last time i fell in love
i puked my guts out
trying to contort myself into
someone i never should've been
im different now
stronger,
smarter,
better

im falling in love again
i think im not sure
things have been so twisted for me
im not really sure what love is
but i hope you're good to me
it'd be nice to hold your hand again

"be kind" you say and i sigh.
"i'm trying, everything just hurts please forgive me for right now."
you throw down your tablecloth, wiping your wet hands on your dress instead and shake your head at me, laughing to yourself like there's a joke i just made yet i'm not in on it.
"don't you know everyone else is hurting too?"
i nod, although i don't know.
because the pain i feel,
i never thought could be shared.
because the pain i feel,
i thought was only mine.

it is a lie

when mothers whisper
"he hurts you because he likes you"

it is a lie

when fathers say
"boys will be boys"

it is a lie

when boys holler
"i am entitled to you because i like you"

it is a lie
when love means you give yourself up
when love comes with physical pain
when love leaves you feeling more empty than full

trust
trəst/
Noun
1. i know i don’t need anyone to make me feel better, that i can handle these things on my own. but speaking to you makes everything seem so much quieter.


2. there is me with tears streaming down my cheeks like rain. i cry all the time because i never cried when i was younger. there is you, with fire in your veins and hands dusted with the ashes of what is left of me.


3. you speak to me like i'm a person, like i have value and that you believe in me. you’re an entity and i want nothing more than to live in your heaven.

Mercury,
We came in close and so fast
I wondered who was
In orbit around who
When in actuality
We encircled each other.
You wore copper eyeshadow
And I still think it's the most beautiful thing you've ever worn

Venus,
Your hair was so lovely
You claimed you never needed to brush it
Because I would always run my hands through it anyways.
You had dimples and reminded me
Of some forgotten lullaby.
I wish you sang me to sleep.

Earth,
Down to it and practical
I don't know how we ever fit,
Seeing as I'm in the clouds
And you're firm in the ground.
We can't reach each other
The distance is sometimes too much.

Mars,
You loved me before you knew me
And that was a mistake
Because I was in a bad place
And I only brought you
Further down
I'm sorry honey.

Jupiter,
So I chucked plans and list
Out the window for you,

Threw my
heart

Into your
Hands.
Did you even want it?
Or did you want my tally marked heart?

Saturn,
'Marry me
We can live
Together far away
From all these disappointments."
But I didn't want to leave,
Because if I left, I'd never stop drifting.
You didn't like my answer.

Uranus,
Things with you were so so backwards
I asked you to be mine
I bought you flowers
I kissed first
I tried
To stop
But I love
Too much
Too fast
Too pure

Neptune,
We're constellations
I could look at the star streaked sky
While you pushed the swing higher
And higher,
And see
Us
Holding hands
But I left
Because your permanence scared me
I apologize for disappearing

Pluto,*
We haven't met yet
In this romantic dance
But I hope you have a wonderful heart
If you're reading this
Or if you read it one day
I would just like to hold your hand
And tell you how beautiful you are
I don't need much
Just a chance

and wow
you think you'd learn a thing or two
about not playing with open fire
because there are matchsticks
where your bones should be
your veins run with gasoline and you're an honest to God
walking wildfire waiting to burn itself to the ground.
A body that flickers to life at the touch of a hand
because my darling,
you've been dead for so long
and there are spikes ready to ignite under your skin
if you would just hold yourself
you're rooftops at sunset and empty classrooms and
the way early May poetry tastes on lips
But it's September now and the sky has been crying for the past few days
But that's alright, many find comfort in the rain
Even cloudy, you're still the sun

i just want to be the person you write poetry about.
not even good poetry.
the poetry of 1 AM text messages
that try to spell out love in sloppy metaphors about stars and eyes
the poetry that swells up in your throat while you're tired so when you speak it into my voice mail it's just "you're so beautiful and wow i'm so in love with you"
the poetry of rearranged letter magnets on the refrigerator
the poetry of small notes in jackets,
half rhymed abandoned words you scribble out between classes and forget in your backpack.
i want to be the person you spend hours scratching your head, tugging at your hair
trying to frame "you're so amazing and i'm waiting for you to realize i think you're so special" into beautiful flowing words.
i'm just saying
write me poetry and i will dance
like dust on your tabletops
glimmering in the light of the sun

there is a halo on my tongue darling,
do you wish to taste heaven?

i'll make you soar to the top of the hierarchy of angels
and watch your whispers turn into the word of God

i am the truth
i am the inevitable
i am the past
the present
and future
i am teenage rebellion in your shirt pocket
i am the note you give to your love
i am the begging of you to come back
i am the door slamming in your face
i am the product of the very life that started on this earth and
i am unknown poetry scribbled on the stall of a ******* school bathroom
begging to be read
begging to be understood

i am all and i am nothing

i just,
am

i watched a boy turn into sound waves. his blue eyes made my heart catch in my throat and the way his hands danced among black and white keys made me ache to become a beautiful melody.

i watched a boy become a beacon, illuminating the world with a smile i didn't know could exist, i know now why the sun is so bright, it's in competition with his heavenly glow.

i watched a boy fall back to earth at 6,000 miles per hour head first into a crowd rush. he never looked back. never hesitated. and the trust he had in those people was enough to make me cry.

arms curling around you in a protective sort
i whisper your name and
dripping from my lips
the delicate words you crave to hear;

"i love you"

yet they never fall on your open ears
instead i say;

"you are my light"
"you are the sun"
"you are the stars i wish upon at night"

and i believe that means much more,
seeing as i've been in the dark
all my life
to be granted by something as bright as you
i'm honored

