i crave you
as if you were nicotine
i want you
even if you poison me
i miss you
though you disregarded me
you’re like a drug
i can’t stop craving
even when you hurt me
i just need another hit
to resolve the pain
of your absence
i was nothing to you
i never understood
but now you’re gone
and i’ve moved on
but the emptiness
still lingers
i miss the touch
of your fingers
but yours do not
miss the touch of me.

my eyes were opened
a genuine development
of a feeling i had only
heard about from others
i pretended time after time
to feel this feeling
but what i felt was a fraud
i did not know what
was wrong with me
or if i was incapable
of truly experiencing love
finding you was
the first time
breathing felt easier
and living was worth
being around for
but now that
i’ve experienced it
i will never be able
to lose you
or i will never
breathe again.

beating beating beating
a pinch
a rush
a fill
a desire
beating…
beating…
beat-

i’m hurting myself, without realizing it...
again.

i want a little love
the kind you dream of when you’re a kid.
late night trips around town
with tired grins and sleepy eyes
full of adventure.
swinging on swings
when you’re both adults
without a care in the world.
weekend trips to the mountains
or to a lake we went to as kids.
i want a little love
that requires no effort
to love one another.
a guy who knows my intentions
and understands my complex self.
someone who remembers little things
i say and do.
i want a little love
that has flaws
so we can fix them together.
little arguments we can
laugh about later.
going to the movie theater
so we can sneak candy in
and laugh together.
i want someone who
knows how to love me
and cheer me up.
i want a little love
that doesn’t seem so little.
i want something that’ll last a lifetime.
i want memories to pass on.
i want to be that old couple
everyone aspires to be.
maybe this little love,
isn’t that little after all.

I am Alive.

Even when the world turns.
Even when my heart breaks.
Even when i’ve had enough.

I am Alive.

God help me on the days I just don’t want to be.
why do I feel like things would be better?
Show me why this world means something.

I am Alive.

But I forget what i’m grateful for.
Losing people to death, is normal to me.
Why do I feel this way?

Even Though I am Alive.

it’s happening again
i’m sinking farther into my bed
i can’t seem to get myself to wash my hair
i don’t even stand in the shower anymore
i let the water fall down my body
i’m just going through the motions again
hoping i’ll just drown in my tears
but i can’t seem to cry
maybe if i leave the laundry on the floor
it’ll pick itself up and get in the washer
maybe if i leave my bed unmade
it’ll eventually make itself
can’t seem to get myself to make food
the hunger pains greet me with open arms
maybe tonight i won’t go home to an empty house
i hope my boyfriend doesn’t get tired of me
i miss my mom again
i’m spending far too long in the bathroom instead of going back out and facing the nothingness
i have somehow trapped myself in again
i really wish it wasn’t happening again

the love i possess
feels like it will never change,
do you love me too?

It’s hard knowing
that you’re happy now.

I spent so many days
feeling the pain
caused by you.

I had hoped to
figure out how
to leave and forget.

But now that I know
that you’re happy,
it breaks me.

I’m happy and
I asked for the split
but knowing
I suffered at the hands
of someone who
gets to be happy
feels like a knife
through the back

I wish they all knew
what you did to me.

I want to bathe in your love.
I want to submerge myself within;
feel it on every inch of my skin.

I want to roll around in your love.
Just as we did on our sheets the night before;
feel it move around me, with you.

Your love is like fresh flowers
The leaves changing colors
There is nothing more euphoric.

Remind me if I ever lose this feeling.
As you look at a face but can’t figure a name,
As soon as you remind me I’ll know.

i have these blue curtains.
these blue curtains have changed me.
before, they were gray,
i always felt tired in their presence,
and my moods were worse.
now my curtains are blue, but not just
any blue,
they’re turquoise.
they change the color of my room
from white to blue.
they soothe my thoughts
and hold me close,
when no one else could.
these blue curtains have seen, well—
everything.
they’ve seen me cry,
they’ve seen my innocence taken,
they’ve seen me laugh,
they’ve seen my life,
but most importantly,
they still mean everything to me.

take a deep breath—
relax.
watch as the hills curve
as you’re riding in a car,
watch the waves
pull the sand back in.
watch as the snow
falls softly.
feel how amazing
the wind is in your hair.
take a deep breath,
you’re almost there.

I have a desire to burn things.
I want to feel the heat of the flames
destroy what’s around me—
no i’m not psychotic.
I want to feel the burn against my skin.
The sizzle of wood in a fire,
ignites my passion to forget my feelings.
The red and orange flames fuel
my anger and hatred.
I want to see the burn
and feel the pain within.
The burning makes me feel like i’m dying,
but dying is the only time i feel alive.
The flames hurt me,
but take away the pain i’ve been feeling.
I’ll let the fire burn me,
until there is no longer pain.
Let. Me. Feel. Something.

crisp.
surrounded by the flames
that reflect my loneliness
wrap me in this hot blanket
of sadness and emptiness.
the constant ringing of nothingness
tears my ears apart.
the shell of my body remains
but slowly is torn apart
by the knifes of suffrage.
i can feel the singe
of self love disintegrate.
through this torture and evil,
i still feel nothing.
this has to stop,
but why hasn’t it?
I’ve been stuck in this
off and on place
of numbness.

