A sunflower that blooms without the sun
A silhouette that lingers along the walls
Without a figure, eavesdropping, wanting for more
A sense of taste without bitterness, sweetness nor contentment
A presence that stood still amongst the crowd
A lost soul forgotten by the bus
Another day, sulking in resentment
A scent that was never there, just a person with a lonely heart
Waiting for comfort, until the day, they finally fall apart
A smile left hanging by a thread
A goodbye less, a long lost hug from a friend
Another half to fill the empty space between two arms
Fingertips that caress unmended scars
Faded, torn, unintended, absent, belittled, irrelevant
Another breathing human less
Another life, crushed and torn into shreds

n.j.

the rain taps his
drumming song
on my windshield
but even he cannot
drown out
the sound of your
absense

I always thought it would be you
We would sit on the sofa wrapped in each other's arms as we watched the ball drop
I would feel you lips on mine like the fireworks they always were
Welcoming in a new year
But here I am
Alone once more
Watching movies and writing poems about someone I no longer love
For not the first time in my life I wish soulmates existed
Maybe then I would have been spared
Maybe I would still believe in love
Maybe I would instead be filled with wishes instead of bitterness
Maybe I would still want a New Years Kiss

On Sundays I feel a little bit hungover
Last night I was drunk with the thought of you
Laying in your bed in your arms
The warmth spreading in my chest like alcohol
Positively dizzy with lust
Having to leave is like a premature walk of shame
I stumble like I'm lost
But I am far from ashamed

I wake up feeling like I'm still dreaming
I don't even know if I was or
I'm just replaying last night in my mind
In the shower I wash away the smell of your bedsheets,
clear lines dried on my skin that you traced
In the foggy mirror the passionate bruises are clouds
Pouring this need inside of me
And I feel like I'm overflowing, already falling

It can be hard to be alone
When I leave, I feel everything and nothing
I want to open the car door and run into the night
Clutch fist fulls of ice in both hands just to feel
I shiver within your absense
Because you were just right there
And it has effects like sudden withdraw
What I would give for a higher dose

Waiting is something I can't do
I'm eager and impatient and yours
The rest of the week I am moping
Practically ill with longing
Hoping the days will go quick
I am pathetic but truthful
I can't help but feel lovesick
While the world knows no cure

Smiles, pretty hair; glances, little stares,
You're not here, but you're everywhere.

In the moonlight I find you,
    as it lights up my night,
In the raindrops I feel you,
    as they bring me to life.
In your absense I see you,
    as the faces go by;
In the silence I hear you,
    as our song fills the sky.

You are everywhere and yet you are nowhere;
    You are the heart that I left behind somewhere.
You are my dream, my answered prayer;
    You are the pain that reminds me to care.

How is it that you find me every single night?
    When day is gone and visions clouds the light.
The silence overtakes me, forcing me to feel;
    The demons of memory provoke me to fight.
        The soul and it's descent,
                      your smiling little muse,
        The moment never fails
                      to bring me back to you.

Solitude of the night
where company
most dear

A choice to be in communion
with Angels
and Saints

The Divine Promise
fulfilled to whosoever
Separates from fellow Man

Beautiful darkness encloses once more
The smallest sound echoes, my tears falling to the floor
The shadows hide me from my fear of the light
And my tears show silver in the absense of my fright

The day wears on as the sun moves across the skies
Soon the night will come to silence all the lies
I only wish the day was shorter than my loving night
I seem to only live when the moon gives me life

I'm lost in my thoughts so I son't see the shadows fade
The sun sun has crept his way to the safety that I made
I look up in fright as the light shines in my eyes
But I don't melt or burn, nor do I feel myself die

Odd I think, that it doesn't steal my soul
In fact I think its warmth has made my spirit whole
I leave the whispers that sung only shadowed words
Because when I step into the light I feel music I've never heard

Echos expand the ice crystals in my mind
Coronas of galactic dust feed into my pupils
My eyes are moons leaking white fire
My heart explodes into a supernova for it cannot bear the things I did to you
The guilt kills the sun inside my chest
The guilt is Jupiter and my vision is a slave, for auspicious moons have not gravity to compete with astronomical planets
Here my limbs are constellations that drift from one another
Here my fingers bend into uncomprehendable wavelengths
Here I float, empty, into space.
When I saw  what could have been
what would have been
and what is now
I became an Earthen Absense.

as you draw the value of rivers
and the fickle nature of clouds
and the real gift of sacrifice
from my favorite book,
i gaze down at the ghostly veins
in this loving cabbage palm,
and wonder how brown ale and stew
is the height of the day
and when it's enough
and how.

