there's still a boy
trying to fly
trying to dream-
in his mind
that he can fly-
and if he could try
he would first touch the ceiling fan
spinning on high
wobbling out of control
with loose screws that used to be tight-
then he'd make his way outside
and crash through the clouds
get a foaming cloud beard,
maybe drink the cloud dry.

wouldn't that be something-

wouldn't that be something if we could all just levitate above the ground
and maybe shoot into the heavens without ever coming down
and maybe we could get away from the day to day for just a few years
or maybe if we could fly, life's needs would disappear-
or at least the car payments
and at least the gas
maybe I'd own some shoes and for once they'd last-

but the truth is-
no matter how high you can fly, life will never drift away-
you'll still be 24, depressed, feeling meaningless, and dismayed;
that fence you couldn't quite squeeze through will only grow, it wont fade-
you'll just stare at the wall and wish for something else instead-
maybe a cloud blanket
or a bullet in your head.

there is a greying definition
of covering to protect-
the loosened tightening of fingers
contracting and outstretched.
one must take care to be gentle
with the laying on of hands
for the comfort turns to pain in time
with all the palm’s reprimands.
greyed between control and love
the words will stick and poke,
until the image stays full grasped-
what once was tender holding is now a choke.

grandma hoists her paralyzed son
out of bed
lifts his head
shakes in dread
(a grandson, now their kid)-
she takes her time
doesn’t whine
about how much pain it is
-
when they get to the church
she opens the door
struggles some more
because of the strength of her spouse
who is old as death
and out of breath,
moments from his heart giving out
-
so when the pastor preaches
she goes at it again
reaches out to heaven,
all but her husband can hear the sound-
this time with anger and rage
she pleads and she prays,
that the two coffins she built will fill by the end of the day
and her two burdens will be stuck in the ground.

taking a look in the mirror
you find that there is mostly you;
the walls became smaller yet superior-
once they’re out there’s no coming back through.
and you
wonder why
as the days go by
the people you once had
in your life,
by your side,
leave and they never come back,
never try,
never climb
over those walls
with those apology letters saying
I
am
sorry
will you
please
forgive
me
now-
they’re not sorry
(they’re not sorry)
they’re not sorry
(they’re not sorry)
im not sorry
I’m not sorry!
if you wanted us to stay,
then why did you try so hard to push us away;
if all you wanted was equality
then why you try so hard to make your voice
the only voice I could hear, could breathe, could see, could believe, could stomach, or could retrieve!

as your walls go up
and the blinds fall down
don’t peek outside
to see if we’re around,
because you said it,
you said we should leave
simply because
we had disagreed;
you’re always saying, that we never listen
and when we stop talking, you finally get all your words in
to call us the blind, the defective, and the useless,
but a friend can only stay so long and endure all your bruises!
so when you look back at now, when quite some time has past
remember my words to you, though unsympathetic, they will last:
you were the hypocrite, pleading for peace but sparking rage,
disowning everyone you knew, hiding away in your cage!
and when the pain and hurt from others finally went away
you crawled back out just in time to reassure us that you still hate
everything that disagrees with anything that you do,
hitting us with harmful words, severing connections right through-

your
opinions
have poisoned yourself
I know
it’s because
you’re going through hell
and
you
just
want
some
company-

sometimes
things don’t play out the way you want them to
but what’s up to you
is whether that makes it good or bad
- some don’t understand and won’t ever do
that the reaction and emotional transaction
is something you get to choose-
regardless of the feelings others had.

even all things
formed and hardened
subject themselves to change
and to be changed
for what is
cannot refuse the weathering-
deciding to stay the same
letting the same form remain.

yet they will try
to mask the craters
in their complexion-
some will die
before admitting
some roots have severed connections-
for none like to look back
and see that
what has past
is true;
for admitting all the past acts
or the rough patch
can mean some pain lasts
in their view-

but we are all bruised and cracked deep in our bones
with lasting acts that won’t leave us alone
we were made to break at some point in time
but that doesn’t mean that pain controls our lives-
and even when change leaves us in the dark
and we miss home so much with it’s warming heart,
there is a light shining it’s brilliant warmth
and if we just trust, I know that we can still have life in our storms.

