I want to be more.
    I want to be more than the bruises on arms
    more than the bags under my eyes
I want to encompass the stars in my eyes
I want to hold the wildness of this world in my stomach
I want to hold your joy in my fingers and let them tingle there for awhile.
give me your anger; I’ll hold it in the soles of my feet and use it to run
    I want to be more than the cage in my brain
    more than my lungs struggling for breath
let me use your pain in my words
I will take the clouds and stuff them inside my head
let me steal your souls to rewrite them into mine I will take your treasured fears and fragile hope and I will break them and build the future.
lift your hunger for something more and put it on my shoulders; I can hold it better than you
    I want to be more than this emptiness in my chest
    more than this heavy weight pressing onto my throat.
I will **** your dancing into my soul and let my gestures show what I never will
the oceans will become my body so I will never be ashamed of it; my most vulnerable will become the most powerful and you will never be able to enter without my permission
    I want to be more than my tired tears
    more than the memories that won’t leave
give me your violence I will use it to win the battle I wage against myself.
gift me your humanity so I feel normal
let me have it. let me have it so that
    I can be more than my body.

In a place where there are no souls,
I wander and wander like a stranger.
i know not where my grave is,
but i do know where my heart is.

i follow my heart and search for the light,
the light that used to guide me when i was alive,
but all i see is darkness,
and i wonder whether i will ever be more alive?

is this reality or is it a dream?
i am stuck in this loop for a long time.
please, someone help me get away,
because i am scared,
i am scared,
i am scared.

Bad ones build character
Demolish hope

Days that define are also the days that leave you damaged and dented

I slept to escape pain but in doing so also avoided change

It hasn’t even been that long...
Bit over two weeks?
But tonight I gave up
I gave in to the pleasure
Stimulation
Excitement
Teasing
Prolonging
Then pleeeaassssure....
Mm... and to lie in bliss
In comfort
In serenity
In deep and surprising
Satisfaction.

I'm a drug addict
I'm sorry I don't have anything better to say.
Did you know I have secrets I keep from everyone?
Is that normal?
The things I've done for drugs would make me sick so I don't think about them.
Everyone wants to be a better parent than their parent because they did such a bad job, but they did their best and my best will only be sub-par.
Where are we going?
Are we just looking through the rear view mirror as we drive away from the fire?

There is freedom in isolation,
in being idle and invisible,
where one could sit in muteness,
swim widely in dusk and ask,
"Am I really here,
if no one is around to see?"
A different kind of suicide

There is pleasure in being a shadow,
in pretending you don't exist,
to avoid acting like you do

Solitude isn't a time for me
to let myself free
but rather a time to free myself
from who I am

Outside the confinement of company,
I am anyone and anything,
I am someone else, somewhere else
I am alive,
but I am no one
I am alone

a.r.

I don’t need this medication
It’s not helpful
But man... I keep wanting to take it...
Every night it’s like a treat...
Swallow the clonidine
Then very very soon...
Sleepiness sets in
Getting drowsy....
Mind... drifting....
Until sleep.... sleep saves me
My rescue from the pain
It’s a good medication
I don’t need it
But I really really like it....

i've always been jealous
of the people who drink
to drown their sorrows
the ones who use chemicals to run away
and i've always wondered
why they never asked me
if i wanted to run with them
because my suffering is great
i really would love nothing more
than to ruin myself
get dizzy... weak... wild
**** the consequences
and i want it so badly it hurts
just... just give me a night of escape
let me be free for a little bit
just let me try
please.
please?
i'm begging
i'm pleading
i need something
i can't take this
i need to run