel you
burst inside of me,



Over flowing
with
your sweet
juices




Dripping
as you



dribble down
the side of my mouth,





Baby I wont waste  
a drop of you,



I'm gonna savor
every single
bit of you,




I can almost feel you,




Ohhh how I need
you right now





Your worth
the wait,




Believe me Baby,




Ummm your so hot




Stickey silk soft
smooth and
ready for me



So welcoming-
Baby........





Yes oh OOOO
Umm Yes




I can't wait
No more,



Oh how you
tease me




Baby Baby Yes-




I'm gonna enjoy
you so much!





I see your  finally
ready for me.



**** Baby
I Love  You........


My sweet wonderful


¡!Cream Filled Cupcakes¡!

Always Me Ayeshah

Festering cycle
 no cure
no remorse

Enjoy the pain
the hateful shame
 laughing
crying out
 my bitter contemp

No compensation
No shelter
the burdens my own

The grief and disbelief
A magnificently unrealistic
Illustration of illusions
Manifesting and dwelling hallow in me like stones

A shameful weight

Holding me hogtied ****** dry & raw....

I have no words
  no tears shed,
miserable awareness,
while darkness & blissful unconsciousness...

Please consumes me 
 as this unauthorized
 swollen massive fleshy member

continues it's assault

 in & out of me. .

Always Me Ayeshah ™ ®
         K.A.C.L.N ©
     All right reserved ®
Copyright 1977 - Present

I thought of you today,
I didn't want to,
Do you know why?
after the rain comes the sun
but it's still raining since you've reveled your true colors,
still storming like my insides and my feeling,
I watched you sleep again,
I looked at your angelic face and thought of all this pain
you've caused.  How can I still love you,
Funny I hate you too,
I want you then again I don't.
But I can't loose, it's become like a game and I'm out to win,
my vendetta's to cause you pain.  Pain worst then you've caused me,
But while I watch you sleep  
I think of what we shared last night,
I think of how you cried and apologized.  
How you came to bed on your knees,
The way you held me, Aided me in my pain-  the pain you caused me to feel.
Thinking on how you caressed  and loved me most of the night,
how you kissed me all over,
I felt the ice chip a little from my heart,  but not enough to give up my revenge.  An old friend  called today asking to out to lunch, I say sure why not  thinking of I could just get  you off my mind.  
Jumped in the shower & left.
I felt good and brand new, like a new woman.  
I met him at Chilli's. He pulled out my chair  and had already order my favorite;  
Mozzarella sticks.  I order a Margarita and we talked for awhile  as he looked into my eyes  I thought maybe just maybe I'd extract my revenge on you  with him.  I know he wants to be with me but is it fair for me  to use a good friend like him.  
Making him pay for what you did o me?  
Naw I think not,  not when I can just leave you alone and make him king of my throne.
Not when for all this time that  I've know him he's been nothing but good and a true friend.
You slept and I crept back in but not before  He left me with a kiss on my lips, I thought "WOW" he still wants me and just maybe -maybe
I should give you up and stick with him. But I'd never get with anyone on the rebound, I rather leave things as they are. Meaning at this point I wont let you go  I also wont be really holding on,
Not after what You've done to me, How can I forget so easily You've been with someone else
,You confessed your love to another, You've lied and deceived me,
Hurting the only one whose been there for you  even when your own family wouldn't.
You know as well as me that if it wasn't for me  
You'd be out on the streets, You'd be left homeless and hungry,  But not I'm homeless too now metaphorically speaking ,
Truth be told this house is no longer a home.  
I don't know what to do,
As I go walking I'm still left..........
So Confused.
Always Me Ayeshah

There use to be  
                meaning to the word  LOVE
                                Now; Love's meaning
                                              is to use people
                                
                           Selfless is now;
                                     being more
                                                  selfish
                                            
                                        Once there used
                                                      to be a woman
                                                               who loved
                                                           ­            LOVE  

                                                         She got used
                                                            ­   to being Used
                                                                ­   & now LOVE is no longer
                                                                ­                          welcomed here
                                                                ­                               ANYMORE!

He Don't
want me but he loves to **** me , cover it up with words of love, Words &promises;, like I'll do better& we can start again.Sorry.

