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Corina May 2015
Everybody dies
That risk is part of living
We all walk around knowing our next breath
may be our last
But we're all hoping to be 85 someday
and die of old age
when living got boring anyway

You probably won't get there
your heart, is a timebomb
every heartbeat another tick
tick tick tick
running towards it's last tick
it's last beat, before your veins close around it
your body attacks it, because it isn't really yours

And the numbers ain't good
they talk years, maybe one or two decades
but it will be soon, when your timebomb runs out of time


If my own heart
connects with yours
if I make it beat faster
and give my extra ticks to you
do I buy you more time?

Is there a magical prayer
a bribeable doctor
another heart you can gain from a carcrash?

Can I blow my own life into yours
increase your lifespan with poetry
keep your heart going, for many decades to come?

I just met you
you're still the new guy in my life
I have no right to claim you
but timebomb inside you
please never explode.
Im a ticking timebomb...
Beep beep beep
Any minute the emotions go...
Causing disturbance and watching it.....flow...
Beep beep beep
Each second the time goes down...
20...19...18...
Im a ticking timebomb...
Beep beep beep
On one point ready to blow...
17... 16... 15...
The time slowly ticking down...
I fear as though my time is short...
Im a ticking timebomb...
Beep beep beep
Any minute the emotions go...
14... 13... 12...
My time is almost up...
I fear I won't say goodbye...
11... 10... 9...
I am a ticking time bomb...
Beep beep beep
Trying to stop my fuse....
8... 7... 6...
To find my life was a blast...
Time to sit back and give up...
5... 4... 3...
Its time for me to say my final goodbye....
2... 1...
I am a ticking time bomb...
Beep beep beep
On an endless trail of death although my life is short it was worth it...
I am a ticking time bomb...
Here to say I'm sorry...
The poem I am a ticking time bomb refers to the life of us slowly living our life slowly and in the end as we hit our last breath of air we apologize for all the wrong that we've done in our life.
Ambiguous Frizz Apr 2019
She's a ticking timebomb
With triggers of every bitter taste, she tries to swallow
And as she wallows in the dark,
drives by every thought
is a tick to the blow.

She's a ticking timebomb
And another tick-tock is growth to the bang

She holds carefully
and hides it like her fangs

Will it ever burst
Or soon just wane?

Whatever goes
However it turns

All she wants is anything but a bomb
she keeps in her chest
slowly beating just to blast.
She's a ticking timebomb
I'm a ticking timebomb
waiting to go off
so if you fiddle with my works
try not to sneeze or cough.

My wiring is fragile,
my casing needs repair.
The people who  assembled me,
they didn't really care.

But when I'm in a bad mood
you should all run in fear
cause this little boy does pack a punch
because I'm nu-clear.

They should keep me in a better state
make sure I am A1
because if I go off you know
you'll all be dead and gone.
Sept 3rd 2014
Josh Morter Mar 2013
Happiness is a timebomb it goes a tick-tock tick-tock boom
One minute your all a flutter
Then thunderstorm, doom and gloom
Your joy can be stripped away like the shirt upon your back
Then it's all danger eyes
Attack! Attack! Attack!
You can have a beaming smile spanning from cheek to cheek
But then you hear some awful news and whoosh there goes your week
The only remedy I have to cure the returning glum
Is find yourself the warmth of a special loved one
They can give you a shoulder to cry on
They can wipe away those knives
They can reset the clocks batteries
They. Can change your lives
So the only way to detonate this so called happiness bomb
Is to hold on dearly to the loving special one
Written on 27/09/12 by Josh Morter ©

