Can you sense me dear?

Taste how bitter I’ve become?

Hear our old arguments playing in my head?

See me rolling in my grave with every step you take?

Smell the corpse of our feelings rotting?

Feel my eyes burning the back of your neck?

I truly hope you can.

Feel the pain I’ve become numb to.

Your love was orange
And I never really liked orange
Before I could see the bright floating fire
On the sea of your iris’
Orange was the color of forced smiles
Days of sun when the world needs a little rain
But when the sprinkle
Turns to storms
I see you
And you don’t run for cover
You run for me
And I can see my orange
My sunset heart
For the first time
And I could cry
All the velvets and rivers and fields
But all I want is orange

You want to feel,
You cut yourself,
You want to taste,
You drink alcohol,
You want to hear,
You listen to yelling,
You want to see,
You watch ****,
You don't want to feel,
You leave with drugs,
You don't want to taste,
You starve yourself,
You don't want to hear,
You yell back,
You don't want to see,
You sleep.

You want to feel,
You experience human warmth,
You want to taste,
You kiss the one you love,
You want to see,
You look into their eyes,
You want to hear,
Sweet nothings.

We didn't see the wind
We didn't see the rain
We didn't see the way
His eyes were sinking in

We didn't hear the storm
We didn't hear the thunder
We didn't hear the way
His voice grew vacant

We didn't feel the humidity
We didn't feel the cold
We didn't feel the way
His hands gripped ours

We didn't taste the water
We didn't taste the salt
We didn't taste the way
His words that were meant to invoke

We didn't smell the air
We didn't smell the tang
We didn't smell the way
He didn't take a shower

We didn't see him heal
We didn't hear him cry
We didn't feel him here
We didn't taste his pain
We didn't smell his self-hate

We didn't want to look
That far into him

I am everywhere, the shadow remains of the girl I was supposed to be.
This amazing girl, full of life and oh so sweet. She whispers to me sometimes in my sleep.
I wish I could see her again, hear the silent voice before it cracks like a tweak underneath your shoe.
In the park without trees, I remain still. I made my bed, crushed underneath my anxieties.
The hope that washes away from me little by little, the sparkle in my eyes replaced by a deep understanding of nothingness. A hollow shadow that can only see.
I am nowhere not now here.
I once lived, really lived once.
But once is not here now and once is not me.
I am the shadow of something that was supposed to be me.

I ask is it weird to say I love you?
Again I ask is it weird to say I love you?
Again I ask is it weird to say I love you?
Is it weird to say I love you?
Is it weird to say I love you?
Is it weird to say I love you
Is it weird to say I love you
Is it weird to say I love
Is it weird to say I love
Is it weird to say I love
Is it weird to say I
Is it weird to say I
Is it weird to say
Is it weird to say
Is it weird
It is

My drum has perforations; now flawed
Mylar parchment once taut on bone
Leaks prose; but each metaphor pored
Percussive skull reverbs teeming tome

Waning instrument yet waxing lyrical
Tympanic threepenny opera still plays
Snare split - verbose ****** spiracles
Whip quick flick of offal; tongue flays

Well weathered but - oh still sensual
Drum bongo crammed with lyrics learned
Skin leathered; worn – still beautiful
Spills tales – well told – well earned  

©pofacedpoetry (Billy Reynard-Bowness – 2018 – All rights reserved)

i always said
i'd die young
i wouldn’t make it
past 40
was that my depression talking
even at age 12
i had that feeling
running through my veins
it just didn’t have a name yet
it's starting
to make sense
now