I woke up after the worst dream.
(I was 16 and dying. Not from disease but from myself.)
I looked in the mirror and saw this girl who wasn't who she thought she was.
I saw the 16 year old me.
The one who hated everything about herself.
From her scars to her weight to her stupid fake date.
She hated her life.
She took the pain away with one single blade.
She took her life in the night so she was sure no one would interrupt.
Except her mother woke up from a terrible dream of her daughter dead.
Only to find that it wasn't a dream and it wasn't all in her head.
She dialed 911 as she held her close.
Now 11 year old me is seeing a ghost.
A ghost of a girl just 16 years old, dead in her mothers arms because she was never told how cruel the world is.
-N.P

its getting bad again.
i can tell.
around every dark corner its there waiting for me.
for the past four months depression has been subdued and had been just a back thought.
just a thought of suicide. never thinking if how or when
two days ago i felt my brain become fuzzy and unclear like it had before
i began to think about the act of killing myself.
i thought of hanging myself
i thought of overdosing
i thought of slitting my throat and letting my body bleed out
but instead of killing myself i broke a 4 month promise i made to myself
i cut myself
not deep enough to do much damage but deep enough to feel the pain and annoyance of fresh cuts
ive been so scared to get bad again and its back and its going to be worse than ever
the fuzziness is back and its constant
i dont have many clear moments  
depression blurs reality and brings in false perception of my moments
i dont feel right
nothing calms my thoughts
im becoming numb with fear of myself but ive never been so comfortable

septemeber 2014 i told my dad i didnt want to be alive anymore
in our kitchen, we sat on the floor, he held me and through his tears he told me he never wants to lose me
i think about this all the time
october 2014 my 2 year old brother saw my cuts and scars
he brings me bandaids all the time
novemeber 2014 my mom walked in on my 6th suicide attempt
we stayed up all night driving around, talking about how much i wanted to end my life
she asks me every day how i'm feeling now
december 2014 my step dad found sleeping pills i had been purchasing and saving for 6 weeks
he didnt cry when his only son was born but he couldnt even breathe when he found my pills and confronted me about it
janurary 2015 my step mom drove my to the er when she found my almost dead in the shower
she didnt sleep for 3 days while she and my mom stayed at the hospital with me
feburary 2015 my mom found my journal of suicide notes
there was over 100 notes
march 2015 my grandparents began noticing how bad i was getting
my grandmother stayed at our house during march break with me
april 2015 i saw my favourite band who has helped me through a lot of tough times
i got their lyrics on my body forever to remind me that i'm not my illness
may 2015 my bestfriend and i made a promise to each other to remain self harm free
we promised to help eachother get through our illnesses
june 2015 she was in the hospital for trying to **** herself
i knew i had to stay strong for the both of us
july 2015 i started to work on myself
i started to notice the beauty in things again
i forgot how much i loved the rain
how much i loved flowers
how much i cared about nature and the planet
i forgot how much i loved life
august 2015 i started to plan for the future
i started thinking about 10 years down the road
september 2015 i'm not where i want to be yet, but im so proud of how far i've come
im proud of myself

Late nights in your car, listening to turnover and drinking coffee.
For the longest time I was that girl in the Paramore shirt and converse.
Eventually you asked me my name and to be friends.
Friends didn't last long due to the fact that we clicked instantly.
From music to mannerisms we were in sync.
When I think of you, I smell coffee and cigarettes.  
I feel warm knowing I'll always have your jacket and arms to keep me warm.
I'm always cold because I know we're both terrified to lose each other.
But when I started to drift from you for the first time, you didn't say anything because you didn't want to be over-barring.
After a while you caved and finally told me you missed me.
But what I miss, is the way it feels when you hugged me and i breathed in your scent.
When you touch me, I have no thoughts, all I hear is complete silence.
I'm always nervous but more calm than ever with you.
You know my struggles and have seen my scars but still tell me its okay and I'm beautiful anyways.
I like the way your eyes light up when you talk about the new sextape single; your smile is contagious.
You say I make you jealous when I talk about all the boys who've touched me,
But no one is more jealous than me when I think about all the girls you've held and told THEM that you LOVED THEM.
I don't think I can handle us being "friends" much longer.
Every time I'm with you I go to grab your hand but never reach it because I'm scared for your hand to slip out of mine.
I never thought of my future because I'd rather be dead, but if you're with me, being alive doesn't sound too bad.

