I don’t think of you that often
The eyes and faces all turned themselves towards me
Love no one
However, we may suffer
It’s funny, if you do, you start missing everybody
And I’m afraid
My failures: I had not forgotten them
To have survived so long
It happened, I stopped loving him.

There is a life
In words
That everyone
Couldn't witness.

The life in it itself
Is an oxymoron;
Fills you with joy
And makes you cry.

Happiness is fictional
Suffering is factual
Joy melts and
Pain freezes.

Read more
Be alone,
Find the joy
In the solitude it brings.

Write syllables in torment
Let them kiss each heart it is read
Let the agony rejoice in words
And let the joy weep in pain.

Let the world of pain
Dissolve in every note of music
Let it disperse in each cheerful mind
And **** all the lives of mythical muse

I need to scream
But can't seem to get these words out
It's hard to breathe
And I can't seem to shake this doubt
I'm feeling weak
My pain still lives within this pencil
Hard to speak
But I hope I can Repent still

It's hard to see
Heavy rain's falling from the clouds
It's hard to hear
With this thunder shouting loud
A scattered Breeze
Keeps hitting like a Knock
A steady Beat
Like ticking from the Clock

A torn up sheet
Still haunts me by the lamp
An Awful read
With its envelope and stamp
Hard to believe
The contents of your letter
Our mother's gone
When just last week you said that she felt better

How can it be
A complication with her heart
Wish it was me
This is tearing me apart
A horrid dream
I'm swallowed up by fear
Mamma don't go
Because I still need you here

The size of our suffer
Is relative to each other
Like gas between walls
It evenly falls
What fills our breath
Doesn’t seem to matter
Because between sickness and death
We choose the latter

They use my heart as a toy
They enjoyed the way I suffer
Threw me against the wall
Breaking my parts
But i still love
To make you laugh.

He remembers a
curvature too straight to exist, surreal
but a childhood in the bloodstream.
Listen to what must he say, listen to
what he cannot say.
With three steps, lock a reason with
the old scotch like his ink beneath
the table.
Screams followed the
futility that loved to linger by the
lines; screams sank in the lines too.

Out there in the cold, you and I,
A sacrifice and a song.

My body is hot, within me is a flame, boiling the blood in my veins, my skin is warm & I feel bothered internally.
It won't take much to set me off.
I can't run away from myself, I can't escape these feelings.
I feel like I'm suffocating in myself.
How can I feel better, who will understand, how can I make it go away?
I don't know where to turn...

5am Sunday morning
Quiet throughout the house
Till I hear fumbling around in the kitchen
bang
crash
See you scared out of your mind
You can't get up.
I help you up
You fall again
I help you up
You fall again.
These tears wet my face and I fall to my knees.
It's time for you to go.

As I lay with you waiting to go put you down
The flash of memories rush through my head.
The memories of you saving me from myself I will never forget.
I'm alive because of you.
The memories where you always made me laugh and smile just because I was upset.
But My heart shatters and I can feel sharp pains throughout my body.
It hurts to see you in fear and pain.
Yet you were in pain for awhile
Sorry I couldn't save you.

The car ride to the hospital was the hardest.
As you layed next to me panting and looking up at me scared.
Tore me apart.
Yet you gave me one last kiss
And I felt in the moment I know you loved me and said it's going to be ok.
You gave me signs that you were ready.

We get to the hospital.
I break down because I know I have to be with you when you go.
I needed to comfort you how you comforted me through my dark times and when I was scared.
I hug you
I hold you
I pet you
All these moments and memories.
As we wait for the doctor
I look into your eyes since that's the only thing you could move.
You looked at me and I looked back.
My heart tightens and my.stomach flips upside down.  

I pet you constantly trying to stay strong and not break down.my eyes already puffy,red and aching.
You slowly begin to fall asleep because your relaxed in my arms.
You warmed my heart with the kiss in the car then you relaxed as I've seen all morning.
Then you make me laugh one last time.
You burp loudly.
I'm sobbing yet laughing cause you always know how to make me laugh when I shouldn't be.

Thank you for,
reassuring me.
loving me for me.
making me smile.
making me laugh.
reminding me I'm loved.
But most importantly
Thank you for saving me.
Still wish I could have saved and helped you more.

We knock on the door to let them know it's time.
The doctor explains what's going to happen.
I break down.
She puts the tranquilizer to relax you.
Your heartbeat slows down significantly.
I pet you and comfort you for the last moments on this earth.  
The doctor comes back.
Puts the last injection

All of sudden...
Your heartbeat simply stopped in my hands.
I couldn't even cry in that moment.
I was just so numb I couldn't even process it.

The car ride home felt like it went on for hours.
It felt like the road kept getting longer.
My head was simply numb.
My heart was in my stomach and I can feel the shattered pieces poking me internally.

You had a long amazing life full of love and made everyone happy that met you.
You lightened up the room everywhere you went.
You made me happy when I didn't want to be.
You were the bestfriend I could have ever asked for.
Thank you for saving me.
I'm happy your not in pain anymore.
Thank you for fighting for
so long.

Your forever in my heart.
I love you Brandy.
Goodbye and I will be with you again one day.