"Birds are light
Birds fly
If I stop eating
I will be light
I will fly."

"No, baby. If you stop eating, you will disappear."

"I am already invisible."

I had never drank myself to sleep until yesterday, when I saw you touching her arm the way you used to touch my body.
And I cannot understand how you tumbled out of my life so fast, and yet here I am. Hungover and cut in two after watching you love her with every part of the soul I was hoping would be mine.
I obviously know nothing about capturing someone's attention because she caught you in 0.5 seconds and even I was impressed.
But know if you'd come at my apartment that night I invited you, you would have known what it felt like to own someone completely.
I could have made you so. *******. Happy.
I had prepared myself to fall for you so hard, I was ready to stay awake at night and catch your dreams in my hands so I could make them a reality, I was ready to buy you a Nerf gun and challenge you to win at a water fight, I was ready to walk at 3 am to lie in bed with you for 3 minutes, I was ready to embrace all the good and all the bad and kiss you so good you wouldn't be able to tell if it was a fantasy or if I'd been made for you by the very angels I curse right now.
I was ready to take the jump and trust you'd catch me but I fell flat on my face when she walked by.
I haven't found the strength to stand back up and fight yet.
But when I do, I will march on this ***** until she understands you do not mess with angels.

I don't fall in love that easily, but when I do, God always makes sure it ends badly.
Why do I keep hoping it will work, I have no idea.
Why do I keep trying when I know what will happen, I can't say.
I guess I must like the burn.
The burning flesh when his rejection rubs me raw, the fire in my throat when I want to speak the words but he's kissing someone else, the hands crushing my porcelain heart in tiny pieces.
Because why else would I keep on falling off mountains by myself when he promised he'd be there to catch me if I tripped?
And I have climbed this mountain so many times you'd think by now I would get there fine, but there is always a rock, always a slippery ***** I never see coming, and I always find myself alone and bruised at the bottom.
The climb, though, the wind and the thrill and the fresh air and the kisses in the morning and the eternal smiles on our faces and the Crunchy Nut I bought you for breakfast at my place are still sealed shut in a box, along with all the promises you made.
I have lived this story so many times I can almost predict what words will come out of your mouth next, and my open heart might never have a chance to be sealed shut like that pack of cereal full of promises you never opened, because you never took the time to pass by.

She was waiting for another hand in hers
Not for a sword through her heart

I can see them swirling over me
Shadows of our past, shadows of our love
Like angels with dark wings
They try to bring me back down
Back down in your loving
But they won’t fool me again
Because they’re lying, there’s no more loving
How should I believe it
When you held me so tight ?
How should I believe it
When you loved me so right ?

Writers do not suffer alone every well

It cannot be hard to fall in love with you.
Your eyes fill my heart with longing, hope, happiness.
I do not know how to be sad when you’re around. Everything smells of Christmas and the ground lights up under the soft touch of your feet.
Looking like a lepreuchaun, by your stance, your enthusiasm, the way you look at everyone like they all matter to you.
You represent the spirit of December.
Your honesty, the way your heart opens up to anyone, so spontaneous and scary... yet absolutely enthrancing.
The way you are everything I am not, the way I dream I could be.
Open, true, real, that’s what you are.
My head is filled with songs of snow, night, stars and lights.
Like walking in the snow under the bright lights on the 23rd of December, when the crowd is out, enjoying the weather with their loved ones, wearing fluffy hats and long scarves.
The coats may be dark, but the faces are flushed, the cheeks are pink, the eyes are bright and shine in the evening.
They shine with joy and excitement.
Just like mine when I look at you.
I don’t need a fireplace.
I don’t need a coat.
I don’t need a hat or some gloves.
I just need to see you believe in me, you believe this is right.
That we are made for this.
Each other.
I need to see the hesitation before you take my hand, the hope I’ll still be here when you open your eyes, as though you were scared I’d fall apart in your touch.
I need to see the slight flinch of your gaze when I hold onto you like a lifeline.
I just need you and your eyes.
Because I am warm in the hope of your eyes.

We all have the same envelope.
Our bodies are different, but they look the same.
Bodies are worthless.
They mean nothing.
The way the soul carries the body is infinitely more important.
People carry themselves a certain way
It is their tell
People carry different hurts in life
You can never know how a person has been wounded
What type of weapon was used
Where it struck
How long it took to heal
If it sealed itself shut
If it is still sore from the blow
If the wound reopens from time to time when no one is watching
If any phantom pain rear its ugly head every now and then
You can never know
And for that reason
Always hold a person like the most precious stone.

I can't tell if you're busy
With the new life that you're living
Or if you never cared for me at all
I can't tell if you'll change your mind
Walk back and pick up my hand
Or if you forgot I was right behind you
I can't tell if you ignore me
To get a rise out of me
Or if I never mattered to you anyway

Dreaming is good.
But dreaming is bad, because it hurts.
Dreams die.
You grow up thinking you are invicible, forever amazing.
You grow up realizing it does not work that way.
You grow up to realize the people around you want you to be safe.

Life isn’t about being daring anymore.
Life is about having a safe future.
Pick a safe job.
Live your life.
Enjoy it when you can.

But the fireceness of life leaves you.

Adults burn the fire in you.
Cold water on your dreams, wash them all away.
Adults throw you in the wilderness to make you realize.
Realize life is not a game anymore.
Adults burn the fire in you.
They feed your insecurities.
Cultivate your fears.
Then feed them back to you.
They’re scared. They don’t want you to face a wall of disappointements.
But they won’t let your try, either.
Adults burn the fire in you.
Not consciously.
Slowly.
Mysteriously.
And suddenly you, with all your dreams in your heart, face doubt.

Doubt.

The worst feeling.
Worst than love. Worst than hate.
Doubt.
Sinuously cracking your hopes and dreams.

