you were shrieking about your problems
your teeth were all about this material world
everything was all about you
because that's how you wanted it
you loved yourself
and only yourself

you were spitting money of all currencies and kind
you adore them like how i adore humankind
you boast loudly about the material things you own
you loved your things so much, you turned into one
and you think people would actually love you

boisterous laughs were hidden behind the old brick wall
the you i used to know were a pigment of the past
you are now pitch-black, self centered and selfish

the pit can simply be covered with mud or a beautiful plant
but you dig deeper and fall and ask for succor
because that's what you crave for after all

she had seen an entity
emerge from the river at five
spoken to another being at thirteen
some things are visible
only to her eyes

she was adored and loved
standing beautifully
her cigarettes were lucky
to be held by her fingers

an invisible book
was on top of her head
she had a beautiful voice
and she dressed well

people fled to countries
but the mad woman
fled to different realms

you were there on his last night
and was there on the night
we stumbled upon
an unfamiliar house
the creatures were making
a peculiar sound
it was the strange place we inhabited
for as long as we could be brave

you were with me when i lost a limb
you saw grief and tropical storms
right through my eyes
you heard words come out
of my mouth, they were all
in past tense and shaky

the best four years a teenager could have
i have spent them with you
i gave you my trust, my blood
and our promises
you met the 3am version of myself
which i believed that is ours
only to keep

i could not fathom the grief
of losing a limb
nor the grief
of seeing our strange house
collapse right in front of me
but the concrete was made of trust

you contended that you were here
to extend succor, immediate aid
to a grieving soul, to your friend
you came in crowds extending
sympathy as how i've seen it
little did i know that succor
meant pulling the trigger

when the tectonic plates
and the seismic waves
bends the buildings
and crumbles to the ground

when the tropical storm
named after me
pull the tress from its roots
floods the households
and all the different routes

or when your 3am uncertainties
scare you, and you would howl
and howl and howl
but who will you run to?

the most crucial thing
in every existing connection
in the boundless hoop
would be time

it could start and end
if it wants to  
it wouldn't care and pause
for your overflowing
blob of emotions
drowning your lungs
along with your organs

let me tell you,
i was a victim of time too
but oh, there are things
you don't deserve to know
anymore

before i go to sleep i look at you
in a myopic view, thanking a higher power
that i'm seeing someone so beautiful
i never want to lose

looking at you always feels like the first time
when i never had an inkling of how gentle
the light of this love could be
and waking up next to you
would be something that i'd look forward to

i belong to you, even after yelling
i belong to you, even after crying
i belong to your chest as i sleep
and my hands belong to yours
as i weep

and honey, your soft skin
your stubby fingers
and your tiny eyes
will forever be my home

it was hail
and there were
chunks of ice
down the road

the glass were covered
with moist  
i wrote a love letter
hoping the sun
wont wipe it away
i want you to read it

the orb of the night
was the only source
of light
brighter than
your headlights
which you never turned on

but before you even escape
the nightmare
think about me
because in the end
the blame will always be
on me

the five days was a constant battle
between all the things
that ever existed

your thoughts were strewed
and your legs were too skinny
your arms can be measured
by your thumb and pinky

that stream of verbal consciousness
uttered nothing but prayers
between the dusky hours

i lost a limb on the fifth day
that empty hallway with dimmed lights
and the realizations with frustrations
the machines stopped working

it was more than tropical storms
and depressions, more than
mayhem, it scares me more than
the turbulence hundred miles
above the ground

it was an inestimable amount
of tragedy and heartaches
you begged for him to live
and yet it wasn't given to you

i cannot be angry at God
he wants you back
all i can really do
is wait for you
and **still pray for you

my hopes were like
beanstalks towering over
the people below
the kind of beanstalk
that jack would climb

the doctors said that
your chance of surviving
were smaller than my
right pinky
the one i used
when we promised
to see the northern lights
the ruins of the civilizations
and your mother

but i still believed
that you would live
that you would talk
and you would walk
after all i got it from you

your hands were getting colder
but i still held it tightly
like how you held mine
after you lost me
in a circus crowd

you stopped eating
and the machines
were helping you
survive for another hour

your arteries
were blocked
and your brain
was bleeding
but i still believed

until the day your spirit
left your body at 3:42
you left me living
on earth with monsters
that loved me
when you left