“Are you okay?”
a realization,
the things constantly replaying
in my sad mind
reaching to the bottom of my heart
to find the two words
that retrieve my loneliness,
“i’m fine.”

I try not to worry about you.
our relationship was a mystery
a series of games,
trying to see who cares less,
trying to stay secret.

I wanted to love you so badly.
I wanted that to be reciprocated.
Each time hours went by
without a response
a part of me wondered
am i worth anything to you?
it was hard figuring you out
but you just didn’t care.
ignoring me for weeks on end
really made it hard to exist
knowing i wasn’t worth
the slightest bit of effort to you.
then we called it quits…


…and two weeks later you begged for me back.

now i know what i’m worth.
i’m worth my weight in diamonds.
i’m worth being excited about.
i’m worth calling on the phone.
i’m worth you telling me secrets.
i’m worth being loved.
I’m worth forgetting anyone else exists.

I will never forget what I am worth.

i keep picking up my pieces,
as if i’m not the one tearing them apart

i struggle to keep my head above water,
but the ground is shallow beneath me

i let the tears flow out of me,
i’m reason they have formed

i blame the world for being so cruel,
knowing i’m the one bringing me down

how is it that “happiness is a choice”,
i’m begging for that option

brutality is my only mentality,
forced onto me by the one i know best

i just wish i could get out of my head.

people stereotype children with innocence
but what is a child with their innocence taken?
merely an adult in the shell of a child.
hello, i’m your average child with the mindset of someone in their mid 40s
my childhood was brief unlike those of my peers.
i knew the troubles and the pain and they didn’t
i knew the pleasures and the mistakes
i knew the wrongs and the rights
i knew the rebuilding and recovery.
i used to cling to what was left of my childhood
now i have finally accepted that it’s over
hello, i’m still your grown-up child.
i understand complex things
i can read a situation faster than that novel you picked up a year ago.
i can find my way out of trouble
i know how to defend myself
i’ve grown up fearing what i knew
i’ve grown up trying to find others like me
i cling to the fellow broken kids
i cling to what i know.

i’ve searched for love my whole life
i fall for strangers at first glance
growing up lacking the feeling
only makes me want it more
the feeling gives me meaning
and makes my stomach twirl
i have a hard time saying no
devoting myself to someone
is a complete adrenaline rush

Hello Dad
It’s been four months
Did you get my call?
I’m worried about you
I’m sorry I didn’t answer

Hey Dad
I’m sorry I messed up
Please forgive me
It’s been a year
I miss you

Hi Dad
I know you’re struggling
Please call me
You don’t have to be alone
I’m right here

Dad
Pick up the phone
It’s been too long
You’re drowning yourself in beer
I should’ve answered.

i want to take back mistakes.
i want to try it differently but in fact there’s no way to correct what has happened.
you can’t take back what you said
i can’t take back my reaction
i can’t take back that relationship.
you can’t go back and not break me
you can’t go back and not hurt me
i can’t take back a small sentence
even though you’ve hit me with a thousand words.
but i still would brush them off
take ten seconds
take two steps back
and carry on.
but in fact i probably would do the same thing
if given the impossible opportunity to
i would continue to let you know that you are no longer allowed to hurt me.
i do not consent to your pain
i do not consent to that friendship
i do not consent to you hurting me
i do not consent to the way you act.
but you can ignore that
because I built up walls
and put fences around them
but you built a plane and flew over.
and that terrifies me.

vivid
but forgotten so quickly

i lay here
i expect the tears to work themselves out
but they refrain from doing so.
time keeps moving
i can feel the days getting shorter.
as i’ve tried to cut it short
it never worked.
the world has its way
of getting what it wants
but yet i’m stuck in feeling
moving through the motions
of the pattern i’m stuck in.
days feel meaningless
but i keep going
as much as i don’t want to.
the feelings i’ve suppressed
have kept themselves contained
until now.
this flood of emotions
feels like i’m drowning
i can hardly keep my head
above the crashing waves
of reality, hardships, and pain.
this empty pain
lurks and stays behind my mind.
the cries for help
are more like whispers for assistance.
i distribute help as if it was overflowing
but i’m the one who needs it most.
i beg for this feeling to end
i beg for a new start or a do over
accepting this hurt has been the worse.
if i could bring back
the joyful little girl
that i once was
maybe things would be different.
it’s time to take back my own life
and replace this empty
with something to fill that void.
i just want to feel something
once again.