we like to justify:
lie
create
or at least try
to make
or state
a reason why
we do
what we do
or why we chose that we don't
but the truth
we ignore
is that we don't know, and we won't-

you ask yourself
you trust yourself
and you go on your way

you believe your truth
you accept your proof
and you go on your way

you live life with max ease
you do as you please
and you go on your way

but you can't trust yourself
you can't trust anyone else
to give you the answers, and show you the way

so just know that you don't
that you always won't
or either muster the confidence to simply say

"i don't know what i'm doing"
"theres no way of knowing"
"i'm trying to make the best of my fate"

or

"i trust in the stars"
"i leave life up to chance"
"i believe there's a God still showing me grace"

all open their eyes to fear
seeing nothing but what can't be escaped-
even in a world they paint,
what they create
can't get them out of here-
so we
tell stories
make up lies
make our selves feel better
  maybe in time
  we will find
  something that casts this cage away
  -forever
but until then we
search for truth
but ignore what's waiting
down at the bottom of the stairs
  they say
  don't stare
  don't focus too hard
  or you will find that your fate
  isn't
   going
    anywhere-

if you wake up
empty stomach
tired and hungry
and pour coffee down into the empty hole,
it will slide right through
- such is life;
sometimes
racing myself to the bathroom
is a more pleasurable experience
than not visiting those marble floors at all
that day
that week
those three weeks-
it is by far
the more pleasurable experience
to feel the burn in my stomach
the churn
and groan
than to have nothing happen at all
-such is life;
it is an odd enlightenment
to be aware of the pleasure received
from the release of what we spend filling ourselves up with.
we fill ourselves
we stuff ourselves
and we eagerly await to get rid of it,
and we enjoy it,
at least I do,
for although such things are not what we discuss,
it is what we feel
it is who we are
-such is life

it's not the sound that you miss
or the view
or even the touch
or the lips
or the sound of the walking shoes
rushing forward in a stamping blitz
halted by the shadow's looming lightlessness

its not any of this

what you miss is knowing

knowing that you're not standing next to the wind
or particles drifting through your hands-
but knowing
that someone is there
and they have no plans of going-

do you ever want to take
everyone you love
stuff them in a box
push them out the door
somewhere far away
where they can’t be seen or heard
and you can finally find some time alone
lonely
free as a bird

there is no guarantee that we get to cash in
when we feel the rug pull
out from under our heels and we start to slip
we get what we pay for
we get what we bought
and the life we have is really all we have
until it's not.

just because I lay my bones out dry for everyone to see that I feel things more than they ever thought I could
doesn’t make me special
doesn’t make me unique
does make me something good
or make my words a grandiose speech-
it may show that I’m week
maybe humble
maybe showing that I stumble on my broken feet
but why on earth would you take advice
from someone who’s foundation is defeat.

the truth is that we’re all hopeless to some extent, relating to something sad, something as empty as we feel
we like to feel something that seems real
something real to us
something we can see
something that we can look and and see ourself reflecting back perfectly.
but when has taking your time to look in the mirror for an extra half hour
looking at your blemishes, your skin decaying, you imperfect features, the shame lying inside your eyes, the unshaven neck, and your unkempt hair
ever brought you to any new place
any new hope,
or is it still the same-
and that’s just how it goes
when the only thing you can look up to
is a reflection that you hate to see
hate to be
hate to remind yourself that that is you
hate to remind myself that that is me.

thank God that I have a foundation not built on myself
on my own personal hell
and that although sometimes there’s comfort in knowing your pain is felt by someone else
true comfort is found by someone who can overcome the pain
someone who can overcome the mundane day to day
the pimples
the ****
and all other things-
still helping me to not look at myself so much
but to place my hand in his and
walk away.

I roll out of my bed with my lips dry clamping to the side of my sheets
Like the sand clings to the side of a wet cheek and refuses to leave
Without first scratching your skin, unless you brush with care-
But then that just gets it everywhere
And all over bedroom floor
And all over the room
And the tub
And the bathtub mat
And somehow in the bed.