******

by a journey north
i make all my old feelings
warm and alert

i remember supposing
my love was covered in frost
at the foot of my favorite spruce trees
gathering pins and needles

i know i fall for those of no sitting
and those spurned by silent blessings

my deepest vaults have safe spots-
difficult to find-
easy to alight-
surprised when beheld-

all chambers listen.

the only thing keeping me fast
is that car and those country roads

this fastens me to your existence
as i note your remarkable motion to
the growing world,
nourishing religion,
and your experienced hands

how does a straightaway of field
bring me to this loss?

the car is the only, holding me fast
to my hopes battling inevitable sadness
towards the unknown glides of our paths

i run far ahead
because i want to see this future
in front
moving past
falling back

*******

even over few solemn days
i want to know how you could leave me here
wrapped in ribbons of resplendent desire
and worried stutters

the only unusuality about your silence
is its absence
                                                         ­                                                         (likely misunderstood)
and such an absense is not voiceless -
simply careless no-speak -
neither sound nor kind listening
is present in this kind of brooding

where are the flowing rivers of your words
if not through the dark caverns in me?
who else has been trading softness with you?

more often have i gripped the hard glass,
the steering wheel,
the stiff drink.

was there a glimpse into shocked discontent
granting you sudden power to retract
from all my easy benevolence?

the trouble is this -
though you've been sweetly resistant,
i've never professed hot beckoning until now

*********

when i turn into the sweetness of sick sheets
and your sleeping hands
i breathe in all the dew on your chest
and smile
realizing
i'm the idiot
waiting

Baby it's crazy because even when you are away I know you are here

I feel your kiss every time the wind blows

I hear your laugh in the bustling of the leaves

I embrace your warm touch in every sun ray that caresses my skin

And when the beautiful sun sets, I know it is you smiling at me before you close your eyes to go to sleep

And when the moon rise and night falls,
your love shines brightest during the darkest hours

When I look up at the stars I know the two brightest are your eyes looking up at me as you wake up in the middle of the night to remind me that you adore me

I pull you closer into me
Your head on my chest
My arms wrapped around you

As I close my eyes and drift into a deep sleep, I hear you breathing in the silence

Then finally we are reunited in my dreams

How dreadful to see
Those that I cannot read.
All over the latest feed.

Not poetry,
Like puppetry.
A repetition of words, numbers, and symbols that aren't clever in the least.
And users with names
In impossible tongues.
Their gibberish reeks!

Line after line,
All the same, it's uncared for.
They write marriage, black magic, and European countries.

It's daily infinity,
Thieving the spaces from more thoughtful writing.
Shall I fight just to see the absense of these;
And say hello only to real poetry.

I never phantomed that highs could end
That the euphoric smoke that clung to my soul could simply be blown away by the absence of your kiss

I never phantomed that ghosts were behind me, waiting until my heart was vacant so they could inhabit, this happened because of the absence of your gaze

I never phantomed that my chest could feel this heavy,as though stones found themselves ashore and crawled in while I slumbered, this was because of the absence of your touch

I never phantomed that my light could be dimmed, that I the brightest star in the sky could suddenly become the least favourite amongst the gods because of the absence of you

And so I wait, a cast out star,worn out, tired and dimmed my glow taken and my hands astretched, for you whose absence meant the end of my reign in heaven and the end of who I am

You are that absense,
Which couldn’t be fulfilled
With someone else’s presense.

You will feel the space
between sounds,
between your fingers
and your faces,

it will hurt your ears
to communicate
any desire to touch,
to see, to hear,

and when you taste
their absense,
it will become far too easy
to long for their perfume
on your pillows.

I've been outside before.
And never thought much more.
Tonight it's perfect out.
I sat on the deck beer in hand.
Out here on my chest.
your head used to land.

My dog he's cute he's quite the treat.
But the absense of you is apparently sweet.
Not at all Ive just lied.
Im miserable deep down.
Not at all if i just died.

