I was always the first one;
the first one to approach,
the first one to communicate,
the first one to understand,
the first one to appreciate,
the first one to apologize,
the first one to fix things up,
the first one to listen,
the first one to open up,
the first one to do something,
the first one to consider,
the first one to worry,
the first one to surrender,
the first one to care,
the first one to forgive,
the first one to value,
the first one to believe,
the first one to fight,
the first one to trust,
the first one to hold on,
the first one to fall in love,
and you were the first one who gave up...
the first one who let go.
If ever you forgot,
I want to let you know.

For I am not drowned yet
in the depths of a sleep
nor am I awake but
trapped somewhere from a leap

a place who sings silence
vanquished by hordes of gunshots
and these rhythms were echoed
by a man who rises his vague shouts

these harmonies breathe
as I yearn for silence
but when I close my eyes
I'm in the middle of pestilence

what place is this? belly of the beast?
who shouts what? and who shot that?

a war exists inside my head
they're using big, mechanical beasts
countless bodies were found dead
explosions flowing from west to east

I unfolded my weakened eyes
but they, I still hear
and a voice ceased the war
and tells me "Do not fear"

the war is over,
and the war was won
I try to catch my breath
I thought It is my death

I followed the voice that stopped the war
the one who healed my anxious scar

and a deep, overwhelming, string of voice
is all I hear, and I rejoice
for that time, I knew that I was not alone
I am a child of God, standing next to His throne

Our worlds cannot collide
And I don't want them to
You are to be with anyone but me
And believe me, that's how I want it to be

I adore you like the moon
Although there's a huge distance
I don't want to come close
But just sit here, stare
And forget how dark the night has been
And even the storm I'm currently in

I adore sadness
It visits without a reason
It yearns to stay
but I fear to drown to poison

I said go away, on sombody's mind
I’m tired, I want to be happy
It uttered “no”, joy will not come
But if it does, it will eventually leave me

Did not listen
will only heighten desolation
I miss happiness and the old me
Now I’m trapped in isolation

Love came down and rescued me
It embraced me and set me free
It unchained me from melancholy
and released me from the arms of misery

It calmed my seas from raging
It saved me from drowning
It stopped the storm from roaring
Without it, I’d be forever missing

It wiped tears from my eyes
I didn’t speak a word or two
It embraced me tightly and
Yes indeed, a simple hug will do

Finally, I’m rescued
Saved through the hands of love
Now I’m free with my refuge
Soaring like a winged dove

No longer the person I was before
I'm changed. I became different
I was made for something more
My existence was no accident

Joy is not enough
It can’t free you from sadness
Through it, you smile
But still chained in madness

I used to seek for Joy
But it was Love who found me
It was love who rescued me
It was love who set me free

When the oceans rise
In trouble times
Be still and call
In the name of Love

For love does not bring you Joy
Love brings you home

I hear you in the early birds' song
a moon's amity in a scorching firmament

I smell you as the flowers tilt from wilt
fragrance that stops time from running

I taste you by the waters of the deep
thy tears drench the stars as they fell

I feel you through the breeze of midnight
your embrace incinerates the numbing cold

I see you from the brink of the past
one from a million yet the best memory ever

Y-acht walks around the blue sphere
O-nly yearns, not just to wander
U-ntil it finds a place sung home

D-eep it goes above the water
O-n the welkin filled with flier

N-ever ceases crawling in
O-h, home, so far, where you've been?
T-ill it meets the amity within

B-ut, home is near yet it is distant
E-ven afar from land, and near to alone
L-eft is regret, a yacht of uncertainty
O-h, why do I belong not?
N-owhere, do I belong in?
G-uess, because I'm just a yacht

This time I'll change
I can't, but I will
I do not know exactly how
but I'll make sure
that they will see me bow
It's like reaching a star without a ladder
going somewhere
but you do not know how to get there
yet the ending's all worth it
so I will risk my all for it
let's discover how change occurs
for I've been stuck with my old endures
I'm tired of everything in my past
it's time to get my future vast
that's it
I've had enough
my old's gone
not even a half

I'll be stronger, braver and even better than you remember
I'm no longer a kid
no longer a child to fear
and I do hope
that you do the same, dear

I'll start to care not
I will start to fear not
I'll start to stay not
I will start to change a lot.

