darling,

i hope you understand
that our story
is not in my hands.

we used to hold it together
but you ripped out the pages
you gave me the cover.

i don't know how you feel about me anymore.

but i don't have our story
you'll have to write the ending
will it end in glory?

i dont miss the boy who left
i miss the boy who stayed.

its too bad theyre one in the same.

it was perfect
so when it ended
i fell apart.

i ripped out the pages
i threw them into the wind
they blew behind me.

but then i asked myself
how could i destroy what remained of our chapter?
how could i tear something apart that told a story so innocent?
so beautiful?

after all, it wasn't our fault that it was over.

so i picked up the pages
i put them back together
and i read our chapter once more.

it was then that i realized
our chapter
was just your chapter in my book.

so i looked to the next one
saw it was blank,
and wrote my name.

that one was gonna be about me.

im embarrassed of my body
im embarrassed of my mind
im embarrassed of the parts i showed you
that i had never shown another.

im embarrassed because after i let you in,
you let me go
i guess im not good enough
if i was, you wouldn’t have left.

so im embarrassed about everything
everything that makes me, “me”
you showed me i’m not worth staying for
and that makes me want to leave me too.

i can’t keep living
thinking about you
not after you broke my heart
and left me all alone.

i cant keep living
trying to understand why you left
i never will.

i can’t keep living
hoping that you’ll come back
and say you were wrong
i’ll be waiting my whole life.

i don’t want to die thinking about you
but I can’t keep living thinking about you either.

i still lay awake at night
thinking about how you left
you treated me as if i wasn’t alive
like you never loved me to begin with
did you?

i know you did, at one point in time
but its hard.
remember, darling
it’s not that you left
it’s how.

you ignored me
you betrayed me
and then you walked away.
you apologized for leaving
but you never apologized for how you left.

and that’s what hurts the most.

i spend every waking moment thinking about you
you don’t deserve it
and neither do i
but yet here i am
spending every waking moment
thinking about
you.

we shared so much
but now all we share are memories
of what once was
and what is now past tense.

im getting anxious again
i was doing so well
but im getting anxious again
and i don't know how to stop.

she still cries sometimes.
she cries thinking about why he left
why she wasn’t good enough
and what she could’ve done to make him stay.

but she smiles more.
she smiles thinking about her strength
her beauty
her kindness
her care.
how proud she is of herself,
and of the love she gives to the world.

she still cries sometimes,
but she smiles more.
and that’s what she chooses to remember.

he’s not “the boy she used to love” anymore
he’s just a boy
a boy with issues
a boy who left a girl,
who would have never let him go.

she’s not “the girl he used to love” anymore
she’s now a woman
a woman with issues, yes.
but a woman who lost a boy,
and gained herself.

now, i ask, which one is better off?

you only respond when you need me

other than that
i’m no more than a voice in a crowded room

when i think of you
i stare straight ahead
thinking of what you were thinking
when you took your last breath.

i’ve been there before
i know how you felt inside
but for me, the storm broke
i saw the rainbow on the other side.

but you didn’t see it
the storm was just too thick
they say you were selfish
but i know you didn't want this.

so when i think of you
i stare straight ahead
i know you were dreaming of the rainbow
when you took your last breath.

i think he found another girl.

the way he looked at her.

it was the way he used to look
at me.

i’m just scared that i’ll remember
why i loved you.

and i’m even more scared that i won’t be able to deny
i still do.

Is it ok
That I hope to see you again someday?

I don’t know if you feel the same,
I just really miss you.

I cried again tonight
Thinking about why he left

Why do I do this to myself?
It’s time to move on

But for some reason
I feel like Im back at square one.

It's the days when you don’t cry,
But you don’t smile either.

It’s the days when you’re quieter than usual,
And people notice.

It’s the days when you aren’t quite thinking about anything.

But if someone asked you what was wrong,
You wouldn’t know where to start.

All I want is you
But you’re exactly who I cant have

Im so sad right now,
If only I could be in your arms.

i can’t be mad at you
that’s the hardest part.

if you're not feeling happy right now
that's ok
because every moment you have
is just a part of the symphony

some notes are high
and some notes are low
but they all add up to the bigger picture of who you are
and who you were born to be

just know that i'm proud of you
and that your symphony will turn out to be more beautiful
than you could've ever imagined.

everyday
i just can't stop thinking
about whether or not
you're thinking
about
me.

and now,
im just another girl.

one that he loved,
and one that he lost.

do not feel ashamed
for feeling too heavily
when your heart has just been broken

the cracks in your heart cannot heal
when the tears cannot fall
a desert cannot become a river without water.

it takes days, weeks, months
for each and every drop to accumulate
until the river may run smoothly

so please, darling, do not hold back the tears
they are necessary for you to swim away from where you are
and towards where you are going

you put everything you had into someone else
of course your soul is crying

he said he was afraid of losing me
yet he's the one who let me go

you shoved me underwater.
out of sight,
out of mind.

i screamed.
you saw the bubbles,
and you ignored them.

you act as if i'm not alive.
and at this point,
i'm not sure you even care.

hi,
it’s me again
are you okay?
nevermind
it’s not my business to ask.

but i hope you’re okay
ive been well, if you care
you'd be proud actually
you were right when you said i was strong.

you’re always on my mind
do you still think of us?
nevermind
it’s not my business to ask.

but i hope you still do
i still think of us, if you care
our memories i’ll never forget
you were right when you said we were special.

but you still chose to leave
do you regret it?
nevermind
it’s not my business to ask.

but sometimes, i hope that you do.

everything that i was afraid of
has already happened

and i’m still here

i was always afraid of being too much.
i used to cry when we were together
i was afraid that you would leave.
i had anxiety
and i always apologized for it.

but you comforted me.
you made me feel loved
you made me feel cared for.
you told me i was more to you than that
you told me that everything was going to be okay.

but then you left.

i still wonder sometimes
if I was simply too much.
but I cant ask anymore.
because now
you won’t reply.

every time i reach out
there's no one there
it's dear diary
every time i type a word.

and every time i press send
i must remind myself
it's dear diary
and he's not coming back.

sometimes I find myself
looking down
thinking of the past

I look through photos
of when things were okay
of when he still loved me.

I try and understand why things ended this way
why he felt they had to end at all
I think I understand

but then I wonder why I wasn't worth it
the nights he said he had faith in us
I believed him, what changed?

he doesn't talk to me anymore
it makes me sad
but I hope he still thinks of me

When you left
I could see
That what I kept
Was not to keep

A broken bond
was what you made
I was so fond
and yet I paid

For all the nights
you said you would
It was not right
“Can” is not “should”

So yes you left
And I was afraid
But a bond of theft
Isn’t one where I gain

I will not devote
Myself to his cause
So I said “end-quote”
This isn’t a pause

My life does not stop
Because he’s not here
I will not drop
And I have no fear

So I move on
Myself in check
He is now gone
No more Russian roulette

A flower does not fall when the rain comes
No,
It grows taller than ever before

The sun does not hide
And the moon does not cry
As the Earth spins

For they do not belong in the same sky all their lives
They are just too special to be seen as one

So they let each other go
In hopes that someday
She would allow them to meet once more

But only after they realized
That they did not need one another to be special
They did that all on their own