i still believed
that you were alive
that you would talk
and you would walk

but you bought
a one way ticket
to paradise
and you are never
coming back

you don't deserve a word
not even a poem
how does it feel
when you lost the people
you confessed you "love"

how did it feel
when your own medicine
ran through your throat?
how does it feel
to steal so much time
from someone who treasured it?
holding it close to her chest
against her rib cage

how does it feel
to steal something you don't own
from a family you "care" for

and how does it feel?
to see someone who loves me
better than you do
because you thought
no one could ever love me like you

we met only every midnight
by the dark sea in moonlight
where the driftwood pile
of our common heart ache
was put on top of the other
to burn it down
and mourn for a little

we had too much whisky
with a decaying *****
pressing our nicotine lungs
staring at the hopeless fire
and stepping on the dark sand

we belonged to no one
and no where
the earthquake vibrated
our empty soul
leaving the driftwood pile

with the thin air
the warmth of fire
and the sentimental shore
that night we planned
our tender demise

his eyes glared at my soul
wondering what dwells inside
or how it would shrivel
after the rigors of winter

his lungs and liver
were worn out
every after sky scrappers
were created

he walked everywhere
wearing his belief
that two people
are only meant to last
for a few bottles of beer
two shots of *****
and the human bodies
are not made for the long run

i'm building the walls higher
than it was since the last time
every time i realize
that this could be it
this could be the daydream
but could also be the nightmare

how many cuts should your words make
for me to realize which one is the deepest?
how many times do we have to curse
and fool ourselves that you do it
just because you were angry
how many mistakes do we have to make
to finally decide that it's over?

we are here for another chance for true happiness
it makes you love what you loathe and loathe what you love
it would make you forget and would make you remember
but did anyone warn you about drowning?

i loved salt water that healed my cuts when i drowned
and i didn't count how many times you cursed
nor counted the mistakes you made
accepted the ones that you have yet to make
and never will i decide for it to be over

they would only focus on the good angles
on the lighter side, the most colorful ones
and when people see the tragedies on its corner
they stop, they take one step back
pull themselves away and would carve
that it was never beautiful at all

when everything turns a shade darker
darker than the latter
when the walls start to crack
and everything else crumbles to ground
i will always find a way to fix it
and look at it like it was never broken

he’s wrong
he’s done terrible things
any, that you can think of
he’s been behind the old rusted bars
exchanged bullets with a stranger
as if they were having
a casual exchange of words
then ran and ran
and then i asked
do you even know how to shoot a gun?

crystals and the night stars were his friends
seeing them blurred
with the tears that filled his nights
and dreams that filled his thoughts

do someone like you even dream? do you even have a dream
Yes, I did.
no sister, no brother, no mother, no father
hated seeing kids with mothers
kids with fathers
kids with sisters
kids with brothers

having fist fights for lunch
and breaking legs for dinner
like wish bones
and a broken promise of a father
but there was life, lightyears away
because the night stars and crystals
left him bare, naked and jaded

carried a little boy on his arms for the first time
and said
i have a dream, i want this little boy
to have a mother
to have a father
to have a sister and a brother

every vertebrae vibrates
and cracks with every move i make
tried to put food in my mouth
but never really eat
close my eyes but never fall asleep

apathy is eating me whole
alive and unhealthy
words were uttered
promised as if a contract was signed
but a vow is just a set of words
its a myth
a myth you always believed in
like how you believed in tooth fairies
and wishing stars
like how i believed when you said
you will always be there
and like how i believed when you said
you were fine

the cuban missile crisis is waiting to be read
but nothing really comes into your head
every second is doubtful
i hated seconds, time and space
the culprit of desolations
even worst than famines and wars
because the worst scarcity
would be time itself

when time nudges you awake
a remnant of an hour earlier is left
in a snap the left part of his body was numb
and he uses his right to hold you hand
to squeeze it tightly and would never let go
like how tightly you held me when
i was about to drown during our
swimming lessons when i was but
a little girl believing
she was a real mermaid
uses his conscious eye to take a mili-second glimpse
and calls your name when he is in pain

everyone repeats their questions more than once
because he wouldn't hear
they always asked if he sees them
because his left eye couldn't see
it was never like that

