how hard can you fight
without the plot armour
that could really be useful right now

more moth holes in the sweaters
as the cost of living costs
the cost of living lives

dark lights never shut up
for a purpose they don't serve
everything for the wrong one

always leaving you with that feeling
tomorrow's going to be a really bad day

wasted words
wasted lives
stuck in time
never moving on
as it moves on

the same soundtrack
plays and replays
decades haven't changed that

alone for so many reasons
and wasted, completely wasted

if it were up to nathan wade jackson
of toronto, ontario canada,
trudeau would be god
and everyone would wear masks forever

i can't wait until we go through with 25A
once we remove trump from office
then ALL of our problems will go away
& world peace will be here to stay

i better start practicing telling everyone
what they can and can not say.

i waited at the ***** bus stop
for too long
and decided to hate the world
as the bus slowly, very slowly
inched along. too many people
in wheel chairs kept getting on

i took a seat next to the talkative fellow
who knew a lot about the DHS office

a few stops later an older man got on
and a woman, not a man, offered him her seat
because he was old (er) than her

he grossly accepted as she stood
tightly holding onto the hand-grip

then, an even older lady got on
and stood in front of the not old enough
to sit on a crowded bus man
while he grossly sat, glad or thoughtless
that he didn't have to stand like the older lady,

right there in front of him
probably old enough to be his mom.

i planned for the worst
and got priced out and let down
when it didn't happen

i waited for david stockman's predictions
to come true
i don't get turned on by doom ****
but it's my only chance at buying low and selling high

real estate prices keep on rising

the smiling all-cash chinese buyers at the open house
pointed their fingers at the water view of puget sound,
said something in chinese,
then laughed

it was sunny out that day, so the water was brightly lit
giving off the impression it would always be like that
or would always end up returning to that

the approximate time frame for the upcoming financial crisis always gets pushed back
so i'm still waiting

there was this part of a story
where a noah's ark was carved
along with all the animals
and given to the orphan girl

a little boy got mad,
destroyed the ark, the animals,
threw them down and watch them break

i can't remember which book,
maybe Heidi or the Secret Garden

just that part of the book

i can't ever hate you enough
i wrote your name
your city
your country
your employer
your most accurate description:

a loser
just a terrible person
who helps himself to everything
including the complete destruction of someone else's happiness
to make yourself feel important
you are that kind of man

i guess that's how weak they make them
in canada

i hope you drink yourself to death
and drown terrified in your own *****
i hate you that much

it has been twenty years
since i once met him in person

once

we met in las vegas
and stayed at a cheap motel
in different rooms

and that is what i have been remembering
the most lately
is the cheap motel
as if there were marbles on the carpeting
of the motel floor
and i slipped on one

the marble game, just something to do
winner wins and keeps on winning
once i am tripped
even before i have fallen to the floor
for it is certain i will fall to the floor

tiny marbles to lose
tiny marbles rolling by
he aimed his tiny marbles at me
he shot his tiny marbles at me

i laid on the floor
for many years after
an easy place to be
got up, fell down, up once more
finally fell down and just stayed down

on the floor not seeing how
life could ever get decent again
a whole lifetime ahead of me
with no *** appeal
and nothing to fall back on

just a tiny marble
for my back to fall on

i met karl denke once
had *** with him too

i met him on myspace,
he was the jealous type
and i loved it,
totally made me feel pretty

i met him in person
his mom called and asked him
who was over and if it was anyone important
he said no

i overheard the whole thing,
but karl made sure that i heard it
because he told me his mom had asked him if
i was his new girlfriend
and that he had said no.
then karl told me that he didn't owe me anything.

he also told me i was too tall,
he was used to shorter woman
"a lot shorter", he said

then another girl called,
he looked at the caller id
and said, "uh oh, i can't take this call now,
i'll call her back later"

karl didn't show me his city,
he kept me in his tiny apartment
it was a bachelor's he said
his refrigerator was very *****

when i got home
karl dumped me
because i asked him if he missed me

after i asked him that
he said:

"that's it, we're through"

he dumped me online
as i was listening to an mp3 file
he had just sent me via yahoo instant messenger

the song was "American Woman"
by the Guess Who,
a canadian rock band, formed in winnipeg in 1965

karl had planned the whole thing,
probably around the time he saw
my body wasn't built for *******

about a year after karl dumped
my american kardashian sized ***,
we spoke on the phone about all his new girlfriends.
karl told me my writing was too angry.

karl is doing really good these days,
he posts book reviews on goodreads.com
about books that i think are popular fiction
but am not sure, since i have never heard of them
and almost never read popular fiction.
karl doesn't care if you like his reviews or not.

his mom posted a picture of him and his latest girlfriend,
who will maybe soon be his wife if she isn't already.
she is a lot shorter, and probably isn't american
so she is good enough for him.

can't wait until karl hangs himself.
i hope his mom posts a picture of that
on her facebook page.