I'm not afraid to **** myself
What I'm scared of is what happens if it doesn't work out
But I'm doing this and hoping it works.

Mom, I'm sorry I couldn't be everything you wanted out of a daughter. You probably wanted a smart, pretty and elegant daughter and you were delivered this sack of ****. I'm sorry that you'll have to clean up my one last mess. I'm sorry that you'll never understand. I'm sorry I could never 'try' as much as you'd like. I love you always, and forever.

Dad, with you I'm always at a loss for words. You and I have a special bond and when I think of you I think of my likes and interests. My music is heavily influenced by you. Thanking you for showing me what good music is. Thank you, I love you. Sorry.

Bryan, My step dad. You have been here to watch me grow up for the past 5 years and thats cool, I'm sorry it wasnt as what you must have expected. I'm sorry. Please take good care of mom and River. I love you

Diana, My step mom. You are literally mommy number 2. I've known you for 10 years. You have guided me into adult hood. You all did great. I love you.

Please don't think this was any of your faults. You will do great with R and K, you did great with me. This is just a flaw within myself. No amount of medication and counselling could fix this. I past the point of help. After 7 years there scars are too deep to reverse.

My aunt and godmother. You helped me out so much. I love you and I'm sorry you saved all this money for college for me to go throw it away with a few too many pills.

To everyone, I'm sorry. You'll have to go to my funeral, you will feel obligated. But don't go unless you actually cared. I know I won't physically be there but I want to know who would've been there.

Anyways, I'm sorry. This time it will work.

when your parents tell you that staying in bed all day is just you being lazy and that you can't use depression as an excuse; stay in bed
when your friends always complain that you never come out but never want to hear about your problems because its depressing; find new friends
when your dad tells you that your career goals aren't real jobs; spend his money on going to school for learning how to paint
if your boyfriend doesn't spend time with you even after you told him how miserable you are; break up with him
when our job cuts your hours, find a new job
when you get the urge to dye your hair, do it
want a piercing? do it
when your doctor tells you that you are past the point of help, succeed not only for yourself but so you can rub it in their faces when you prove them wrong
when you get stuck in a rut, don't let relapsing be the outcome
always call someone for help because being 17 with depression and no one that supports you can be hard.
make new friends
tell your dad to *******
get a new boyfriend
travel
buy records
take pictures
drink with your friends
hug your mom
tell your brother how much he means
burn your collection of 39 suicide notes that you've written over the past year.
tell your best friend that she means the world to you
make sure those in your life know how important they are to you

This time last year, my hair was down to my waist.
This time last year, I was 16 and in grade 11.
This time last year, I had a lot of "friends" I guess I was popular.
This time last year, I had a game plan, I thought I was going to be a Graphic Designer.
But this time last year was the first time I tried to **** myself.
Yes, to a lot of people this seems over dramatic, because "what 16 has anything to 'die over'", that's what my dad said anyways.
But I'm glad there are people whom are so naive when it comes to Depression.
I'm glad most people don't understand why I want to die.
I'm glad my little brother doesn't think the answer to "should I live?" is "no"
I'm glad my grandparents are concerned when I'm home alone.
I'm glad my mom gets worried when I don't answer my phone.
I'm glad my dad is scared when I'm not home by 4:30.

Seven months ago, I was put on Anti-Depressants.
Eight months ago, I finally told my parents how bad I was getting.
Ten months ago, I realized this probably isn't normal.
This time last year, I almost lost my battle to a bottle of pills,
And at this point if you were to ask how many suicide notes I had written, I would ask you to define.
Would you like to know how many separate notes I have complied into a binder, or how many notes I've left out for my parents to find after I've left the house?
At this point I can say I've had more attempts to end my life than I've had hours happy, but at least I can say I'm Still Trying.