i wonder how much coffee
no cream
no sugar
small glass just in case
will it take for you too notice me

it's so hard to come out of the hole i'm in because it's 6 feet deep and i'm locked in a box with 2 tons of dirt on my chest.

a book focusing on the ill-controlled tempers behind the human connection.
you, begs the questions "why are you" "how are you" and "what do you" based off the cynical analysis of the life of a teenage girl (me)
the intent of these pages is to show the frayed wiring of the connections in life. my hope is by writing this book some engineer will come fix these wires.
news flash, no one has.

today i walked down the street
and
then i fell
and rolled, rolled, rolled, stop
down the hill.
then there i sat wondering where i was
and guess what
i had found myself with you again.

it took me a long time to recognize
that im broken
but not all of me just little small cracks
like a mishandled porcelain doll
shiny, white, fragile
don’t shake me too much
or try to pull my hair
because I will shatter

this site is a library
often I want to shhhhh some of
your comments
whisper yell in the replies

“poets are reading”
reflecting
then writing
“ ˢʰʰʰʰʰ”
you must remain silent

i have a confession
i am sick
(SICK of shame sick of cold sick of heart ache)
my tonsils feel swollen
throat blockedddddddddddddd
anger sits on top of my chest
preventing my dIAPHRAgm from expanding

and c       sing
         ollap

send a doctor
my time is near

they say you are a dream
but baby we have nightmares too

oh buddy!
life is rough...
times are tuff!
it all will get better soon?

why do i love the suffering you put me through

I want to wake up next to you
our calves on top of each other
hairs stand up each time your leg caresses mine
i want to smell your 3 and 1 shampoo
on top of my pillow cases
i want you and only you
I want for you to pull me
so my back touches your chest
and I can feel your heart beat
and i wonder why it’s so fast
I want to know if you’re thinking of me
dreaming of me
i want you.

everytime i hit this juul
it burns the back of my throat
the same sensation i feel
when i'm talking to you

hey. i want you to go.
i’m too broken for you.
you don’t want me—don’t need me,
do you?
I’m bad for you. a poison meant to be recognized as such and to be left alone.
i’ll hurt you.
you know I’m painful right?
don’t you see the wet floor sign in front of my bed!
get away before you slippppp in my tears.

i haven't cried yet.
even though you told me you didn't love me at 3 o'clock
and then blocked me on instagram at 4
hung out with her at...was it 6?
such a timeline of events
i haven't cried yet
im not sure that I will.

i just want you in my bed with me
nothing ****** but
lust itching in the bed sheets

i want to feel your rib cage
E X P A N D
collapse
seemingly pause for a moment
while i worry where your breaths went

I want to feel relief when they return

to see the moon reflect against your purple skin
i want are arms to touch
to grasp you for warmth
i want to sleepily fight for my sheets

i want you again, here with

i had wished on that **** star
that you would not break my heart
but that got **** star ran ran ran away
with my wish and my heart
and left me here to stay awake

the moon moves the
ocean of tears from my eyes
onto my pillow.
i lay drowing
longing for the beach
where i feel safe.

i used to save the messages where you complimented me
told me i was
beautiful
how my smile could warm the seven seas
things that I’d never heard before
so I would save them
because I thought I’d never hear these things again
but
now those messages hold up space
in my phone
because now I see the sharks you hid underneath the sea
and those words ate me up

they said
”uhuhuh imma buy a big gun
bazooka 47
and imma **** of dem zombies
cause dey
surely *******”
and i can’t say nothing to them
cause
i don’t know that they’re not coming
the way things going

when i saw that you moved on
i
washed my hair, and brushes my teeth
and pretended there weren’t tears in the mirror.

i feel empty
like my inside have been taken out of me
and all the remains is a cool breeze of air
flowing between my rib cage and my heart
I look at other people
and I wonder if their internal temperature is also set to the fall season
and maybe I’m not just alone
and empty
but here I lie, in my bed, with the same quiet cold gush of wind inside

sometimes I get tired. not the sleepy kind of tired but the
i
  can’t
           move
out of (that really comfy space ) in my bed
                 and
clean my room
kinda tired.
sometimes I forget about zoom meetings
because my mind is so occupied
wondering
but
sometimes I get tired

today i chose not to tie my shoes the way you like them
or straighten up my back the way you make me
because today
my day
is not gonna be the way you like it.

when we touch I see the dark tar on your skin seep into mine and still forget to remove my hand

im sitting here
wiitttthhh
my friend corine and she just said?
i spelt her name wrong....?
sorry corrinnee
no corrinne

i saw the way you rolled your eyes at her and they landed on me.
did you think I didn’t see?
i saw how you waltzed over to me.
stay away from me.
please.

i sit with pixeled strangers
wondering if this is
the peak of
my life.
where has time gone.
why am i alone.
will i see you on the
other side.

i’d loved him so hard
i’d forgotten how to hate what he does to me.

give me a shelf to put my heart in your chest and give it a home
I’ll even dust it off
put down a carpet
I can deal with the broken ones you have on it too

you -ou -ou
told me to
hold
you
after you had broken
my arms

i remember when I showed you my poetry
and you laughed at me

******* HATE you
you SELF CENTERED SQUARE *** *****
you WILL NEVER FIND LOVE
BECAUSE you HARBOR NO LOVE FOR NO ONE BUT yourSELF
SEEK THERAPY you ******* KILLER.
KILLER OF SOULS
KILLER OF MEN
....

you never showed me how to love
instead I taught myself.

i dreamed that I was in hell
but i woke up lying next to you

I ******* hate him and the
way he makes me feeeeeel.

tired of having to learn lessons my daddy should’ve taught me.

i’m scared to love you wrong
cause nobody ever loved me right.

I tried to love you until the very end.
Until I had no more long to give
I loved  you even though you broke my heart into a million pieces
And swept me under the rug and pretended that I was not there
I loved you even though you left me hopeless and speechless and you hogged all my love for yourself
So
I could give love to no one else
I tried to love you until your tears dried
I even loved you when you had no such love for me.
I loved you until you made my voice box sore, leaving a weird feeling in my throat.
But then the end came
And I could love you no more
Because I had left no more love left for me

i can feel
the
v
  o
    m
   i
     t

of words
spilling from my finger tips.

onto this keyboard.
caused by sleepless nights
i can feel the
slow caress
of yawn spilling up my spine.
can you feel it too?