you weren't that guy in a hospital gown
not even the one who couldn't walk by himself
you weren't him. that wasn't you
you were strong, you could walk and talk
you were the team captain and the coach
a father of four and a dreamer
you weren't that guy. *you will never be that guy

you were seasick
but you don't know
where it came from
or where you feel  
the discomfort
the agony
or the shooting pain

you lose sense of time
and days were taken for granted
the sea monsters
were pulling you down
and the creatures
that only existed
in your mind
broke loose
like pandora's box

they liked walking
on your ribs
and would feel their
curves and edges

tremors and heartaches
continued like how
the trees quivered
and were carried out
by the hurricane

people look at you
as if they've been to
the peak of your
highland mountain
from the base
but only sees
the tip of the iceberg

do you see how you destroyed
the ruins of an eccentric critter
making use of what's left

she was trying to rebuild a city
during the weekday hurricane
that never stopped
it just gets stronger and stronger

do you know what kind
of critter i am? do you have an idea
of how i adore the horizon
and how i loathe its existence
for i lost during its time

of how i loved staying up at 3am
but it haunted me after september?
you wouldn't know what's hidden
beneath the cracks of my white walls
or under my soiled sheets

i am a detonated bomb
an overflowing dam of heartache
or an active volcano
that could no longer be contained
but i have creative ways
to make room for more

you don't know what's under my bed
and how it scares me every night
you don't know how i tried to love
everything that's left
you don't know how i fought
the whirlpool in the green lake
and you would never know
how i swam against the current

i thought you were my other half
an extension of my left limb
and both legs
but it was on my list
of infinite regret

the city was fine
until you decided to stay
causing havoc
and midnight witchcraft
that makes the night wolves
howl in the full moonlight

but, do you see it?
we just lost a paramount element
in the parallel connection that we have
and dear, im afraid we might lose that, too

our books taught too much of it
until we inhaled its black outline
and let them sink in our young minds
until we get old

we believed it was made
out of high mountains
crisp white snow, where there
it was never too hot or too cold
where there, nothing is too dark
or too bright

magic in our young eyes has no paradox
only paradise, where we dwell
and hoped to dwell

until we got old
where the back of our old eyes
smelled the reek of our magic
where the light could get too dark
and the weather could get too cold

but still i found sunlight and warmth
in your eyes
then our old minds realized
that this is real magic

the ice sliced the street while counting the paced steps under my breath. we're all here for the temporary feeling — the things that kept us alive, the books that were written, the songs that were sang. your demitasse of cold coffee and glass of sangria with fruits that was drenched in the cold blood of wine. the intervals of your horrible sanity, the tingling edges of your pulse and the pain in its very unusual degree. the infinite possibilities of what can be taken away from you until you actually run out of things to write about or realizing that nothing is meant to last for more than lightyears away in time.

you loved beer with an alcohol content more than your body could contain. he's lovely and you nudge him in the most delicate of ways because he's beautiful. you whisper the words you wanted to hear and he whispers back. you crawl up in your sheets and submerge yourself into your supernatural thoughts another brain deserves to hear. you walk in the most dangerous labyrinth of the island under the orange street lights thrusting up from the earth and still hear the humming birds eating biscuits dipped in yellow honey — it was gentle waves and light brown eyes tingeing its soft edges hands touching in the cold weather kind of safe. you end the night together with too much alcohol and red cheeks with a numb swollen feet but it's still what you wanted.

you went everywhere and you love it. he's a fictional varmint, too beautiful to be real, but he is. like how the shadows shifts from his small eyes down to your shoulder blades. everything about him and you were like carved on tablets and trees with names written on love letters. you love him because he's real, his rawness engulfs your soul and you know it, he's made for you and you were made for him because you've seen him without using your eyes, how your limbs would fill in the gaps and how the sound waves of your laughs will echo in the chambers of your organs.

you love wine and pour them every single morning and it tasted better than water but he's still the same and everything gets better and better like how your night lamp dimmed in reverse and in the worst of the worsts — a series of perpetual warfare and a great pertinacity of agony kind of worst — you still cling to the moment the Founder of the universe and all the elements of fate, time and space brought you to that day you met. in each accession of the most unfortunate circumstance, there is something that you wanted which makes you want to feel another mili second of tomorrow and another and another.

