the scent of you would be my favorite perfume. I'd walk to your doorstep,
as early as two. Because I want to feel that indescribable feeling. I wan't to be with you.

and it's not *** or desire that I'm looking for. it's the warmth from your hair, the fire from the blanket we both share.

but for now, I can only absorb my dreams. Pretend it's my only reality. only. why can't it be? See the struggle that is approaching me?

writing your name a thousand times
the line on the paper
would curl up and die

the phrase “love don’t die”
is just a muddled version of
I’d like to lie

don’t make life seem like a fairy tale
books have known endings
stable mendings

we, however, weren't born to get sold

we were born to hold one another
save them from whatever's out there
while we are life's presence
but you cannot believe you can love forever

when she learned how to sing
she forgot how to talk
and when she learned how to run
she forgot how to walk
so when she learned how to love
she had no foundation
so the walls kept caving

It is a bittersweet
How one can live a life
But death sounds better

That I will prepare for that day
Until that day
and when the day arises
What shall I have but a grave?

Would my life have been a waste
Or my bones litter the world

I drink the thought and choke
Because death is a dark hole of no return
Yet people get swallowed alive daily

A faint reminder to my fellow people
Live in the life you have been given
Because death is certain

Your ending curtain

I pressed my palm firmly on the desk
Watched my skin transform into a pale wreck
it's a doing of dirt
But which had to be done
I was going to tell him
What feelings have come
I gulped for air
but it vanished
What I felt was a secure feeling of famished
my teeth slammed together
A force of a traffic jam
my tongue was hidden
Like I wish I was
A smile hopped over my face
Literally hopped over
Because one second it was there
And the next I'm in despair
The whole plan was over
because nerves exist
Even when I wanted to persist

You set me on fire

The consequence?

Your every last desire

It was a hope

But hopes aren't real

As real as your

Fairytale dreams

And to me

I knew it was never meant to be

Because something great

Is better to be desired

my eyes light up like the star on top of a christmas tree
then the glimmer goes away
and blends back into the green of the tree
when I remember
you always walk past me

it seems like every effort fails
that no matter what brand of makeup I wear
I’ll always look like a whale

not in the fat sense
but in the I choke on my words and spit them out kind
that I’m made of rubber and every person who comes into my life
slides right off

My seat slowly shaped
Into a moving sphere
My legs slowly gave
To the lack of steer
Conscious of my eyes
And how my body lyes
Conscious of my demeanor
And how I traced my "i's"

I couldn't help but wonder
Does he try to hide his wandering eyes
Does he secretly wanna hear my name?
*Does he pick up on that these nerves are all part of a silly game?

Nights were called nights
Because they always had an ending of a fright
mysteries lingering around the old tree
tampered grounds only messed with when seen

what happens when we sleep
our eyelids pursed shut
trying to head off to a mystical hut

are we programmed to hide
From what lingers outside?

or is sleeping just a way to rejuvenate
Bend time

I recommend you journey
Find out for yourself
If what's outside is pleasurable
Or bound to head south

lonely nights never bothered me
because thoughts keep good company
I’d rather be homeless
than hopeless

an unsettled gap between my stomach and back
a nerving tone of voice
is what my dad has.

my dads insufficient ways to encourage church
included yelling, guilt tripping, and personal traps
is some of his pestering crap.

church is a lovely place of gathering
though if you believe
that's one thought bubble
I'd like to leave .

I stopped believing after he pestered me for years
his brainwashing cycles
needed a clean.

it's my life
particularly my dream

you can control my birth
what I eat
the rules of the family

but not my beliefs...

you...my favorite poem
is that hard to believe?
it is to me
when every poem I write
develops like a newly planted tree
the seed
precious and ever so kind
I plant it into the cold thick ground
but you see dirt
just embraces the fact that every beautiful start
has to start with a little bit of crap
and so we wait
for this noun to grow
everyday elements expose
who it is
the sun signifying his eyes
the rain washing away as it lies
and washing away his lies
once the elements combine
you create one heck of a dime
a flower whose every bit
would never be diminished
and a flower who has been giving the power
to thrive

you are better than the best poem I've written
you make my heart beat faster than time
I am lemon, you are my lime<3