Another poem found in a pile of my scrawling's this one had a date at least.
Shannon Delaney Mar 2015
There’s a hammer in my heart,
Maybe a ticking time bomb
I don’t know which,
But something deep inside me
Is counting down
Or breaking open my chest
All I know is the feeling
That I get when I lie in bed
Your memory a ghost
Still holding me in my sleep
I wake only to a constant timer
And a horrid, rhythmic thumping
In my rib cage
That will never leave
Sierra Schultz Nov 2010
In an instant,
darkness overcomes everything.
The silence is deafening.
Fear sets in,
My heartbeat quickens.
It's all I can hear in the night.
Click. Click. Click.
It's like a time bomb.
The clicks turn into ticks.
Tick. Tick. Tick.
It's only a matter of time
before I combust.
M Manese Feb 2016
Your taste runs like kerosene in my veins,
Our kisses, heated, sending my insides aflame;
    I spontaneously combust, lover.
Skin to skin, your mouth is concentrated sin
You make lose my morals, the lust is building;
    Blinding, my pupils burn;
Yours darken with something primal, tensions thickening;
The anticipation's sinking
   right into my gut, I feel your touch
   calloused fingertips dancing up my thighs, teasing.


Your body glistening
   with sweat, trailing down south
   I follow the track hungrily with my mouth
   but it doesn't seem enough.
Our hearts beat fast like the ticking
    of a timebomb nearing detonation;
    We're going to detonate, my love.
We're going to burst in fancy colors like fireworks gone haywire,
    the bed is our sky.
We're going to get lost among the sheets,
    like sailing across familiar seas.
The moonlight, dangerously bright
    they seem to shine from your eyes
    but they darken with something like clouds on a stormy night.


And I'm not sure if there really is a God
    but tonight I kept calling his name
    yours interspersed in between
    heavy breathing, our pants sounding
    like broken notes of some orchestrated masterpiece
    and the crescendo's nearing.
Our pulse following the rising melody
I am mesmerized, out of control
I am lost amidst the euphoria
    right now
    with you
maureen Dec 2019
only the feeble-minded
refuses to regard time
as restraint.
only with ear ringing, heart pounding
will you realize

its already too late.
my diffuser, oh how shortlived our love be ·
Wuji Jan 2012
YOUR A ******* TIME BOMB!
TICK! TICK! TICK!
EXPLOSION IS NOW!
ALWAYS HAPPENS SO QUICK!

Broke my heart again,
Yelled at me again,
Accuses me of everything again,
Saying I am the worst of all men.

Why did I let you in?
You blow up my house every time.
Makes no sense.
No rhythm no rhyme!

You are child,
And you play every game.
Freeze tag with my heart.
TILL I GO INSANE.

You have made me hate my choice.
Yet I wouldn't change a thing.
Our song was a  fine one,
Yet it will not sing.

YOUR A ******* TIME BOMB!
TICK! TICK! TICK!
EXPLOSION IS NOW!
ALWAYS HAPPENS SO QUICK!

I AM ******* DONE,
DEFUSING YOUR SOUL,
STAY THE **** AWAY,
YOUR SELF DESTRUCTING HAS TAKEN IT'S TOLL!
I AM DONE. 3 MOUTHS AND YOU GET BORED. NO MORE!
POEMS Apr 2015
Beat
Beat back the urge

Beat it back to the Stone Age
You nerd!

I got a motor mouth
A mile a minute
It's a song and dance
But I'm not in it

Bite
Bite your lip

Fool yourself into thinkin'
You've beat it

I got a tigger finger
No gun to pull
A fragile headstock
Lost my cool

I'm tic tock tic tock tic tock tickin away
I'll blast off like a rocket into outer space
You can keep it down for a little while
But soon enough you'll be forced to smile

Keep
Keep your cool

Keep it locked up tight
One rule

I got a worn out shirt
It Never fits right
I shift my shoulders
Under the lights

Make
Yourself do better

Make it all go away
It's the weather

I'm tic tock tic tock tic tock tickin away
I'll blast off like a rocket into outer space
You can keep it down for a little while
But soon enough you'll be forced to smile
Alice Dec 2019
Learn patience
Like it's your first steps.

Learn to be patient with yourself.
Learn to be patient with others.
Learn to be patient with your environment.

You are
Always
Waiting.

