It is hard to lose someone
even more so
if they're walking on earths surface
even though your earth; your home; is crushing underneath their footsteps

It is hard to lose someone
even more so
if they're making it hard
by making it easy
to love hate

It is hard to lose someone
even more so
if that person was in your heart but
clawed their way out through phrasial combinations
thinking they were helping it to beat

It is hard to lose someone
and it is incommensurable

See I wanted to write about you and everything that I silently picked up on up
if you're wondering what I picked up on
Body language and cues
The way you tensed up when you were about to hear bad news
your anxiety
how it at times it came crashing down and you didn't know what to do
I reassured you the best way I could  
when you're concentrating or deep in thought about something
( I knew not to disturb you )
opening up to anyone was a task in itself
you hated doing that / I understood
The way you like to sing off key you think you sounded horrible singing wise
I disagreed
Personally, to me, I thought you sounded good
you told me a lot of info about yourself gradually over the months we got to know each other
I told you a lot of things as well
but one thing is for sure I picked up on several things you weren't aware of and I'd never tell you this
but you're easy to read just like a book
if you're annoyed, angry or upset
you might think oh no one cared or  noticed
I noticed
as it was written all over your face meaning you had the most readable ****** expressions
if you're wondering how I knew about your moods
it's simple really I could tell in the tone of your voice
if you were about to cry you had a certain tone of voice that suggested quivering in I'm about break down and cry tone of voice or how you were upset you had a certain way of behaving that let me know either to give you space or to comfort you
if you were mad ( depending on what the issue was / who the individual was and how long ago it was in addition to the details determined everything )
how you'd need space or you felt upset / still brought up the issue no matter how long ago said everything
and how could I forget your favorite songs the way you hummed them
favorite food and snacks
I still remember the details that you told me
the way we both know I'm fine or I'm okay
is a complete lie when either one of us
is upset mostly you though
when you're upset or down it's like I can sense that your energy is off / vibes are off some way or another
but one thing about our friendship is how we told each other several things
and because of that I still remember how you react
favorite snacks
your dreams and what your plans for the future were
how you handled relationships

How can someone be so good at "GOODBYE" just like you,
**** u know I am nothing without you,
I had the best memories with you,
Why "friends" like you are so few!?

....

i remember feeling excited
thrilled with joy
now i hide away
floating in silence

my insides are lit up
and i am conscious of myself
but my desire has escaped me
who pulled the carpet?

who has such control?
why have i lost my sense of self?
i'm fading, mother

i'm fading

When I look at him I see the hate in my eyes
The jealous rage that lives in my heart
Is the very thing that now tears me apart
Not I felt miserable
Every time I see him with someone
Later days felt incomplete
Feeling my mixed emotions
Felt my heart beats

I love you, they're the hardest words to say
but the easiest to engage in mind, sometimes.

Deeply flawed man I am,
drowning in my images
my escape from reality
well, sometimes, sometimes
face it head on;

I love the ways your hair soothes the storm,
within, blasting the wolf from it lair, your
hand softens my tense frame, this
pen shakes.

I love your flaws, they seal my wounds and I too
can help seal and heal yours.

There is no but here,
it's from the heart, so take it
eat, and let's dance amongst the stars
as sprits of the animal night,
eternally;

I know it's sentimental
I can't help the way the woods made me,
carved out of clay, stay a little longer
make me happy, this is the way, lay
down and hold my hand as I slip,
I will grip yours when you trip -

Back into the mire, into the murk, we shall be together, forever
in these woods, two wolves amongst the sheep, howling at the moon,
is it ever too soon?

I don't think so, no.
Show me your heart -
I can take away the pain.

As I wane, I wane away in my ivory
tower - craned neck to the stars
I love you, don't explain -
I love you Yulia
no if's or buts,
no refrain.