I rip my skin off of my lip because I have no more motivation to lift my head and turn my neck to try and see what this world has to offer me
Because
To be honest I’m tired of dragging myself out of an eternally cursed sleep of finally escaping what this life and my work and my toil had to bring,
I am ready to be rolled over, nailed down, lowered, covered, and then lulled to sleep, and thereby escape the day’s tolls that bring me crawling back into my bed
Dreading another day
Dragging my feet.

in the time that you see this i will be asleep in the bed all ******* in my thoughts like you said that i would and you always have been right that eventually i wouldnt stand in this fight and thats always been true thats always been you and you know what to do to make this all go through so just say those "nice" words to the back of my head sleeping soundly on top of my pillows of dread dreaming that the sounds like my heart would be
dead.

i dont want to hear it anymore i dont want to hear it anymore i dont want to hear it anymore i dont want to hear it anymore
i never wanted to hear it anymore
and thats why i blast the music until my ears bleed
to drown out the noises you keep sending raging after me
and i want to be free
see the world
see the free
and be me
but you keep chasing after the ends of my sentences begging to be apart of some world together
like this will last forever and that you have to fit yourself inside before the page runs out of lines to include us both in the same half a centimetre space
connected with no room to move
no room to breathe
no room to be free me or just simply be

so by the time that you see this hopefully i will be asleep and you will be asleep and you wont come to tell me your "nice" words again and wake me up to your screaming and we could all just go to sleep once without a fight of whos right and how youre right and new and true and how my blue is too much to live and breathe and
bloom.

not a soul in sight

will we be alright
here
under a lonely light

when the lamp goes cold
that’s all that i
fear

i just want to feel
something

i don’t want to be found
wanting

so as i climb my tower’s
walling

don’t pay attention to my lack
of care, i’m not falling-

i’m not
climbing down
if you can’t find me
don’t look around
-i have climbed my way
with no help from you-
i’m not
calming down
if you don’t like it
just ignore the sound
-I have found my way
with no help at all-



-at the foot
of your lonely tower
i will wait
just in case you tumble
i may not
have been there every hour
but i won’t leave
just in case you stumble-

gentle flowers under the sun
growing roots and growing up
brushing up against other stems
-feeling touch, feeling skin-
a soft brush on a petal
and it falls
right
off:
i never meant to hurt you
but i just didn’t think
to
stop.

i don’t want to be labeled by your names
i don’t want to be hurt for hurting again
i apologize for causing pain
but selfishness wants to never be treated the same!
i deserve the hate
i deserve your mistrust!
at least i hurt out of ignorance,
you hurt to make your hurt feel less than it does-

when all our
petals
fall to the
ground
will we
realize
the pain we’ve
given
to take back
all we’ve lost
has taken everything
that we have
and left us
paying the cost-
i know
i am the enemy
i know
that i have done you wrong
i learned my lesson,
took my shame,
but all your petals
at this rate
won’t last very long.

a phone rings to my displeasure
- another time spent
in your voice
in your precious respect:
the one demanded
for which i was reprimanded
and ****** for returning empty handed;

and i ignore your call
long enough for it to get lost again
but your name
lingers inside my brain
the image of your name
the only markings behind my closed eyes-
i dont want to see it
i dont want your name to be it
i dont want to read it
i dont want to open your voice message
i dont want to believe it
i dont want to think it
i dont want to dream it
i dont want to watch your name flash by
i dont ever want my path to cross between it;
fifty five years of seeing your name cross out mine
is enough for me to finally delete it.

-a father's hand reaching out,
means nothing once its reaching
has been to pull and tear, and rip apart;
the pain is the only lasting feeling.

it’s not the warm heart
that causes pollination  
from the honey bee

it’s just the static-
the spark between the partners-
rubbing off on them

both getting their way,
the bee and the new flower-
the wet dew glistens-

then they fly away,
maybe visiting someday-
moving on and out.

will they remember
the day they spent together-
i guess life moves on.

give me my way-
my deep down
my “prayed for” today
yesterday
every day,
the needs that never seem to find a way
to be met-
give me my way-
let my hands
grip firmly
to the waist line
squirming
and let me do what I do best
what I obsess
to posses
and undress-
give me my way!
because I have given way
long enough to have earned the right to say
that it’s my turn
my earned
my deserved
time and day,
so don’t delay
because I’ve waited a long time to have this moment
where I can be selfish and take
instead of give
and feel how living really is-