you could walk a two hundred mile trail
under the moonlight solace
or sit on the most profound corner
of your black hole
spend two hours on what ifs
and contemplate on why nots

write about the people you loathe
and sing to the people you adore
you could do anything
and be anything

but whatever i am or whoever i was
was a residue left on your christmas plate
lingering in the dark halls of your thoughts
and breathing in your monday day dream

beginnings are ideally beautiful
but we didn't have one
so i carried it with me
letting it crawl on my veins
my heart and in my brain
while he holds my burning hand
kisses my burning cheeks
and carrying my white bones

he stayed, when i left him
over and over
he tried when i gave up
over and over
still i thought,
that maybe
he does not love me at all

until i recognized
my silly brain
my silly thoughts
and silly fears

he does love me
but my brain
created the catastrophes
and embellished
the tremblings
in my heart

but he was there
holding me tightly
calming the storms
in my deadly brain
whispering
that he will stay

why should i leave
this boy who tried
over a battle my brain created
and a problem
i never solved

until i told my silly brain
to start a new beginning
with the boy
who tried again
because true love belongs
to those who never failed
to try again
and again
and again

it's been five months
since you left
where could you possibly be
what realm are you venturing
or are you sleeping tightly

i couldn't bear this world
where adversaries just ****** up
from the mounds of the earth
and spawn from one another
but still you said,
this world always deserves
another shot

i could've asked you more
talked to you more
wrote with you more
and drink with you more

i wanted to tell you
about my cold beer
and the people i've met
i wanted to tell you
about him
and *how i wish you've met

i know how you buried
your soul in our sand
how you wrapped your arms
around everyone i love
how you desperately held them
and how desperately
i asked you to leave

i wonder how long you'd stare
if you see my eyes
that don't look at you the same
the happiness piercing from behind
but you weren't here long enough
to be the reason why

i'm sorry to leave you
when i confessed that i wouldn't
i'm sorry to steal a future
that could have been with you
i'm sorry for the damage i caused
and the promises that were left
in thin air

i still remember every stain
on the heirloom fabric
but every now and then
i ask myself if everything
really happened

i miss everything
but i don't want you back
*****

we all wrote about taking risks
holding tighter on the rope
enclosed with fear
wreathed with high hopes
and boxed with it's bitter end

we were at the table edge
you approached me first
and i said yes
you puff your cigarette
in a different direction
and i thought it was kind

we kissed a few bottles of beer
with a slight throbbing
under my first tattoo
which was caused
by you or the alcohol

i could't deny that your soft skin
subtle eyes
and your eavesdropping ear
were like thin threads
that sewed a part of my skin
i always hoped for you
to be part of

i want to see you in the same room
under the same light
i want this to happen again
but oh, i am just a girl
and you are just a boy
hopelessly gambling
our ways to forever

may i ask? since when did you not like here
and since when did you cry on a new year
didn't we swear to always bury our feet
until the skirmishes of the day descends?

you saw all our pipe dreams and hopes
even under the darkest sky and the cold weather
but why have you lost them under the blinding rays?

our world was only of the sweetest scent
was only of the most beautiful sunlight
and was only of the kindest critters and souls.

they left and they were meant to
may it be in this lifetime or not
it's not anyone's fault
and no one deserves the blame.

should you not drown yourself
in the salt water, where it doesn't belong
instead face up the sky
until the storm calms
and the sun comes
and we shall repeat
until our time comes

this wavelength of reality
this human world
full of catastrophes
one over the other
again and again
and again

can we just be
in a dimension where
we don't have to worry
and guess
if you will still
be here with me
tomorrow?
or the love that we shared
will stay the same?

the smell of our world
or the way you love your coffee
the gravity of our steps
your boisterous laugh
and your short temper

i love how stupid your jokes are
but still, it makes me laugh
isn't this our goal?
to laugh until our dentures fall off
and to let our grandchildren know
that they wouldn't be here
if you didn't ask me out
and i didn't say yes

it’s really never the same love twice. you’ll always look for what’s lacking, the missing brick on that wall, the strands and what makes up each element. it goes that way, but when will enough be enough and what is enough? it’s staring in the strangest of ways and knowing what kind of monsters were inside or for how long you left the water running and how you secretly hoped he passed you notes and letters because you’re beautiful. it’s peculiar, it’s different, it’s how deep the cut was and how you try to stuff the misadventures inside your skin and wait for it to heal – and you actually think you’re healed. not knowing that an emotional void was left to stay forever but he said that the love of two people would fill everything in and i will eventually find out why my mom’s soul and his dwelled on each other even after death, even after death.