Do so patiently.
Just need to hear this myself really
WARNER BAXTER Jan 2014
~
*TRAVEL TIME   TROPICS TRIP    TOURIST TOWN   TUNNEL TOLL   TICKET TAKER
TAXI TOKEN   TRANSIT TRAIL   TRANSPORT TRUCK   TRACTOR TRAILER  
TRAIN TRACK   TROUBLE TEST   TERROR TRAP   TRIBAL TURF  
THINK TALK   TRY TRANSLATE   TONGUE TIED  
TEMPER TAMPER   TIMEBOMB TICKING   TRINKET TRADE  
TARIFF TERMS   TWINKLE TAX   TREASURE TOTAL   THEFT TAKEN  
TWISTING THROBING   THIRSTY THROAT   TECATE TAVERN   TWO TEQUILA  
TRES TACOS   TASTY TORTILLAS   TEN TEQUILA    TABLE TAB   TIP TINA  
******  TROLLUP   TATTOO TABOO    TOE TAP   TICKLE TEASE    
TERRIBLE TUNES   TENOR TONES    TRUMPETING TROUBADOURS  
TWENTY TEENS   TICK TOCK   TARDY TIME   TIRESOME TESTIMONY  
TOTALLY TRANSGRESSED  
TUMULTUOUS TRAVELER
Ticking like a timer
tick tick
on a timebomb
primer.

Dynamo or dynamite they both
light up
they both bite deep
tick tick
when I'm fast asleep
and one day
I'll explode.

Or

I'll settle in
get old and fat
forget that
tick tick
pick a card.

Chances are,
are chances few and far between,
chances are I've been the one
tick tick timer
prime a
timebomb.
maisie khan Nov 2013
She's a small town girl, but she thinks she's made for the big city. You've seen her; walking through the streets, cigarette between her lips and a glint in her eye that says ''you don't know **** about me.'' She's the simple body, simple face, simple voice but she's a disaster just waiting to happen. She's a volcano ready to erupt in the most beautiful way possible.

She looks at you with her eyes giving nothing away, piercing your soul, overpowering your mind with 1000 questions, the first being ''who are you?'' But you don't ask because in all honesty, it's more exciting that way and she has no ******* clue who she is. You wanna know her, right? You want her to open herself up and reveal to you all those sacred parts of her body. You want to explore her skin, feel her bones. You want her to leave a mark on you made of lipstick, you want your sheets to smell like her perfume and you always want more.

She isn't going to give you more.

She's a timebomb, ticking away the more you watch her. It makes her angry. She knows your staring at her *** as she walks away and she's wondering why you still won't look her in the eyes when she talks to you. She might rip her clothes off for you but she's never going to let you behind her skin. It's dark there and sometimes, there isn't a way out... at least for her. She knows you're going to leave and she's waiting. And when you leave, she'll cry for you. She'll cry herself to sleep.

But it's okay, because one day she'll live in the big city. It's okay because she'll find someone else, right? It's okay to treat her like a cheap ******* because one day she'll find someone who doesn't. And all of this pain she feels, all of these tears; they're just temporary. No way could you hurt her permanantly. I mean, she'll get over it, right?
Tiara I S May 2019
Can you come back home
See the cracks along with the wildflowers along with the weeds
Airplane arms flying concrete lanes
Hopping- skipping- tripping pavement
Apollo high in the sky
Ticking timebomb tickling- oh so- tender
Heartbeat jumping- pumping- thumping to the love
Love encased within the home hearth
Can you come back home
To the earthen greens and towering trees

- Hold Up -

A brain zap and a brain tap massercering-
The strength- the will- the want- the need
To see it all so bright and warm
The cracks cracking- shaking- breaking into molten chasms
Wildflowers- weeds- alike swallowed
Burnt alike- murdered alike- back to the core alike
Arms crashing- smashing- snapping into concrete fields
Timebomb looming- booming- shredding shrapnel through the love
The love encased- suppressed- within the home hearth
Mother nature aint your birther- she doesn't nurture
The hearth ain't **** if your home bone cold
Warmth make a home a home
Gaia spits up- chews up- ***** up mankind
Can you come back home

no

Make yourself your own ******* home.
antidepressant withdrawal got me heated and Kendrick Lamar's album To **** a Butterfly is literal spoken word. A masterpiece of the Black American collective conscious- if I may add.
. She's a top-hat autocrat, inamber wavesof grain,singing whiskey lullabies-As young girls comes of ageanother flower dies.3 a.m. pencilsprickfamous strangers;the waitress in theblack stockingsstill believesshe's lost some timebomb ticking somewhere.A starving dog,unblinking-barked at my shoes..
Lorraine Cinco Jun 2015
I wonder how many people were broken when we met.
Because a friend told me about parallel universe.
There is an exact opposite of the world we live.
If I was the happiest girl, it adds another lonely girl in that universe,
It kinda bothers me because I dont wanna see lonely people.
Just as I see myself right now. Its never a best place to be.

