I would rather write
About this world than
Live in it

I would rather play
Music all day and read
Or wander around

Or waltz into bookstores
And run my hands along
The wooden shelves

I would rather remain
Indifferent to the world
That exists around me

I would rather watch
Humans than actually
Be one of them.

draw a bath. close your eyes.

soak in your bath. (and then sink, lower)

look up, and then higher than that.

read the discourse in the light. read the flutter, the frivolity, the fumes. read it all.

and sing. whisper. scream. rage. rage rage rage rage rage rage rage. sigh. fall back. lament.

pull the stopper. drain your bath. wait.

stand up. stand tall, and then taller than that.

turn and look. really look in the mirror.

but just look. observe. vigilant.

turn away, not ashamed, not proud.

wrap a towel.

step out.

rinse & repeat.

i am forever
stuck
in a flurry of words
while you hurry out
of my
book

and i realize
you
are not
a protagonist
i've made up
in my head and heart

i can only do so much
as to write about you
and make believe
that you were once
beside me
that i'm trying to read
a book that's incomplete

i lost my words
when
i
lost
you

I took a step back
a kiss back
a stare back
a laugh
back
dna
I
dnuof
flesym
a gniod
etelpmoc
elcric

There is art
In your heart
Painting pictures
When I lay
My head down on your chest

There are songs in your eyes
Singing lullabies
When you hover
Pin me down
With your stare

There is a poem
On the tip
Of your tongue
I taste it
When I kiss you

You are tortured
Stereotyped
My jaded lover
I hear it
When you won't talk

My thumb scrolls up and down upon my phone,
allowing me to waste more time out of my day comparing myself to others;
asking myself questions like:
“why don’t I have friends like that?”
“how come I’m not pretty like them?”
determining my worth by the number of likes I get
on the picture I took at least 50 times over,
because the first one just wasn’t good enough.
I hide behind a screen,
lowering my self esteem with every scroll.
instead of living the life I want to live,
living in fear that I will never be “perfect”,
just like the people I see in my phone.
(I need to stop comparing myself to others)

I read to forget
I read to feel
I read to escape
I read to heal

I read to remember
I read to distract
I read to connect
I read to backtrack

I’m okay when I read
but it hurts when I don’t
Characters are my friends
when my real friends won’t

The words are my freedom
from this desolate kingdom
Isolated by feedback and uncontrollable flashbacks

I need release from the pain
To breakout of these chains
They torture my brain
looking to blame

I keep running away
from the grief in my mind
I’m tortured by thoughts
I’m not ready to find

I’m trying to outpace my agony and resentment
But my only liberation is to accept contentment

My bookcase is filling with more empty reads
Who am I kidding, what more could I need

Desperate I stood
Bruised from shame
A man on the edge of decay
With an olive branch
She brought me back
Into her forgiving heart
The next morning self-satisfied
I left without remorse or goodbye