Tonight I dream of spiders
Hair spun, fat filled, scuttling legs
Quiver over my body and thighs
Eyes, ears, mouth, a tongue
A taste perforates through my eyes
Spills into my skull

Splat, Slash, Splot
Scuttle

Tonight I dream of Isolation
My footsteps fall on empty ears
Searching for life
Fearful, Tearful
Ripe with Strife
What does this matter?
I cannot be seen.

Unhear my own quiet screams
Please,
I want to
I need to
unhear.

Tonight I dream of running
An unseen assailant
I know, wishes to
attempt on me harm

You can't be calm
I can't, You can't
I Must
You mustn't provoke me.

I wake reaching
Reaching
Reaching

I find nothing
But empty solace.

Tonight I dream of fighting
Clockwork childhood
Figures slicing at my
face, racing me
to death.
A metal axe, a clawed
arm, walls with eyes,
a broken staircase,
distorted laugh, a
past repeated.
'Treated' to terror
remember me
dismember me
tenderly
race me
erase
me

I can't seem to wake up.

i have heard sorrow
in the sobs of my mother
     -a sound you can't unhear

My heart ached

For a voice I couldn't unhear.
For a touch as familiar as the suns light.
For eyes that could only see my soul.
For promises I could never hold him to.
For answers to questions I couldn't ask.
And for comfort I didn't deserve.

But most of all my heart ached to just not ache
For one day
For one hour
For one minute
Without him.

And the problem was that
While I was always without him
My heart ached

And ached

And ached

And ached

And has never ceased it's aching.

one. I walked you to your car, and made sure that each part of you was safely seated before i closed the door. once i got in the passengers seat, i told you to buckle up, and when you didnt, i reached over the center console and kissed you as i carefully grabbed your seat belt and strapped you in. you rolled your eyes at me, told me you loved me and grabbed my hand and kissed it. i asked you to keep both hands on the wheel.
two. I put my hands up your shirt and rested my head on your chest when we were laying down, just so i could count your heartbeats. so i could feel your heartbeats and so my head would rise and fall with your ribcage. i ran my fingers through your hair, and whispered alive against your skin. i kissed your collarbone, your chest, your stretch marks. you asked me to stop, you told me you loved me but it tickled. i told you i adored your laugh.
three. I tried to be as close to you as i could. i asked you to come to a haunted house with me, and i let the sound of your laughter fill my ears. i know i get scared easily, that was the point. i gave you directions for the longest way possible so we could spend more time together. i turned on your favorite song, and watched your lips move. when the hum of your voice made its way to my ears, i closed my eyes and let my head lean back. i held your arm through the entire haunted house. i jumped closer to you whenever i heard a sound, i buried my face into the crook of your neck, even when i wasn't scared. you laughed at me for so long, pulling me into you each time you did and told me you loved me. i pressed my ear against your chest and listened to the way it resonated.
four. Sweet dreams
four. i care about you
four. how are you?
four. are you okay?
four. did you get home safe?
four.
five. I didnt yell back. I wiped your tears away when they escaped your eyes, as mine fell and shattered into my lap. i kissed your collarbone, and i pulled myself closer, even when i was shoved away. i squeezed my eyes shut, like if i closed them hard enough, i could unhear that this was my fault. i touched your neck, right under your hairline, and i told you i cared about you. you told me that you couldn't wait for me to say it anymore, that you didn't know if i loved you or not. i told you to drive safe, and i watched you walk away. i saw you put on your seatbelt and look at me. i watched you start the car with tears in your eyes.

Louder than Monsters
By: Calla Fuqua

I can’t unhear your ignorance, I can’t unsee your belligerence,
The potential difference you swore you’d make, and the carnivorous path
You chose to take.
You are louder than monsters.

Heaven must scare you and your desire to dissipate,
Your chance to incriminate, the problems you exacerbate,
I can’t articulate your need to intoxicate.
Your laughter is louder than monsters.

You fabricat your pity you pretend to give, as you wait for me to forgive,
That night I have to relive when I dream, of our short lived view of how happiness seemed.
Back then how could I have known that you were louder than monsters.