He Don't
want me but as I grow and my body swells I laugh within myself,I lead my self down this destructive road knowingly, given in to my own self needs, My want to be happy wasn't meant to be hiss imprisonment, The words thou the Way he said em ,The ways he feed them in to me,Left me feeling Unique,Special,Like a Queen, & him then The king of all kings,  His subjects groveling at his feet.

He Don't want me
and no matter how much I want to do this all over again Knowing the results in the end is already evidently clear, I wont win,Not him,He's not up for grabs, not a treat to be had, Just the trick-ster playing on my lonely heart,  When it comes to the Man I want yeah He came real close ,closer then most for me to still be dwelling on past Re living it as I see myself leaving in stead of spreading wide for him..

He Don't want me
No matter what we say or do, I know this to  already be true, like the declaration's and amendments set forth for something better, protection was better,
How funny I'm the only one paying the price in this life time, Man Oh Man I can count past my hands how many times I heard "girl you know I only want you" or "be my wifey"
& lets not for get he says over & over again "I'll take care of you".
Funny the caring and all the rest  He's said to the lil' no ones- like me plus that wifey thing He's been spitting to them other Chicks he calls queen,
I've now seen him with  so many, So many times since claiming me His queen
& its been long since know that He Don't want me.
So I'll LEAVE!
Always Me Ayeshah
Copyright © Ayeshah K.C.L.N 1977-Present YEAR(s)
All right reserved

TRAPPED,STUCK,

CAUGHT IN TWO PLACES,

IN THE MIDDLE AND LIKING IT MORE
than
I should,

Liking the control and the power of love,
Being in lust & being in love,
Being in lighten

Courageously in awe of these new feelings,
I'm well
let me say it this way,

I love "him" for so many different reasons,

I love him the OTHER dude- too for

"other" reasons,

My Love

is the same YET so completely different.
In-Love with one & Lusting for another,

Intimacy is concurred in the arms of my Lover,

All the things You used to do is now replaced,

My miss trust and all the things "he" do used to be US,

See I wont leave You & can't give "him" up,

You know
of him and "he" knows
I used to be in-love, with you,
In lust with the likes of you too,
You both think
I'm with out the other ,

If only you 2 knew !

Trapped in this triangle
was something I never wanted,

Yet here I am

Caught torn between whats right
and my like of love,
for one verses
My lust for the other,

Deceit ,

Miss guiding lies.
I played my cards & now I have you both on either side.
How
can I choose when both of you make me whole,
Make a complete package
with out the both of you there is no 100% not even 80% ,

50% for you and for 50% for"him".

I melt when"He" touches me ,

I cry when this one leaves,

I fight for "his" attention,

I beg for that ones peace,

I crave his wisdom,

I long for this "ones" excitement,

I adore this ones wilder adventures,

I linger for "his" anticipation's,

I dream of his body,

while "he" the other rock gentle inside me,
this other-

His kiss makes me think of that "ones" lips,

How am I to choose ?,

When each part of the other 's
like choosing of twins,
the same yet so unique,
so different.
I lust for one,
in love with the other,

Love this one &
long for that one, want him yet keep
my distance & play with
someone else,
had him ,
let that 'one" go,

Now I have the both of you & can't choose!
whose who & which will get hurt,
worst thing is

I'm the fool
for being selfish ,

For doing the wrong thing
and letting it carry on this long .

Yet
I can't let go,! No I WONT,

Not even a little,
the way my lover takes me and the way he holds me ,
doing all my man wont do.

Yet the history my man &
I share isn't fair to continue with this love  affair
or is it the end.
and

I'm to weak to say good bye,

I'm too self centered to
let him love another or even let him try,

I can't see him with no one but me ,

I don't want him given what once was mine,
yet

I'm given what was never really his,

My lovers been getting the best of me and never did

I open myself to my man like I've been to my lover,

My lover has me twisted inside to where

I'm no good for any other dude,

YET
that's a LIE

Since my man has me ****** up too,
He has it where

I wont leave & I'm stuck cheating,
'But taking caring of  our home ,
See how

I can blame everyone but me-myself is at fault
and
I'm pointing to anyone but whose to blame?
ha ha hee hee

I got lost & caught in a players game,,

How am I to choose
when I love him & "him" too
& They-Both (Love ME so?)

