Why do I crave eternity?
Why am I so obsessed with myself?
Why am without myself when I'm with myself?
What have I become?
What will I be?
What can I be?
Am I the voices living in my head?
What am I?
What am I not?
What does it matter....

tell me
tell me I'm beautiful
tell me I'm worth it
tell me that I mean something
tell me who I am
tell me how I've changed
tell me who I'm meant to become
tell me before i tell you

I spend much of my life
within the confines of my mind
Some days I am unsure
Whether I am dead or Alive

But the medication that I cling to
removes the existential fear
and allows my thoughts to relax
yet, it also seems to suppress my wonder

Without the pills,
I can intently watch myself write
As each stroke of my small wrist
Leaves grey stains across the blank page

With them, I can feel happiness
I can detach myself from life's pain
and realize my distractions
instead of permitting them to anchor my heart

But with my medicine I cannot create
not in the ways I wish to
They build a border between substance and surface
while it blocks out the depression
it also limits my humanity

Yet, if I were to quit taking them
the darkness would return to haunt my world
strangling my limbs, until I have no will to fight
or even to move for that matter

Without them, I can expend myself
in this art that has kept my heart beating
My emotions can freely guide my movements
in the hopes of creating something beautiful

But those pills have also saved my life
and yet, they have a dark side too
The anxiety they breed produce
such a significant strain on my actions
that I can't tell if I'm truly living

So as I sit in this barren hallway
listening to the echoes that disrupt the silence
I wonder whether my temporary refrain from my "lifelines"
will lead to my success or my demise.

You watch white people become millionaires
By spinning a wheel and guessing words
Is that entertaining for you?
Because you don't forget who you are
No matter how many of these people you see
You don't forget who you are
But I do
I forget who I am
In fact, I forget so well
that it's as if I never even knew in the first place
It's like being strapped
into a self-driving car
and you have no idea where it's taking you
Like my life is a wheel of fortune
and misfortune
Spinning around the blue

We are posting photos
and you're gone
We might be lost forever
if you want
now tension has shown its face
I feel a strange relief
a strange peace
in being here, alone,
with my family of the heart

and a strange pain
of losing you
you were helping me fight
my winter
but you fought too hard
you fought too hard

"This feeling is the byproduct of schizotypy, rituals, and doubts."
But there is a hint of truth, a hint of love...
the love we are trying hard to sustain...
Black and white, mixed in a strange grey.
As usual...
But still with a lot of contrast...
Black and white, crazy thoughts in the backyard of my mind.

DO YOU LOVE ME?
Do I love you?

A whole entire human
A feeler of pain
A fighter of battles of the mind
A warrior
An owner of a heart, heartbeat, the kind you notice
A closeted non-binary
A mover, A dancer
A thinker of thoughts
A haver of things
A learner
An occupant of my home
A difference in someone's life
A feeler of emotions
A knower of truth
A heartbeat, a heart strain
that catches your attention
A chooser of paths
Incomplete