I desire warmth and
Despise the void,
Despite convincing myself that
I was not missing anything
And just dissatisfied with the "completeness".
Realizations travel the more gentle current
And you find them on shore in a
slow succession.
Picking up these messages,
My hands do not feel frigid-
A sensation my heart envies;
It longs to outshine the sun.
Now days will pass in a frenzy
Searching for an embrace.
A rendezvous with redamancy.
(Beginning with myself.)

O time!
The cost I have lost to thee
Why hath thou broken me?
Once so close
Now so far
A bond no longer
A friendship altered
An acquaintance acquired
An unwanted shift
Forever a slave to the changing winds

Change me, tame me,
make me who I'm not.

Stretch me, shrink me,
this is what we're taught.

Paint me, hide me,
until there's nothing left.

Maim me, shame me,
there you have it-
the world's easiest identity theft.

The broom falls heavy on the floor
sweeping up the fragments of my disappointed heart.

The swagger of your once so-humble soul
echoes like a mockery in the chasm that now keeps the distance
between us both.

How can the one person I respect so much
change so dramatically between one phone call and the next?

You, I thought you’d always have my back,
fail, because you’re now too interested in your own fail safe.

The trust that once bound
disintegrates with each new thing you learn.

Your brilliance has become a curse,
your kindness melted from gold into
a puddle of finite resources made of Chinese plastic.

A voice, sturdy, now
more bendable, less flexible
A boldness once endeared
now feared,
wished away.

And I’m hoping you’ll just grow out of this.

Don’t over-change yourself because you’re
desperate for freedom from your past.

Promise me that you will climb over your
arrogance

and find the way back to the beautiful boy I was once so proud
to call friend..


Not a friend, this friend,
the knower of my colors

Capture this one not, o life

A prayer and deepest desire,
spare him his innocence.

Don’t let me down, o life.
not this one.

the more i try to change myself
my more i see who i really am.
depression kicks in when i try to change.
who i wan't to be is a nice, fun loving person.
BUT I CANT
deep down, I am a dictator.
I need to have control over others.
I need to be able to feel the power!
Knowing that others fear me gives me strength!
but what i really want is for people to feel the way i feel.
yes, I am a dictator to people with less power than me
but i am a slave BY CHOICE to others with more power!
This is my biggest fault!
I CAN'T STAND A FEELING OF DISAPPOINTING SOMEONE!
IT BREAKS MY SPIRIT!
I do everything in my power to reverse it!
This disappointment reflects back into me.
it causes my to want more power.
it causes me to get more out of myself.
I become a stronger dictator on myself.
This drains me to nothing.
The only thing that can restore it is power.
Power over others.
an endless circle of authority.

My roots aren't here
They never were
I planted some crops
But they were imported
An ideal situation this land may be
To the adaptable, changing and innovative breeds
It is habitable to the natives and hybrids that are able to flourish
But me, my roots come from a different tree
They belong somewhere else
They always have
I can survive in new elements
But only with proper care and chemicals
The artificial adaptations eventually take their wear
And usually from the inside out
Without the natural nourishment I whither
So as thankful as I am for a land that harvested growth
It is essential to my survival that I find my proper home

I was in love with you
with the silly things you did
and obnoxious words you said
but over night
you changed
there's now nothing
for you to do
or say
that'll bring back
who I fell for