For she used to sit just in this spot.
Peaceful and perfect.
How is it that I could have forgot.

Through the glass my memories perspective.
I was on the inside...
I thought I had all the time in the world.
I should have been more bold.

Ironic and melancholy my thoughts betray.
Right here where she were.
For now here I'll stay.

head spinning, it hurts like it shouldn't that i think what i couldnt when things were begining and you were winning me over, wouldnt it be nice if we could toss the dice and mimic the devices that left us on our knees, fast forward to the ever elusive striaghtforward tease ive become, not in your absense, but from things left undone, words left unsaid hide behind nostolgia that eats away and craves attention in my head, growing with every shared breath in your bed, you think i'm talking about *** and the haunting ghosts of longing thats causing my stalling, preventing the steps i might take in softening the brown eyed mourning, little white lies storming off my mouth because i would hate for you know i love you, not because i ****** you, because i know your dad drives a red truck and survives with you deprived from his life , because i know your mom shoots up in cheers to disputes in your familys broken roots, because everytime i see you i forget everything.

Kissing in the rain, while jumping through the puddles
Broken feeling pain, remembering the cuddles
Will it ever end, all things have come to pass
But with my far off absense, I fear it may as well last.

Off and away, a stranger, a freak
Sorry to say, you still make my day
just as easily break it, break me
It's good, I need to be broken.
It's the only way to begin to fix.

So look at me with your crystalline eyes,
I'll pet your head I'll scratch your thighs
But no, it's not you, it's my dog.
She's the greatest.

So while you'll read this, maybe not as aware as I,
You'll see I have no sense, But the poem does.
I may gaze, I may cry, I may laugh, I promise.
I won't die.

So find the good, find the great
Find something to appreciate,
at times it's hard, and I feel so numb, and cold
I've only got one thing left to say.
It's only you for my heart has been sold.

We're a world and generation set on depersonalization
Where everything is on social media but everyone is scared to socialize.
We all promise we "just need to vent" but is it venting or is it depression?
"He loves me, he's just tired. Its not abuse, she's just tired. I'm not okay, I'm really tired."
We all need to stop and chill without the help of benadryl.
But we need the drugs to feel normal.
A normal that they tell us to be
on the covers of our magazine
When we are all medicated to achieve the status quo
We can't learn from our mistakes if we can't remember them.
Instead of dealing with the guilt,
we soak in a bath as if the lavender suds will rinse away our ****** personality
We do it nightly and call it self care.
And the self care we really need is lunch that isn't Oreos and to join therapy.
We fill the empty hole inside of us with cigarettes and ***** and food
And we don't even know we're empty because our parents are empty too
And the only ones who can recognize the absense
Are the same ones telling us to work harder to buy our first house and car before the age of 25
When really, we haven't even settled on what we want to be when we grow up
Our grandparents and parents beg us to have babies because "I'm not getting any younger."
But I'm quickly getting older Dad, so shut up and let me drink until I pass out without worrying about how much my child will have to heal from, just like I'm healing now with Bacardi 151.
Its a cycle and there's no handle bars
Celebrities writing songs and movies, a fill-in-the-blank series that mimics a horoscope
To drag in the masses with feelings of unity when really we have no idea what our brother went through when we were laying on our uncle's bed at midnight at 5 years old.
They want us to be the same except for when its not convenient, and suddenly the children of rich people are to be scorned but they hate the black people who hate the black rich people
And its another cycle, the chain popped off and the brakes are our feet
Just like when we were kids except now we have no shoes on and we are rolling down a hill that stops at a lake
And our empty parents forgot to teach us how to swim.
Its 2019 now, when will  America be great in the first place?

Note to you: The rythymn-in-strument strums in stone geo-time.
To the drummers,
dis-passio ey okeh,
woodwinds dim-
inuendo
oboe join in mit piccolo on the hummingbird whistles
simulating
Breezes, in the shade of a great rock,

real life rock, granite composed of not so tiny grains
of ground up uther utter star-stuff, side-
real asif intended for goodness
sake.

otherwise, how petrified I'd be come imagining the forming
of the
very
foundation of my life, as I know it,

it is un-believable, therefore
no lie,
if
the riddle arrives after ever begins

and, word has it, dear reader,
may
is your word now.
You may believe anything you wish,
with no
un-intended after math, after ever
began

Do you recall...
youth full quests completed alone?

