Laugh, Pagliaccio.

For sorrow now knocks,
and racks upon you
its thousand woes

Laugh, Pagliaccio.

As the mourning dew,
adorns your withered rose

Laugh, Pagliaccio.

For the thorny nest,
now covets.
That blackened heart

Laugh, Pagliaccio.

As from this bed,
you’ll never come to wrest;
Ever-nested in ****** vines.
You’ll writhe, each ****** day.
So forgo any and all hopes of rest
And—

Laugh, Pagliaccio.

Whilst the furrows deepen,
and the time for tears, comes down weepin’,
to dole over joys no more leapin’,
joys that strain, under sadness, now seepin’,  
As unsown fruits ripen;
and become the unworthy’s reapin’

Truly,
heartbreak’s come
and taken all—
worth keepin’

Laugh, Pagliaccio.

Not for the people’s pay,
no—
for the fool that you are,
swayed as you were,
like child’s play.

Laugh, Pagliaccio.

The people restless;
clamour, bicker and fight.
In wait for their beloved Pagliaccio;
the clown with wit and humour rife.
So adorn your mug with that ghastly white,
and let them gaze.
Upon the clown of wit and humour rife;
not a man suffering under muted plight,
nor one vengeful;
of horrors, in spite.

For you, by fate have been chosen,
to carry,
this chip and blight.
Now, heavy heart, make light
and brave these jagged waters,
that ill-humour has tasked you smite

Go now!
Caper in. To the jester’s tent.
But beware;
be not seen under the searing light.

not the kind of pain that tickles and pokes
but the kind that knocks you back a few feet when it hits
&
rips the air out of your lungs
like the few moments of excruciating pain you feel when you stub your toe or clamp your hand between a door
it's an unexpected kind of pain
& your nerve endings can't help but become overwhelmed in pain

it's a greedy kind of love
the kind that takes and takes and TAKES
it slices you open, not enough to be fatal but just enough to bleed
&
that's all that's left for you to do,
                                                           b l e e d
this love bleeds you dry,
it takes all that is you
&
leaves nothing behind
nothing for others to identify you by
it leaves nothing for others to
                                                           s a l v a g e

it's a suffocating kind of love
like a horrible case of claustrophobia
the walls seem to be closing in
the world is getting smaller
the air is getting thinner
&
you watch for a few painful seconds as you lay there gasping for life
clawing at the walls like a trapped mouse
aware that you are dying
aware that there you are utterly helpless to stop it

a love whose purpose is to cage
not treasure
it boxes you up
&
creates a world that composes of only two strong arms that feel more like a prison than comfort
they bind
&
enclose on you

it's a love that should know when to stop
but doesn't
it's a never ending cycle of violence
of heavy fists
&
relentless kicks
then sweet kisses that act as apologies
trying to soothe the pain
&
then whispers  
"I'm sorry, never again. I promise."
words that you know not to trust

it is a love with no way out

A friend said, "It's hard to start a relationship."
Yes, in any form, beginning is always the hardest.

Starting this poem ain't easy as well
Though I have an idea on my mind.
Introductions are harder to write than the body and the conclusion
It's so hard to start especially on a writer's block.

In writing, you can choose how to end a story
It's a choice.

But I just realize
Ending a story with a bad ending is hard as well
Unconciously, you put yourself in a trauma.

Moving on is inevitable,
It's a must
Moving on is easy,
It only takes a little time,
A little time.

But when someone knocks on your door
Why are you anxious to open it?
Are you worried what may happen?

Yes, in any form, beginning is always the hardest.