Ain't loved;
I couldn't be loved.
And it's okay,
not because it is okay,
but because it has to be okay.

Loved;
suddenly, I could be loved.
And it's all good,
not because they would,
but because I should.

For a moment I would stop
and gaze at the sunset;
as the sun humbles itself,
I still could not forget.

For a moment I would stop
and search for the moon;
for the night is overwhelming,
I hope it fades away very soon.

For a moment I would stop
and listen to my demons;
different voices, different tones,
they are hungry lions.

For a moment I would stop
and recall my past;
what had happened?
What was that blast?

For a moment I would stop
and realize my mistakes;
I thought they would strengthen me,
but anxiety is all they make.

For a moment I would stop
and overthink for a while;
I could not sleep,
the sheep had ran a mile.

For a moment I would stop
and do nothing, but sank;
I feel nothing, am I nothing?
'Cause I feel like I'm blank.

For a moment I would stop,
hoping that this will all stop;
because I'm too drained
for another teardrop.

They say that love is an open door,
And if so, then I'd rather close it.
Because by the time you come back,
Even the windows will be shut.
All the doors will be closed,
Just like the wounds I once had.
Now they're nothing but scars,
And you're nothing but a stranger.
Sorry, but letting you in
Will only make me bleed.
I suggest you leave,
Because I'm already healed.

Gentle rays of sunlight
Trying to pierce through the clouds,
The morning palette
Has never been this cold.

With the wind's whispers even colder
And the rain playing Russian roulette,
The city started to wonder,
"How perfect could this day ever get?"

And as a child would sing
For the rain to go away,
The storm would answer back,
"Not today."

plain dark yet I see thousand skyscrapers
emptiness filled with nothingness
and my pocket bleeds the word I spit
my eyes get drowned from its sweat
everyone is nowhere
and so are my emotions
like an old shell left because it's weak
heavy enough to be lifted up
silent, but not peaceful
wildfire slowly tearing down every walls
yet I hear happiness from the other side
it's far, but I know it is meant for me
they're happy when I'm alone
they're happy that I am alone

but it's fine
it is fine with me
it is fine with everyone who gets used to reality

You’re a gift I give to everyone I meet
A presentable gift, raw and neat
You were taken by those people of my fond
A matchstick that ignites a snowing bond

Joy overwhelmed me as I share pieces of you
And I hope those recipients felt the same way too
But now look at you, you’re broken into pieces
Like a glittering powder or fine shattered glasses

Can’t you see the pieces that project your reflection?
Aren’t you tired being trapped in the game of destruction?
Your beauty fades and you slowly became weak,
A skyscraper built and designed to be a brick.

Now I’m afraid for you to be shared,
At the end of the day, I’m the only one who cared.
But don’t be pained, you are still free,
I just cannot see you crying in debris.

you’re the best song that ever drenched my ears
a story filled with wines and tears
the umbrella that kept my rains from my lips
a moon that lights beyond an eclipse
pain that is worthy to be felt
a mistake that I’d commit till I melt
you are a past where I have been
the present that cannot ever be seen
a future that I will never have
and the memory that shall be always loved

I better get out of the woods

Sa isang patak,
Ito ay bubuhay;
Sa isang dagat,
Ito'y pumapatay.

Mamutawi man ang takot
Sa bawat pag-agos,
Mamumutawi naman ang saya
Sa bawat pagbuhos.

O kay gandang pagmasdan
Mula sa pampang.
Ngunit sa taglay nitong lalim,
Mananatiling mangmang.

Sa bawat pagbuhos ng ulan,
Sa pagbukas ng gripo,
Magbuhat man ng sakit o sustansya,
Mananatiling tubig ito.

I tried to write a poem
for poetry's my friend
but even a nice poem
couldn't make this pain end

poetry could not help me
neither could I help myself
I was finding a way to end this pain
and then I found a bookshelf

I tried to read a story
for books' could have made me smile
but even a neat book
couldn't make me smile for a while

books weren't enough
those books on the shelf
the only way to end this pain
is to end myself

As I stand here in front of you,
I can barely remember the words that I need to say.
I can barely feel my legs.
My hands are freezing.
My hands are shaking.
I can’t feel a thing.
Yet here I am... standing.

Today I am wearing my battle suit—
miles and miles of white fields of fabric
and underneath is a sea of navy blue.
This is what I wear when I enter the battlefield.
This is what I wear when I enter a war.

