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winter Oct 2018
The words have been getting stuck in my throat.
Maybe its the timing as I keep myself afloat
or I’m losing my taste for the sugarcoat.
I haven’t seen myself around
As I keep my face toward the ground
But surely not all of my emotions have drowned.
You see, the bags under my eyes
Have been a perfect disguise
Because I'm not working myself to my demise,
No, I’ve been withering away
Curled up to do nothing but decay
As I pretend there is nothing beyond my doorway.
For some reason, my mind is denying
That my responsibilities have any bearing
on my overall wellbeing
When, really, I know better but
It like my mind decided my kismet
And any real rationale went into the toilet.
My actions have only been half finished.
I move towards something but then it has vanished.
And I can't even remember what I hoped to accomplish.
I know I had hopes and dreams
But now it really just seems
Like I can only see daydreams
The words aren’t just stuck in my throat
They just don't exist.
There are no words to describe this
Emptiness.
please give me attention.
winter Nov 2015
i had never waited for those things
i always felt like i was falling without wings
i dont properly remember a time
when i hadnt been compelled to rhyme

i have always been waiting
my head just aching
i dont really know what it feels like
not to be waiting for a strike
winter Nov 2015
help me slow down,
i dont want drown,
not yet.

i am not ready,
i must stay steady,
let go.

life must go on,
i will see the dawn,
later.

others must know,
i wont stop the flow,
let it be.

help me stay,
for one more day,
i will live.
you can make it.
winter Nov 2015
sometimes the feelings
(those lonely and somber dealings)
just make it seem like i am dreaming

the sky floats all around us
(making us look so superfluous)
and it twists around in our guts

we tell ourselves to stay strong
(not without wrong)
but really we are just stuck in a pretty song
i cant seem to get anything done.
winter Nov 2015
How, do I love thee?

Why, nothing more and nothing less than the cool winters eve.

Nothing less than the sunset colored leaves that hath lied on the newly forsaken ground.

Nothing more than the perfect blue sky that hath yet to call hither the waning clouds of storm.

And yet; thou ask again; how do I love thee?

And this time, I freely answer, words soft in a forgotten mouth,

‘I love thee as I love a strong spring day and an easy winters' morn.

I love thee as though thee art the rarest thing in the world.’
inspired by Shakespeare, written by someone who has never been in love.
winter Nov 2015
i have been told
that i will grow old
and the world will look different.

but when i was small,
and not myself at all,
the world was very much the same.

it must be that variety
that so shook society
and shocked all those watching.

the little one-by-one changes
and lopsided ranges
that help each young world to keep spinning

the insignificance of some
must influence the outcome
into the pathways of all

each planet will live
and all rest will forgive
and any different will cease to exist
winter Dec 2015
blackness behind my eyes,
inconsolable beneath dark skies.
stars fight to be able to rise
next to the most obvious lies,
and the sadness of loosening ties
takes hold when my voice dies.
the moon may have lower highs
but what she lacks in size
she makes up for in allies.
now everyone refuses to compromise
the clock ticks its surprise
this downhill tumble won’t beat sunrise.
all know that looking into the sun is unwise
so lets go back and revise
what would have been our demise.
winter Sep 2016
when have such tendrils of terrors
had such a strong and everlasting grip?
for as i stretch there is not strain but
i feel the bruises of the past days
as they only remind me of
the places I can no longer go

the reach of the mares
horrify the ones that have no experience
no matter their years
will feel the way some fingers crunch
delicate bones may bleed strength
into those who run into the grasp of the lost

i have not thought in such a long time.
the arms of my mind have not since been feeling
such as the numbness that takes over my mind
only allowing for a lose for any of these around me
i don’t think i want to be such a black hole
hiding my misery only makes the depths
all that more eminent

i was not that sure what all the others see
but i know in my wholeness that i can only
use my own eyes for such a burdening task
they may not see my sadness,
but any and all calls for help will be veiled
sometimes thinly and sometimes
under such a thick swimming smile

the branches of hope at the back of many minds
may have been living for such a long time
that i no longer see them reaching for me
but reaching for others as i lose my will
to be able to notice their bodies
and their angles within such an effortless and unforgiving planet
their grasp will not be lost to them no matter the meaning to me
this is totally still in the editing process but ive been wanting to post something for a while. ive also just been having a really bad time lately and needed to get it out of my system.
winter Nov 2017
You paint flowering tattoos
over your regretted scars
As you appeal to repent
And you reject your last muse

