AM I told what to think? Without gaining knowledge on how to think.
AM I taught how to feel? without understanding why I feel.
AM I raised in what to believe?  Not given the freedom in what I want to believe.
AM I told what to be?  Without allowing to simply be.
To know thy self is to gain understanding and knowledge of self. That is to individually and authentically  find who I am and what my purpose is .
How do I gain knowledge on what I retain in my mind including:    subconsciously and consciously
and how do I learn to understand my emotions, feelings and hear the purpose of my soul
physiological identity crisis in me is so surreal that I do not how to be real

as the time ticks and tocks
i can hear the ever-present
laugh of death and
the cries of life
they speak to me through
the darkness between the
sun falling and rising
they tell a story of
each other battling
for a correct beginning
or a suitable ending
but much like the
change of seasons
neither can decide
which has the ultimate
power to convince
the other of their worldly
powers against us

I didn't give them blood because it was all I had left to give
It was only that I valued my own time so much more
Wallowing in a trench was more important then talent
So I lied and said I did all I could
That I did so much and tried to get so far
But blood has only ever fed the heart not the mind
So what I gave was all forgotten
All I had left was this ******* time
Half wasted out of hope, half still slinking down;
A rabbit whole filled with aspirations of all I've ever wanted to be
Childhood dreams all scribbled out in desperation
I should've taken the easy way out when I had the chance
But a void made with blood can not be ended with slaughter
I'll just add to this red sea, hoping to fill my sight in a solid tone
So I can't see any of my past

Where do we go when the lights go down
what do we do in the dark
when there's nowhere to go
and nowhere to play
save for monsters in our heads.

don't turn the lights on baby,
don't turn the lights on now,
the nights not over
and i'm not ready
for you to see me
while I'm playing with
monsters in my head.

look away dear
please hear me now
I'm not always like this
not always not like this
please
don't ask me to change
I don't know what i'd
leave behind anyways.

who am I
who am I to you
who are you to know (that)
what you think is true.

I guess I am just what you made me
what you parade me 'round to be
but after dark
when the lights go down
and there's nowhere to go
and there's no one to play
'cept the monsters in my head...

...do I feel at home,
with the
cold
sweats
shivers
fingernails in my neck

the eyes that are watching see me at my best
the voices tell me (that) it's somebody's worst.
-still,
tough love is true love and no one pushes harder,
the monsters are the only ones who push me to be better.

don't turn the lights on baby
don't turn the lights on now,
the night's not over
and i'm not ready
for you to see me
while i'm still working on
just who
I really am.

---

Cause i'm a monster baby
a monster now
turn the lights on if you want to
I'll cast a shadow down

you'd better be ready
for what you're 'bout to see though,
the voice in your head
is only faceless in shadow

(if) you wanna see your fears
then you wanna bring up the sun
and if you want them to be real
just gotta look them in the eyes

oh, turn the lights on baby
please turn the lights on now
the night's not over
and you're not ready
the dawn isn't coming
you'll never be ready

I've been in the dark for so long
do I even have a face?
haven't seen myself since I was someone else
do I even have a face?

turn the lights on baby
turn the lights on please
I've got to know if I am still here
I cannot tell if I am real.

Turn the lights on baby
turn the lights on now
I've got to know if I am still here
I cannot tell if I am real.

Turn the lights on baby
turn the lights on now
turn the lights on baby
turn the lights on.

okay so think of yourself as a separate being. detached from the earth and its functions.

every speck of dust has its own meaning

i think about the world in ways that are too hard for even me to understand. every small speck of dust came from somewhere. The earth was created by the  pure desire of the celestial beings in outer space. They thought of us, so we were. And i may not believe in god but i do believe the world was meant to be here. I believe everything has an equal or opposite reaction and i believe we have a purpose. Not a purpose or a duty to the world or the universe but a duty to yourself. i think everyones one true duty is to find absolute happiness before the end of their days or die trying.

the atmosphere is filled with invisible beings and even every one of those has a meaning.
i came across this video the other night and this beautiful human was speaking about how we as humans are too scared of vulnerability. I think she is so right. we are living our lives day by day by day and we keep everything in for ourselves because we fear rejection and we feel like a burden to everyone we speak to and that is not how it should be. i thin we should go back to days where human emotion meant something to everyone. when it was valued. right now we are all so ******* in what everyone thinks of our tears that we forget to let them out. and tears a corrosive they will destroy you from the inside out if you don’t let them go in time and i just think its so vital to be in touch with yourself to remember to not destroy you r mind. we need to take care of ourselves. and i can see that, even as a person who doesn't take care of herself i know that there is value in us as people.

we live in a world of people who can do so much to change the world and make it a better place but we are so hell bent on keeping everything for ourselves that we are doing more damage.  
somehow i want to be someone to unite people for the better and eliminate all of the harmful forces in the world. it seems unrealistic but i am not looking for realistic i am looking for optimistic

What crisis changes a life?
A birth.....................defected or not;
A death....................expected or not;
A break-up..............rejected or not;
A make-up..............accepted or not;
A ****-up................degenerative or not;
An accident.............not ever planned;
Or,
All of the above.
There are no boxes to tick;
No likes to click;
No swipes right or left;
No emoticons to stick.
Just choices and decisions
That are life changers.