Those days were filled with moments I could never forget.
Moments Ive shared with you was firsts of my so many.
Still, there are words I wanna hear from you.
Hoping that one day it will be clear as crystal blue.
I love you, the words I kept and wish to say but never gotten the chance to say it.
I miss you, I missed you and I will miss you.
but how could I if you're not even mine.

Start and end are two different words always followed by the word fast
same as the sunrise and suset though they never met.
A french film told me that fantaises we created are doomed to fail.
I proved it right.
The hardest part was knowing that you hurt me but still doesnt change the way I feel.

How can a human heart beats this way?
It must be magic, no its a miracle.
See, love took your breathe away yet you're alive.
Pain, love and hopes intersecting with each other like a wire in a timebomb.
cut the wrong wire then boom! it'll explodes!

One thing for sure, I never regret of knowing you.
I never regret the time we shared, I never regret those sleepless night.
Though I knew it was all played, I never regret I felt this way.
If incase you're looking for a happy girl, remember the day we met because you were talking to her.

Don't ask me if Im lonely because loneliness is when I see my life without you.
Dont get me wrong because I knew from the start it was a one way entry road.
And I was stubborn to enter though the sign says "do not enter"
What can I do? no one teach me how to drive.
But if anyone  has the courage to teach my stubborn heart to drive.

I vowed to love again, this time like a fruit ripened from its season.
Ready and worthy  to be picked.
Thank you for passing by.
Goodbye my Love,
Till we meet again.
Ethan Kreman Apr 2013
I'm sitting in this cold dark house
Stifling my tears, quiet as a mouse
I'm stuck here, locked inside my own head
Remembering all those things you said
Now I'm all too ****** up
Beyond complete repair
I'm a timebomb ready to blow up
Running my fingers through, ripping out my hair
All that's left is this empty shell
Maybe I'll live maybe I'll die who can tell
Hide me away atop this shelf
Maybe I might just **** myself
Sethnicity Sep 2015
Looks like smiles and hugs
and current seas for eternity,
I will cover the spread
and her head
The price of her education hard knocks
and maturation
When fully flowered before spring
and ticking timebomb within
Eyes on boys wandering from books
Broken everything and lasers for looks
Her currency never grows thin
Paid in full again and again
If only the world knew what
Made it spin
Looks like smiles and hugs
Refill my wallet *****.
for my Daughter in Step.
JP Apr 2017
Like creditor
this device also
give grace time
James Lindsay Nov 2011
I’ve got enough to say but enough is too much when time is out of essence and patience shrinks.  Meandering around the point can create petals around a flower or footprints on a grave.  

Trendy personality.

Flimsy in actuality.  

Your grave in your heart is holding what’s left of your mind while you lead your prickly appetite for deterioration through Avenue You.  

Those who turn away are not curious, but imaginative.  

They leave a wick for you to light their timebomb and are ever-satisfied with an infinite globe.  

Spare little attention to those who roam and always mindful of those at home.
Finn Dec 2021
Shaking shuddering vibrancy
A blink and I'm gone
Past the twisting fracturing light
Stretched and bent around gravity
The twisting halls that are pulled out into eternity
And instead found in Aether

Galaxies and stars searing my fingertips
Dark inky waters surrounding me
Skin sliding off, muscles turning to dust
Revealing my core
A bright
Spiraling
Supernova
Burning and revolving with rings of ice,
like Saturn
But much like how stars burst in their passion
And time itself will trickle the last grain of sand in its hourglass
A ticking timebomb in my soul
An explosion of firecrackers waiting for me,
at my end
The heat death of every universe living in my mind
and sprouting from my skin
Even Gods are forgotten
But as I reach like Icarus once did
setting myself aflame on white dwarves and red stars
And I
finally
feel
Alive
this is what happens when I drink redbull
Just Anna Jul 2013
Everyone is cranky
Everyone is breaking
But everyone is blaming
The
Wrong
Person