The space buzz
There is no more powerful temptation and temptation in the universe than you. You are so beautiful that you want to use foul language from the infinitely powerful, awesome explosion of admiration, from the billions of infinitely colorful colors of bright emotions of love and positive feelings. It is hard to believe in this, it seems that nature made photoshop, but it’s true, you’re trully, you are incredibly beautiful by nature. The color of your skin and eyes is the color of hot, torrid ***.
Not enough and all the compliments and poems to describe your beauty. You are much beautiful than love, better than ***, better than any pleasure in this universe, for me you are the most beautiful goddess of beauty of this universe, you are beyond competition, you are more important than any offenses of guilt and other trifles, and *** with you is divine higher buzz. Your every touch or kiss is priceless and unforgettable, every kiss you make is the highest ******* cosmic out, from your touch your heart knocks more and shakes on my skin, with you I am in paradise. An incredibly beautiful, **** doll is an example of perfect harmonious natural, universal beauty, cosmically beautiful, you are a cosmic buzz, a doll's beauty and pretty. Your beauty falls in love and excites even to the pleasant pain and sweet enravishment, the highest level of pleasure. Through the sweet and appetizing seducing, teasing with its perfect beauty. You instantly and inevitably fall in love with you.
I'm in love with you in any condition. You are beautiful to me even in old age. You are my most desired and desired dream. You are an ultra powerful hypnosis hot love ***. You're so delicious, you tease my insatiable *** appetite. Epic iconic pathetic epojently beautiful. Unbearably incredibly **** exciting. I fall in love with you more and more I want you more and more and more and more. Among the billion girls and women you are the most beautiful. You dominate the podium of beauty in my attention and thoughts because you are the most beautiful and **** in the universe.
Author: Musin Almat Zhumabekovich

Rising urge
of looking outside.
The window
almost wants me to draw near
and the full morning light
comes right in.
No good reasons for,
that knocks me inside
like my own thoughts,
fluttering and spinning around
In search of ease
and breakthroughs.

So much room
for the spring to leak on me
seeping in, through
the sheer white curtains
I would pull back,
cause where I can see you
any clear vision is so rare.
Not just in my head
new lifetimes call
for the great unknown
to get me outside.
Rising urge...
ever since you.

I am amazed at the beauty of the earth's Glorious wonder
As I sit in silence and ponder
I look up to gaze at the wide blue yonder
As the Golden glow of light appears upon the glittering water
The Sun bathes the earth
Showing all of humanity its worth
I was embraced by nature's peace and serenity
Feeling free like nothing is holding on to me
While I was captivated by this breath taking scenery.
And Through The warm grained sand I waded
Until i found a spot where I could relax my mind and let the stess of life become faded.
Feeling elevated
The Divine spirit left my soul impermated
With the sensation of Feeling exhilarated.
And then I felt Something dustrub my tranquility
Over taking the peaceful canvas indefinitely
Its almost as if the Sun fearfully hides behind the clouds that surf across the wide gloomy skies
And Darkness overtakes the light.
As if all suddenly the day immediately turns to night and my soul is filled with anxiety and freight
The Thick black ominous clouds were bellowing in from the east and west.
And I could feel my heart rapidly beating from the middle of my chest.
The thunder roared
As the The rain heavily poured
the lightening struck the sky furiously.
Almost as If God Spoke Angrily.
As I just prayed Softly
The wind Howled like wolf
Then the wind Swirled around and around from the sky to the ground
like a child first leaning how to draw with a crayon and scribbles away
Drawing in a circular motion leaving behind smudges of grey.
Its a storm brewing in my pathway
Do I stay or run away
His road seems a little rocky
But I just wanted to speak life joy and peace into his cold heart and body.
But I never knew he would leave me in a state of being melancholy.

This Tornado is on a Rampage of Destruction
Making it hard for my brain and heart to properly function
This Disater paralyses me and knocks into a concussion.
I thought I heard his voice and mines fussing
But it was My heart, my soul, and my brain that were having a discussion
Leaving me in the blank space where all I can hear and see are all the thought in my head that were rushing.
I went numb feeling Nothing.
Entangled and trapped in his gravity.
Being drained ny his bad engery.
This is what it happens when our 2 worlds collide.
My happiness, my joy and strength has just died.
As the tears turn into a river streaming from my face That I cried from keeping all theses Emotions bottled up inside.

evening loneliness arrives at dawn
and knocks on the dusty windowpane

in the kitchen, i lie — with threadbare arms —
against the shabby wooden cupboard frame

this house is void of all electricity
except for the light bulbs, the fridge, the T.V.

