i get all caught up
in the words you say
i forget i can speak
and i'll be okay.

I dont think ive ever felt love in romance
So i focus on friends
And i find it hard to say what I mean
And i find it hard to tell you how i feel
Because sometimes im not sure
And my feelings are covered in fear
Of what you will do with them
And what you could do to me.
I just hope you have the patience to wait
Because i will tell you
I just need time.

im trying to build houses but
youre stuck inside my head
burning them.

i am giving you time
but i don't know
if i'm being patient
or naive

your love letters used to make me feel
love
and then hate
but now
they are just words on paper
and all they make me feel is
free.

on my own,
I can accept myself
it's when other people enter my mind
that I crumble
thinking of how vulnerable I have to be
to let someone in
to my garden of weeds  
hoping that they have the patience
to see that weeds are still
growth
i have not let my soil run dry
i have just
lost sight of how to grow
anything else.

sipping on something
stronger than water
is the only time
i can feel something
stronger.

you told me that you loved me
so i lit a match and
watched the words
go up in flames
in front of me
i swallowed the words
i love you too

you wanted me to show you so
i unzipped my chest
took out my heart
and displayed it in a glass case
i waited for you to speak but
you walked away instead.
i should have known
when you told me about your collection of hearts
it wouldn't stop
at mine.

I often wonder what it takes
to be able to swim in a tide
as tough as yours.
every time you look at me
i drown.

do not put me on a pedestal
i am human
put me on the ground
can you still love me here?

i wish i knew what to say to you
what you wanted
you never tell me
anything
you just blame me
we aren't moving forward
and i have no interest in reliving a past
filled with so much pain.

each page of our story
gave me paper cuts
by the time i was finished
my hands were sketched in blood
reminding me of every time i tried to turn a page
and you refused.

this was
your chance
to show me
who you were
i learned i knew all along
i just didn't want to believe it.
this was
your chance
to prove me
wrong.

there are two sides to every story
it took me a long time to see
what i called our story
you called yours.

I love you
came out of your mouth
for the first time
without the dustings of
obligation.
at 23,
for the first time,
I believed it.

you wanted to keep me close
so that you had something
but you had everything
and didn't even care
I was whole when you met me
and shrunk to nothing
when you left me.

my dreams are nightmares in disguise,
tricking me all the time they are
silhouettes that look a lot like love
i slip you on like a night dress
delicate and smooth
hugging my every move
a ghost i've let into my body
breathing my every breath
replacing it with unknown
giving it things that once were my own
unaware if i'll ever see that part of me again
i wave goodbye and
in morning time
im born again
but this face that i don't recognize
still isn't good enough in your eyes
nothing ever is.

sometimes i wonder
if you are actually too busy
or if
you're just too busy for me.
i already know the answer
but when i accept it
we will be through
and i don't know what my life looks like
without you.

I thought I was done losing
Done pretending
Done trying to prove
My heart only wants you
To be happy
If you don’t know that by now
I will never be enough
Nothing will ever be enough

If you look closely you can see
Flowers grow out of the darkest parts of me

You don't want anything from me
Im not used to that
Normally someone wants something.

Not having to give
Is a nice feeling.
I finally have time to give myself
All of the things ive been giving away.

i know what i love
i just dont know
where that fits in the world
i mean maybe it doesn't
and maybe thats the point
but where do i carve space for myself
who will help me once i do
and who will try and bury me to cover up the mark i make?

The love you share
Is one i want
One i dont think ill ever get
Not that it is out of reach
Just that
Everything i end up grabbing
I squeeze too hard
Everything i end up grabbing
Crumbles.
At least
I can watch the people around me
Maybe that will be enough

And in the moments i feel im not alone
Someone rips the rug right under me
Just to remind me that
I am.