Can't you see
The ticking timebomb
Wasn't her
It's
*Me
Can't you see. It's me. I started all this ****. Not on purpose but it's me.... I triggered everything
MaSHTONdison May 2014
"I jump into knee deep water,
but im sinking,
somehow.

trouble on every corner,
but your all i need now.

you give me something,
what,
i dont know.

but i feel like a timebomb ticking,
and with out you,
i might blow.

you give me a feeling,
you give a hiding place,
our love is bitter,
but i love the taste.

who said it was easy,
taking it day by day,
but just always remember,
Ill love you anyway."
solfang Jan 2018
there is no need
to throw grenades
at me; when I am
already a living,
ticking timebomb
spare me your shades, spare me your hates.
Sarah Flynn Nov 2020
there used to be a shy, young man
living four doors down from mine.
he never seemed too hurt to me,
and he told me he was fine.

I shouldn't have believed him
but I didn't have a choice.
you can't listen to cries for help
if the crier has no voice.

he was from the south side
where bullets fly like stars,
painting the skies red every night
through windows, skin, and cars.

a girl lived on the north side
slightly to the west.
I had never met her,
but he said she was the best.

when he talked about this girl,
she was his rock, his moon, his sun.
she was all he'd ever dreamed of
and their romance had begun.

I saw him outside all the time
daydreaming down the block.
his story was a timebomb
and I wish I saw the clock.

I never saw this girl of his,
but she made him someone new.
he smiled, happy and in love
and I knew she loved him too.

he finally seemed eager
to learn, to live, to leave.
kids don't make it out of here
but I let him believe.

city kids are city kids.
they never travel far.
they will never see a garden,
just concrete, blood, and tar.

city kids don't breathe fresh air.
they smoke ****, cigs, cigars.
I wish that things were different
but this is how they are.

I wish that the boy four doors down
was able to be freed,
but just like all the other boys,
he had to stay and bleed.

that boy would sneak out late at night,
walking alone in silence.
he'd travel to the northwest side
with no fear of the violence.

every night, he'd stay awake.
his eyelids felt weighed down.
he didn't seem to notice.
I never saw him frown.

every day, he could be seen
doing what he always did.
with deals and deaths and drive-bys,
he didn't get to be a kid.

but none of that mattered
as soon as nighttime came.
he saw his girl when it got dark.
every night, it was the same.

until one night, the boy got stopped
and told to stay away.
the northwest side was not his side,
but he could not obey.

their romance turned to horror
and their love turned into fear.
I wish it didn't go this way,
but the end was clearly near.

city boys and city girls
never see what we call "fame."
they don't show up in newspapers,
and no one asks their names.

city boys die every day,
with bullets in their brains.
no one hears their cries for help.
no one feels their pain.

the young man living on my block
fell in love and saw no danger.
on the south side, he was sweet and shy.
away from home, he was a stranger.

he never made it out of here.
he didn't get to finish growing.
he went to see his perfect girl
but never got where he was going.

the next morning, his girl was told
how they found him on the ground.
she took a rope and went to bed
and that's where she was found.

******, pain, and gunshots
and a girl hung from her ceiling.
this city saw it all and more
and still, we aren't healing.

I think about him often now,
that boy from four doors down.
I wonder where he'd be today
if he had left this town.

two graves dug in the dirt too soon
are all that's left of them today.
you won't ever hear their stories
now that they've gone away.

a boy with hope still in his eyes
and dreams still in his mind
was stolen so abruptly
before it was his time.

a girl with love still in her heart
and faith still in her smile
was punished with a death sentence
but never had a trial.

he was a modern Romeo
and she was Juliet.
they fell in love and lost their lives
not even grown up yet.

a tragedy with pain and loss,
a true Shakespearean drama.
this is the kind of story
that leaves us all with trauma.

once, there was a boy and girl
who ended when they bled,
like characters inside a play
that they had never read.

they were taught how to survive,
who would hurt them, where to look.
they knew of pain and grief and death
but never learned to read a book.
CJ M Jan 2016
I’ve grown to like her body, but can’t fall in love with her mind.
We’re not on an equal playing field, no love for the lover, but it gets odd every time we talk.
So we stay quiet.