-what a mistake-

was it my fault-


take apart the past_ I wish it never passed.
I wish that the time flew by while we sat and laughed.
and maybe then I’d find the time to finally ask
what I could find that would make you relax-
instead I sit down on my bed at night
and wonder why I never did it right,
wondering why we’re still together,
wondering wether or not this will last forever-

was it my fault-


the words pouring from your lips
before the touch of our kiss
point out that it was my clenched fists
forcing faces to become clicked-
i
was
the
one
who
wanted
this-
those are the only words I remember-
the only words I can hear you say.
I thought you wanted all that I could pull together,
never knowing how far I would tear you away-

fill me up with your tainted smell
bring me to heaven, but not to hell-
when I get back, let me think about
the good times
the colors
the laugh lines
all others
around-

slip deep inside my mouth
don’t let the contents pour back out
until the world absorbs deep inside
my thick skin
my eye lids
my blue heart
pulling me back in
tight-

i will tell
all my friends
i will tell
all my friends
and when I tell
all my friends
i will fill them
with enlightenment-

i will fill them
with enlightenment

i will fill them
with enlightenment

i will fill them
with enlightenment

i will fill them
with enlightenment.

we believe (we believe)
because we see (because we see)
hidden things (things that we cannot dream)
that we are (we stand and be)
opened up
sobered up
empty cup
cut and stuffed
in the gut
open cut
bleeding true
bleeding through
seeing past
seeing why
seeing truth
seeing lies,
and we think
because we see
that we’ve seen
everything,
but what you’ve seen
was a lie
what you’ve felt
wasn’t right,
and the feelings
you connect
with the moon
and the sky
only fill
you with clouds
in a thickly
clouded mind,
so please know
that your truth
is just pretty
painted skies,
hidden valleys
in the shadows
waiting for
your demise,
so try to escape
from the ways
trapped inside,
before this
brand new high
leaves you lower than the lowest, dead in bed on your side!
and we watch as they clean up your body, and tell us to say goodbye!
say goodbye!
say goodbye!

finding meaning in the clouds is nothing more than paper-wise-
feelings in our chest telling us what we feel inside-

a stone will be hewn,
placed above the head-
written upon its cold stark view
the names, the dates, a lasting word said-
we will wonder
what will be placed above our dug out slot-
will there be words to say
will there be words or not-
but the only thing
upon my troubled mind
is whether or not
the earth has swallowed up your body-
soul and mind intact,
or has your spirit taken flight,
and i
watch the sky
and watch the clouds open to
to welcome you inside.

The mind
Is my
Worst feature-
My imagination
Turns me into
A new creature-

I will-
Foam at the mouth till I get what I want,
And weep to myself when I finally have it-
I will-
Disperse all irrelevant relevant details,
And give myself up to bad habits!
This drug of fantasy
Will bring me down with it’s dark tendencies!
And like Justin and Reece used to sing,
I am confusing my lust for these fallacies!

Images!

You cheat me till I’m bone dry!
Desiring to weep, but I can’t cry!
Wanting to give up, but I can’t die!
Wanting to move on, but I won’t try!
Wanting all that I can’t have!
Dreaming of decisions I could never take back!
Hoping for things that I could never ask!
And I
Push it on my wife like it’s her task!
To feed the demons of my dark soul!
To fill this void, this bottomless hole!
And when she can’t, I will grasp for control!
But I’m the one that needs to let go!
So I sit in misery of my thoughts!
And hope that the words I say can be forgot!
Images will cheat your eyes, your heart and all that you’ve got!
Until you’re at your lowest point, broken, distraught-

Separation-

Exclamation.

Exasperation-

and then silence-

for all the years
when you were speaking to me
have found the words

silent-

and as the feet
slide side by side,

the heartbeat
is deafly quiet-



a treasure is lost

a foundation is cracked

the stone i leaned upon has swayed-


my only wish,
if i could have it,
would be that you could’ve stayed-


that maybe grace and understanding could keep you
instead of sending you away.