Your grip on me becomes tighter, the more your desire for me expires,
The more you secretly become a liar, and the more I ask myself why her?
Her voicemails are louder than monsters.

I end up on the floor, after you hit me and you swore,
You don’t say I love you anymore, the way you used to before,
And now I’m just your little *****, you pretend to love as if it’s a chore.
Your silence is louder than monsters.

I pray for you and the guilt you must feel, screaming out our window,
frantic to appeal, for the pain you caused solely so you could heal.
Your lies are louder than monsters.

You laugh when I say no, giving me a messed up world you pretend to know,
Now it’s my turn to outgrow you and your plateau, the one you promised
To let go. While I undergo the pain you overflow.
My screams are louder than monsters.

I still tell myself you love me after you throw your fists, holding tight to my wrists,
As I keep allowing the crimes you commit, to become imprints from the pain you inflict.
This pain is louder than monsters.

Now, nobody seems sincere, every scar is like a souvenir, You leave me speechless, when you sip your beer, like you didn’t just make my whole world disappear,          
You say you are not louder than monsters.

All I can do now is reminisce, look back on moments like our first kiss,
Before you led me into this abyss, before I was unable to dismiss the thought,
“What kind of monster does this?”
Someone who doesn’t know he is louder than monsters.

I dream about the day I can throw out your ashtray, The day
I can cast away you whole, no more arms to control my body’s soul,
A day where I no longer have to be your wife,
A day where I can play a character in my own life.
A day where love is louder than monsters

A final letter I'll write,
For everyone to read,
For when I'm gone,
I will no longer impede.

A gun to the head would work,
But then so would a noose -
Tie it, hang it, and leave it for later.
Oh no, this is too loose.

I wish I could unsee it,
I wish I could unhear it,
I wish it never happened -
And I don't want to believe it.

Talking to her,
It's all a blur ,
For during every session,
I weep through her slurs.

I have been debased,
I have been misplaced,
And every time I see her face -
I feel like an absolute.

Disgrace.

they say that there are things that you can never unsee
images forever burned into the folds of your brain
and yet I think that there are even more things that you can’t unhear
those things that you want to drown out with music you didn’t even know you had

like that song you’ve just found
and it is new to you and the words may not be that clear for now
but a part of you understands
a part of you feels the string of notes every single moment that song lasts
a part of you understands somehow

like cars passing by the street outside your house at midnight
they are mere whooshes in your dreamlike state
their lights stay for too little of a time
and you can’t help but wonder
of where they are rushing to or what place they go home to
whooshes on cement carrying stories you will never know

like the little crack of disappointment in a relative’s voice
when they learn that you want to be something other than what they want you to be
and you try to laugh it off
but it’s a sting you never thought you would feel again after all this time
and then suddenly how well you’ve been doing doesn’t seem to matter
every single time you thought your smiles could reach the sky doesn’t seem to matter
because how can achievements in a path they disapprove of be something to be proud of?
how can something you fit better into feel wrong?

like the soft ripping of a paper envelope as it’s opened
and you’ve been tense for months about this one thing
and here it is in black and white and colors you wanted to associate with a new beginning
but instead it is all of what your worrying nagged you about
it is the words of the voice in your head printed out on thin paper
here is where the world feels like it drops
the only sound is of the letter being put back into its envelope
gently willing it to disappear

like the silence of someone after you speak
and you hear everything else like a click of a pen or a shifting of positions
your mind runs over a hundred, a thousand things
maybe they didn’t hear what you said?
maybe they don’t want to talk about it?
maybe they don’t get what you’re saying?
maybe you should start a new conversation?
you understand that silence should not be regarded as something bad
but here you are
choked by the possibility of them thinking you’re annoying
and that voice tells you to shut up
however the silence makes nerves tumble out of your mouth
why can’t you stop?