I know you can hear it
Screaming not to go away
But there is another pull
That makes you a hypocrite

You drag your useless body
Toward a faux sun that doesn’t burn
Leading you into a trap
That no one would see clearly

Perhaps your blood won’t flow
But there is a brokenness there
Which acts as a barrier
To seal your soul far below

The marks on your body flare
Into a focused beacon
Drawing the wrong attention
And show your lively despair

Delicacies on your skin
Brought to you by the unknown
When you thought your strength was lost
so; take hold of power within

Yet still you cast them away
the safety of the shadows
Can’t begin to help you now
The muse is not bound to obey

So lift yourself together
As one can’t hope to exist
Separate from mind or body
And use your scars as your tether

Under a genuine star
You will find solace within
As your soul begins to blend
you will find out who you are
im really bad at metering guys. i can try tho. also the only reason i know im in a depressive episode is becasue im posting here again and im not sure if i should be happy about posing again or worried. oh well i guess
winter Nov 2015
i must leave the world
before my meaning is unfurled

i must never taint the holy
or let anyone else sink as lowly

i must never begin
what will only end in sin

i must master
how to die faster

i must never disappoint
but i have arrived at a breaking point

the world must never know
that i love it so
winter Sep 2017
hello, all
I'd like to make a call
to action.

some things have gone wrong
as I've drifted along
to here

and now I'm more alone
and my mine is trying to atone
for my father's sins.

I am beyond frustrated
even more cheated
on my mother's behalf.

she said to me
"more than one disappointment and promise me,
you will flee"

theres no other ploy
that will better destroy
your life."

I know this is the truth
even as I grasp the last of my youth
I've seen it.

I wish I could do more
but my mother has her own armor.
she will be okay.

so, always put yourself first
and don't be cursed
to just survive.

live.
my dad's a ******* ******* and im only making it worse. anyways whats up guys im in college now
winter Nov 2015
my lifeline may be invisible
or maybe less than tangible
but it is the most mythical and magical
thing to ever be available
and to me it is invincible
this doesn't make much sense on paper, but i know what i mean
winter Dec 2015
bones creaking,
thoughts creeping
from the back my mind
and take form in the shadows.
my thoughts seem to be leaking.

I have a castle
in my mind
which has turned me blind.
dark corners
occupied with foreigners.

these evil creatures walk free
torturing me;
protection is seldom,
shine is not welcome,
and there is no hope of rebellion
winter Feb 2016
imagine an empty room
without any gloom
ready to bloom;
there something there that draws you
maybe a feeling of rescue
you never know what you want
until its right there in front of you

imagine a clear blue sky
when the sun is already high
you look over and can always expect reply
you don’t know why
but you always know when they’re close by
you know when it sets you’ll both be wishing on fireflies
you never know what you need
until its right there in front of you

imagine that perfect person
that one in a billion
that will always lessen the burden
the one that makes you lose all reason
this one that shines like the sun
and even then you may never notice them
until they’re right there in front of you
winter Dec 2015
i have forgotten how to think
my words are spilling
along with the ink
i cant do anything
so i just blink

i may die tonight
living like this isn't in my right.
i have lost my fight
and all my might
has since taken flight

i know i don't deserve it
there is nothing i wont admit
i know i am unfit
to recieve all these benefits
but i just cant help it

my breathing will pause
and there will be a morbid cause
to the stuttering in my chest
and it will all be because
i have forgotten how to think
kinda wanna die
winter Nov 2015
she looks like perfect porcelain from far away
but up close she is caked in grey clay.

her soul is torn
her heart is so worn.

she seems so distant
but she has learned to be resistant.

they think they know the inside of her mind
but she knows they are blind.

she is aware
but opening her mouth would be sitting in an electric chair.

she stays mute
hoping to find a higher route

but her hopeful sanctuary
did not bring her any glory.

all was lost
with so many paths uncrossed,

so much knowledge forfeit
wise minds now dormant.

tears paint down porcelain cheeks
stone eyes let out silent shrieks.

she is finally only hard bone
she could never stand being alone.
title and a few lines inspired by mariana's trench
winter May 2019
She hasn’t left her room for three days. She hasn’t left her house in two weeks. She hasn’t gone into town in a month before that. She hadn’t been rationing her food supply on purpose but it’s what ended up happening anyway.