and my steady-beating heart of rhythmic defeat
lying naked across the tear-stained sheets

if you come home and find that i am dead,
perhaps some ***** dishes fell on my head

but most likely, i'll be, in the living room gloom
with a half-drunk bottle of wine to consume

with emergency flares tied to both wrists,
i'll leave you a smile, a sigh, and a kiss

my hair
is stuck down in the drain
wetting my dress
and drying my veins

my skull
it grew in too late
making me spin
in a hellscape of hate

nothing's the same
and everything's great

my hands
are shedding their nails
waving goodbye
to blood on the trails

my legs
cannot hold their weight
my bones look the same
as the ones on my plate

nothings's the same
and everything's great

my chest
it knocks and it shakes
pinning me down
how low can it take

my corpse
should rot in a case
inside of the flesh
where I used to be safe

nothings the same
i'm going to faint

With these flowers between us I cannot see your face
And with this table separating us I cannot feel your heart beat.
The flowers give off a sickly smell,
One that implies they are dying.
But both of us ignore them,
Because we too, are dying.

There is nothing between us now
But I still cannot see your face,
My face is in the crook of your shoulder
As we dance achingly slowly around the kitchen;
This death defying dance is no longer about living,
Now it’s more about not dying

In our moonlight waltz we fall into unharmonious synchronization
Our steps taken prisoner by the serenading stars,
Following the beat of the comet-streaked sky.  
His heartbeat matches the pace of our dance and
He twirls me to the tune of his truths that hurt more
Than his lies.

We tango through the house,
Our feet stepping on the cursed mirror shards
That show all we used to be,
When the flowers did not smell sickly,
But had the intoxicating aroma of life.
What stupid flowers.

He dips me into the bed we used to share
I grip onto him for dear life.
Our feet are bloodied, leaving marks all around.
I was the one who taught him this dance in the first place.
This foxtrot of lies and self-doubt and tears,
He always was a better follower than leader.

Around again and again
We wear trenches in the hallways and
Forts in the kitchen.
One of us knocks over the table, such a little misstep,
But the flowers in their vase fall, shattering everywhere.
You don’t have a heartbeat anymore.

You know, sometimes it really ****** me off how completely infatuated with you I am. I try so **** hard to be the quintessentially cool, calm, and collected one.

Act like I don't immediately perk up and look around every single time I think I hear you walking my way. Like I don't check my phone regularly just in case I received some communication from you and missed it by chance. As if I don't await the moment my eyes get to settle upon your face, I get to wrap my arms around you, and press my lips to yours. Like hearing your voice isn't what starts my world spinning again when it's all stopped and also slows it down when I'm racing too fast and facing an imminent crash.

But sometimes, every so often, I wish I could back up, pull away, distance myself even just the tiniest bit. That way when the casualest insult unfurls itself from your tongue, crawls between your teeth, and crosses those perfect lips of yours, I don't feel like the wind coming off your words knocks me over with such ferocity.

**** masterminds
steer clear of this man
He's relentless
a pitbull
Lumping up Pinkman
for no logical reason
He's a madman
Massacres Mexican
kingpins and button men
Knocks out Keith Jardine
in a barfight
initiated as a ptsd
relief valve
Maddog brothers
Axe murdering elite
eliminated with a bullet
a fender
and a little help from Gustavo Fring  
The only man
to walk away unscathed
from the exploding head of Danny Trejo debacle
Houndog Hank
the sherman tank
is hot on Heisenbergs trail.
Its almost guaranteed
One of them will die
Heisenbergs Bad
But Schrader
is badass.

Mine, mine, mine –
the pain is mine,
I can bear it.

Mine, mine, mine –
The shame is mine,
I can wear it.

Feel the brittle glass,
a couple of knocks
and it will shatter.

I have a spine of steel,
throw your rocks,
it doesn’t matter.

Watch me burn,
with cool disdain,
I won’t bemoan it.

This trainwreck is mine,
my hellfire to maintain,
witness how I own it.

Into the blue river hills
The red sun runners go
And the long sand changes
And to-day is a goner
And to-day is not worth haggling over.

   Here in Omaha
   The gloaming is bitter
   As in Chicago
   Or Kenosha.

The long sand changes.
To-day is a goner.
Time knocks in another brass nail.
Another yellow plunger shoots the dark.

   Constellations
   Wheeling over Omaha
   As in Chicago
   Or Kenosha.

The long sand is gone
      and all the talk is stars.
They circle in a dome over Nebraska.

Ben Sana Mecburum (“You Are Indispensable”)
by Attila Ilhan
translation/interpretation by Nurgül Yayman and Michael R. Burch

You are indispensable; how can you not know
that you’re like nails riveting my brain?
I see your eyes as ever-expanding dimensions.
You are indispensable; how can you not know
that I burn within, at the thought of you?

