Your heart has grown cold,
This love is bad for my health.
I felt rejected, felt unwanted, felt unneeded so I,
Wrote a love letter to myself.

I think it’s me,
I think I smile recklessly.
I think I need to see,
The scars on their knees.
I think I need to be,
Two steps ahead in the lead.

And then I need to you to be,
The one to sweep me off of my feet.
Yeah I want you bring me to my knees,
I need you to disrespect me,
I crave for you to hurt me,
So that I have to work for you to want me.

And then you can have me,
And then im all yours.

A week ago you held my body,
as you soundly slept with your arms around me.
A week ago while you rested your eyes,
I whispered "I love you" in silent lullabies.

Three days ago you made your confession,
with piercing words and an apologetic expression.
You drunkenly stumbled into the bed,
of a girl you'd promised was just a friend.

So tonight I drank so that I was too drunk for the party,
and spent the night wishing you would show up and fight for me.
But as always I was left disappointed,
Despite how I know that waiting for you is pointless.

So I’m on my way home now,
And this empty cab is really getting to me.
I got used to you sitting beside me,
Too used to your body molding around me.

So now I’m calling your number,
Far too many times.
Don’t know what I'm hoping,
For you to stay the night then in the morning I’m broken?

I keep repeating how you ****** it,
I keep repeating how you lied to me.
I keep repeating you shared the taxi home,
I keep repeating how you hid it all from me.

So now I’m blocking your number,
And you’re deleting our messages.
Too late for me to save them,
And too late for you to save this.

You’re not my fairytale ending person,
You’re my im drunk and I shouldn’t text him person.
Youre the person I see instead when im thinking of him,
Because when I start hurting you are what numbs it.

You’re not on my mind like he always is.
You are what I take to numb my pain.
And I know its ****** to do this to you.
That’s why part of me’s hoping you do it too.

You make me feel wanted,
You make me feel good.
You make me feel all these things he never would.

Thats why youre so **** good at what you do,
Why you’re so **** good at numbing me.
Thats why I text you when Im hurting from him,
Cause you make me forget that he didn’t want me,
And that’s the temporary relief that I need.

In the morning I’ll be fine,
I’ll wake with no scars.
But you won’t be lying beside me,
And I’ll still wake with an empty heart.

I left you one year ago,
You hurt me and so I let you go,
I thought that we had moved passed it though.

But you make it so hard to forget,
It ***** cause you know how to get,
Your words so deep in my head.

You know deep down what im like,
You know I’d never hurt you in spite,
But you say it so that what it sounds like.

Twist my words to mean something else,
Manipulate what I said myself,
Do you know or are you lying to yourself.

Don’t act like I did it easily,
You know know this wasn’t easy for me,
And if you don’t then you never knew me.

We both agreed that ending it was for the best,
Because sometimes the inevitable becomes unavoidable.
I repeated this to myself thirty times last night,
Yet my blind faith in us still prevailed.

The wind was the sound of your tyres on my drive,
The rain was your tears as you apologised greatly.
The night was a metaphor for how blind you were,
And the light by my front door was your guiding star.

But here I am,
There you are.
170 miles between us,
That pushed us apart.

The wind is empty,
And the rain is cold.
The night is black,
And my front door is closed.

But were you somehow to wonder,
In the midst of the night.
And find yourself by my door,
Would it be from my front door light?

She smiles so softly,
it's like a ghost.
You can't really see it,
but still you feel like it's there.

And her eyes emit emotion,
but like that of steamer.
The more it lets out,
the more unclear everything becomes.

Her walk is always silent,
in a fashion similar to a cat.
Because there's a constant indecisiveness,
between confidence and concealment.

Her heart is unique however,
it holds no resemblance to anything else.
But sometimes it'll be compared to a distant whisper,
because although you're aware of its existence, you don't know what it is that that it holds.

It’s been the longest month,
Missing you.
My heart seemed to grow,
Fonder despite my distance from you.

