You aren't the first to tell me that...
So I'm trying to forgive and forget.
But it's hard.
It's hard when someone you love
Tells you that your feelings aren't reasonable.
Like I don't already know that...
Feelings aren't always about logic and fact.
Sometimes people just feel things.
Sometimes for stupid reasons.
You don't have to understand why.
I just thought you cared enough
To want to make me feel better.
Instead you let me return to my head
And torture myself for hours.
You left me there when I just needed
To be held for a moment.
I just needed to hear
That everything was okay.
I just needed to know
That you still loved me,
And that you didn't want me to be uncomfortable.
I know all that should be a given.
Sometimes a gentle reminder just helps...
And keeps me out of the dark.
I'm trying my best to not be
The anxious, self conscious mess
That I always am.
I want to turn it off...
But I don't always win that fight,
And I'm really sorry...
And I already hate myself enough
Every time I do fail.
Please don't give up on me too...
I feel things so deeply
Sometimes it's like I'm screaming
But in some strange language
That no one else knows.
I have nothing more to offer
But who I am.
And daily I am reminded
That it will never be enough.
I get more lonely every day.
Everyone around me gets quieter
And the voices in my head
are only growing louder
Reminding me that I will lose everyone.
That I have never been enough
And will always be too much.
That I am... ultimately, unlovable.
No one can hear me anymore.
As I sink beneath the sea of tears
And the darkness feels so
The more time that passes...
The more life I seem to waste...
The more it hurts...
The less I want to live.
I wish I was braver.
I wish my path had shapped me
And made me stronger.
Instead it's left me lost, alone, and broken.
And I just don't want to feel things anymore
“I'm sorry you feel like people don't see you"
I whispered, while fading fast.
You were so close tonight,
And I fought to string together
The words I thought you needed.
I wanted to say that I see you.
I see your struggles, and the efforts you make.
I see your desire to belong, to be seen.
To be challenged, and needed and appreciated
For everything you do and still have to offer.
And I also see what you do to yourself
When your ideas don’t always fit
into the world you’re living in right now.
I know those frustrations.
I personally believe you were destined for greater things.
Bigger things than you have imagined.
I believe you are capable of conquering
Anything your heart hungers for.
I believe you can make it better, and stronger.
You are not some cold hearted monster.
You don’t lack emotions, or passion.
You are not a failure or a disappointment.
You are not a waste of time or energy or space.
You are so much the opposite, my love.
Yes, you are often misunderstood, unheard…
Or shut out, and vastly underappreciated.
But you should know that from my perspective…
You are a truly rare and interesting being.
Your smile is magic, and your words are truth.
And I crave more of your mind every day.
You are probably the most fascinating creature
To ever have stormed into my world.
And I'm so incredibly sorry.
Because I truly see how wrong everyone else is
And my heart hurts with yours...
You held me closer and answered:
And I did not accept that answer.
My heart reached for yours as I finally slept
Thoughts echoing again and again
“I see you…
I see you…
I see you…”
I see everything you are
And as long as you allow me by your side
I will use all of who I am
Proving that you are worth everything to me.
He does not hear the way my heart
Stalls and stops at the sound of his voice.
Nor capture the moment it implodes
Within the confines of his perfect words .
He cannot grasp that my thoughts scatter
When he looks to read them from my mind.
Nor comprehend that I enjoy the very taste of his name
As my tongue moves to shape it.
He does not see the world around me still
At the sight of his smile.
Nor feel the calm in the air
As I gaze into the depths of eyes.
He cannot fathom the ache inside my heart
As I dream of his presence.
Nor understand the complexity
Of my certain devotion.
He does not know my blood boils
At the thought of his skin on mine.
Nor that I dearly desire his lips
Upon my burning flesh.
He is unaware that he has quickly become...
My dream, my delight, and my desire.
Nor is he even aware
that he is unaware
and may always be.
The first time
You strapped that blue leather
Around my neck
And held me against your chest
My mind was torn open-
The world I knew disappeared-
And there was only you
To surrender to.
As you guided me
And I followed
Walking without hesitation
And feeling without fear...
I knew even days after
I would still be able to hear
The high metalic sound
Of that cold, clinking steal.
And any perception of being
I once thought that I had
Was shattered forever
In those moments.
The world without that clinky strap
Of beautiful blue leather
would never look the same-
Would never again be enough.
Your gaze seemingly cut through my conscious
Pierced my soul.
rummaging around in my thoughts- searching.
For what, I really didn’t care to know.
I often recoiled, denying the intrusion.
Dropping my eyes.
But I was never completely able to ignore the rush.
I could never stop replaying those moments in my head.
The conversation itself probably lost, yes.
But that look….
That immense intensity….
It ignited something inside me that was…
You could actually see me.
Inside of me.
You strode in at your own will,
Unannounced, and uninvited.
You were confident and forward with your thoughts.
And exactly the opposite of me.
And I stood there, Somewhere between:
Wonder and terror.
Curiosity and denial.
Excitement and dismissal.
What on earth could you want with me?
Time would pass,
And I would convince myself that
I just lost my mind in the clouds again.
It was physical attraction.
Or, that you were that way to everyone-
This intense, beautiful person,
Leaving marks in the mind.
That could look intently into your head-
Pull out your soul-
Because he can-
And he wants to-
Just to examine the contents for a moment.
And even once he’s put it back,
Possibly better than before,
You still can’t breathe.
Or remember why you were once so afraid.
I can be patient.
But of the rest, I'm not certain.
Yeah yeah, go on ahead.
I'm so stilled as I watch you.
I am freed, and I am brighter-
No...I never stopped burning.
You are there...
but not here-
As usual- and...
that may never change.
This is better than dying.
I can live with this. For now- say it twice-
And again. Breathe. And again.
It lives... it Breathes... it Feeds...
This is better than dying.
This HAS to be better... than dying...
But im not lost anymore.
I'm just afraid of taking a direction
That leads further down
The deep and darkest rabbit hole.