Trees prepare themselves for autumn;
can this city be our lost Istanbul?
Now clouds disintegrate in the darkness
as the street lights flicker
and the streets reek with rain.
You are indispensable, and yet you are absent ...

Love sometimes seems akin to terror:
a man tires suddenly at nightfall,
of living enslaved to the razor at his neck.
Sometimes he wrings his hands,
expunging other lives from his existence.
Sometimes whichever door he knocks
echoes back only heartache.

A screechy phonograph is playing in Fatih ...
a song about some Friday long ago.
I stop to listen from a vacant corner,
longing to bring you an untouched sky,
but time disintegrates in my hands.
Whatever I do, wherever I go,
you are indispensable, and yet you are absent ...

Are you the blue child of June?
Ah, no one knows you—no one knows!
Your deserted eyes are like distant freighters ...
perhaps you are boarding in Yesilköy?
Are you drenched there, shivering with the rain
that leaves you blind, beset, broken,
with wind-disheveled hair?

Whenever I think of life
seated at the wolves’ table,
shameless, yet without soiling our hands ...
Yes, whenever I think of life,
I begin with your name, defying the silence,
and your secret tides surge within me
making this voyage inevitable.
You are indispensable; how can you not know?

***

Original text:

Ben sana mecburum bilemezsin
Adini mih gibi aklimda tutuyorum
Büyüdükçe büyüyor gözlerin
Ben sana mecburum bilemezsin
Içimi seninle isitiyorum.
Agaçlar sonbahara hazirlaniyor
Bu sehir o eski Istanbul mudur
Karanlikta bulutlar parçalaniyor
Sokak lambalari birden yaniyor
Kaldirimlarda yagmur kokusu
Ben sana mecburum sen yoksun.

Sevmek kimi zaman rezilce korkuludur
Insan bir aksam üstü ansizin yorulur
Tutsak ustura agzinda yasamaktan
Kimi zaman ellerini kirar tutkusu
Bir kaç hayat çikarir yasamasindan
Hangi kapiyi çalsa kimi zaman
Arkasinda yalnizligin hinzir ugultusu

Fatih'te yoksul bir gramofon çaliyor
Eski zamanlardan bir cuma çaliyor
Durup köse basinda deliksiz dinlesem
Sana kullanilmamis bir gök getirsem
Haftalar ellerimde ufalaniyor
Ne yapsam  ne tutsam nereye gitsem
Ben sana mecburum sen yoksun.

Belki haziran  da mavi benekli çocuksun
Ah seni bilmiyor kimseler bilmiyor
Bir silep siziyor issiz gözlerinden
Belki Yesilköy'de uçaga biniyorsun
Bütün islanmissin tüylerin ürperiyor
Belki körsün kirilmissin telas içindesin
Kötü rüzgar saçlarini götürüyor

Ne vakit bir yasamak düsünsem
Bu kurtlar sofrasinda belki zor
Ayipsiz   fakat ellerimizi kirletmeden
Ne vakit bir yasamak düsünsem
Sus deyip adinla basliyorum
Içim sira kimildiyor gizli denizlerin
Hayir baska türlü olmayacak
Ben sana mecburum bilemezsin.