To The Girl Who Has The Privilege To Love Him
1. He is quite shy, although he looks tough he will be too timid to talk to you
2. He will hold you as if you are the most precious thing in the world,
no diamonds could ever compare to you
3. When his lips land on your cheek you will be free of all worries,
but only temporarily.
4. He is stellar at making you feel special, but he treats every girl like this
5. You'll never love someone the way you love him
6. He's not very good at taking care of himself. Please take care of him for me.
Make sure he gets enough water, he always hated drinking it.
7. He hardly sleeps. Encourage him to nap, offer your lap when he needs rest.
He will love the comfort of your legs, and knowing you're close.
8. He loves sugar cookies, I used to bake them for him,
he likes 5 cups of sugar instead of 3.
9. Borrow his jackets. He smells like home and I swear to God you will feel
so loved when you wear them.
10. Send him pictures of yourself. A lot. He loves seeing you happy, don't forget to smile.
11. He doesn't get angry often but when he does you'll cry. Not because he's hurting you
but because you simply can't bear seeing him upset.
12. It's always friends before you. Don't force him.
13. He says " I love you" a lot. You'll remember every time he says it.
14. He likes walking you to your bus stop after band practice,
even if it means he has to walk 3 miles home alone.
15. Don't tell him you cried because of something he did. He will never forgive himself
16. Kiss him a lot, while you still can.
17. You'll fall way too hard for him
18. Please treat him well, he deserves the best and only offers the best.
19. Don't get mad at him. Please. i understand sometimes he does bad things
but he's doing his best. i made that mistake one too many times and i still regret it.
20. Give him all the love you can, please i beg you. Treat him right.

i dreamt that i liked you
my heart pounding on my rib cage
like a prisoner aching to get out of a cell
you looked heavenly

i dreamt that i kissed you
your lips dripping sugar
and some shimmering powder
i could have sworn was fairy dust

i dreamt that i loved you
i let you into my heart with
my hands shaking waiting
for my undoing, but it never came

i woke with your name in my mouth
you heart beating in time with
the inevitable unrelenting force
of truth,

that you loved me too

i am not afraid of my Holy Father
i am afraid of my Merciless God who keeps me awake at night towering over me in an unassuming sort

omniscient

all knowing

after all,
how can you run
from someone who knows exactly where you'll be?

no amount of prayers will make the whispers stop
so you may as well write them down
as they're echoing in your mind

often
i try out your words on my
tongue
turning them around in a cherry stem knot
i press my lips together as
your eyes stare into me
they fill with blood and become
warm and soft and
pink

one time he and i were sitting in bed and i said "where do you feel stuff?" and he said "what do you mean?" and i said "here is anxiety," and i pointed to my bottom ribs where the glass in my body starts.

he pointed to his throat "it's here for me."
i keep anger in my calves, he holds it in his hands.
i feel sadness in my lungs, he feels it in his stomach. we play this game until we come to love and i realize i'm terrified (jugular) of what might come.
what if it's not the same, what if he feels it somewhere else. what if it's just a flash fire not a slow burn, what if it's congealing in one place instead of radiating.

i try to change topics (flight response: jaw) and he takes my hands and puts them over his ribs.
"i feel love everywhere. like the sun is trying to escape me, like i'm being consumed and it's filling up all the parts where i used to be empty."

i say "don't be ridiculous, humans are 99% empty space." i nervous laugh (my glass ribs break) and I shift awkwardly, like i always do when i'm uncomfortable (legs)

"everywhere" he repeats and he holds his gaze with mine.

he's a cacophony of color with a sharp tongue
and a riotous way of somehow                                  

                                              loving me

his teeth quite sharp
ivory bone piercing my skin
an unassuming sort of
unconditional cherishing

                                              you're perfect

"come return our ****** shoes." you mutter to yourself
you look me in the eyes with a sheepish smile and tell me it's an "acronym for crocs."
and i double over and laugh because i've gotta say, that's the stupidest thing i've heard in a long time
but **** is it good to hear your voice.
to hear you laugh and feel your hands on mine
"i hate crocs" i say, interlocking my hands in yours "but i'll wear them if it means i get to see you everyday"
you roll your eyes at me shooting back some sarcastic response but i don't hear it
i grab at your hands and i can't feel them
i try to see your beautiful eyes but i'm only met with darkness
darkness and a racing heart at 3:17 am

I think he loved drinking
Just a little too much
The bottle clinking his teeth
As Starka dripped past his lips trailing down his chin

I think he loved fighting
Just a little too much
His heart racing as he grabbed my wrist
Smiling at the fear in my eyes

I think he loved touching
Just a little too much
After all, I was his
And I was to do what I was told

It’s hard to think of yourself as a person
When someone else had owned you for so long
I can’t remember the last time I could see bruises on my throat
And think that it was bad
He loved me

“They’re marks of ownership cupcake.”
His teeth biting at my neck as tears streamed down my cheeks
But he’s gone
Left me for some beautiful girl who spoke and the skies lit up
I’ve become a pretty dead thing sitting on the shelf

i. I hope the light from the skies spill like honey from your lips
I hope the stars find home in the leftover curves of your hands
Let them shimmer greatness on your skin

ii. Where do you write your sins?
Do you set them on fire and talk about everything
Talk about anything and laugh about nothing
Ignoring the pain
Until the rising sun kisses the wings on your back?

iii. Your heart is a place for the cosmos
To enter and make whole again
I bless a castle I’ve built in my head for you
If only you’d stay safe.
Go yell until you can fit the light in your body
And teach it not to escape anymore
Until you can find your way home again.

iv. I hope you realize home is inside of you