it was almost two decades ago
when you looked down
at me from the glass window
i was hours old

yesterday i looked down at you
and read your head stone
i am nineteen years old

i wonder how old you look now
or if you are finally happy
i also wonder where you are
and would you hear me when i say sorry?

sorry when i said yes when you said no
sorry when i didn't answer your call
sorry when you told me come home
and i didn't

now all i want is for you to say no
for you to call
for you to tell me to come home
and i would

silly how we take the small hours for granted
silly how we think we have a lot of time
and silly how we think they would stay

should i be angry at God
for all the fractures in my bones
or do i look for anyone to blame
when i thought our world
smelled only of lavander

we appear only to feel home
to feel heaven in someone else's soul
and forget we're of the earth
forget that there will be more damage
even more catastrophic than the other

and we adore another soul
as if our skins were never burned
but we try to love them deeper
and end up in the salt mines

sometimes i wish i wasn't here
under the white sheets
soiled in salt water
seeing the emptiness
of this world
beside someone you truly love
hearing him sleep soundly
while you sleep
with a broken heart

there would be days
that i would forget
how we met
and why we met

there would be days
that i wouldn't understand
what i should understand

there would be days
that i would be too blind
to see what i should see

and there would be days
that i wouldn't be
what i should be

but, i hope you would
when i couldn't

The gleaming water of high
Profusely flowed through my tiny body
My tiny skull couldn’t muster
The planets, the stars and the sea
And everything inside me

It was beautiful, I thought
I was the queen
And I was the king
I was the sun
The moon
And the stars

Until I plummeted
From my own universe high
Heavy and deep down below
Barely looking up
From the fathoms below

an alcohol infused less than five-feet human being also feels like what humans could feel, to find someone who would really love you is phenomenal. it could feel like the first day of high school or the ringing bell. opening birthday presents or the thin ice cold mint that travels through your nostrils. lifting your right feet up higher than you can or for as long as you could hold his hand during the winter storm. stepping on the sand feeling the corals and the caudal fins of those miniscule creatures inhabiting the sea where you lingered burying your feet deeper and deeper feeling them dissipate. smelling freshly baked cookies or pouring moscato in the morning. wearing a different pair of socks and checking the doorknob 42 times. pulling a microscopic thin thread out of your plastic button or making sure that the wooden tiles are staying where they should. washing your hands every after five minutes or smelling the musk of a new book. writing while you wonder where he could be, would he love the strokes or the way you chase the changing weather? the way you carelessly laugh and your creative ways to put life in the jungle varmint or putting your head on his chest and feel like you belong there, that's when you know that there is something sweeter than heirloom wine.

I could no longer breathe
The air inside our room
I could no longer stand
His deep sleep
With my deep eyes

The pillow was sipping my salty tears
And my organs were begging to leave
But I don’t know what to do
Because my body was too cold
I don’t have a hand to hold
And my story could never be told

He said he didn’t want a girl
Who couldn’t take care of herself
He said I was “messed up”,
A “psychotic *******”
But I knew I really loved him
Because I didn’t hate him
After spitting those words to me
While I was down in the dump
And had no one to run to

He never saw
That I loved every part of him
Every emotion, every inch of his skin
Every part that I have yet to know
But now I know
That he only loves me when I’m happy

I don’t know how he could sleep
While watching me swim in my tears
But I can tell you that he still loves me
Because I heard him said he’s sorry
But then he yelled again

He said he didn’t want to hear me cry
For a second I thought it was sweet
And he yelled and yelled
And told me to leave
But he was the one who left
So I have no where to go
For the place I call home
Asked me to leave him alone

they loved sundays
a time for family
good food
weekend stories
and hunting

there was a cottontail
adored by the wolves
they caressed her
and gave her a loving home
where she could run free and roam

it wasn't a problem, she thought
it was a simple banter in the wild
simple words said in the woods
but i tell you it would do no good

she was young and naive
raised to respect
but they were old and wise
which she did not expect

when she was lost in the woods
the little cottontail did not know
that they were wolves
a predator in the wild
and she was their helpless little prey
begging them to go away

you asked me before you left
and i asked myself when you left
how could you love someone
who is not yours?