Keywords/Tags: Turkey, Turkish, Attila Ilhan, modern English translation

It's so easy to slip and fall
living recklessly
choices
so many temptations, making exceptions of ourselves, thinking just this time won't matter
Masters of our dreams that we are, looking for shortcuts to bliss
at a certain point we gain enough wisdom to understand the general direction of the path taken by each step
and still we do wrong
to climb takes purpose, conviction, courage, and faith
strength
we all are here together
on this Earth
we, this energy, individualized consciousness in one form
united in another
ascending
this deep strength inside, life
unshakeable, doubted, tested, proven, deluded, emerging
alignment with the path of light
beam like the sun
ego splits the spectrum, the colors taking each dimension of the self into realities,
dreams and nightmares
take it straight
give in to your happiness, give in to your despair, give in
create space for the feelings to flow
invite freedom and peace through honesty
face the truth, speak it, confess
then fly,
the darkness holds no power once given to the light
admit your fear, admit your perceived fault, admit, admit
its your self
love who you are
it may seem terrible
oh, how can anyone see this ugliness?
How can anyone see this wrongness?
How can anyone see this imperfection?
Vulnerability
We love you anyway, and we understand, its in our nature too, we can't help ourselves, oh wait we can
stop the excuses, they don't matter, and you know they weaken you
run run run run run run
grasping
controlling
making ourselves powerless through our story
STOP
be free
write a different song, with a new tune, where you succeed with
will POWER
do whatever it is right now, to make your self better, it could be just taking a breath, do the next thing, right now, alignment, forgiveness, what do you want? self destruction? its all leading you to the same place, the school of hard knocks? the revolving door of opportunity? leading to the escalator, down the hallway, into the door, and there you are, in this moment, fully awake to this feeling, that you are more than flesh, more than bone, more than material, more than thought, more than emotion, more than logic, more than the circumstance, more, and its all crashing together, and it seems unbearable, and you squirm, and you medicate, and you run, and you keep coming home, and routine, and work, and struggle, and succeed, and fail, and crash and burn, and build, and die, and live again, and love again, and destroy, and forgive, and say sorry, and the cosmos explode, and all the suns burn out, and the loop is endless, our choices we make now reverberate into eternity, ****, then we smile, and we laugh, because…..whatever….wait no….there was a glimpse, a space…a feeling…a moment…..of serenity…..peace is a pebble amongst the blinding storm…….pick it up….be friends…look in the mirror….see the pebble in your eye…….deeply, deeply stare……say I love you…….feel the love….the waves flow over your spirit……love is your spirit…..life is love……..we are love…….I love you

I wanna wisk you away to a Tropical Paradox
Run a Risk filled Forest Gump Chocolate Box

Wear your flip flops and your Crocs with Socks
We’re all in the matrix , so don’t give any Focks
Where if someone talks **** tell em to lick Rocks
Roosters tend to grow hard just like Fort Knocks

Soak up that Vitamin D while you ride for free
Try and hide those lies, while you Moisturize
Shampoo & condition me, with Pantene Pro V
Face mask your cries, with a Creamy Disguise

Throw me 21 salutes, I’ll catch them 22 times
Even a group of mutes, feel my spoken rhymes

there are days when there is no way
not even a chance
that i dare for even a second glance at the reflection of my body in the mirror and she knows why
like i know why she only cries when she feels she’s about to lose control
she knows how much control is worth
knows how much a woman can lose when her power to move
is taken away
by a grip so thick with hate it could clip the wings of god
send the next eight generations of your blood shaking
and tonight something inside me is breaking

my heart beating so deep beneath the sheets of pain
i could give every tear she’s crying a name
a year
and a face i’d forever erase if i could just like she would
for you
or me
but how free would any of us be if even a few forgot what too many women in this world cannot
and what the hell would you tell your daughter ?

your someday-daughter when you have to hold her beautiful face to the beat-up face of this place that hasn’t learned the meaning of
STOP
what would you tell you daughter
of the womb ***** empty ?
the eyes swollen shut , the gut too frightened to hold food
it was seven minutes of the worst kind of hell
seven

and she stopped believing in heaven
mistrust became her law , fear her bible , the only chance of survival
don’t trust any of them
bolt the doors to your home , iron-gate the windows , walking to the car alone , get the key in the lock .
please
please , please , please open
like already she can feel the five-fingered noose around her neck , two-hundred pounds of hate digging graves into the sacred soil of her flesh
please
please , please , please , please open
already she can hear the broken-record of the defense :
“ answer the question , answer the question , answer the question miss ”
why am i on trial for this ?
would you talk to your mother , your daughter , your sister like this ?
i am generations of mothers , daughters , sisters
our bodies battlefields , war zones beneath the weapons of your brothers’ hands
do you know they've found land mines in broken women’s souls ?
black holes in the parts of their hearts that once sang symphonies of creation as bright as the light on infinity’s halo ?