Seeing you here again,
Fills my body with ecstasy.
But I have to play the role of the friend,
As I don’t know if you’re ready for me.

And I wish that I could be someone else,
Someone who has the courage to tell you.
To tell you that the truth is,
I think I might be falling in love with you.

But I can’t say it,
Now’s not the time,
You’re not ready for it,
I wish that I could read your mind,

But please fool me a little more,
Pretend I stand a chance like I thought before,
Even if you’ll never want me that way,
I’d be nice to think that you might some day.

I don’t know what to believe,
I don’t know what to feel.
You’ve managed to make me question,
If anything we shared was even real.

I don’t know what to say,
How do I question your darkest secrets?
Made me feel like I was your friend,
But you filled my trust with lies and that's all we have between us.

I don’t know if anything we had was true,
That’s my punishment for trusting you.
One tiny white lie raises doubt,
And it snowballs and makes me wanna push you out.

And I don’t want to hurt you,
I know you’ve got your reasons.
But you’re not someone I can believe in,
And there’s nothing here to stop me from leaving.

So I’m wishing you the best,
I hope you can get help.
But I had to walk away,
Because I owe it to myself.

here I go I've done it again,
always being my own worst friend.
you did everything right but in the end,
I always go running.

here we go swirling around the drain,
your vibrant parade being drowned out in my rain.
didn't understand why you didn't run away,
so I did the running.

I'm just better off being alone,
I'm so good at breaking hearts that I broke my own.

You were recklessly endearing,
it was part of your charm.
you made me want to jump without fearing,
of the persistent ringing of alarm.

But when you finally gave me the valour,
to take that leap of faith.
I landed on a trap door,
and your appearance began to fade.

I called out to you in hope,
that my instincts had got it wrong.
Because deep down I'd always known,
that you were already gone.

There's magic in her eyes,
you're just blind to it.
Her magic unravels your lies,
you better get used to it.

You speak words of her admiration,
How ungracefully you fall.
My heart flattens from your deflation,
So gracefully I rebuild my wall

Fool me a little longer,
And I know that I’ll crumble apart.
I can’t keep my guard up much longer,
So it’s inevitable that you’ll fool my heart.

My lover and I, we’re super intimate.
I trust him and he trusts me.
I know the password to his phone,
Like I know his face in a crowded a room.

The intricate pattern of a square,
It’s lines firm and final.
The journey of my finger,
Across the coolness of the screen.

I dig my hand inside his coat pocket,
My fingers searching for the feeling that I know so well.
The feeling of cold metal, a chip in the corner,
And a crack in the glass.

I frown as instead my hand comes across a matte phone case,
And the crack in the glass that my finger searches for is instead a smooth screen.
My fingers wrap around the device, still warm from its use,
And my heart stammers as I see that it is not the run down htc that I am holding.

It’s a new phone.

A new and better phone is laying in my hand,
It’s screen blank but its venom lethal.
My fingers scurry to unlock my lover’s iPhone that he had never mentioned,
But there is no square pattern and I am instead faced with numbers that hold no sense.

Why did my lover need a new phone?
Was his old one broken?
Had he grown tired of the cracks or how it’s battery would drain in a matter of minutes?
Or was he simply attracted to a new, shiny phone with it’s bigger screen and fancy case?

Why hadn’t my lover told me about this new phone?
Did he not know the bounds to my love - I could love a different phone,
But I couldn’t love two.
Did he love two phones? Could he not decide which he preferred?
Was this phone a temporary fix or a replacement?

My shaky hands turn the screen of the phone which mocked me so cruelly black,
And I slipped the phone back into it’s hiding place.
My hands don’t then search for the old htc,
Maybe it’s because I might not find it, or maybe it’s because it didn’t matter if I did.

It’s almost funny really,
Watching your mouth fall open and then  close repetitively.
Trying to find the words,
To explain that you just don’t love me like you used to.