i'll put my foot
in between the cracks
on the concrete slabs
and i will believe that i am
divided in half
never choosing my own path-
the foot will remain in the middle
between the sides
between the opposite ends and times
yet nothing is perfectly in between
the molecules unseen
lean to a side we don't believe
is what we really are
but we can deny the power of
choice-

we all believe
we are the in between
the new believers-
hiding everything
hoping that the secrets
wont find their seekers!
and the people we surround ourselves with!
are the people who will let us fall deeper!
we are afraid of the slightest criticism
and the feeling that we've been tricked by a deceiver!
so we ask those who follow our side
to turn around and grow blind eyes
so that we can keep hiding
we can keep on fighting
the internal battle for our lives!
-all alone-

and no one can show me the way
no one can show me the way back home-
for if i knew the way
i don't think i would go-
for i am afraid
i am afraid of what they'd know
and what they would say to my face
about the life that i now own-
for i don't want them to see
i don't want them to see this me
because i can't stand this part of my self
and the way that i drown in this sea-

and i'm all alone-
i'm alone in this place
because i was afraid to be real with those that love me-

take the open door
because when you look back
realize the broken path
you will fall through the depths
and slip into the deepening cracks-

when you look inside
you will see what you like to see
you will find what you came to seek!
and when you get what you want
you'll find that the door was closed for the past three weeks
to hide the stench of the bodies stacked
-the guts hidden behind the hopeful crusted lips
words spoken and never heard
forgotten before they ever stirred-

“a righteous man
picks up his cross,
gathers his loss,
and walks-
reaching for the heavens,
speaking to a passerby,
talking about the afterlife
and how good Jesus is-“

meanwhile-
another baby body is bent and broken
by a father’s “bravery” to believe in something bigger
than the breaths of his boy, his girl, his new born Bethlehem-
Because
Jesus called him.

-I find it hard to believe-
that God in his glorious grace
would give you a mission, to leave their sweet faces
and depart from this place
to carry a block of wood
to witness to others
while losing your children
your wife
your love
your spirit
your humanity-
i don’t think God has called you to anything-

You’re another pompous prophet
Professing his prophecies to impressionable people
To hide the fact that you’re facing much more than you fear to mention
And that you haven’t heard the voice of the lord or felt his love’s tension
And you carry this cross, but haven’t picked the one up in your eye; you are week and feeble.
You speak of goodness
But bring nothing but sorrow
You speak of love
Yet love to hate,
You think yourself a high priest,
But you are no servant.
Let the blood of a bitten tongue
Be the pain lasting longer
Than your false song
Slowly getting stronger.

“Everything under the sun is meaningless”  
says the teacher,
‘truly meaningless’



the hands that toil
to endless returns
will find out that the breaking
wasn’t worth the burn-
the days spent in agony
and months spent hoarding away
will be forgotten
on the last and final days.
there is one thing remembered,
one lasting effigy-
the words you cry out in judgment
facing death’s depravity!
for there are no assurances
that a man can find!
the teachers prophecy shall be remembered,
“Everything is meaningless” we leave nothing behind!

today marks 8 years
since i heard the news,
6 years since
we started walking askew
and only a few marking
the painful years i put us through-
for i always said sorry
i always said i loved you,
but what i meant was
“please don’t forget me and the words i let loose,
because i don’t know what love is,
i don’t think i ever knew,
because November 22nd,
my dad left the house, my mom left too
to find a comforting bed
in a house brand new
with a new naked body
a new silhouetted view,
and i sat here wondering-
‘They said they loved me,
Does love leave you too!’”







so it doesn’t surprise me that i couldn’t hold up to any pauses
any breaks
any time alone
any detachment
any moment of somber tones
and i clung to you
like you were the last love i’d ever know
like your words were their empty promises
that everything would be ok, that i would like living in 2 homes

- but here i am 8 years later,
thinking that i’m over it all
thinking that i can learn from my past,
but the fear and tears still grip my face
knowing that the lingering hurt will always last-

you can’t hold the weight
of the pain pulling down your face
forming the unpleasant stares,
corroding an unpleasant gaze.
you can’t hold your weight
without leaning on the cupboards-
but the wood’s about to break!
cover the mess behind closed shutters.
i try to hold your weight,
just a fraction,
but a hurt man hurts
without care for their actions!
and you begin to say
that the high horse
is in between my aching legs,
trying to carry you safely to bed!
i know i’m no escape
or a crutch
but to say i’m an enemy-
**** yourself to your grave!

-i didn’t mean it
i didn’t mean to say
the words you think of
every day.
i didn’t mean it
i hurt you today,
the pain, i can take it,
just to see you stay.

Monday
901 AM;
a blistering sun
the motion of life
now stopped-

“there’s been activity
in garage 1
resulting in
2 hours of waiting”

1145 AM
the blood from the gunshot wound
the bits of flesh from the skull
the empty husk
and the traffic jam
has been cleaned up-

a sound is heard

the morning bird
weeps

do i dare
speak?

a sound is heard

my heart breaks
but i only have thoughts
incomplete

not words.