she said , i remember how love used to glow like glitter on my skin before he made his way in ,
now every touch feels like a sin that could crucify medusa .
bury me in a blue blanket so god doesn't know i’m a girl ,
cut off my curls ,
I want peace when i’m dead

her friend knocks at the door , it’s been three weeks , don’t you think it’s time you got out of bed ?
no.
the ceiling fan still feeling like his breath , i think i need just a few more days of rest
bruises on her knees from begging to forget
she’s heard stories of vietnam vets who can still feel the tingling of their amputated limbs
she’s wondering how many women are walking around this world still feeling the tingling of their amputated wings ,
remembering what it was to fly ,
to sing

tonight
she’s not wondering what she would tell her daughter
she knows what she would tell her daughter ,
she’d ask her what gods do you believe in?
i’ll build you temple of mirrors so you can see them
pick the brightest star you ever wished on and i’ll show the light in you that made that wish come true

tonight
she’s not asking what you would tell your daughter , she’s life deep in the hell , the slaughter
has already died a thousand deaths with every unsteady breath
a thousand graves in every pore of her flesh
and she knows the war’s not over ,
she knows there’s bleeding to come
knows she’s far from the only woman or girl trusting this world no more than the hands trust rusted barbed wire

she was whole before that night ,
believed in heaven before that night
and she knows she’s not only one , knows she won’t be the only one

tonight
she’s not asking
what you’re gonna tell your daughter ,
she’s asking what
you’re going to teach
your **son

yea ouroboros
a symbol of man's self destructive
drive

that's just how you see it
she says
bipolar

knocks me down
a few pegs
gets me off

i reply smokily
shut up *****
does she like that like some girls/boys
like the verbal abuse

we get slammed on whatever's around
chardonnay and those razor blades
(where do you buy those baby)
*** in our mix
really just another drug

i love you baby
she turns away

A mothers love is like nothing else in this world
they keep you safe, they love you till the end
you are a part of them

A mothers love knows no law
it knows no pity
her love will never leave you to be alone

A mothers love remorselessly knocks down all that stand in its path
they will protect you, for you are their soul
she will go though hell and back for you

if this is so..... then why do some leave
why are some mothers not there to protect,
to love,
to be there for you...

The moment he rejected you the first time
I saw a little part of you break
like the icicles in your eyes were melted with a self destructive hate fire
burning dangerously with the unrequited desire
for his love.
I want to tell you you're perfect.
On the times he moved closer to you at the lunch table
I saw the way your body stiffened
I could see the mental checklist being ticked
making sure you had the grocery list of the things that you wanted
the things you thought he needed.
I want to tell you you're perfect.
He fluttered your heart with his smile
making you realize that this spell he put you under isn't temporary
no matter how many times he knocks you down
you'll always go back for more.
I want to tell you you don't need him.
Where other girls want to undress him with their eyes
to see the chiseled swimmers body armor created from
years of waking up before sunlight
all you want is to strip the armor from his skin
to see if what lies underneath the charm
is really as soft and sweet as it is in your dreams.
I want to tell you he doesn't matter.
The day he asked out another girl in front of you
you tell me you need a friend
you say you don't even know how to stop crying
you say it hurt so bad
choking back tears is causing you to choke out that it's killing you
and it just kills me when you say that you feel so pointless
but you're infinitely perfect to me
so I make sure that you know how pointless he is too
and that if he can't even see through his glasses to realize how beautiful you are
then he might as well be as blind as a bat.
I want to tell you you're perfect.
even though you say your importance can be rationed out in teaspoons
I tell you that no amount of measuring cups could ever measure how much you mean to me
I want to tell you that your shine is like the one light in powerless city
gifting those in the dark with the wonders of your intelligence
and with the beauty of the way in which you look at the world
I want you to know that you're perfect.
I want to tell you I'm sorry.
I'm sorry for not noticing all the times that your lip was white beneath your teeth
or the way your eyes stung from the acidity of rejection
causing tears to form around the red insides of your eyelids
I'm sorry I wasn't there to wipe those tears off your face like I always promised I'd be.
I'm sorry for the time that you had to ask for me to listen
because the invisible rules written by love
in the book of friendship in my mind
say that you shouldn't have to ask for me to uncover my ears
they should always be open
and so should my arms
because that's what friends are for.
I want  to tell you you're perfect.
I want to tell you I'm sorry.
I want you to know that putting layers of make up on your face
makes him fall in love with a copy of every unoriginal
girl he's ever dated but you
my friend
you are not a copy
you are not unoriginal
you are a story
you are amazing
and you should never let your self feel like any less.