Quests, Johnny Quest, Future Quest V.B.S.

believers, true believers being formed from childish hopes,
manifesting in grown liars stricken with

hidden child sym-drone
in the middle of booming thirty-something phase when
pressure
starts storing all the old stories,

building energy for the seventh decade fracture/crushing

blow
sh
soft blow breeze of free and easy musing re
songing a reason to belief
in
even in
a realm where lies never die.

Recall the old days, balance
bubbles and crossed hairs and roads
...
Balance factors, bubble balancing lead weight,
deligate
the Whole Earth Catalogue
as
tipping-point
balanced by the weight of the roof on Notre Dame being
melted along with the rest of the Greenland Ice sheet,

so superman eyes in our skies can see to the bedrock on
which the

Principle Thing
spins
---
The root of evil has reached this point

this is after all that. Time-wise, in the arrow scenario.

Fair tales always win, sh'eros live for your examined life'sake

--- ranting old men come running down stairs
--- the hidden child has arrived

The golden headed child, meek and cold
locked
in buried treasure

chests opened one last time for quadrupal by-pass

--- He's a donor
--- givem awish foundation
--- make this sacred

Mi-da's, well, he wished again,

he wished he lived in inter-sting times entertainment-wise

inward touching times imagined
in the addled golden child
Adler
brought to life in a virtual, al-most verifiable asnot art,
but not

very-fi-able, semper-fi-wise, if you

swore the oath. (It's a game, right, now game vows link for
in of by logic gated
Jungian
mazes, do they? Amazing.  ) See,

from above, as below, pretend you know

all things, you can imagine

in my bubble, in the absolute absense of your
at-most-fear

let. that act do. let us, the objective aspect of we,
the people who hold those famed

troothz, verities of any examind re-ality-ifity-isms

self-evidence for we

be letting be, believe me, that's no lie, you can doit, you can, you can
I imagine

and I accept we may mean more to me than thee,
however now
hapt, in qualia quantumical if-I-ability
entangled meanings
link us through
my-silly-um,

Disney-fictionation endo-crenalation, --||T|>>>--->
times half
formed
Crea-nullated castle
wall
link that sparked the aitia ifiabe
first caused
fall from the well
on the mountain

jack fell downbroke his crown
jillcame
tumbling after bling bling bling

--- the sorcerors's apprentice was fired
--- they found errors in his
--- sin-tax

We can forgive such over-sight.
Blame the mycelum clan

or,
better yet,
blame the clay eaters, no,
the clay wearers?

the clay bher-ers?
Ah, the clay bakers, fersher? Nae?

The clay, perse?
The dust we shuffle as we dance atop the stone?
The way of the rolling stone,
grinding, rolling-downhill-stone,
the stone rolled away,

the stone of the sysiphus-seen-hap-iuna
cult?

Blowing in the wind, lifted higher

Ax d'maji-yo, he know. 'Zeke 17, seven with a caballero v,
y'know,
callit Macaronic be-bop

dodat, yankee doodle morph t' resound,
like poetry
slams

at the gates
no enemey ever breached. The key truth, is that,

believe it, if you think you may.

Gosh

this is one of her favorite words
and everytime I hear her say this
the sweet sounds of soft song birds
comes into my scattered mind

just a simple girl  hard working
never asks for much, maybe a kiss
behind a curtain I stand lurking
her scent mesmerizing I find

sweet cherry blossoms, in full bloom
that is the taste of her lips too
petals strewn about the room
her face is in my mind, in everything I do

the more I know about her mind
the more I want to learn, it's true
tried stepping off to the side, away
and sadness colors my world blue

I cannot stand to be out of touch
absense makes my heart grow fonder
I need her presense, sometimes too much
daydream of her, my thoughts, they wander

since this angel landed in my world
time has come to a sudden stop
but if you would meet this beautiful girl
I guarantee your jaw would drop

so gosh be ****, and gosh be ******
I love this girl more than a little
she makes me laugh, she makes me smile
for a kiss from her, gosh I'd walk a mile

Gomer LePoet...