like the dull tapping of your fingertips on a keyboard
it’s been a while since you’ve allowed yourself this
months of pushing down the emotions that tug at you
and all you want to do is punch the words out of you
but there is nothing in the muddle that used to serve you so well
there is nothing because the thought of doing this pulls you deeper into the abyss
how you loved doing this before the world decided to tell you you do it wrong
you may have said that this was a part of you
and it is now another part you have lost

like the short bursts of shouting that you hear every time you take out your earphones
and you are reminded yet again why you keep them in
you are so tired of the voices, so tired of the fighting
you hear the scrape of the dining room chair you’re in as you push away after a meal
and you know too well that that is the last sound you want to hear outside of the music you blast
sometimes you think about how a lot can be different if only some events did not happen
and it is cruel to think that but you do it all the same
life had been peaceful before
now ruined by something you don’t have control over anymore

like the soft music at a small gathering
and there is laughter and glasses clinking and the shuffle of everyone’s steps
you block out that thought in your head that digs its claws
but as soon as you are driving home and staring at the streetlights
everything hits you at 50 miles an hour
you wonder how long your smile stayed there
you wonder if anybody sees it falter
and you can’t even explain to anyone why this happens
because you don’t know the answer yourself

like the constant questions
about why you want to do this or why you’re like this
asking about what you’ve decided on after years of confusion and debates with yourself
and they are too curious, too questioning of how you came upon those decisions
they try to offer explanations of what they think can be better for you
and it is like they do not trust you to know what is best for yourself
they think that what you want and the way you identify yourself isn’t what should be
and all your life you’ve been told that you can’t be this and you can’t do that
so now what should you be?

like the thud thud of your tears on a pillow
and you don’t even know where it hurts anymore
all you know is that when you hold that plushie you’ve had forever
a thousand pinpricks run along your arms and your chest
breathing will never be easy and here you are
too aware of the sound of choking back your cries
because there are things that the world doesn’t have to know
and one of them is how there are days you fracture
after weeks of not even knowing what it is exactly to feel

like the goodbyes after a few hours of talking in a cramped café
you know you’ll see them again but there is an emptiness as you go home
a part of you acknowledges the fact that they aren’t that far away
another part feels the longing for another hour, another hug
you know of each other’s schedules and how it is not practical to keep meeting up
but you want to cling to something other than your pillows and your wavering sanity
and having them with you has helped in a way that you miss instantly
as you are once again plunged into the reality of it all

it is the clock ticks as you wait for something to end
it is the steadying breath you take as you reel yourself back from the hell of your thoughts
it is the song you now use as a lullaby when your system refuses sleep
it is the drum of rain against windows as you try to find yourself again

there are sounds I will never unhear
and there will be days that I can’t stand to be me
but there will be sounds that pull me back
there are days that I continue to fight the voices
and that is what I should always remember.

If you could only unsee the things you wish you never saw.
If you could only unhear the things you wish they’d never said.
If you could only unsing the song you knew you didn’t mean.
If you could only unlove the ones who hurt you like there never was.
If you could only untouch the souls of the people you moved.
If you could only unsmell the scents you’d otherwise never forget.
If you could only untaste those lips upon your own.
If I could only pretend not to be..

Razor-sharp fingernails scrape layers of flesh from eyelids
Splaying them eternally open
Can't unsee what's been seen
Can't unhear the sounds
Or unsmell the odor that rots in nostrils, infecting every rose
There's no stopping when they all stink the same
Can't undo, can't undo
Safety in bile where nightmares are birthed in reality,
In places that fester like the remnants of the lids that blinded
Bleach doesn't clean untruths
Fire doesn't  burn hot enough to mask pain
Blisters seem like hope
Hope to heal
Hope to resemble something familiar
Peeling skin back with teeth
Wishing for them to bleed
When scalding tubfulls try to cleanse
the grime that sludges through a broken mind
Attached to a heart mindlessly lashed in the shame of

Love

An Angel
Brought me
Peace
Love
Smile
And
Everything

Her funny walk
Had ruined all my unwalkable walk

Her smilie
Will bring thousand flowers to hide
My pains for a while

Her kiss
I Will never miss
Its Brings My Bliss

Her BlablaBlas
Brings Thousands meliodies
To unhear All My Hurts

Did she is My Protecting Angel?
Ofcourse,My Little Angel
The Guardian Angel..