This is me
not incredibly pretty
but it's all I got
    This is me
    not incredibly smart
    but it's all I got
        This is me
        not incredibly funny
        but it's all I got
            This is me
            not incredibly anything
            but it's all I thought
                Until you arrived
                changed my current perspective
                and my entire life. :)

my ***** little secret
is that some nights
i get so into my dreams
that i actually believe
we were meant to be

then i remember
you've had a friend before
and maybe i'll just be thrown
out the door

cause i can't keep conversation
better less a four week relation
but it's my stupid willpower
makes me come back for more
my stupid tumblr inspiration board

it's me
it's me believing in happiness
and you are the center of
why i keep smilin

i have so many feelings for
i wanna tell them all to you
but i am fearful
that the truth may be rude
so i'll keep dreamin
and pretending it's true

Love is blind
I don't believe that
Because I can see you clearly
Dearly
I can see the way you walk the world
And don't let it walk you
The way you glance at me
Torture
Because you're not mine
And everyday when I wake up
I remember you have woken up too
And I wonder if you have dreamt of me
In the way I dreamt of you
In everything I do
It reminds me a little of you
I never forget a word spoken
A book locked in my brain
For useless and hopeless days
When I haven't found a nice thing to say
Whenever I see or hear your name
My pulse jumps out of my vein
My friends can call me insane
But they will never hop on the train
Of love
That takes off every day
If my words stay glued to this paper
Then my words are serious
If my words float off
And drift away
Then I know that it was never meant to be
And that you didn't feel the same
But let's hope it doesn't end that way

the way he floats his head around
like a lost cause
aimlessly looking for something
when i'm around

lost causes
just need a guide
I'll be that special someone
**if you don't mind

I used to think people thought about me a certain way
In my head I would belittle myself
Thinking they didn't like me

I used to think people secretly hated me
So I acted less superior
And didn't accept any accomplishments

I used to think I was right all the time
That was wrong
But now I'm wrong
For thinking I was never right
I'm right
I'm the person I am
And that's perfectly right

Nothing really is over
it just no longer continues
to be important
for example
you are dating this boy
he is what you envisioned
as your ultimate fantasy
things go chaotic
and nevertheless,
you break up
see
the connection you once made
doesn’t disappear
it fades away
and if you never made a connection
then there was nothing started
in the first place
every person you have ever contacted
any person you have kissed
anybody who has a been a best friend
is important
but when you distant the connection
modern term
defriend ex boyfriend
that person slowly vanishes
into oblivion
but the thing is
it’s not over
truly they aren’t important to bettering your life anymore

I'd rather live my life not knowing
When I'll pack up my belongings
And wave cold goodbyes to my loved ones
Watch them heal themselves at the funeral
Which isn't really for me
But for their hurt hearts
It'll be then when my world transforms
To black and white
Colorless
No more happiness
They cry when I'm born
They cry when I die
And thy cry with every little other thing
That's hurt me in my life
Why is sadness a thing?
Sadness is like a *** of gum
It has that initial burst of flavor
Which slowly fades away
But you still chew it
Because it's there
And you just for some reason
You don't let it go
Until you go to bed
Where you can just experience
A nightmare
Instead
Though I'd rather not know my death day
Until the snow is melted
And I am imbetted
In the ground

Looking in the mirror every day
We see ourselves in the exact same position
Not changing in any way
Getting used to our flaws
What drives us crazy and up the wall
And the proportions of our face
The rotation of our waist
Never questioning what lies underneath
Your blood and teeth
Hoping that's what everyone else sees...