She says, "Chad, **** me hard."
She puts her hands on my shoulders and slips on to my *******.
She bangs herself while she thinks of me.
She knocks on my front door and disrobes in the entryway.
I cup her ******* with my hands as I **** her from behind.
Our rocking motion ebbs and flows.
I kiss her neck as she pulls back her hair.
My lips slowly go down her shoulders onto her chest and I taste her salty skin
We walk through a forest in daylight hand in hand.
We bicycle to a coffee shop together and sit down at a booth with our warm mugs.
Then I read this poem to her.
The words dance in her receivers, she says "thank you".
Then she walks away by herself
With her memory of us together.
Knowing we will meet again.

I don’t know how to tell you
that you make me fall in love
with being alive
so instead I’ll tell you
that since I met you I’ve found
beauty in a rainstorm
and sometimes at night
when I feel so close to giving up
because it would be easier than
missing you
I hold my breath and listen
as rain knocks on my bedroom window
and I’m reminded that the first time
you touched me
lightning coursed through my veins
and brought me back to life
like a kiss in a fairytale
you woke me up when I didn’t know
I was sleeping  

I don’t know how to tell you
that before you
I traveled three frames
behind everyone
as the world sped by
and words fell from lovers mouths
after they had already walked away
I struggled to catch up
with jumbled words
that tumbled through my trembling lips
but I was always too late
so I became mute to save myself
the heartache
and when you came along
I had forgotten how to speak
so I stayed silent
instead of admitting how much
you meant to me

I know that if I were lucky enough
to be heard by you again
I would tell you that I want you
in the most mundane ways
like Sunday mornings with iced coffee
and menthol kisses
—like listening to you sing in the shower
and watching your eyes light up as you laugh
I want summer evenings at the beach
bowling dates and early morning hikes—

I’ve never known how to tell you
that I will always take you for who you are
and what you’ve done
so I tried to show you through
good morning texts
and words of affirmation
but I need to stop assuming
you know what I mean
when I speak in metaphors
so I hope someday my words find you
and you’ll understand that for me
you were never a phase
and I can only dream
that you can still see the rainstorm
you unleashed inside of me
all those months ago

An earthquake trembles through me,
my hands shake as I imagine breaking down.
Sun is burning down on me,
my face breaking out in sweat.

The quake tumbles through my stomach,
until I feel sick and queasy.
An itch ventures across my body,
my shaky hands scratching everywhere.

A vicious wind knocks away my breath,
I try to gulp down the thick air.
My heart throbs in my chest,
like sore stubbed toe.

He says my name and extends his large hand,
I peer up under the shade of my bangs
like a scared child hiding from a giant.
It is time and I am still frightened.

We make our way into the back and he slams the door.
The room is filled with ****** spikes and skulls,
His skin turns red and black horns raise from his forehead.
He questions me then maniacally laughs at my answer.

That's the worst that could happen right?
"Are you ready for your interview?" the man asks patiently.
I smile big and fake some confidence,
"Of course!"

People talk about life like we are guaranteed something
Like we are expected to have something magical
RIP to Kiant'e
RIP to Jacob
Two people who lost the battle before they were even ready to start
My friends
Taken away like they did something wrong
We all know what's coming for us
But the news punches us in the stomach and knocks us down
As if we have no idea what death is
Why did they have to leave so soon
I understand if God was ready to take them
But we weren't ready to lose them
Have they done all they can do
We just have to push through
Life will keep going
Whether we choose to stop or not
We all feel this pain
Day by day everything changes without them
I feel guilty that I have a full life and they don't
I regret the moments I walked passed them
Said nothing
Didn't even smile
Stuck in my own head not thinking about time
**** time
I wish I could go back
But we know its not possible
I just hope they know I love them
I know they are resting easy
So I'll rest easy

Life,  needed be lived with legacy
For what they may see
Could be dust in the wind

Swept away, with a sheepish grin
Losing identity, too busy fitting in
Self-absorbed in an introverted mind

w a i t i n g, until the day you speak
Releasing thoughts, no tongue and cheek
That'll release you from your ruminating pain

There can be sun, even through the rain
You can make it out,  but one thing remain
There will always be more storms ahead

So get up, when the wind knocks you down
Don't ever settle, since they're always around
Storms will pass, but your life cant afford to

There will be those that do not hear,
Stay quiet, think strong, because they fear
The passion that reins from deep inside your heart

Speak strongly, and feel your inner words
Let them erupt through you, and push yourself forwards
And if you choke, just please remember

A legacy is remembered from the amount of storms you conquered.
Don't give up, pass hope on to those who hunger.
For the words of your experience, that'll build their perseverance

To mount a sail on their boat, so they may bend the winds that carry their legacies.