Even though the curtains, the clouds, the tables,
The trees, the windows, and the chairs
are well aware
that I’m no longer Interested in fighting.
And even if I already lost my will to fight,
here I am standing.

I am weak.
I am sensitive.
I am fragile.
I am naïve.
I am flawed
I am easily overwhelmed.
I’m a slow learner
I’m a coward
An anxious person
A failure; nothing but a failure
And a disappointment to everyone,
I’ve always been a disappointment

I am just a student.
I am but a piece of sponge to absorb;
comply, learn, read, and write…
even if it doesn’t feel right,
and even if I am not alright,
look at me.
I am standing.

In this world where there seems to be no light;
where the only goal is to survive,
and even if I die inside,
I will choose to fight.
I will choose to be a soldier.
I will choose to be a fighter.
For I chose to be a student
and I chose to be here… standing.

I don't have a sweet tooth for alcohol,
But I feel drunk.
My head's a galaxy,
Only it's not beautiful but messy.
I wanna believe I've finished a few bottles,
But my tongue wouldn't agree with me.
Although my heart would do so,
And it deduces that I am drunk.
The real question is, "With what?"
I guess only my brain can tell.
It was probably something beyond the calendar.
Interrogate my skin,
Or the scars beneath those layers.
Maybe they knew who did what?
Maybe they have the wine I shot?
Or is it wine --
Or just some fancy, heady memories?
Was it pain that was half full inside the glass?
Because it didn't look like *****.
But again, how can I be certain?
How can I tell?
If I feel so drunk right now.

Do you wonder why you don't belong?
Do you wonder where you belong?
Do you call yourself different?
Do they call you different?
Do you try to fit in?
Do you try to **** yourself fitting in?

Why?

You don't have to

You're strong
Don't pretend to be weak
Just to fit in

You're brave
Don't pretend to be scared
Just to fit in

You're deep
Don't pretend to be shallow
Just to fit in

You're UNIQUE
Don't pretend to be them
Just to fit in

Be the river in the desert

My anxiety told me that you hated me.
It told me that I was only a burden to you
And I was only a waste of your time.
Although I hoped that it’s not true
And that my mind was just playing tricks on me,
I was convinced.

That's why no matter how much
I wanted to talk things out,
And tell you how stormy my mind was,
I decided to just remain silent—
Even though all I wanted was to scream.

I taught myself to cry without a sound,
Only to have my tears be smelled
By the ******* hound.

I hug strangers as tight as I can offer,
Only to be hugged back even tighter.
And you did just that.

these barriers offer isolation
these boundaries provide protection
these walls put everything in chain
because attachments often lead to pain

Will you miss me?
I mean
when I go somewhere
somewhere far
will you be sad
because you miss someone
which is me?

Because, me?
I miss myself
I'm lost somewhere
going nowhere
nowhere to be found
yet I miss me
so much
I did not go somewhere
but I was gone
when you left

A grey beast atop; it howled, it growled.
The stream of his blood; it rained, it flowed.
Light beams everywhere,
but the sun was found nowhere.
I fought for rest; I tried to sleep,
And the symphony has made me weep.
Oh sun, come bring a knife;
I am tired of this life.

One day,
There was a tree in my backyard.
No one knows who planted it;
no one knows who did.
But one thing for sure,
it just grew.

Today,
I asked if I could plant one,
they say I could, but not today.
For a tree is a huge responsibility
and I guess…
I am still not ready.

Each day,
I wonder how a tree grows.
Why do we need one?
And how do you get one?
Although, it is silent,
I still can feel it.

All day,
I saw a man or two
they kept on cutting trees.
They said it hurts,
but they have to
for some do need to end.

Someday,
I will plant a tree.
Or maybe someone will do it for me.
But one thing for sure,
without a reason,
a tree will just exist.

Flowers breathe and wilt through you
Rainbows envy the tint you go through
Even night was lost in your eyes
Depths of ocean were drowned as you rise
Cannot utter what you really think
Eh?
Lucidly, a vast mystery.

Snow pours;
ice's everywhere.
But nothing's colder...
when you were not there.

Although I walk
And barely talk
My ears have never heard
Even a single word
From this dormant heart
But you are just an art
And I can't help but gaze
Walk around in a total daze
You knew dying has been my hobby
And you just turned me into a zombie