You walk into my mind
You take over
Its beautiful for a moment
And then you leave
And then its torture

You say I've changed when really
I've always been this person
She has always been hiding
My life was like an endless game of hide and seek
Except no one ever came looking
You never found me
So I found myself

if there ever comes a day
where you don't feel loved
remember I love you
I never forgot you
I remember you every second
of every day
I hope my feelings for you
travel through space and time
comfort you when you're about to sleep
surround your thoughts
and whisper i love you one million times over

Feelings climb out of me constantly
Twisting my stomach and pulling at my heart
For once
I wish i didnt feel sick
So nauseated by my emotions
So extreme
Stuck inside
Such a fragile case.

I cannot handle hot water being held over me
Either pour it out
Or cut me out.

I dont know how you could see my heart
See how it beats slow
And still make me run to you
Out of breath
Just to see how far i can make it
Before it stops beating
All for you
I think im done chasing other people
Who want to see me die

to everyone ive ever loved
i never wanted to lose you
to everyone who said they loved me
i wish you felt the same
you ripped your way right through my fingers
and just let me
slip away
you didnt really love me
loving to me means
never letting go.

before i met you
i deserved better
now,
you do.

there are days
i think i've found
the right ones
there are days
i think i know
i'm not alone
these are not
most days
but i wish they were
i fake that i'm okay with it
truth is
i've been longing for love
but it's hiding everywhere i cannot see.

You were never a home
You were never meant to keep me warm
You were just a person
Passing through
Most people
Are just people
Passing through
I've built a house
Big enough for two but
No one ever stays
Do not confuse me as a motel
Just because I am kind and want to love you
Does not mean you can use me.
Who taught you that?

Thank you for letting me go
For the silence of letting me know
I can move on

Everybody moves on
If you don't
You'll simply be
left behind.

I was right in thinking
you needed to be loved
I was wrong in thinking
mine was enough

I loved an entirely different version of who you are
Yet in the end
The difference didn't matter
I already loved
the first, second, and hundredth version
Every version
Had me
I loved
Every version
How could I accept all of you when you couldn't accept any of me?

I constantly crave the worst things for me
And I always give in
Its too tempting to taste something I used to know
Because lately
I feel like I don't know anything
I'm so lost
I constantly crave to feel at home.

Knees weak
I walked so far to find you
And you walked right past

I just want someone to tell me
It's okay to be myself
When I don't think it is.

I told you at the beginning
To take your time
I didn't mean for you
To take mine too

I watched the flowers on my bedside die
and I thought of us.

People see my smile and they see
Innocence and integrity
They see one girl in one piece
Not broken in pieces
People see my smile and what they don't see
Is me.

Talk to me
Until you can't see
The sense in taking your life.

I'm here for you.

You're lying here with me
I'm already getting dressed
Everybody leaves
It's just a matter of when
I thank the others
For teaching me I can survive
Without

timing told us we were wrong
and we tried anyway
my heart told me you were wrong
and we tried anyway
it's always felt wrong with the ones who ended up leaving but
I can never force myself to walk away first
I don't like giving up on the people that I love
even if they don't love me back

You're just a placeholder
Filling in the space
I use you
The same way
you use me
Only when we're lonely.

Disappointment lies on the other side of opening your eyes so I only kiss you with my eyes closed tight.  Seeing people for who they really are is something that has made me lose hope in the past. If I saw you I'm not sure I'd like you but drunk and with my lips on yours I do, and I'm not sure I know the difference. Real and fake are close friends who trust eachother too much without question. You told me you were real but then you didn't stop when I said no and I started to think that all I was to you was just a body. Suddenly real and fake became distinct and all I wanted to do was close my eyes.  Maybe the shame wouldn't feel so bad or maybe I wouldn't feel so bad. Maybe you'd be who I wished you were, maybe you'd be who I saw before I opened my eyes.

I'm simply a souvenir
A memory of where you've been
You're only ever a visitor here
I am not where you'll stay
I just wish knowing this
Stopped me from wanting you to.