Your hands seem frozen by your sides,
Clenched in fists of frustration of your inability to form a sentence.
Thinking of the million ways to say goodbye.

But in the end actions speak louder than words,
And so when you leave,
I hear your words loud and clear in the deafening silence.

Yesterday is black,
Tomorrow is white,
And this moment is grey.

Fingertips trace,
The silent unspoken words,
In-between the lines of black font on white paper.

Thoughts blur out,
The innocent white
With the deceiving black.

But hearts seek,
To find the silver,
Amongst the darkness.

Sense refuses to separate
the white and black,
And instead interprets the many different shades of grey.

I’m the same but different I promise.
I was a fool to you,
Now a fool for you.
And I'll never hurt you again.

I think
maybe the point
isn't to be found,
but to be made

It’s a thin line between love and hate,
And I chose to walk amongst the darker side.
Because apologies mean nothing when they’re too late,
And anger hurts less than betrayal from your lies.

Loving the cause of your pain,
Is a heavy burden to bear.
So I choose to bitterly curse your name,
Because hatred feels softer than the agony of care.

Sometimes when I really think about you,
I can feel the scar you imprinted on me reopening.
It doesn’t hurt the way it used to,
But it still hurts when it’s closing.

Sometimes when I think about you,
It hits me that there’s still so much I never said.
Because the few times I could speak to you,
I got too distracted by the tears we shed.

Sometimes when I think about you,
I wish that you could see who I am now.
It's not out of maturity that I want you to,
But so that you could see how you’re missing out.

Sometimes when I think about you,
I hope that you have feelings of regret.
Because you hurt me in ways I never prepared for you to,
And to think that you stand by that is too hard to accept.

Sometimes when I think about you,
I’m not filled with anger or pain.
I can appreciate the love that I had for you,
And I can accept that some things drown in the rain.

Sometimes when I think about you,
My heart doesn’t stammer or stop or bleed.
Instead I wonder what person you’ve grown into,
I wonder if you found your peace.

And maybe one day,
When my heart has learned that words are nothing until they are set in stone.
Maybe one day when my thoughts have matured with age,
Maybe instead of thinking of you,
I simply won’t.

Reason holds sense,
Reason holds knowledge
And dignity.
Reason protects,
Reason defends,
And I am left empty but with no wounds to mend.

Love holds me softly,
With delicate caresses to my skin.
Love holds warmth
And hope.
Love is passion,
Love is warmth,
But love burns.

You brush my skin with your own
And my thoughts lose all sense
And my insides are set alight.

I'm all out of love,
I'm all out of time.
I give you my best,
but you just decline.

How can I rise
when you stoop so low?
I'm already falling,
so take your last blow,
and I'll fall a little deeper
before I let you go

Sometimes I think your mind is an ocean,
A deep blue sea of emotion.
The waves of fear grow tall only to come crashing down,
And fill your thoughts with unease as you drown.

Sometimes I think your mind is a fire,
Your thoughts burn furiously with desire.
Desperate to let go of the self-doubt you hold,
That you burn to black the hope that used to be gold

Sometime I think your mind is a storm,
Where harmless actions maliciously transform.
What used to be part of your routine,
Is an action that paralyses you when you dream.

I see your war,
And I want to help you fight.
I want to see you roar,
I want to help you see the light.

I can see you’re terrified,
But I will remain by your side.
I want to help you but you're trying to hide,
Hide from your own mind.

Because your thoughts are oh so haunting,
But hold my hand and they will seem less daunting.
I know you're stronger than anyone can comprehend,
Strong enough to seek help and allow you to mend.

This is a long road you have to walk,
But you never have to walk it alone.
If you need a distraction then I’ll be the one to talk,
I’ll talk to you the whole way home.

I gave myself to you in pieces.
The first piece I gave when I was unaware,
you met my eye in a crowded room
and I handed you the first piece.