Why is life such a a meanie such a bully
There's no controlling it, it's so unruly
Some times it only gives me a ******, other times it knocks me to my knees
It just does what it please
But lately it's been knocking me out
What the **** is that all about
Life sure does need to stop this plight
That it has against my right
To be happy now and then
So I can at lest offer the world a grin
But I still have a furrowed brow
I wear the same old scowl
Because my life is such a bully
It's become so ******* unruly

Why is life such a a meanie such a bully
There's no controlling it, it's so unruly
Some times it only gives me a ******, other times it knocks me to my knees
It just does what it please
But lately it's been knocking me out
What the **** is that all about
Life sure does need to stop this plight
That it has against my right
To be happy now and then
So I can at lest offer the world a grin
But I still have a furrowed brow
I wear the same old scowl
Because my life is such a bully
It's become so ******* unruly

“Ladies and gentlemen,” his voice reverberates throughout the ballroom, “this last one is a personal favorite.”

As the music cues up, the young couple pulls away from the loud speakers and blinding stage lights, theirs bodies swaying from side to side as they dance slowly on the outskirts of the crowd.  They look deeply into each other’s eyes as the young girl wraps her arms around his neck to draw him nearer.  She sings along with Berlin softly into his ear,

“Watching I keep waiting still anticipating love
Never hesitating to become the fated ones
Turning and returning to some secret place to hide
Watching in slow motion as you turn to me and say

“Take my breath away...”

She draws back and smiles, “I love you, Chad Stoper.”  He says nothing, and she leans in for a kiss, pressing her lips against his.  Unresponsive to the warmth of her mouth, his lips are cold and flat.  Pulling back, she gazes upon his faded complexion.  

Frozen in time, his 4x6 glass prison is smeared by years of her kisses.  A sigh escapes her lips as she gently sets Chad back onto her nightstand next to the jagged stack of romance novels.  Quickly crossing the room, she presses rewind on her beloved “Prom 1987” mixed tape so that her ritual can begin without hesitation at 10:00PM again tomorrow.

She sneaks one last glance at Chad and giggles, “Oh, Chad – Stop it!  You shouldn’t stare at me like that.”  Red floods her cheeks as she bends over to pick up her watering can.  The smell of the stagnant water goes unnoticed, and she proceeds to water each of the plastic flower arrangements on her windowsill, a giggle escaping her lips with each miniscule tilt of the watering can.  “Oh, my babies… you’re growing so quickly!”  She bends forward to press her nose into the dust-covered petals, “And you even smell more mature.   I’m such a proud mommy!”

Her stomach suddenly growls, and she immediately sets down the watering can, sloshing water onto the stained carpet.  In moments, she has reached the refrigerator and reaches in to grab the last remaining hotdog out of its slimy package.  Leaning back against the kitchen sink, she knocks over the pile of mold-encrusted plates as her large arm reaches past to grab the can of spray cheese sitting on the counter.  

In a moment of ecstasy, she tilts back her head and empties the can of synthetic cheese into her mouth.  She foregoes swallowing, allowing the substance to encase her throat, another chin appearing as she opens her mouth even further to consume the cold, slimy intestine.  

Satisfied, she heads back to her bedroom, too focused on the aftertaste in her mouth to notice the cat litter accumulating on the bottom of her socks.  She glances at the romance novels sitting on her nightstand, the light reflecting off of the once-matte finish, now covered in a glossy mess of hotdog juice finger prints.  She pauses in a moment of consideration, looking from her novels to the ***** on the floor next to her bed.  

A yawn escapes her lips.

Tomorrow.  There’s always tomorrow.

She shuffles over to the bed, yanking out a ****** as she climbs on top of the covers.  

“Good night, Chad Stoper,” she looks one last time into his eyes, “I love you.”