I'm ****** up &

I'm So TORN-

TRAPPED!!!!!
Always Me Ayeshah

Why do I answer or even text,
Why do I pay any attention to you at all?
Must be the way you talk or how you write,
must be I'm loosing my mind,
"I love you" ,
YOU
keep saying,
But
if this is love then please take it away,
I don't want to feel a thing,
In time I know in time
I'll heal,
start to feel again,
Start to live again but right now,
Right now I just can't.
Can't seem to make it,
can't seem to take it,
Can't strive for better,
But I smile to myself,
for the memories.
I need to do this,
and
On my own for now  or until eternity
If that's what it takes for me to find  
a semblances of peace.
I know you say it's killing you
cuz
I moved away,

But it was
killing me to stay,
I had to let go
and
be as free from you
as I could be,
I loved you and was there,
In love but was it real?
Still love you and that's what scares
the hell out of me,
Cuz
You've always be free
unlike me,
I still even now wont talk to anyone
and
still wont let anyone
touch what
I still consider yours.

You love me thou huh?
Funny thing about that word
love,
I can't say it wasn't
but
If this is
Love,
I no longer want it.
I no longer want to hold my pillow tight and cry for you,
No longer do I want to wake up reaching out for you,
No longer do I want to carry your seed,
No longer do I want these hurtful memories,
How do I let go,
Tell me?
If it's so easy
How
about you show me,
Prove it!
You said you'd never hurt me,
Never let me go,
You said I was yours,
Your world,
You lady,
Your Queen,
So who
wears the crown now,
Who'll
hold you down when your tormented and
Your own demon's
come kicking and screaming??
You gave me your world ,
Forever & never,
I guess
"Never"
was the other day,
But wait
you fail to see or understand,
You
can't take back what's been done,
My Yesterday's
will forever be like foot prints in the sand,
Naw
like footprints forever in concrete,
You were my happy ending,
Tragically
for me it ended not as planned,
It's what's best you say
I gave you too much advise
and
Now look at me,
Look really hard & good,
Can you get glue,
nail's and a bunch of other stuff,
Rebuild what you broke,
Open up and sew up my soul,
Mend this broken heart
and
recapture what onces was,
give back to my eyes that held you captivated,
that special spark?

Look at me now
and
You'll
see someone so completely different!
So unlike me
am I now,
easily I smiled,
My eyes lite up when You or anyone talked,
You could tell my thoughts,
Friends read me some times like a book,
You claimed
it was all in my eyes which never lied,
You said this and so many things,
Like You knew you were in love with me,
You knew I was forever yours,
Always would We be like we once was,
You never promised but I wish now that
You would of
cuz
Promises
are meant to be Broken,
Like my heart has been by only you,
I would say many but
Honestly
I really believe that
for the first time for me
I finally fell in love,
Finally knew what it was,
But if this is love,
I don't want,
I wont own it,
I rather just leave it alone,
Give it back the same way
you let me go,
easyily.

Never was pose to  mean so much,
like how you touched me
and
went  down on me,
staying there on me
for hours,
Like when
you kissed my eyes
and
looked right in to my soul,
or
how about
when you made love to me
and
called out my name
over and over again as you
professed your un-dying love for me,
and Yes
when you thought I wasn't looking,
I saw tears well up in your eyes,
and
as I held you so many times,
I wipe your eyes as you cried,
I talked to you and planned a life with you,
Why
was I so blind?
You had your cake and ate it too,
Ate it **** good,
but
what's now,
How come I had to lose,
Lost so much already
and
I think you love what's growing in my belly,
Never
was it me
just the lady you meet on Feb 20th 09,
Yeah
she was a queen and her light shined so bright,
Her face
lite up as you open doors
and
pulled out chairs.
Playing the perfect gentlemen.
As
you helped her to your car
excuses me
your suburban!
Un-dying love how funny that sounds and
yet I'm here still breathing
and
haven't died yet
even thou I feel so much like I did.
**** IT,
If this is LOVE
I Don't Want IT!
Always Me Ayeshah
©1977-2009
Ayeshah(A.K.K.C.L.N)
All rights reserved

this ain't love,

you've tortured my feeling

played on my ever needing lust,

consummated my need

as you relished in

my soulful screaming desire.