Originally, I could make love to her mind while we gave thoughts that pierced the order of the world’s system, but I can’t even sense a happiness anymore. We’re no longer a pair, no longer a connection.
We are mismatched.
I feel it, but can’t touch it on my plane of existence.
Raindrops drum on the base of my window sill as I write to the winds, words not flowing well enough so I force them as I force my tears back into my skull.
I’m a timebomb- limited and dangerous, and, sooner or later, I’ll explode.
I taste something bitter between my lips as I make winds flow around me. With my thoughts on my sleeve, I begin to feel
Swooned.
My winds block out the sounds of her
Tears wash away her long lost kisses
And my aching heart throbs enough to get rid of the pain of the thought of her nails on my cheeks as we stared into each other’s souls.
I gave you my heart, love. What was it you planned to do with it besides break it? I wanted the love that you could provide, I wanted to hold hands and speak sweet nothings, I wanted to argue about dumb things and hear you claim to hate  me before we’d make up and become best friends again.
But I was wrong.
Maybe it was bad luck, maybe it was Karma, but I was wrong about you. You weren’t the fantasy I thought you were, you were a chip in my armour that I had no clue about. You were my freedom, but you revoked yourself.
You were my love.
And now, love, I’m afraid we’re in a state of afterlove. I love you, but don’t and so forget my words of sweetness, my ****** jokes or, as you put it, quirky personality.
Your space in my heart has been revoked.
On a wave again, just lettin it go. This was actually a while I was makin it in class yesterday, but while I was continuing it today, I decided to change the title to "afterlove" So, avenge, Here it is lol
Third Eye Candy Sep 2019
sleep is a ******. it recoils when the moon and the night conspire.
it shuns slumber like a timebomb on a porch.
sleep ticks like a phantom with Tourettes...

we are not familiar.

in the wee hours, I am disconnected
from trivia. attached to the hull of a great force
surging through the aqueous chasms
of my insomnia.
like a butterfly the size of a classical harp
clapping in the dark
Almighty,
Amanda rodeiro Jan 2015
I think I’m a ticking timebomb, every day that goes by my anger grows and grows, never diffusing.
Theres no one else to be angry at but myself. As weak as an eggshell, breaking at the slightest impact. If i were a color i would be scarlet, filled with rage and a roaring fury that only gets worst when spoken to.
My body is as tight as a coil, springing up in defense at every little thing. impatient and tired of the apparitions that keep moving through the walls of its brain. I want them to leave but i get lonely without them keeping me company.
I ask them to hold my head up, their transparent hands gently cradle me. rocking me into an absent lull. They bring me down but lift me up and i can’t live without their memory, They make me into who i am.
i ask them to hand me the ladder whenever i get stuck at the bottom of the pit. I should’ve learned my lesson, sometimes they pull it up instead of lowering it down. They make me keep grasping for more light.
I ask them to eat dinner with me occasionally, i tell them i want to hear their voices again. i leave out extra placemats for them incase they ever decide to join me. I’m left hoping and staring at empty seats, reminded that they will never come back. They make me stomach food again.
I ask them if it hurt when they left. if they feel my tears whenever i cry. i am met with wide stares and carefree smiles. left to wonder what they found that makes them happy. they make me feel again.
I ask them to love me despite what disasters i make for myself. i don’t have to hear their voices anymore to know that they do.
John Destalo Apr 2020
I have not
learned to ask

in a way that
says I own my

needs and wants

suppression
squeezes
secrets

pain waits
in every crack

something is
bound to explode
Sombro Mar 2020
Kiss me with deflating lips
Beach body beached on my mind
Fated errors in our minds rejoice
At distance confirmed and hammered in

To lift a veil and see the wolf
Corrugated eyes blend with the sea
Of unthought masses watching TV
Of the dark road, the foreign path

It's hopeless when your sleep
Loses its pull, its fire to be
What happens when legends draw their maps
And don't mark the road you knew they'd make?