I look at you
everyday
either way,
I can’t feel the pleasure stay,
envious,
out of touch,
out of mindful bend and brush!
pull and push,
trim the bush,
hold back all your fears!
hold back all your fears!
I watch you
everyday,
either way
I’m not getting better!
tell your story
state your statement,
I still can’t feel the pleasure!
-hold back my fears-

if i
had one more to say
while you had to leave
would you stay
would you listen to me,
because some days
seem to agree
that some days
resonate deeply
with
me.
so
if i
had one more to say
would you stay
would you say its okay
or
would
you
walk
away.
would
you
walk
away?

- it's true
you asked me to stay
but, hey
tomorrow will be better
it better be great!
because
how bad can it get,
this must be the worst
the most hurt

yet-

- please don't mind
i wont be staying here
i have much too much to stay this near
to your fear-
-don't
you
understand
this is more
than
what you could demand-

-im too tired
to listen right now
i have a few things to attend to
to lend my time spent to
to speed and pay rent to
to pitch up my tent to
to try to amend to
to play pretend to
to follow and swallow and digest inside
to batter and barter and leave all behind!
So listen to me
I don't listen to you!
Won't you hear that I have not much time!
So keep your thoughts away!
And have a good day!
Because there's problems I have that are mine!


im not near you
i can't hear anyone
so could a whisper be sputtered from
somebody's
cold lips?
maybe felt from a cold kiss?
im not near you
i can't hear anyone
so could a word be formed,
killed, buried, reborn,
and let the storm of talk
reach my heart?
for it's lonely
am i the only
one
left
on
this

mountain?

it's lonely.

am
i
the
only
one
left
to
hold
me
closely?

In case you missed it-
I will never care about the miles or distance
Between our feet or the hearts that we live with.
Cut open my skin and you’ll find in an instant
The blood that thickens
Is consumed with the same blood that brought us together!
And I know that we’ll always miss this-
The simple imprints
Of hearts clasped without the intention to sever!
I would never!
I would never!
I would never!
I would never!
I would never let you slip past these walls
The ones we built to cushion every fall!
I would never let you out of this home!
Without you there’s just dried out bones!

-in case you missed it-
My hearts the happiest when you’re in it.
You’re never a burden, Im happy you’re in it!
My heart is warmed when you’re close
And I miss you when you’re far away from home.
You have a home with me, wherever I am,
And I will always be excited to see you again.

Desolate
Deserted
No room for a quenching air-
Agape is the mouth
The dust now degraded
Leaving emptiness and despair-
Closing in to you
To confide in the dark
A whisper heard, still scared-
When you give all you have
To the bottomless pit
You’re left with it’s empty stare!
Deeply
Darkly
Death inhales!
“Your poison paints me black till I’m desolate,
frail!”

-the remedy to this loneliness
Is the sad sound of your heartbeat
As the door creaks shut as you reminisce,
Remembering that you're parting!
Part ways with your second half
And wait and see how long that lasts
Before you're broken, beat up, crying on the floor
Begging time to take you away, you can't take anymore!
Because your screams in the shower can't fix a single thing!
No matter what you try to do this is the life you bring!
And you can't take back all the things that you've done!
The consequences will stay, they still weigh a ton!
And you miss just the words of the one who's still dear,
But the absence of voices makes you grow deeper in fear-

-until the sound of your doubting is all that you hear-

the trees sway back and forth
and the air grows thin,
the apple shakes a little more
as it's blown by the wind.
the basket lays now beneath
but as the storm slips in
the basket moves now from the tree,
the lights fade to dim.
the apple shakes a little more,
the darkness closes in.
the falling face now to the floor,
the darkness closes in,
the falling face now to the floor,
the darkness closes in.
-so tell me!
what did you mean when you said
you would be their to catch me when I fall!
was it a joke from the start,
was it serious at all-
the basket blows down the hill,
the tumbling apple follows too,
-it's sad to say when I'm closer to dead
I feel now I'm close to you.
It's sad to say when this is all in my head
I find I fell completely through!
you were made of yarn, never complete
how could I be what you choose!
no matter what I'd fall through your strings
there was nothing I could do-

Tomorrow
I love you
And I wish I
Could hold you
But tonight
Has me choked
In this noose on my neck-
Kick out
My new stool
From under
My two feet
For tomorrow
I'll meet you
And you can finally kiss me!