Doubt, creeping in your mind, burning bridges.

Doubt, expanding every time you hesistate.

Doubt, forever in your head.

Doubt burned my dreams to ashes.

Doubt washed them all away.

I have never lied to you
When I said I was ready to go all in
I took the jump
You never followed
I have discovered
At the bottom of the cliff
A brand new life
And the people there
They don't hurt me
They hold my hand
And look into my eyes
They lit a fire in my veins
In my eyes
They let them shine
My eyes are bright
And my hands are always warm
My being is connected
To the people who care

I have never been so glad
To take a fall

I am rich from all the things I have lost
When they come into my life I inhale the novelty
I learn what there is to learn
And take what there is to take
I store it in a box under my bed
I am a dragon sleeping over my treasure to protect it
There is no point in holding on to what is given
They take it away when you dangle it in front of them
They want it back
Eventually
So I take and hide it
Then transform into a dragon
And scare them away
*(Late at night, I rise and grab that box)
I
Open
The
Box
And
Peek
(In it I can see all the treasures you couldn't take away from me)

It only takes a second to melt
To the sight of what once could have been.

Waking up is the worst part.

I still have weird fantaisies about you and me
I wish
You were in my emergency contacts
When I get drunk
I have your name on my lips and my silence as a price
I walk on eggshells just to keep being your friend
I wish
I could stop, but drugs are a too tough
And I don't know how to quit you.

You only look
You never see
Right through me

The twinkle in your eyes has faded
And with it so has your face
From my memories

You paint the truths
With colors of lies

Ton regard est une flamme
Je suis une bougie
Mais tu n'as d'yeux que pour elle
Alors que je m'éteins

Clear blue eyes
Trained straight ahead
Skip through me
A step along the way... long...

...

...Forgotten.
Her past is red and black,
Coal and fire;
Her future is blue and white,
Opening her mind to a whole new
Sky.
She doesn't realize I am
Broken
Or perhaps she knows
But still she
Ignores.

You're a forest fire and I'm nature
Started as a spark in the deep of the night
And light up my entire universe
The fire did not hurt at first
Too busy to admire your light
I didn't feel the burn
But the burn,
Oh, the burn,
Is so painful, so hard to escape
You're lighting me on fire
And turning me to black and ashes
When all I wanted was a little warmth
A little light
But you're turning me to black and ashes

Nothing really matters
Not when I'm on my own
Not when I'm all alone
Thinking to myself
This is what you get
You go around thinking you know everything
Thinking you know better than everyone
When really they know better than you
You
Who
Don't even remember the last time you said you loved someone
You
Who
Live on your own and think it's all good when you're just lying to yourself
Lying
Lying
Just lying
Because the truth is too hard to handle
Because the truth is that you are guilty for feeling sad
You have everything you could ask for
A family that loves you
A good situation
Food on the table every night
A few friends who cares
The opportunity to study abroad
The chance to travel around the world at least once a year
The perfect life
You've got it all
And yet you feel sad, more often than not
And you don't want to think about it or complain
Because those are feelings you shouldn't ever have
Your life is perfect
You've got it all
Why would you ever be sad
When people are homeless?
When people are abused?
When people die of hunger?
When people are killed?
When people have reasons to be unhappy?
Why would you ever be sad?
You don't get to be sad when you have a perfect life
You don't get to complain
You get to sit in your room and cry when no one is watching
Because you're ashamed of your feelings
You get to act tough and untouchable when all you want is to crawl into somebody's arms and let them hug you
But you don't
Because your situation is good
And you have no reason to be sad
They all tell you to cut it out
You can't even sigh because nothing
Nothing
Nothing is wrong with your life
And you feel ashamed
Guilty
Guilty all the time
But the people in your life
They don't even see it
They don't see the hurt
Just the façade
No one ever tried to look over your wall and watch as the ruins of yourself burn and explode in pain
Pain because no one is here to built anything with you
No one cares enough to see you are just a shell of perfection
A shell of a person
A shell that can break under someone's feet
You are more than that
And no one sees it
Because they don't even care
They don't bother
They have problems of their own
Guilty because you were born on the good side of the barrier
You know the taste of good food
You know the feeling of a good bed
You've got it all and it's not enough
And as you break inside no one watches and you crumble
And your shell of perfection holds on
It holds on and on and on
And maybe forever it will stand
Leaving you behind those high walls, on your own, in your shield
Alone and scared and ashamed and guilty and hurt
And smiling
Smiling because you can't be sad

You can try
But you can't see
The words that I need
To feel free

We both look away
I walk up, look down
Pretend not to see
The gap in my chest
My heart in your hand
Casually slung over your shoulder
Like everything else
I ever gave to you.
*(and my pockets are full of empty promises)

Ghost
I'd never known what it meant to be one
Until I saw
You
Wearing your dead boyfriend's shirt.
I thought nothing of you then
But love has a funny way of bringing people together
And that is how, two months later
I thought to myself, "I will marry her someday"
Fast foward two months later
I forgot everything I thought of you then, maybe the most important, the Ghost part.
and your skin
So pale,
and your attitude
Hot and cold,
and I think
Who am I in love with?
How do you have so many personnalities?
Do I love the pre-dead boyfriend version you get to be on Good Days?
Do I love the broken up version that sleeps in his unwashed sheets?
And then.
I see you lying on his grave, murmuring things like you did to me
And I
B
R
E
A
K
You were never in love with me?
You were always in love with him?
I was never my own person?
I stood in place of the person you wanted alive
Buried 6 feet under.
And I remembered.
You are a ghost.
You died with him.
You died four months ago.
Funny how a ghost can look so human.
How can a ghost Break a Human Heart so Thoroughly?

Please explain to me
Why I'm so lonely