Release me tormentor

let me become free

of your wicked deeds

and your wicked ways,

how is this possible

after so long

you've come around

and i melt,

I melt

again & again

becoming this

unrecognizable person...

Longing to be in


your embrace

to feel the torture

start over again

to become victim to your


skillful ways

as you once more


maimed me and tame me ,

NEVER

agaain  is what i once said

But lately


I can't think right I got this need

This greed

Feeding and fueling me..

I don't like where I'm going  

with these thoughts....


Don't like these unwelcoming desires

you've stirred with in me once more...


Bleeding loves

un-concured

lustful lovers

never again is a myth

Cuz I see where I want to be

even if I already know


your no good for me!


This  Ain't  LOVE!

Always Me Ayeshah

Do you hear me-  when you sleep -  think of me as you eat,
'adore me while you sip coffee or tea?
I think of only the moments '
when we shared funny exciting conversations,
so many miles
so many oceans separate us
laughter fills my household
joking and talking of trips we'd love to take
I can't think I'm
wondering what your doing
if your thinking of me too?
shallow of me I know but oh well
this is me so shallow I guess
I'll be.

do you hear me when you sleep-   think of me as you eat
'adore me while you sip coffee or tea?

I think of only the moments when you jokingly
asked if I'd be yours
laughter fills my home
this household with out a mans touch
or his amusement
but if I give in doesn't
that mean you win?
Win my heart but I'd never make you
compete for it,
Win my trust but you realize
I'd hurt you if you miss used it
Win my soul as long as you grow old with me
But I speak of things yet untold
to fast too soon.
I wait for you to speak
and say hi.
Just hi is fine it'll get me through
the night.
Friends
we are and must stay
so why let you become more
why mess up this
musical dance with a tedious
affair.
Lover's we may yet be but again why take that
Risk!?!

(tell me 1 good reason to destroy Us?)
Always Me Ayeshah

Was told Ain't No Stopping Us Now but Time After Time I Lost That Loving Feeling,cuz it seem our Love Is A Battlefield  while Walking This Way,
Found  you In The Mist Of It All, Going 65 but you weren't driven as you in claimed  
with your
Life In The Fast Lane, asked you to just Walk Away but Suddenly  life had knew meaning & it was when you notice Jenny Had A Gun,
Now your realizing Life is A High Way wasn't true and your feeling Blue Moon was a song meant only for you, I told you
Almost Doesn't Count & Your Love Is One In A Million, but Lately You've Changed, I asked if I was your Sweet Lady you lied & told me No Worries Be Happy & Chante's Got A Man At Home  
I don't wanna Sing Another Sad Love Song, while your out Fooling Around, just let me off this Emotional Roller Coaster, I Gotta Go Gotta Leave,
Call Me When Your Sober,
You've begged me saying  if- If This World Were Mine meaning yours you'd do anything Just To Keep Me Satisfied,
I believe what Mary J Blige recently sanged ; never let girl cook in your Kitchen, You claimed Some one's Been Sleeping In My Bed But since We're not making Love Anymore  I suggest you walk out my door
To The Left- To The Left, you were my Angel Wearing a Halo as I sung Ave Maria while you Listen But suddenly someone Ringed The Alarm as I
Bust The Windows Out Ya Car, You Ran So Far Away, If I Were A Boy I'd probably do what you did, Become  Secrets Lovers with another so I choose to Free Ya mind & let you run In Circles but Please know that I'm happy
so Don't Disturb This Groove, why did you Lie About Us, It's Like I'm fighting Some Unholy War and  All I Could Do Is Cry I don't  want you to try to make me go to Rehab, You were so Contagious,
I almost Overdose with my need & Longing for you, I laughed while I got into my Pink Cadillac cuz I Wanna Dance With Somebody (Who Loves Me) & it was always you I loved but Sadly you left me Waiting to Exhale, now Billie Jean  Is Not your lover,
please Cry Me A River I've Heard It All Before,
yet & still I Rather Go Blind as you taken Piece of My Heart b'cuz I've
Been Loving You Too Long,
tell me please Why Don't We Fall in Love, I'm willing to forgive you as you forgive me with Open Arms, I can't sing anymore Misty Blue,
My Funny Valentine....
Baby Hit Me One More Time with you Sweet Love My Sweet Thang, for you
I'm A Genie In A Bottle  making any wish you want come true,
Silly of me I'd be your Lady Marmalade.
I Should of told her The Boy is Mine but its no longer reality its well its all now In My Mind!!!