-don't be afraid
"the little voices simply speak in retrospect"
don't be afraid
"death is only just a dream, just too complex"
don't be afraid
"if I was honest I would tell you this is best"
don't be afraid
"go now before there's no time left"-

don't
let
the
devil
take
your
mind-
his nails are all long, and he'll dig them inside!
cast
him
out
before
you
rise-
he will try to **** your thoughts with his lies!
take
out
your
sword
and
cut
him
out
tonight-
tomorrow can't wait, we can't waist much time!
trust
that
the
light
will
hold
you
tight-
His shining grace is enough for me to stay alive!

we
carried
the
weight
for
so
long.
drying
up
our
tears.
carrying
­each
other,
we
traveled
throughout
the
years.
i
look
back
in
sorr­ow,
watching
sorrow's
grip-
but
the
best
part
about
growing
older­
is
leaving
all
of
this-
so
let's
leave
all
the
past
behind,
even­
though
the
past
is
missed-
let's
take
new
hearts
and
share
them
­proudly,
let
us
never
now
forget!
-the
greatest
hope
we
have
foun­d,
leaves
now
inside
our
chest!
with
open
arms
to
other
cries,
we­
give
them
this
precious
gift.

We all want to be
We all want to be
We all want to be
-long, -lieve, -something that we can’t possibly
Be.
The heart will burn
The heart will burn
The heart will burn
-up, -others, -until we finally start to learn-
We burn.

When we will all
Look further than
We’ve gone before,
We’ve ever been!
You see the blood
Stained on the hands,
The reward for
The self demands!
We all want
To consult
With reflections
That push and pull
Deep beneath
The chest and skull!
Shedding light
On the empty soul-

You
Are
Un-
Sure
Who
You
Want
To
Be-
So
You
Cre-
Ate
World­s
Where
You’ll
Be
Free-
Hide
The
Shame
That
You
Hope
Will
Leave-
Be-
Fore
Your
Hap
Pi
Ness
Won’t
Make
You
Ha-
Ppy-

So try all you might to upheave the grass to find the buried tomb-
The empty grave will find its way to carry you in too-

We all
We all
We all
-search for who we really are;
-hope that we’ll be happy
-fall short in such a trivial pursuit, and end up wanting to leave so badly!
-cut our arms and hearts and souls to ease the pain we’re having!
-hold on to what we call concrete, while it’s grasp is clearly detaching!

keep the doors shut,
keep them closed.
when the wind blows, don’t let them open,
don’t let the doors go.
the knocking sound calls you to open up,
but don’t let careless emotions show!
keep the doors shut!
no matter how many knocks you hear below!

keep the doors shut,
keep them closed.
when voices start to grumble inside,
it’s tempting to let world know.
feeling like a hero?
maybe like that open gate’s a grove,
where people will be safe inside,
where people will find a home!
get rid of all your lies!
your words could never bring them hope!
keep the doors shut!
for they will always choose that rugged road!

-keep the doors shut
because opening them
only lets the darkness in
every time your try to show the light-

-keep the doors shut
because mosquitoes make their hives
right outside the walkway light
and come inside in expert time,
enough to **** your blood-

-keep the doors shut,
for being a symbol is a wanton game,
a desire to be held the same,
praised and pulled in every way!
don’t you love the spotlight gaze!
and the feeling of a voice heard in a moments daze!
your words plastered on some expensive page!
it’s good enough for a pleasant date,
but turns your heart into a bad omen-

i thought that growing up
i would look back on all that i've seen
and see you standing right next to me-
yet
to my dismay
i am again standing in the gap-
trapped
inside.

i thought that growing up
we'd be closer than before
closer than closed doors-
yet i slam
that door shut
every day-
and i beg you
to go
away.

who am i today
who am i today
who is i  going to be
and where will that lead i?
will i be another symphony
is i just another expressed belief?
what does i believe-

oh i
what do you see and why
do you see oh i
the way you do
and why
do i oh i
still follow
you-

if i isnt me
than is me just another empty space
that i left behind
in the aftermath of
finding out who i is?
-me is just an empty lot
waiting for i to reattach to the host
-empty walls now make me i's empty ghost.