She’s laying on the floor, now. She’s been laying on the floor and staring at the ceiling for hours. She knows that the ceiling is a muted, toneless, comforting beige but all she can focus on is the creeping gray shadows that feel like a physical barrier between herself and the rest of the world. She knows that these shadows are only really in her head, but four nights ago the angle of the sun coming through her curtains had been just right and all she could focus on was an oppressive mass of shadow that froze her in her tracks and locked her inside her own mind as it crawled nearer and nearer.

That horrifying moment had only been that, a moment, but now that she’s locked away she doesn’t even have the energy to start looking for the key.

She’s been lying on the floor staring at her not-gray ceiling for hours. She has no idea what day it is because every time her mind starts to right itself into something resembling coherency there is another shudder of uncertainty and the physical shadows in her mind slither over her more tightly and she is left again a shell of herself, dead, glassy eyes staring, seeing nothing and the ceiling, both at once.

However, if there is one thing she can focus on longer than anything else, it is the shadows. The ones that wriggle in the corners of her periphery and make up her cage. Even if her mind can’t pull itself together enough to name the days, she can at least count how many times the shadows were at their weakest and instead of reaching towards the silhouette of her body, she can at least count the three times where she felt the light pressure of warmth on her skin. It lasted a little while, she remembers, vaguely, but it was never long before the briefest change in the shadows illuminated their own movement again. Again, if coherency was anywhere near possible she might question how her strict one-way mind can connect that this means that days have passed, but for now she just waits in numb agony for nothing and everything in her mind to make sense.

She has no idea if she is awake or asleep and really, doesn’t care.
now I know this is a place for poems and this is prose but...... this has been niggling at the back of my mind when I try to sleep. lately, I've been having that thing happen where I sleep so much but I still wake up exhausted. I hope for rest for myself and I hope that someone else can relate to this.

I've been super obsessed with superhero movies and the combination of this and seeing the trailer for Neil Gaiman's masterclass I feel like I almost have a solid idea for an actual plot of a story based off this. I'll probably think about for months before anything happens but. I guess this is a test run.
winter Oct 2018
Dear friends its been a while!
I can't believe
It took so long to reconcile.
So often it feels like
I'm only giving off a profile.
so I must say
I’ve missed your smile.

I've been thinking lately
(And you know how
My thoughts can be deadly)
That maybe I
Am lost again already.
I’ll swallow my pride this time
And ask for help before I go crazy.

I can't feel my emotions.
Every other obstacle feels like
a toss into the deepest of oceans.
And no matter what I do
Its like I’m only going through the motions.
It's so hard to be around people
Without feeling like my mind and body are prisons

Help me, please
I don't want to be alone anymore but
this is the only place I feel at ease.
I feel sicker than before now,
How can I cure my self of this disease?
All my efforts drain me.
Why would my heart have a lock without keys?

I am so sorry
I'm working through some
of this explosive self-fury.
I hope you can forgive me
and save yourself some worry
because I know to ask now and besides:
it's not as bad as it could be.
tbh i could really use some attention. thanks.
winter Jan 2016
so much time is spent
and so much less is meant
within hollowed walls
and endless mirrored halls.
none can articulate
what they feel to be their fate
seeing as their time
will be cut before they can find the right rhyme.

those new prestigious prodigies
will only be accepted with the right commodities.

only those with an endless present
can give the idea to reinvent
a past that cannot possibly give
a future that everyone can forgive

we may have finally left the gods behind
but left the people in the back of our collective mind.

there is not way the earth can win
when hidden by a prodigy's leering grin;
we must force a victory from the sea
before we can truly be carefree.

for now, i will place a vow
and seize the day to repay
my world with time i have taken
to help it reawaken.
winter Nov 2015
breathe.

one, two, three too many nights i was left too alone.
one, two, four too many months i felt too lost
one, two, five too many friends made and lost.
one, two, six too many open wounds on my skin that i can no longer feel.
one, two, seven too many abandoned thoughts
one, two, eight too many times i was cast aside.
one, two, nine too many things i said were worthless.

one, two,
ten, we've made it this far.

one, two, nine too many minutes i was too panicked.
one, two, eight too many aches i tried to ignore.
one, two, seven too many days i have been sick of myself.
one, two, six too may waves taking my breath away.
one, two, five too many words left unspoken.
one, two, four too many opportunities missed.

one, two, three; *breathe
.
winter Feb 2016
White powder pills,
one lone light atop the hill.
i want to stop breathing.
i can’t stop feeling.
i try to convince myself
my shivers are just chills.