This burning inside my chest
is to much for me to take
I can feel my heart beating
hagard
My lungs weeze
From trying to breath
through the pain
my ribs crack
under the pressure
from holding in the sobs
My throat twiches
from the effort to
hold in the words
My heart is braking from the
Absense from you

She counted time not,
In hours or even days
But in stollen moments
Glances, caught
From loving eyes
Graceful touches,
Deemed "sins"
The wife of a beast,
Daughter of a merchant
She, the sold wares
Counting not, the hours of absense
But time gauged in wishes,
Her scarlet letter, blackened
Worn over her breast
Scars hidden,
Beneath fine clothes
She wears the jewels given her,
To blind onlookers
To the cloaking darkness,
That covers her soul

Baby, as ancient as you are
your naivety worries me,
or is it my own? Thinking I
could ever have you again.
Oh but how I wish, pray, on knees
again to set eyes upon glory
of man named Antonio Guadi,
his Sagrada De Familia.
Is he finished with you yet?
Will he ever be? Would I want it so?
Artisans carving sanctity to sky,
what have you chisseled in my absense? Is God's work ever done?
Do, continue on forever, give me
chance to return.

Ah to bask on shore of San Sebastian,
with pollished rellics of former
architecture found in his beaten grains.
I long to melt there once more, in awe of
noon on Mediterranian Sea. My eyes
taking witness to painted Catalonian
women, *******, with holy devotion
dipping faithful fingers into your
waters, and signing the cross before
dipping into blueness. Good Catholic
girls they are. And handsome Gods about,
oiling each other and bearing wittness
as well. The ice cream boy, is he
grown now? Does he walk by open
mouthed still, where we left such
imprint in the sand for all to see?

When? If, I arrive again, will we walk
Las Ramblas, stare at human
statues, dance with gypsies, drink
Absinthe and be taken by spell of
Green Fairy? Will we then not care
that pretty pick-pockets rob us
blind? Oh, for the hallucinatory
love of it all! Hold me in your fortress
walls forever, should I ever, return.

My Barcelona Baby, take me back.

PJ Poesy

p.s. I never left you.

Please excuse the hole in the wall
With exposed drywall and 2x4s
And my bleeding bruised hand
The ****** bandages in the trash
I was angry and couldn't hold it in

Please excuse the blood on the floor
As it drips from my fingertips
From the lines I carved
Deep into my writsts
I just wanted to feel again

Please excuse the difference of appearance
I cut off my hair and colored it again
Threw out all my clothes
Tried out a new look
I didn't want to be me anymore

Please excuse the absense of me
I don't laugh at your jokes
The smiles not in my eyes
Barely able to say a word
I lost myself to the pain

Please excuse me
I can't take it anymore

Feeling the hole
The piece missing
All that is known is
Something not there
Absence strikes deep
Hurts all the more
The longer it lasts
One cannot accept
What is not there
Cannot lose
Without a finish line
Nothingness is ongoing
Emptiness is searching
Absence is infinite

Chilly, dark nights and falling leaves
Pouring rain and humid, hot nights
Pitch black nights, busy streets and vivid lights
Salt-scented air, roaring waves and sandy beaches
Cloudy, quiet days and gray skies
Windy atmospheres, fresh air, and swaying tees
Cold mornings start early, at dawn
White, snowy paths with only your pair of footprints in a hidden, white-covered world
Those times where you seem invisible in an overly-crowded place, but instead you're the one everyone sees
Staring past people's stares and unintentionally into others' eyes
Waiting, exhausted, trying to stay awake, anything but yawn
Seeing two, screaming inside that it's not fair
Covering my face with my hands, refusing to look, saying they're so lucky
Always on my mind, and seeing 2, feeling mocked
Everywhere I go, I want to scream louder
Heart aches, I only want to see one 2
Wondering, but not far enough
Obliged to seem happy, but inside, it's killing
They say the ones that care most about you is your family
I don't want that to be true
No one knows that I'm always fighting
The absense is destroying
No one can take another's place
Laying down in my cold room, cars pass by, illuminating, and then, creating shadows
Writing, just letters on a page, trying to find recognition

i swallowed a butterfly,
to see what it's like to fall in love
she readily confided in me
"my love, your heart will find an escape
unanticipated, unforeseen
wrapped in a tight embrace
side by side, one content soul
lifetimes before, you suffered
infected with lies, deceits, and cheats
but you have a pretty, scarred heart
but i promise, you'll quietly be cured."

since then, i've invited that butterfly in...

i swallowed a butterfly,
to see what it's like to fall in love
she acts up, in the middle of the day
diving, from shoulder to hip
breathlessly, twisting up my lungs
fluttering wings, at any given moment
she recognizes your name
and surely your voice
she reminds me of your presence
and she too, longs for your absense

since then, i've invited that butterfly in...

i swallowed a butterfly,
to see what it's like to fall in love
and greedily treated myself to more
so you could find them with your touch
her wings are quicker than i imagined
chilling the weak spots on my neck
cradling words that hopefully suffice
caressing moments that make me smile
still...

since then, i've invited that butterfly in...

