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Caitlin Aug 2019
You call yourself an island boy
Though you've barely left the shore.
Still, I can see the resemblance
Because your eyes shine like stars on the water
And you're as steadfast as the cliffs
Buffeted by heaving tides.
Your arms are as warm as the summer sand
And I forget to breath when I watch you sleep
So I feel the peace of drowning
As I'm pulled into the depths of utter devotion
To you.
Happy eighth anniversery honey. I love you.
Caitlin Jul 2019
I'd like to be haunted so I'm never alone
I talk to my demons because no one is home.
I look in the mirror and I want to break it
Because I see my body, and ****, I hate it.
When I was a child, I'd dream of my future
But the heat death is coming, so what does it matter?
The pictures on the walls show a pretty little lie,
Because little me was smiling but she still wanted to die.
I'm friends with my depression because it's not gonna leave me
Anxiety is my companion because it's only here when I'm breathing.
I'm tired okay? I need a **** break
Because I can't cry anymore
And ****, I feel fake.
Little Susy had it worse and she's a thriving mom now.
But I can't seem to cope, if you know, tell me how.
Why does my chest seize up when I'm alone
When the silence fills the room
Why does my brain feel the need to talk amidst the hush,
And I pray my husband is home soon.
Because being alone with myself is terrifying
With all the **** in my head.
Because when I'm alone, it's easier to hear
My brain say I'd be better dead.
Suicide Hotline

Call 1-800-273-8255
Available 24 hours everyday
Caitlin May 2019
I have so many thoughts in my head
but none of them actually make sense.
Well, that's not true either.
But I can't figure out the order they go in.
I'm trying to be better.
To love myself harder.
I sing in the shower
and dance in the mirror
but only when its still fogged up.
I smile more in my pictures
and I don't delete the ones in my husband's phone.
I'm making little steps
to falling in love with myself
which is a lot of effort
when I can barely walk as it is.
I try not to hate myself when I break
and binge eat again
but its really hard not to
when I know that I won't eat again for a few days.
And I know its a problem,
and I don't know how to fix it.
I'm just trying to love myself through it.
Caitlin May 2019
Please love me when I’m crying
because I’m angry or I’m sad.
Love me when I’m drinking,
when my emotions drive you mad.
Love me when I’m ranting
pacing across the floor
Love me when I’m running
and trying to lock the door.
Love me when I’m seeing
ghosts from a troubled past.
Love me when I’m fighting
when I’m breathing hard and fast.
Love me when I’m broken,
when my body’s giving up.
Love me when I’m drained
but still pour from an empty cup.
They say that you have to love yourself
despite society's dictation and lies,
before you can ever love someone else,
and that your partner is the prize.
But I can’t stand my rolls and curves
or my brain that seems black as coal.
So love me when I’m falling apart,
even when I’m never whole.
Please love me like we promised
don’t hide me on a shelf.
Please love me more than I
could ever hate myself.
For my wonderful husband.
I will never deserve you.
Caitlin May 2019
It won't hurt like this forever.
One day, you'll wake up,
and the pain won't take your breath away.
You won't fear the coming day
that you have to do alone
and before you did it together.
And you'll pass their picture in the hallway
or the shoes you still can't throw out
or the cinnamon candies that you never liked
but that you'd give anything to smell on his breath,
you'll pass and look at them fondly
and you'll swear you can feel their arms around you
just for a second.
And it won't hurt so much when the feeling passes.
People will stop looking at you with pity,
and you'll enjoy lunches with friends again.
You'll all laugh as if nothing ever happened.
But the empty chair beside you
will be a testament that you just can't shake
although you'd never try anyway.
The pain you have and harbor
is proof that you loved
and lost
but loved, all the same.
It will never stop hurting
but you'll embrace the pain.
For my cousin Kristy
Caitlin Apr 2019
The book that I was raised on
said we killed You today.
That it took three days
and You rose again.
I believed it.
I still do.
But it says You're always with us.
And honestly.
I'm starting to wonder
Caitlin Apr 2019
Don't forget to take your medicine.
its pills that have the serotonin
that our brain forgot to make.
But sometimes,
our medicine
is hot showers after a good cry.
its remembering that there are dogs that haven't been pet yet.
it waking up early in the morning
and drinking a cup of hot coco
while sitting in the quiet.
its putting on a robe
that just came out of the dryer.
So yeah.
Don't forget to take your medicine.
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