i isn't who i should be
not me
not me
not me's position to be choosing personality-
than who is the rhymer and the writer!
the pen and ink!
who are the author and who are the book!
who are they!
who are the shadows that haunt my mind!
who are the shadows of glory divine-

who are the devine
and they still make me question why
but i'm still learning tonight
and maybe tomorrow will be my last fight
with that angel underneath heaven's ladder
and i will finally get the rest i need
for it's tiring
fighting with angels
knowing that you can't win
but knowing they won't let you lose-
for i truly want to lose for once
and figure out that death isn't worth it-
and figure out that i had a greater purpose.

if I set myself on fire
drench myself in gasoline
will it melt through my skin
and **** the cells with thoughts and schemes-

-for the longest time
I'd illuminate my words
hope for the best
and let the cauldron stir!
I hope
that
the witchcraft
crafts
a new heart's
bath
in blood and
wrath!
my dream was
to create a song
dark enough to let
my thoughts sink in!
black enough to make
my white skin gone!
thick enough to choke
my throat till it splits!
**** down the blood from the slits!
call out to death for his kiss!

If I set myself on fire!
Will that be the end!
Will I be purified!
No longer play pretend!

-i never wanted to watch the swing set
set its chains down to rest
turn my eyes to hollow forecasts
and let my past take final breaths-

you are not alone-
the shadows ever stirred
the angels on the walls
the anger all unheard!
you are not alone-
the monsters in the dark
the heavens in their tears
the callous of the heart!
you are not alone!
the teeth grind in the sleep
the bathroom groans in pain
the dripping from the sink!
you are not alone!
the times down on your knees
the rashes on your elbows
the prayers prayed for weeks!
you are not alone!
the knocked-down-black-eyed breaths
the arms now pushing up
the taking of the final steps-

you are not alone-
for though you are on  fire
drowning in the ocean
the breath will not expire
though the water should
it wont end the flames
deep inside the heart
is where the war is raged.
don't let those hands down
box until your dead!
turn not now until the grave is cracked
against the match with father death!

we see life through eyes shoved deep in a clothes dresser
-dressed in one style, one choice, one black or white sweater
we are the oppressed or the oppressor
we either question or we answer
we either are racist or we are racist-
it doesn't matter within which color you exist
at one point or another you are the blunt of every man's expense
the traitor or the one with the knife in your back-
turn around and your friends are nowhere fast-
build up a blind eye and you missed the opportunity to chose a side
and now your an inactivist- a pacifist
someone who's breath is saved is not valid, this
life style leaves us bent between broken lips
and bad lies heard from different separatists
bent on making a society divided on who's right and who's wrong, what's the matter with this!
battle each other with harsh words and confrontational jargon fits!
spit on each other, barely walk away and shake our fists!
is there not enough wisdom for us to understand
that we are merely just imperfect man-
must we argue over who is the most persecuted, most bruised!
we-
who live in a country with the most benefits for you to choose!
we-
the ones who live in an electrical utopia and a house too!
we-
the ones who barely have to question anything, we just receive and we roost-

selfish enough to carry broken glass mirrors on our masks
and stare forever into our forever broken collapse-

well we can sit inside the sun for days
growing hungry, foaming at the mouth
like the red will gloss over our lips
cooling the flames bursting from our eyelids-
stare in silence waiting for bad dreams
hoping old ghost are familiar faces to greet
like
black plagues coughed up in disease
watching our skin disintegrate into the bone and wash out to the sea-
and i could sit and wait for the fire to spread
bursting through your blood vessels again and again
until your eyes run black,
how much longer until the end
i've waited for this moment long before it even began!

-i could watch this world crash and burn before i lift a finger
i've waited so long to watch us fall apart, watch the taste linger-

if this is the start of the end then lets end
the small talk telling us to say we're old friends
because if i could i would cut you off from all this pretend
and imagine a world where there's no more to bend!
pluck!
out!
my!
eyes!
i want to forget!
the voice comes around to let my thoughts grow sound!
if there's anyway to start, then lets begin!

-i'll wait inside your closed closet doors
hoping that when i come out, you'll be nothing more-

how can i take the sun and crumble it between my finger tips,
or master the earthquakes and pin point their movements-
swallowing the earth in blood and fire-
preventing me from falling back into the slow jaws of fate.