look at my back
watch me as i try to walk
notice how i hardly move

how i have to painfully drag my feet
share the ground the blisters as a secret


look at my back
how i carry my bones
how i silent the creaks

the breaking sounds, the irony smells
now i let them out


look at my back
watch me as i leave the room
listen as i slam the door

unhear the voices
unsmell the scents


look at my back
for the first, the last time
watch me as i hope for the best

my back soon glued inside
an open casket

The Beatles are your jam,
I like pink Floyd.
I see the music scam,
Controlled and devoid!
My idols, once much loved,
Such talent, what sounds!
Their ***** hands once gloved,
Their lows know no bounds.
How epically great they are.
How cool and unique,
Each one such a shining star.
Now I see how they're weak.
They'll no doubt be exceptions,
Won't follow the the rule,
Most built on deceptions,
I'll sing and dance like a fool!
Can't unhear such lyrics,
Nor forget their beats.
Won't break into hysteria,
Nor allow such defeats.
To whom would I get my groove on?
What song would I belt?
Ok so it's all just such a con,
Songs I've grown up with and felt...

You knocked quietly, yelled loudly. Sometimes I can't tell the difference. You come in with fangs out ready to pounce. Little do you ever come for a plesent conversation. But Usually just to mark my walls with your claws again. Your voice is growling and your laugh is a long snarl, one that I can not unhear. The roof shakes at the vibrations of your foot steps. Thump, clatter. Thump, shake. Thump whimper. You circle me with your words, like pray, making me trip and stumble. That is how you win, isn't in? Make your opponent smaller then you feel inside?  
You're a slob , you say.
Good for nothing, you yell.
Why are you always alone? You ask.
Why ask when you know? Why make the memory of your words and the feeling of your fists brighter and deeper in my mind? Oh that's write this isn't pleasant talk. You are here to win. To mark me with a stamp saying that I am nothing.
But as I stood up surrounded by nothingness and darkness, I had to remind myself that i am a human. Flesh and bone. A real person. One with a destiny, thoughts and feelings. Not one less important then the other.
I am not little red riding hood who hid under hoods while being consumed by ugly things disguised as familiar.
I am not Bell who did something she swore she would never do; she settled for someone she did not love.
I am the lady of the lake.
I am the tree that fell in the forest and dared to make a noise.
I well not be locked in towers by men afraid of fire.
I well not stay away from the sea and sun and fly in the same air I have always breathed.
I am more, and I am bigger on the inside then you feel on the outside

1
The water crawled up
her legs like an angry fire.
Stop! For she likes it too much.

#2
Franny and Zooey
Speaks to me like no others.
Happy, yet so sad.

#3
It has been said, when
darkness comes light lives. Yet, all
joy dies as love leaves.

#4
Sound is a constant.
It is always heard. You can-
never unhear sound

#5
Up above the sun
it does not rain nor do they
cry for there is no sadness.

#6
I live again yet
The best part is yet to come
I feel beautiful.

Peel away the anger
Like musty wallpaper,
Strip off the bitterness
And the hurt
And the heavy hearts
And the good things too
Like the joy,
Clear away happiness
And unhear laughter,
Tear off everything
Right and wrong,
Cleanse the emotion,
Pull apart every last shred
Of humanity
And you're left with
A soul, picking its way
Across the universe,
Star by star,
Dust from dust,
At once stripped of humanity
And personifying it.

I was always cautious about using the L word
The word used after like
The big L
Because you can't take that **** back
Once you say it,
You can't unsay it
You can't unhear it

Then I found the L word
I found him
A milk chocolate man with yummy espresso eyes
A goofy, crooked smile that never quits
Tight, soft curls pushed back in a black mane
And a voice that floats on feathers

I found the L word
In between my fingers where he holds my hand
On the nape of my neck where he kisses me at night
Across my cheeks where he brushes his hand
In my mouth where he feeds me the food he's prepared

I found the L word while I was folding my laundry
While I was making us coffee
While we were talking about everything
While we were doing a puzzle and getting nowhere
While I was scrubbing his back in the shower
While we fell asleep in the summer heat under the heavy blankets

I found the L word at a time when I didn't think I would
In a person who wasn't supposed to love me
But did anyway
Despite it all

