I saw the hint of red and blue reflecting off the dark surrounding
Daddy scares Mommy sometimes and she screams
The neighbors don't like the noise so they call

When I turned the corner I saw more cars than usual and a van.
I ran to my home. A yellow line was blocking the door.
I ducked under it.

Mommy was still. Laying down on the floor.
She was drooling blood.
I ran up to her, I shook her, I yelled.

She was cold. Not warm like Mommy's hugs are.
She didn't open her eyes and
I couldn't feel or hear her breathe

A man I didn't know grabbed me.
I scratched his face and kicked his stomach.
He let go and I ran back to Mommy

"Mommy, I'm sorry I took candy from the jar and lied"
"I pushed a boy at school today and I'm sorry!"
"I didn't do my homework yesterday Mommy"

Why didn't she say anything?
Was she mad at me?

Two more men I didn't know grabbed me.
They took me away from my home.

"Did Daddy leave me too?"

I'm a bad kid.

I said that I needed
to put between   us    some distance.
And in that instance,
with a voice so vicious,
You warned me
to never ask your help again.

I don't think I need help from you
if you can't give it freely.
There's always some catch
some payback
some string attached.
Not gonna let that enslave me.

Not gonna do this anymore,
Not when your anger
pummels me into the floor.

Loneliness seems to be decorated like a gift.
Covered by the whispers of people and carved by their oh so curious eyes.
If only it were as simple as being alone in a room for more than 10 seconds.
I've never been able to completely grasp onto the meaning of the word "Lonely".
Yet the silence of the world has caused my lungs to fill with the drowning sensation I have so carefully attempted to avoid.
Some people call it "daddy issues"; My constant need for comfort and companionship all derived from my "daddy" walking out on me as a child.
I refuse to believe it is that simple. The choking caused by my inability to swim while being dragged down by a cinder block is simply a sensation; I have this "adrenaline ***** vibe"  about me they said. It is only a useless attempt at filling the void you've created.
Loneliness... It falls between Falling in and out of love, deciding on if you want or need someone there to comfort you. Loneliness, it occurs in any in-between moment of silence. This never ending abyss of a word has been pulling me in, as if the twinkle in my eye that came with "Oh look she has your eyes Albert!" Never existed.
I refuse to believe that this entire time all the bad things that went wrong with me along the way were just a domino affect of you walking out.
If I could go back ten years from a week before my seventeenth birthday I would tell six year old me not to invite that man to her birthday because he will simply disappoint her.
$100.00 isn't love, it is passing by with the least amount of effort.

He grabbed me by the hair
And beat me up.
I said, daddy stop it
Please not here.
Daddy, I don't know who you are
Daddy, you're not my daddy
Any more
Daddy, go away.

He punched me several places,
Several times
Until I bled.
Until I hated him enough
To spit on his face.
Until I loved him enough
To believe I deserved it.

He screamed I was a *****.
He screamed it so many times
It got to my head
And changed the way
I saw myself.

I said, daddy not here,
Not today.
But he beat me up
Harder.


F.Z.**N

Another morning in the life
Of a P.T.D, I slurped my
Juice back all  400 ml, then
Stretched up, fingers
Wiggling as mother picked
Me up.

Snuggles in the morning
Nothing better, to show I'm
Loved. But back to business,
As I turned my dummy to
The opposite side, the taste
Is better every time its turned
Soothing with each ****.

It was nearly breakfast time
A belly is never wrong,
MMmmm...
Toast and jam, I smile
At mummy with my
Cheshire Jam smiled face.
"Silly little man"
As she wipes the smudges
From all over my face.

A case to solve, was my plan,
The missing statue of
SANDMAN BOB tm.
It was here before, but now
Gone, the prized possession
Of hairy dog, as I pat his head
And he licks my face
Yuckkkk....
Doggy that was yuck, he wags
His tail and then he is off.

What a morning so much done,
Time for a nap then detective
Work to be done. I wake to
Dads voice,
"Morning little man"
"How was your nap"
As i give my answer with a
Yawn and a smile, he gives
A cuddle then off to work for
Hours of fun and playing games.

The clues to be seen the trail
To be found, for I'm
"***** Trained Detective"
And no case is to far, as
Long as I can have a nap
And a cuddle, maybe a
Little sip and a gulp, here
On look out of what is to
Be found.

Hairy dog is sleeping in his
bed, I hear a noise I hear a
Sound??
What a strange noise,
"Snoring"
"NO"
"Bottom belches"
"No funny smells"
As I lift up his blanky
Softly so not to wake doggy's sleep,
And their he is safe and sound.

"SANDMAN BOB"
"Playing hide and go seek"

Under hairy dogs nose and bottom,
As he sleeps it does squeak, it
Does beep, I lift it up and under
His paw, to surprise him when
He awakens. A tail shall wiggle
And flop around, but the case was
Solved and a happy smile found.

***** Trained Detective does it
Again, but for now it is nap time,
A new case, a new thing to be
Found. I will see you all again
Soon, But now its snuggles
Time with mummy in bed.
As I close my eyes night, night
I turn my dummy once more,
As sheep float quietly over my head.

Today I shot a gun.

I aimed at the middle of the heart
stared down the lane
took a breath and
fired directly
at the
target.

The target didn't have a face
or a name

It was a blank canvas
And I painted your features onto it

And God,
Oh god...
did it feel good to fire at you.

Six-year-old me would've been proud
for doing what you should've done years ago.

Now my target looks like your heart.
Full of (bullet) holes.

f.m.s.

My room is dark, pitch black, the calming security of the endless nothing before my eyes, I take a step, then another, the out skirts of a tuffeted bed spread scrape against my knees, I am blind for merely minutes, but I feel more intuned with life already, my castle has smoke rising like the oceans tide, the all too familiar smell, of **** burning to ashes, like it does to my thoughts, I'm burning my brain, but it's better then feeling...lost. Haha dad, though you never raised me, I'm just like you.