I know I'm too young to feel this desperate
Never found the days that would keep the nights warm
Never saw the glint to the Tigers bite
Never saw the moon above the wave

Too old is an expression lost on eyes
Glassy for timebomb putty
Artists weary become manufacturers
When ignored, when declined

Beach body, that's what I had, a belief in clicky thoughts
Understanding caved in to knowing
And knowing fell to fact,

I've built my way, carved in gritty stone
That as sand my footstep knows
I'll crawl forward, step by slip
And follow the path up till the ahead.
A word on creation, and on walking paths that are aging
f Aug 2018
there is nothing less comforting than the whiteness of a hospital
clinically and methodically assaulting your senses
which have already endured enough to last you a lifetime of pain;
for a place made to heal people, it is awfully lifeless
and cold

i was so cold
the whole time
and i don't know if that was anxiety or real
normal cold
but i was shaking
even when they gave me the scratchy, paper thin blanket
i was shivering

mom
i'm sorry we're even here;
if i'm sorry for what happened, or for telling her
it doesn't matter
because the awkward
and silent acknowledgment of how artificial our love is
is broken;
this is a discomfort that's far worse
because more than anything
this is discomfort

how do i tell you i lied
about every time i left the house
until i was lying about things that didn't matter
inconsequential details i still wanted to hide away from you?
because showing you any part of me felt uncomfortable
like exposing a healing wound to the cold air

a hospital waiting room
is probably the worst place to have this type of conversation
so instead i carry the weight, and sit stiffly next to you
and distract myself with nurses and women in wheelchairs

why are they here?
are their stories as tragically stupid as mine?
because it really is tragically stupid
a poem titled **** kit
should probably be about a girl who was *****

i don’t know if i was *****
i thought i was
then i thought i wasn’t
then it didn’t matter because i was speaking with a nurse
who told me we’d have to report this

i don’t even have any metaphors tucked away
waiting to be eloquently written
about how still the air was
i don’t remember a shift in noise;
all i remember was crying uncontrollably

what an effective way to wreck a girl’s life;
for a minute,
i thought this was karma for lying
surely i was lying
because this wasn’t happening to me

but it still didn’t matter
because i was now talking to a doctor
and my parents stood at the edge of a hospital bed
looking at me like i was contaminated

and when she took her leave
i wanted to beg her to stay,
because i didn’t want to be locked in a room,
feeling contaminated and disgusting,
with such an ugly reality choking the air
shoving itself so far down our throats
that every time i found the courage to speak through the knot in my throat
my dad would look down at me
like he hated me
i think he hated me

i hated myself a little, too,
because nothing would ever be comfortable again
and we would always be sitting on a ticking timebomb
waiting for it to blow up, any minute

when would we acknowledge this?
when would my parents realize
this was realer than any of us were comfortable with
and blow everything to smithereens?

this is what it feels like
to push a boulder down a hill;
because i’m reckless and stupid
i am not a coward
and i’m not scared of some guy who got drunk
and got me drunk
but i am, if anything, stupid

this isn’t a thought experiment;
i have to keep reminding myself,
because what i set in motion would **** people
my parents were just collateral damage
and i think my mom still beats herself up for not standing up to my dad
and he beats himself up for letting his own daughter get to a point
where she felt it was wise to lie to him and hook up with a guy in an abandoned house

but once the dust had settled, and they'd both recovered from the shock of realizing
i was no longer their daughter,
but an incredibly stupid person,
i had become collateral damage as well

there is probably nothing that can prepare you
for the feeling of your own dad calling you a *****
in so many languages,
and so many different words,
you’d think it would lose its’ punch
but it never does
and each time you take a blow
he yells louder
because, why are you crying?

why would you be crying,
when you did this?

i was a stranger to my own family
not because they think i was *****
but probably because they know i don’t think i was *****;
this hospital
has broken me more than anything that boy has done to me

because he is a stupid fifteen year old
who gave some girl he liked ***** because she begged him for it
but these are big, white walls
fully conscious of what they do to anyone roaming these halls
because my life isn’t now divide into
before he ***** me
and after

but before i stepped foot in that hospital
and after.

— The End —