My sweet sweet girl,
you should know that in this land of tormenting coldness
and mind numbing loneliness
you are my ray of hope.
We all need a source of positivity to draw on
and you are mine.
To laugh out loud for no apparent reason
to get drunk with on a Thursday afternoon
to talk about world politics, boys and the future
you are my partner in crime
the best wing woman
cheerleader
all in one.
Ironic isn't it?
Because I am that to many
and I used to think I was that too.
I guess sometimes even saviours need saving.
I was like you once, many many years ago.
Expecting the best of everything and everyone,
looking at the world through large, bright and sparkly lens of positivity.
I still do.
I still think there's something magical about snow,
stop in my tracks to watch jet paths in the sky,
give the benefit of the doubt to everyone,
and keep searching for Prince Charming.
Only difference is I now identify myself as delusional,
as opposed to optimistic.
The thing is love,
once you find yourself doubled up on the floor,
with every single blood cell infused with *****,
crying out to a God you perhaps no longer believe in,
to just bring you sleep, just this once,
so you can sleep through all this pain and darkness,
there is no turning back.
You can no longer unsee, unhear, undo, unbreak,
change becomes inevitable.
It used to be that if you don't bleed you are not ill,
so no one took us folk seriously when we said it hurts.
So the ******* shrinks drew a list of symptoms,
which did not include big smiles and out going personalities disguising the excruciating burning inside,
so once again no one really believes us when we say it hurts.
Unless we **** ourselves and finally everyone gathers around
with their shocked expressions of disbelief to claim,
'but she looked so happy',
when the first thing we all learnt was how looks could be deceiving.
Everyone looks for love in different places and have different ways of loving.
Specially parents.
You see I thought I broke and hit rock bottom many years ago.
To be honest it wasn't until my mother turned her back on me
that I realized what the definition of broken was.
Parents love their children and God knows mine loves me,
but on nights like this I just want to hear from my mother
that she loves me and believes in me,
but all I remember is the look in her eyes.
It was hatred. It was pure hatred.
Months later after supposedly patching up everything,
that look haunts me,
and breaks me a little bit more every single time.
But I am delusional so I see something profoundly poetic
in my brokenness.
I now truly know what the world holds.
So next time I see someone throwing her head back with a smile little too wide stealing the show,
I'm going to appreciate her effort so much more,
because its not easy to remain delusional.
I hope this world will only bring the very best to you.
I hope you will only know love, acceptance, admiration and success.
As for me,
I hope one day I will be able to stop getting broken,
or in the least get used to the pain.

Your eyes look like they belong to an angel and your smile painted straight from its face.
I wonder when you talk to me, where are your wings?
You were always in the background and I wonder how you ever passed me by.
So quiet because once you strike someone, your entirety speaks so loud.
Way out of my league so I force myself to look away.
Walk away.
Don't fall.
You won't catch me.
But the fall might be worth it so I let go.
You might be worth it.
Your beauty devours me and your voice is like a melody that I can never forget, on repeat to my ears and I'll never unhear the sound.
He's so lucky.
Does he know?
Do you know?
You have no idea.
You know that you're worth it.
You just don't know how much.
And I wish I could show you.
But it's not my place to try.
I don't even know you.
I barely know your name.
And yet all I want to do is sit and learn your story.
But what does it matter when it won't change a thing?
Hopeful and wishful become one and the same.
And you'll continue to twist the words from my mind and onto this page.
Until the ink runs dry.

i'm not sure which is worse:
feeling alone or feeling lonely.
or not knowing the difference between the two
when i have been both.

people don't notice me.
and i think it may just be because i
live in a different world.
maybe because i live inside my head.
which may just be my biggest mistake,
it is a living hell
inside of this place.
and i am constantly hearing knocks
and the sounds of people telling me
to move on.
how you don't need me.
how i am not a first choice.
how i am invisible.

and i am.

but i have moved on from that.
now the question is if anyone new
will notice me.
and we can agree you do not need anyone to
complete you.
but let's be honest:
it's a lot easier to let your tears out when
someone is there to let you pour them
into their ocean.

who knew if you listened hard enough
your loneliness would become so loud
too loud
you wouldn't be able to unhear it.

and i use the music to
drown out the sound.
but when i stop listening
i notice i've been keeping it in the whole time.

and now i know what's worst of all.

being so alone
being so lonely
that you no longer recognize your own voice
because many times it's done its
evil manipulation
of
turning you against yourself.
and you have become
your own worst enemy.

and no sounds of war
could compare to those
that go on in my head.