you don't belong to me anymore
i'll never see another day with you
another sunset, another sunrise
another episode

i shall say goodbye
to the nights when i weep
with my tears in your arms
i shall say goodbye
to the laughter, stories
and the things you promised
to keep

but how will i forget?
a life that we built
and the love that we had?
and how will i forget?
the night you told me
that you want to grow old with me
and the day that you said
you are tired of me
now i ask, how long did you love me?

what do you have against me?
you're only scared of a baby
an unborn child
and a happy family

maybe you don't know
how much i love him
or how tight i embraced him
after he piled my clothes
on his front door

maybe you don't know
how i accept him
his anger and his howls

maybe you don't know
how he sees home
in my eyes

maybe you don't know
how he loves me
oh, so honestly

oh, maybe
that's what you have
against me
i have true love
and you don't

he may have left me
when he said he wouldn't
he may have yelled
when he said he'd stop
but i know deep down
we had something good

he's the only boy i married
at least in my heart
but marriage is a lifetime commitment
it's for those who don't leave
for those who love
and for those who are faithful

i've spent 1,095 days with him
but i do not wish to have my time back
for it was a beautiful time
and it was a beautiful love
that i thought would never end

three years ago
i lost a home
never belonging anywhere
wandering and writing poems
that never belonged to anyone

until today, as i watch him
lay his head gently
drifting slowly
and lightly

what did i do to deserve this?
this kind of love
that makes me hope
the kind that makes me dive deep
without knowing what lies beneath

i never thanked God so much
until i met him
my home, my serenity
the only love of my life
and to whom my poems of love
solely belong to

i woke up on the other side
my stomach devoured my poor brain
my heart sank up to my fat legs
then my body melted under the bed

i heard you were gone
so little, so pure
believed that everyone
were good
and was never aware
of the predators
outside the woods

i believed you fought
but never had the chance
poor little body
on the ****** floor
but she still waited
by the white door

so tonight,
i put my hands together
and silently pray
for my helpless
helpless little prey

i like having you around, i love watching you sleep – wondering if your eyes are really closed while you reach for my little hand. i feel safe when i'm with you even in the dark. the sheets were too wrinkled and everything was silent. i told myself, this is it – this is what i want, i want to see and feel this for the next seventy years of my life. i want to fall asleep after laughing and crying with you, even after a bad day, and after everything silently folds underneath. i never wrote about love and agreed about what i said until i wrote about you. every trace and metaphors would feel like gloves you would try on. it fits, it makes sense and it belongs to you and only to you. the hours and everything around us shifts in proximity and was beautifully orchestrated in the air. i want to stay here, i want this again tomorrow, i want you again tomorrow and would still want you the day after tomorrow and the next, and the next.

he gave me nostrums
that calmed me
he asked about the
protruding ladder lines
on my left arm

he asked about my dead dad
and the life i had
i told him i'm happy for now
while begging the Lord for a new brain

i mourned and mourned
for losing the person i was
the one that did not depend
on nostrums for stability
the one that did not spend
nights on the cold bathroom floor

i know i can't be cured
and will live with this brain forever
i decided to love parts of me
that i could never change
and accepted that my salty tears
would never heal my bipolar brain

it was an ordinary day
and i did something
that my parents should have done

i brought myself to a strange building
that has nice people inside
then i heard the beats of my honest heart
in every step i took

he looked at me politely
without a drop of judgement
along with his kind eyes
and helping hand

he offered water
placed a tissue box
between him and i
then i knew he expected me
to see him blurred
in my wet eyes

heirloom filthy secrets
and conflicts
from one blood to another
how horrid!

i saw talking animals
and snakes
who offered me hugs and help
when my dad left
i know who you are
he knows who you are

do not ever speak of him
he hates you
and do not ever speak of me
i do not like you

how high are you sitting
on your mountain throne?
built on gleaming lies
with your feet
on top of the people you destroyed
and continue to destroy

purity and perfection
should never come out
of your muddy mouths
because we know
i know
and you know
who you really are