The second piece I gave
was when you held my hand as you walked me to my door,
not because you wanted to come inside,
but because you needed to know that I was safe.

The next piece I gave you
was when you showed up at my door with coffee and breakfast and a youthful grin.

And then piece by piece
I handed myself to you.
I handed you my broken parts and you kept them safe,
or at least that's what I thought.

The last piece I gave to you
I don't know when it happened.
We were laughing and I looked at you and realised I didn't ever want to be without you.
I realised that I couldn't be without you,
and that was when I knew.

I was in-love with you.

But you kept those pieces to yourself,
you didn't give me you,
or at least the parts of you that I craved to know,
and so when you left I felt empty.

You had taken all of me and I had to fill the gaping hole inside of my chest.

I filled it with thoughts of you.

But that didn't help.
It only reminded me of what we used to have,
it only reminded me of what we used to be.

You only remind me that I should have never given any of myself to you,
because giving yourself away is the most naive and imprudent act one can do.
When you give yourself away you lose yourself,
and when you're alone and only have yourself
you find yourself empty.

I hate empty.

You left me empty.
You filled my brain with only thoughts of you,
but now I know better than to lose myself in the fantasy of us.

So I now do everything that I should have done from the beginning.
Now I hold onto the pieces of myself and use them to put me back together.
And in doing that I found the most worthy and paramount object of my affection;

myself.

Lover I’m dying to know,
Where do you go?
When the lights dim low,
When you’re afraid of our home.

Lover I hate to see the light,
As it fades from your eyes.
I see the darkness from within,
Goose bumps rise across naked skin.

Lover I need you to tell me,
Where you hide when you don’t want me to see,
See the person you are afraid to be,
The darker side you want to hide from me.

Lover I’m not blind to your desire,
I felt the warm kisses of your fire.

But I also felt them fade.

I felt sunshine replaced by shadows,
And a cold wind whipping my form,
Your broken words erupting rain from above,
I watched as it poured.

Lover, it drowned me.

So lover, I’m begging you to tell me,
I’m screaming into the empty abyss where you shadow lies.
I’m crying out until my lungs burn,
with my fragile body on shaking knees.

Where is it that you hide?

Because the rain is ice,
And the wind is fire,
And it is too late to run.

So lover tell me please,
Where is it that you hide;
Could I stay there too?

Cute right,
How you would always visit me with a single red rose.
I used to add the delicate flower to the vase full from your previous visits.
Now I look to the single rose in the vase as its ghostly form dwindles.

Funny right,
How you would tell me you wanted to be better as you inhale from your cigarette.
I would always lecture you of the harm you were doing to yourself,
But now I stay silent as I twist my body away from the smoke that escapes your lips.

Ironic right,
How your lips would fill me with warmth when your finger tips felt so cold.
I used to describe you as more of a concept than a person.
Now I think of you as more of a metaphor than my boyfriend.

Peculiar right,
How you would hide your phone under your pillow as you promised transparency.
I used to toss and turn to get comfortable with that extra weight on our bed,
Now I sleep perfectly as I turn and settle facing away from you.

Bitter right,
How you’d smile as you would so cryptically point out my floors.
I used to look up at you as you critiqued me so detailedly,
Now I look to my shoes and let your words fly straight over me.

Curious right,
How you would tell me you were all mine as you moved your hands away to rest in your pockets.
I used to create intricate plans to gain your touch and affection,
Now I shift in my seat as my body instinctively flinches from your touch.

Reasonable right,
How I stood up, the chair scraping against the tiled floor as I placed my napkin on the table and turned to walk to the door.
Before you might have chased me to the door and led me back inside.
But now you remain seated as I leave and call a taxi home.

Pathetic right,
How I let one tear fall from my eyes as I watch the city pass my eyes through the window of a taxi.
Before I could never make it past the gates.
Now I inhale a deep breath and promise myself that I won’t look back as I throw the last red petal out of the car window.