i surround myself with thrills
just so my mind will still
i want to stop dreaming
my mind can’t stop screaming.
i tell myself i can sleep
if i force my will.
winter Feb 2017
its starting to really hurt this time
its not as cloudy as last time
but im not sure what to do
to stop myself
or if i even really want to

im in a cage of guilt and bones
and i really dont want anyone
to see past my pale pink illusion

ive not felt like a real person in such a long time
and i have already convinced myself
that it would come back
but the bones of the cage rattles
and dig into my skin

the tendrals of guilt and shame and lonliness
wont release my neck
but its not like i would be able to breath anyway

my soulless self will be gone soon
i hope to be released
from the hurt and the cage
shall be edited
well see
maybe not
depends on how long im home alone
winter Feb 2018
i have spent every moment
of my life dedicated to
collecting the art of my experiences
they live under my skin
and crawl towards the loving light
that the sun promises
but i cannot give up my sight
for them to fly and be lost
no one loves them like i do
no will see them as i do
i know because no one
sees them when they sink
longing claws into my flesh
they cant see the shades
as the colors bleed out of my tears
so i keep them safe behind my ribs
right next my expanding heart
and i let part of them pour out
as words on my fingertips
some are shy
and some seek the sight of others
just like my feelings
i love so much
so i am so greatful that they
do not resent me
for not looking into the sun
winter Jan 2016
once upon a time
i believed in a paradigm
that had me condemned.

this kept me concealing
new stunning feelings,
that later would need some healing.

i cannot imagine
how i could hold passion
if i did not know this affliction.

its held above my head
and blocks my thoughts;
striving to make them rot.

beauty became lost chaos
and danger was wonderfully irrelevant
over waterfalls of suicidal insecurities.

knowledge forever forfeit
while our consciousness was dormant
in a haze of repressed youth.

i will find the means
to survive my teens
and overwhelm the fantasy
pushed upon me.

the real world
will take my mold
and accept all those lost with me.

i will become the greater creator
and produce an ideal,
made to heal

and morn for those
who gave in
and let the old ways win.
winter Nov 2015
the lights spin around
running right into the ground
people try to come down
all trying not to drown
stars dying in the background
none can hide their frown
heading back to the battleground
keeping an eye on the countdown
til the lights go out
and the blackout
triggers the fallout
and everyone
just
leaves
family gatherings are hell
winter Jan 2018
‘Why do you long to see me?’
She asks like
she isn’t the most beautiful thing in the universe
‘You don’t mourn the day passing’
She tells me like
Thats the only reason I would come to see her
‘You dread the morning’
She states with pity like
She knows that I am missing my own life

I tell her,
‘I see your gentle light
And it helps to set my soul right.’
I tell her,
‘You look beyond what you see,
And try to help those who don’t think they deserve to be happy.’
I tell her,
‘There’s a softness I see here,
that no one else can see unless their heart is clear.’
I tell her,
‘I prefer your peace that cannot hide,
To all of those in the day that push forward their pride.’
I tell her,
‘The day does nothing but weather my body
And blinds me with everything so gaudy.’
I tell her,
‘Of course I dread the morning, because the sunlight brings shadow,
And you go to where I cannot follow.’

I see sadness in her whole being,
With a ‘why?’ She seems to be pleading
I give her a smile and tell her:
‘You’ve never left me,
Even as the shadows of my misgivings surround me,
You always stay soft and strong
Even as the universe’s cycle strings you along.
I have never seen anything more beautiful;
So I am proud to stay with you, always dutiful.
winter Nov 2015
i wish for rain
to wash away
my insecurities
my immaturity and impurity
winter Jan 2016
you remind me to let myself be happy.
you probably dont realize
how much you mean to me.
i wish i could repay you
for the strength i take from you.
i would tell you to take my heart
but you may be already reaching
as i stare at my ceiling.
you might be afraid of the dark
but i want to remind you
of your love of the stars
whose brightness is reaped
and piqued from the night.
you remind me of the moon
with your mystery and history,
that inspire so many.
so, i would like to tell you,
that your pain is temporary
and you are extraordinary
i am by your side.
as you have been for me.
winter Nov 2015
most say i am innocent,
i say i am infinite.
i will do all i can
to save the wise man.

but little did they know:

i've long since been gone,
and forgotten ten fold,
even i cant remember
if my heart really was gold
or maybe just overwhelmingly cold.

they never did say
why they had gone all that way
and only ended up missing me
with less than a bouquet.

and finally,

i would never question,
such as their aggression,
why i could never find
the once notorious mastermind.

— The End —