In that moment
waking
when the dreams we had
subside
and
the only thing remembered
is that something in us
died,
when we shake our heads to
clear our eyes,
but can't unhear those
plaintive cries.

In that moment waking
do you feel that your
heart's breaking
too?

Tell me
How long until
My hands unfeel
Yours in mine
How long until
My eyes unsee
Your blue eyes
How long until
My ears unhear
the sound of your voice
How long until
My heart unloves
A relentless love?

She carried herself across the tops of houses riding on clouds and when we pretend to sleep we make no sounds.
We hold our breath and let our chests rise and fall to the click-snap of opening doors and whispered fights.
The night was thirsty and more than happy to swallow your secrets.
We bump pillows while our lids flutter. open and closed.
We cloaked our ears trying to unhear words shimmy and shake against eachother.
Brilliant shouts shake the house and Shhhhhh is unnecessary when you're not where you should be
no longer in dreamless sleep
Lips lock and bad memories we keep
Cause they're ******* talkin about me
My heart goes da da da dummmmp
Skip trip jump
Cler........
..
...
..Plump
Stop. Waaaaiiiit... Um.
Did they hear me? No.
Da dump daaaaaadummmmm da dump
Too young for chest pains and migranes
That **** is for listening to all your kids talk at once
But i plan to have none
The darkness wraps it's fingers around my already broken neck
It makes a noose out of shadows and hangs me up for all the dead to see
it puts on my eye patches
Envades my mind cause I had the shakes bad today
Another blackout takes me but im afraid im already in too deep

Moonlight
crawling out of
the sea,

we are
no longer
inseperable.

One
now two
torn,

forlorn
yet half my heart
yearns for you.

The other part rebels.

There is
no unfeeling
your touch,

no way
to unhear
your voice.

You are an echo,
unforgettable,
part of me.

Your parting gift
was an exit wound,
a way back in

through the time machine,
reflected moments,
good memories.

In a way
I guess you'll always be
a stubborn itch beneath my skin.

A whisper lost to ear
that travels often to heart
persuading me to love you,

or keep fighting like hell to let you go.

Decision's tree,
to be falling branches
or growing roots;

thrive or decay.

To hold on
or to let go of you,
both seem impossible

to choose and to do.

Cut the corners of my eyes,
make them open wider
Stitch my lips up tight,
keep them together

Is it possible to disrupt my eardrums too?
And maybe stuff my nose up with filters
Roll up my tongue so I can’t bend the truth
And infuse my skin with some glitters

I cannot make the world a better place,
nor unsee, unhear, and unremember
So doctor, please fix my damaged face
Bring back what I lost when I was younger.

Maybe seen,
used to been,
still your sin,
but just in a bin.

Swipe to clear,
make it sear,
but unhear,
I'm afraid not, dear.

Erase the proof,
simply ****,
stay aloof,
still know the truth.

Now gone,
a con,
but drawn,
still on.

Delete,
complete,
a cheat,
I can beat.

another day another mistake
these bad habits I can't seem to break
it's as if they posses a mind of their own
my will wavers whichever way the wind is blown

indulge in excess
time and time again
I repeat the process
repent then sin

rinse and repeat
the guilt consumes me
I never seem to learn
at least not fully

even when I spend months on end
sober and free and conscious again
the cycles always draw me near
like a siren's song I can't unhear

I return to hell to make my bed
and as I lay in it - soul half dead
I come to terms with the fact
that this was my consciously chosen path

When you think something, you can unthink it
When you hear something, you cannot unhear it

When you think something, it isn't true
When you hear something, it's easier to believe

When you think something, only you know
When you hear something, the whole world can judge you

because once you say something
it's in the world for forever

so just because you say "jk"
doesn't make it right

Because you never want to be
in a bullies sights