ALWAYS ME AYESHAH

You're empty inside
 A shell from the man I used to know
                      Callous even
                         I can't fathom why
                                   I've stood by you
                                      With assiduous attention
                                               &
                                           I accepted this relationship
                                                     or
What once was  with alacrity
until you took  it away
You've taken everything
         You're such a cunning *******
                  You left long ago
                       Only an empty shell
                                      remains of you

                                                  Why would you leave me here
                                                           Disheveled cold & alone
                                                        ­           I became catatonic  
                                                     ­                   Shocked as I was
                                                                ­               I couldn't believe                                                                  ­                   You of all people
                                                          ­              would actually do me this way
                                
       Funny I had already seen it coming
                Because  
                  You were cold   
                          You were numb

                                           You've placed your love on deferment
                                                       ­    until whenever
                                                        ­           I guess until  
                                                                ­        HELL
                                                ­              freezes over huh
                   While you showed  such invidious
        behavior  toward my love
             towards everything I had in my soul
                       yet YOU didn't wait to be with another

                        While
        I've been caviled about it all
            Knowing full well
                We will always have
                      this archaic history
                               Once know as our
                                        *Relationship

born Dec 16 2010  Induced  early  cuz of complications but healthy and has all fingers & toes will be here until lungs mature more and weights gained amount needed to go home. sore but happy . no names will be listed if you want to know more please email me and i will send pictures and the rest of information to you (Friend's ONLY) thank you all for being strong for me when i wasn't and for supporting me through all this! i also have a  guy that im talking to he was there while Christopher Cartwright wasn't(the father)  he's a big help and its so weird that our bound and friendship is as strong as it is, it & k helps that we grew up in the same neighborhood  & knew each other threw other family members and friends. My sister on my dad side is so happy and im happy for her!  I have no regrets and I'm happy, just sad alil bit that its over ...i got em out safely then again its a bit tooo early/ pray for em and ty for all the well wishes and support.  i need to rest now its going to be a long day! LOVE YOU ALL TO MY CLOSEST FRIENDS.

Somethings happened,


I can feel it...,



I'm frozen with fear,



with distrust,



I hear people crying ,




I can't move;  




why can't I move,





I't's "that"


dream again ,



I'm repeating it,



But


why now



after all these Years,


I faced all but one of my fears,


I got to wake up some how...,



Get out of bed,



I wonder where all these nightmares

are coming from,






I'm so cold,


I feel so sleepy


but



I can't got back to sleep not now-


Not ever with those dreams..,


She's walking over to me


but for the life of me


I can't remember who she is?..



She look's like some one I know,


Someone close,


Whose that next to her....,

Hmm,

well


why are they talking so low,


Why can't I hear them?

---



OK



I must still be dreaming,


I need to find a way to wake myself up,


I must cuz this is ******* me off now,



I can't move ,



I want to see who else is here ,


why can't I sit up....


I'm stuck,

****


these blankets are so tight,


I got to get up cuz now their walking away-

HEYYY

Wait!!!!

Wait; who are you..,


What's ya name?


Why wont anyone ...


Answer Me?!


That Girl's coming again.....

I wonder who she  is?,


I can't believe it;


It's like looking in the mirror ,



Now that I got a good look at her,



But she can't be older ,


when I went to sleep

she was just a little girl..,


I really don't like this dream-

It's surreal & spooky!

Wait - -


Someone else is here


They're all talking ,


WAIT; What did He say,

I can't hear him...


**** their leaving again ..,


Whose this  - -   Old *** man.....,


Oh **** he's talking to me


how funny


I can't even hear him..,




Why is he covering me?..,



It's like a purplish silky lid..,



It's getting dark in here ,



**** I can't move ..,



What the Hell is this...........,


Darkness   ........


Oh MY GOD!!!!

Am I ?

Yes I ....


I'm



Dead?



AND



I'm in a ******* Coffin!?!

Always Me Ayeshah