This time - things change.
Perhaps change isn't the correct word...they vanish.
The sins and errors: no more.
The tears and pain: non-existant.

You, i do not deserve.
Nevertheless, need you.
And no...to let you go is never, never has been
and never will be, even an option.

To the others i will talk  no more.
The others i will see no more.
There wasn't any others...
Just the curiosity of my inhibitions.

**** that human urge!
Oh, **** that human nature!
For sorrier I have never been and the words said now
Are as real as the air we breath.
    
Thus.
Here i sit, in this lonesome place.

Full of ignorant people who stare at me and feel pity.
Pity! Ha. Not even sympathy.

Yet here i sit.
Writting words that to you, have no meaning.
But here i sit
...still writting
...still grieving.

Thinking of what to say -
only if there was anything to say.
Thinking of what to do -
only if there was anything to do.
Thinking of us -
only if there was any 'us'.

Everything becomes insignificant
if not of yours.
Everything is now nothing.
But what is nothing?
The absense of everything.
And everything?
- is you.
    
To live on with my life. Impossible.
To act like this doesn't affect me. Impossible.
To let you walk away in pain. Impossible.
To hurt you once more. Impossible.
To listen to the so-called advice. Impossible.
To laugh at the most probable ending. Impossible.
To not love you?
That too, impossible is.

Thus.

Here I stand.
In front of you i will place myself.
My eyes will stare into yours and
(though i'm probably confusing reality with my own fantasy)
in loyalty and bliss we will prevail.

The love will overstep human instincts.
For what we have isn't human
- it's godly.
    
So here.
    
One more written promise.
Only this time there isn't a third person to influence.
Only this time, though capable of sharing,
to myself i keep.

The start of a new beginning - if you will.

Because as hard as you may try
to stare at me with disgust and anger,
it's as how much it is visible in your eyes
that you want this 'game' to end as much as i do.

For i still see the love -
and the possible forgiveness.
For i still see
the hope.
    
True love doesn't vanish into thin air.
It doesn't vanish because of the errors.
As much as you may want to escape from it -
it stays.

And it only grows.
    
I'm deeply sorry you had to pick the one
that only learns the hardest of ways.
But she does love you.

That - has never been a lie.
It is as much as a lesson to me
as it is to you.

And ever since that dark Wednesday
Your kiss is flat and empty
Maybe you'll never be coming back
Maybe you'll never come to save me

I am constantly reminded of you sourly-choiced absense
And I will not forget
The feeling I would get with one kiss

And every night
And every day
I dream about our past
Why can't these demons let me go to sleep?
Why can't you come back to save me?

Black is the absence of color
And black is me.
Not literally, but
My soul is
Nonexistent because
It's black.
And black is the
Absense of color.

under the
white shade
of the moon
our pale limbs
are tangled
with white sheets
in an absense
of colour

yet you give
hue to my
pale night

i am a 
dizzying light
shade of 
asphyxiation
purple

my neck 
stained with
the dark
blue and
violet rings
you have
left

unending 
scratchmarks
of pink
littered all
over my back

and you
bite my lips
leaving a
****** red
stain on
my pale
mouth

i may be
dull and
lacking of
shade but
darling,
you have
coloured me

I was too busy dealing with everything else
To realize you were a crisis
So I swiftly
And utterly too efficiently
(With a practiced hand, no less)
Swept you away
Today
(Far too little, far too late)
I sat down to breathe
And the crushing blow
(The almost crippling loss)
Of your absense
Hit
In the morning, I'll resume life
At top speed, no doubt
(Which you resented for its- my- rigidity)
But for tonight
I'll sit still with you
(Isn't that what you wanted anyway?)