I can already anticipate
the unfortunate this day will be
I can already feel
the blood plumbing

…and my motivation flunking

Can I still count? The fourth, the fifth?
how many have I had only this week
It has become so common,
part of my routine, part of me.

I ineffectivly look for excuses
such as the scorching heat
and the buzzing sounds
things I always blame, when my head starts to hurt

Might it only be an inside pain
manifesting in an outside suffering?
an accumulation of disturbed thoughts
hiding in the darker spots of my over-used mind

My usual cocktail of variate pills
the usual cooling pillow
none of them have any effect
increasing the dose has no point, no more

Is there a way of curing, this bearable pain
this a slight modesty
easy to ignore, a undesirable company
that never leaves.

A friend at the door, that you can feel
it’s presence and refuse to open the entrance
to your lovely home
but then it knocks, and it knocks

The awful sound of the loud
knocks that shimmer your head
Nothing is bearable, not living
not breathing,

The screams, the yelling
of the tickling pens
My hands can’t avoid the shake
my eyes lower, trying to close

Maybe the uninvited friend will leave
if the host is found in a deep sleep
But no, the knocks won’t leave me alone.
“Complaining you wanted company? here it is, take it”.

“Don’t complain, I will be forever by your side”
Oh yes, the irony of my wishes, turning back to me.
“You have things to do” my inside voice yells
“Remember, no time of pity, just finish your work “

“And then you might be able to sleep”
Another lie, that keeps me awake
another laugh of my subconscious mind,
knowing that I will fall apart but wondering why,

Will it be the headache caused by the torment
of my thoughts? Or will it be the lack of sleep
caused by an anxious mind and the pile of tedious work
that needs to be done.

Is this enough to break me down?
“Are you this weak” laughs the cause of every headache,
Your problems aren’t even problems,
Family, past and friends, what a teenage *****.

“You are just drowning yourself in a glass of water
helped by pills”. Capsules full of chemicals
in which I hope to find an answer to my inside pain.
Pain, maybe I don’t even know what pain really means.