I thought of an odd personality facet I have earlier today in class
I grin, smile, beam, twinkle, simper, leer, smirk
my cheeks feel as if they were about to burst
like a balloon that when I'm around someone who breathes
the balloon slowly expands into a rubbery piece of rubber
and right when it's inflated fully...
it pops.
all of the air floats away and makes someone else's day
and I'm left cold and let's face it, sad.
this cycle repeats constantly
and I don't know if I should breathe
because if I do, someone else will be happy and it wont be me

A connection between two souls
emerges from an uncertain eye
nothing will happen though,
we both remain shy

my thoughts are stars
I cannot fathom into constellations
my thoughts are speedway cars
they wont pace themselves consistent
my thoughtless days are like my self control
nonexistent

When I asked for silence
I didn't mean silence
I meant get out of my mind
because I am supposed to be the master

I've had a bad day

like that gay song announces
every time it plays
and the words have never cut into my soul
like today-
the knives breaking every last bit
of flesh I've ever birthed
how do you stray from these bad days?
sing a sad song
just to turn it around?
evidently-
it wont work
sad songs bring me down
sometimes I'm okay with that.
but not today
not today am I okay with the fact
that my life completely and utterly
SUX!

you may not understand me
though that's fine
because at times
I don't understand myself

*I don't understand what I could have seen in you.

Glowing from the refreshing crystal blue water
an angelic presence
along side
an artistic landscape
with an abundance of animals
roaming freely
everything appeared unblemished
perfect
desirable
my mother finished reading
I asked
is there such a thing as happy endings?
my mother replied
yes
if you work with what you have
and are satisfied in the end
that’s all that truly matters
I took her words to heart
because I’ve never had a true answer
happy endings seemed to only be in fairytales
over the years,
I’ve also picked up on something else
in every fairytale
there are common factors
you aren’t just handed anything
you have to fight
overlook the irascible people
and do what’t best for you.

this was the most  important lesson I’ve ever learned.

Happy endings don’t only exist in fairytales.

**they exist everywhere.

The more you think
the more you wont
the more you do
them more you will

a windy road that doesn't end
a curvature in my spine that can bend
a hum that creates a song
a lake in which the water flows on

My love for you is endless
*endlessly endless without end

A whisper in my ear
told me to have courage
face my fears
and nothing will hurt me
because if I'm not brave
I can't take the risks
that may have been worth it
It's such an easy thing to say
but how do I go about being brave?
Is it all in my voice
or the expression on my face
I need to know
for my upcoming date

I have a fear of fearing
I want to fly and be caught flying
I should dance when it's not sprinkling but pouring
I could wear a hat when I'm swimming
I would yawn when I'm most alive
I am amazing when I'm around guys
I put a piece of yarn between my toes
I wish I had a magic potion in which made toads.

random

I need a remedy
a remedy for insecurity
some magical potion
that will act as a lotion for that unbearable
world in front of me
what caused this
who  knows
how to end it
I want to know
please
I beg of you
my friends
dear friends
is there a trick
a miracle
handbook
that has all of the answers
cause that would be great
or is the answer somewhere closer
within reach
or maybe is the answer
not very far apart
but maybe in my heart?....

they told me to relax
as if i had anything to relax about*

I was nearly failing every class
I was lucky to pass

I thought about things to much
my brain was out of gas

I had no time to relax.

but it was in that moment
that moment of utter rush
confusion
and total wreckage

that I let some wise words
crash to the ground
I overlooked them
and didn't let my friends
snap me back to reality

I took every day as it came
nervous butterflies fluttered about
even suicidal thoughts appeared once in while

I've never had those thoughts

but lately, they've been replaying in my head
scenes to your favorite movie
suddenly it felt like it would be the answer

to what I was stressing

In all of this madness...
what did I learn?

I didn't learn anything
I found it.

I found that as long as you are
you are self motivated

you'll be fine

and in time
your day/week/month/year

will solve itself..

and if you set aside time to relax

not think about the complexities of the world
and stick to the simpler things

you'll make it out alive

today I will unleash my inner self to my class
read a few poems
and hear them clap

I have a storm of butterflies in my chest
of what they may think
am I too deep?
what will they think?
the nerves shoot through my spine
Mom says I'll be alright

as long as I stay true to me
it doesn't matter what my peers think!