Some days passion for my life is overfilling my bloodstream and spilling out of my mouth. Other days it licks at the valves and tendons in my heart, begging it to find the rhythm of the purpose it beats for. Most days I can pull myself out of bed. Most days when I'm done brushing my teeth & fixing my eyeliner I can paint a smile across my lips. Even if the stain of red comes from the blood that dropped like silky dew from my wrist as if to replace the tears my eyes can no longer cry. Some night I sleep as if I have never experienced pain or heartbreak. While other nights the thoughts that raced through my brain for hours would give you nightmares for nights to come. Most nights I can tell myself today was a good day. Most nights I can tidy up my house even if in reality I just want to smash it all before running away & honestly that scares me. But no matter what day/night I am having I have never and will never give up hope that I can be a better person. That I can be a better mom. That I have the ability to change myself. Sure. I can't always scream it from the hilltops and some days its just a whisper but I will be okay.
Im very proudly the best friend of a survivor.
Believe me when I met her I thought "who is this pompous Richy rich *****"
Then we met again when things had changed a little. When there were bigger things than what brand you wore.
When there was small feet growing inside of us and a fire burning in our soul.
This woman has changed me. She has reminded me what mental strength looks like. What it looks like to be "just a normal teen" when at home you are shattered and drowning. She listened to my "I have read baby center all night and I know it all now" rants and held me when I didn't think I could continue. We have gone months without talking to each other and called one another at 3am. She survived ****** assualt at a young age, she survived multiple abusive men, she survived her own inner demons and continues to do so everyday. As for me...Well I am her best friend. I am the one who is constantly checking in with her and adjusting myself to her needs. Why? Because I love her and I need her to be okay too. I am the one who sees redbull and breakfast sausage and smiles because I know her morning routine. I am the girl doubled over laughing with no makeup on in my ugliest PJs because she so innocently looked up from her phone and had no idea what I had just said. But watching her try to confidently tell me she heard me was the best thing I had seen all week. I am here for her. I am here for me. I am here for a lifelong friendship that means sometimes I don't always agree with her and sometimes we will get mad. But she is worth it. The girl I first met, the woman she has become, the woman she will find herself to be....That survivor....She's my best friend.
God where to start.
You single handedly made me feel like I was worthless. As if knocking me up was the biggest mistake of your life. You were quick to say he wasn't yours and yeah while there may have been some doubts they were all silenced when he came out a beautiful mixed little boy with your nose, chin and smile. Every day since his birth you have stressed me out. Made me angry. Made me resentful. You've never once acknowledged how I feel just brushed it under the rug with what I've done to you. However. I want to thank you. Because our child is the most beautiful thing I have ever done.
To my son.
This is me, apologizing.....
I apologize for all the bumps in the road. For the nights when I stayed up rocking you unsure of where we would sleep tomorrow.
I apologize that your daddy couldn't be there for your birth, he was there with me until I left for the hospital. Know that he is a good man who got caught up in the wrong woman.
I apologize for all of the times I lost my temper, I never wanted to be a screaming parent and I hope that when you read this you look back and think "but you rarely yelled".
I apologize for never feeling that I was a good mother, I hope that the way I felt about myself never affected your views of self worth.
Lastly I apologize for being just a kid myself trying to raise a better child, if I ever make you feel disappointed, disrespected, angry, or resentful I apologize. I love you with everything that I have... I am trying little bug.... Mommy is trying.
Falling in love with someone
Who loved you first is hard.
To see them look at you as if
You hung the stars in sky & wonder if
You could ever love them the same way. You see he fell in love with me
From the very start & he became
My closest friend, ally and supporter
The man who knew more about me
Then anybody else & who watched
As I tried to give my all to a boy
Who he knew would never value me.
When I finally stopped & accepted
The love he was already giving me
Our entire lives became a bit brighter.
He held his head a little higher now
& I felt a little safer knowing I am his
I fear those thoughts of doubt though
Those ones that may lead him to ask
If I settled for him.
To which the only response for him
I have to give is...
Not at all. He is the best thing I ever allowed myself to have.
He is everything I want in my future.
He was never a second option
He was simply an option I wasn't sure
I was deserving or ready for.
He is everything I could ever ask for
I know we will both grow to be
Better people together.
He fell in love first however
Together we fell in love every day now.
This is everything I wish I could say to you.
I am so happy that he has found you.
He calls you beautiful, funny and smart
I saw a photo of the two of you and I smiled through the tears because you both look happy.
Please always give him your all, be honest no matter how bad you ***** up, open your eyes and pay attention girl he is the most amazing, loving, thoughtful, annoying, crude, rude ******* you will ever meet and you wouldn't want him any other way.
To be honest I am jealous of things you get to do with him. The only thing I want my jealousy to be seen as is all the ways you should love him.
When you wake up to him asleep beside you please cherish these moments. Sometimes you'll wake up to him crying out beside you, please comfort him to the best of your abilities he needs you then.
When he brings you on adventures. Always follow him and take in where he is bringing you, you get to know a lot about a person by the places they can tell you about. Besides you'll never be lost. You may feel lost but know he will always safely get you home.
When you lay facing him before you fall asleep and you find yourself staring into his eyes.... Lord.... Please spend as much time as you can doing this. I'm not being rude by saying that you'll miss it the most but let's face it love no matter how strong doesn't always last forever. But just know that is the one place on this planet that truly feels like home.
When he takes time to come and see you even if it's not much always make each moment count. You don't yet know how lonely it is when you walk around and he's not there making the day just a little brighter.... I hope you never do.
Please you don't understand how dull life is without him. You don't know how lonely this city looks even in the middle of a crowd. How the simple things hurt the most and suddenly you are crying over a breakfast sandwich and orange juice because it used to be the second best part of the morning... So..Please love him, cherish him and know that he is the best part of your world. Don't let him go, life will never be the same once you do.
Oh.. While I'm being honest... I am head over heels in love with him. I miss him so badly it hurts to the core of my soul. I do not know how to unlove him or forget the memories I have with him because they are the best parts of me. I only want happiness for him. Please be part of his happiness. He deserves the best and if he sees you as such that's good enough for me. Love him girl... Please.
There are some things I want to say to you.
First off I will never ever make our child think less of you, no matter how your role in their life plays out. I will always tell them that their father is an amazing man. Ambitious, hard working, driven by his passions. I'll look at them with tears in my eyes as I rock them to sleep telling them all the reasons I love you. I will always make sure that our child doesn't feel abandoned. I understand I am a single mother. I have to rely on myself to raise this child and that's okay. Please know that while I may be some backwards farm town girl who runs around barefoot eating with my fingers I will be an amazing mother. One who will not be afraid to get messy. One who will pretend to be every super hero, cartoons character and farm animal there is. I will try my best to always make our child smile, but there will be days when I can't and I hope that when that day comes I'm strong enough to help hold some of their worries on my shoulders.
You see this child may be unplanned for however even as just a small raspberry in my stomach I refuse to ever think of this child as unwanted or unloved. My entire life revolves around what is best for my child now. That's okay.
So please just know. We will be alright. We will survive. We will always accept you into our lives.