By Abpoetry

Suffered my whole life.
Tryna' keep a job , keep the checks flowing,
Keep the momentum of the ongoing,
I was a pawn of the unknowing,
35 jobs and still nothing felt right,
A black man can only build so much foresight,
Odds was always stacked against me too,
I needed a outlet , I needed to fight,
Then I soon realize being a slave wasn't really an option,
They want you to work til you still in a coffin,
Third eye banged and punched out of my Noggin,
**** prosecution and **** being an object,
A number , a gear in the cog wheel,
Meditate now , I could feel what nature feel,
powers been growing , I don't derive from guilt,
Ask me what I know , you won't believe in the matrix still,
Job / School / Prison , same thing,
Please , bare , witness, vibrate,
Everything , timelines happening all at once,
So in Another I'm probably rich for god sakes,
Been thru a lot , So if Another ***** Tell Me That She Don't
Want Me Cause I'm "Broke",
I Didn't want you anyway.

all night my sister
retches in the toilet
a bug crawls around my own stomach
nothing like hers
i sneak into the kitchen
drink madly from her cup
and swallow her half-chewed food.

god i hope i get it.

those 3 middle schoolers got salmonella
from the kebab place down the street
now
no one ever wants to go i understand
but i
stop by as often as i can.

god i hope i get it.

i only ever see her going into or out of the bathroom
eyes welled, teeth yellow, lunch bag empty
i reach inside my throat
i want to be
like her
but tears leak and ***** doesn't.

god i hope i get it.

last night i finally did. i
shoveled food into my mouth, unable to stop until
my vision blurred and when i
knelt down and watched
murky colors mix with the ceramic reflection
i just felt deceived
the bug was still within me
crawling, creeping, ceaseless torture
unwilling to ever leave.

god i hope i lose it.

I’m in Vietnam right now overlooking the city at 3am watching the ** Chi Minh lights work their shades of violet and jade into the black mass of night.
there’s a lot of poverty out there and with it a lot of generosity.
I commend them for that because while deep-rooted in the garden bed of desolation, I can’t override these frustrations on feeling defeated.
I went to school, participated, put forth the effort and made the grade but the board felt I wasn’t worthy enough when it came to the final test.
the only thing I achieved was retaining monikers such as loser and failure because I have lost and I have failed.
the smallest obstacle had become my biggest hurdle and I am too mentally and physically exhausted to quash it.
each step I take feels frozen and keeps dragging across wet cemented floors
& the skies have listened to my screams
but delivers no answers.
my god, have I given up?
it’s not likely for me to do so.
especially when so much was riding on life.
I watch the motorbikes zoom pass my psyche
as a Tiger beer falls from the balcony and shatters in the debris. a wet heavy sorrow suffocates my heart.
I sob. I weep. I cry. I fall. I wail.
I must resurrect and rise like the sun, the smoke, the symphony but my focus escapes me and I lose my hope.
my mind turns to the system; they decide
who makes a better world and who gets
tucked away in the dust.
but I can’t blame the system, only myself and
my inabilities to try once again until
I’ve reached my success.
I gaze over a man yelling at a woman while roasting a chicken down below.
they’re trying to make it out there on the ***** streets of Saigon.
fighting to survive. one more day. one more time. one more ounce of life.
and my biggest struggle is only with myself.
my stubborn brain clashing against everything I worked so hard for.
beating myself up, tearing myself down,
all that time, money and effort: wasted.
it was all  for nothing, I screamed, it was all for nothing as my half naked woman sleeps behind a green curtain and a red rooster crows at another new day full of possibility.

The rain comes swiftly,
To mourn the loss of another tonight.
Tears from Heaven,
Falling to Earth.
It pours down from the sky,
Drowning out the whimpers of the grieving few.
Was it really just yesterday,
You said you were far too young to die.
I think God agrees,
He keeps the gravediggers,
From laying you in the ground.
Rochester is a sanctum of sadness,
Even though few will ever feel the lose of you.

i did not lose, nor did i win this year.
i only made sure that i would make it.
and though i did, i would not be dancing in glee now.
for deep down in my heart,
that is not a win for me at all.
night after night, day after day,
i drowned in tears ,
but every struggle shattered,
changed me.
i am in so much more pain and rage now;
i want the state of oblivion
in my subconscious mind back.
only i would not wish that because
i have finally patched up the wounds
that my messed-up brain has inflicted
onto my torn heart.
therefore 2024,
the very definite definition of winning
is not the same as winning an Oscar or a Nobel Prize
as defined in the dictionary;
it differs when compared to fighting against
all the odds in life and/or for your life.
but, i believe that..
winning can sometimes mean losing
in the context of objectivity
in life’s entirety,
so we could find a solid footing
in the daily, weekly, and monthly moments
of struggles and challenges
that have made us weak and vulnerable this year.
...
as i wrap everything up this year,
all that i have to say is:
life is not a competition or a race;
for if it were, it would be humanity’s
most futile and mirthful one.
-boonthemoonluv

the overwhelming chlorine enfolds itself unto my skin,
the fluorescent lights paste themselves to the back of my eyelids,
the cold salt-less waves lap against the harsh brown concrete,
over and over and over again.
every monday.
every thursday.

it's one thing to be plunging in the water,
shuddering and choking on that awful taste,
falling behind since elementary because--
no matter how hard you kick or how intently you listen,
you're the slowest one there--
and--
you. can't. get. better.
that's all fine.

it's another to stand on the deck,
awkwardly shift your body to look smaller, fold inwards,
smooth out your eyebrows until a few fleck into your fingers,
dig your nails into your arms (but, careful! don't be obvious about it),
try to smile and--

every monday.
every thursday.
i go back to that awful awful pool deck
that reeks of chemicals and humiliation
that always makes me retreat into my cells

and

every monday.
every thursday.
i reconsider the possibility of
drowning myself,
in the pool.

Did I do something wrong?
Did I say something wrong?
I just showed a flower the sun and gave it enough water to bloom.
But now the flower seems to be wilting.
Was it me?
Or was it just the flower that received too much sunlight and water?
I may not have the expertise of a florist.
But I still love the flower as much as one would.
Even if it loses all its green and all its rich colors
It will still be beautiful to me.

i guess all those nights i spent studying
just weren't worth it.

and the hot flashes of nausea that kept me from sleeping
were just warning me of my incapacity.

and my cuticle-less fingers that dripped blood on the exam paper
must not have been wanted it enough.

and my stupid brain was foolish enough to believe that
i'd "done my best"
(was it? was that all i could have done? ever?)

god what was the point of it.
god it's not even that big of a deal.
god you're just stupid and you're inefficient.
god maybe you should have just done better
god you just can't get it can you
god if this is hard, imagine college
god stop! stop hitting your wrist against the table, it's not helping!
god google it, can you lose your academic gift?
god imagine their faces when they see your score
god how will you hide it now
god help me i can't go back don't make me go back please please
god wow you really thought you did well you thought you earned it
god what if you didn't care about it, then it wouldn't matter
god imagine that, you don't study, and all the expectations are gone
god imagine that, you don't try.

you don't try.

oh.

maybe i shouldnt try anymore maybe i shouldnt try anymore maybe i shouldnt try anymore maybe i shouldnt try anymore maybe i shouldnt try anymore i shouldnt try anymore i shouldnt try anymore i shouldnt try anymore i shouldn't try i shouldn't try i shouldn't try i shoudn't try i shouldn't try i shouldn't try i shouldnt try i shouldnt i shouldnt i shouldnt i shouldnt