nations run on fumes
and the wickedness of the wicked
sins of the father are the sons of the father
when two generations of pervasive mind rot gather

white and compliantly masked
with your fascist anti-fascist anti-capitalism sign
compliantly held as you walked toward the center of town
where there was glass to shatter and AR-15 rifles to steal

your sign says it all
you still don't get it
and you never will

nothing to ever put on the line
even when your standing at the front of the line
with your facist anti-facist anti-capitalism sign
so clearly defined

you'll always be on your own side

some songs i will always like
others songs i have long lost use for

so there is no song for you
all these years later
a quarter of a century
is too many years for someone like you
even for someone like me

you looked like everything was catching up to you
as your face hung, stubble showing through
your make-up

did you ever try and leave this town
this small, expensive town
you never left it
well i did and sadly came back

it was raining
when you got off at the stop
in the bad neighborhood

probably the closest place to town you could afford
i wondered if you weren't doing well finacially
and smiled to myself
remembering you telling me i was so ugly
on many different occasions, a few times
as you burnt incense in your bedroom
making shapely hand guestures in the air,
playing and counting your many cassette tapes
as pictures of madonna looked down
her mole and redlipstick

still look down for you
because you were dressed
the same way you were dressed
in highschool

long black overcoat to slim yourself down
black creepers to add height
i stared out the window
into the look time decided on in your eyes
at you walking on to the only home you could afford
and it looked like something
very fair had finally happened

butcher jobs
& butchered bodies
app economies
out of scale

just last week
a fig tree fell
in los angeles

maybe one day there'll be a permanent outage
& the real disruption will come

your turn to be nothing
your turn to be no one
in a busy Caracas steakhouse
in a blackout or under a stolen sun
a stolen sun stolen from the poor

hard times hitting hardest in the hurt
all alone in lonely dirt
no bright morning stars for belle

just last week
a fig tree fell
in los angeles

might be nice to know
what al green means when he sings
give it everything
before it becomes time to go
dead luke perry staying dead
& an end of the world that keeps on coming

after the crossroads
the wrong turns
and taken risks not worth taking

there came a time in my life
when nothing came next

no highways calling out for me
just painted rainbow crosswalks
for staying put

i stayed inside a lot
the more i hid
the dirtier the carpet got

it was cheap and poorly cut
to begin with, the dirt i was daring to become filth didn't help

the more i hated the cost of living
the dirtier the carpet got
the richer jeff bezos got

so stupid i thought

it was a daily thought
my own personal seventieth seven

antichrist and nothing
but crowds to fill his headquarters
hairless cat of a shepherd and his reusable sheep
i stayed inside a lot

so stupid i thought
the more i hid
the dirtier the carpet got

she was a good person
who had nothing to do
with the transphobic,

in fact, she had encouraged her coworker eric
to become erica,

when erica was having doubts about having her ****
fashioned into a ****** that would grow hair on the inside
she encouraged erica to go through with the surgery
so erica could finally be who she was meant to be

she wound up pregnant, though not by pre-op erica
and though she have would have  consented to lesbian *** with erica
because every good person knows that you should never
discriminate against trans erica's.

she met a guy named kyle, it was kyle who impregnated her.
a one night stand. kyle thought pregnant women were gross
and disgusting and would frequently say so in the work place
at the telecom company he worked for.

when kyle wasn't working at the telecom company, he was cutting in line at the grocery store, then filming all the women behind him who said anything about it. he would laugh at them and call them karens. "you're going to end up on youtube, karen", he would tell them.

she was grateful that they had magically found all those missing biden votes. 100% for biden. she thought of how wonderful it was that president harris cared so much for women's rights.

she considered an abortion, but kept on putting it off. as she was giving birth, she finally decided on an abortion. immediately after the cluster of cells was removed from her vaginal canal, she requested one. the doctors felt good about obliging, since they were honoring the sanctity of a woman's right to choose.

the little cluster of cells was no more.

proudly, she tweeted about the wonderful experience and had many likes. she included a picture of the before and after of the cluster of cells, which went over really well. she knew she had made the right decision when she got all those likes. a few people even retweeted. things were going to be good now. for everyone.

She's been sitting there for 100 years
sipping and mostly not sipping;
She's so lonely, I hate it. Nothing ever came along to save her.
Nothing changes. No one ever good ever asked her to dance.
She didn't know how to dance but she never stopped wanting to.
It's too hard to know all about it now.

Shunda mu hi uh, i am Pentecostal, I am not ashamed, just read the Book of Acts, I worship only one God, the King of the Jews is His name.
I am Apostolic, and I am not afraid.

She's been sitting there for 100 years,
what do I do with the Delfts blue
what do I do with the Makkum

I worship only one God, the King of the Jews is His name.
I am Apostolic, and I am not afraid.

elane liked *******
and quite possibly ******
and what ever they called ****
in the late 70's/early 80's

she had a daughter named franny
who i played with
and a husband named glen
who she cheated on when he was out
milking the cows

all the milkers smoked cigarettes
and lived in mobile homes down the hill
from us

except for max who went to church with us
my dad offered him a job while he was in jail
i think he turned himself in for some crime
when he got saved

my dad always liked to hire ex-convicts
because he was a firm believer in grace and mercy
and second chances

anyways, once franny and i got into a fight
about our dads
she said her dad was the boss,
which was confusing to me because
i thought my dad was the boss
we both got mad and cried

i used to pick up the cigarette butts
that the milkers had left in some dried out mud puddle
(i was five or younger so give me a break)
and pretend i was smoking

since my parents were united pentacostal
i was taught all about the glorious
tribulations and persecutions that i would have to live
through before jesus raptured us all to heaven

before i was old enough to be terrified
i pictured myself as being left behind
smoking cigarettes, hiding out in trees
kind of looking forward to it

whenever i would go over to franny's place
we would watch cartoons. ****** doo was my favorite
my parents didn't have a tv, so franny's was where it was
at for me.

elane would come out of her bedroom and yell at
franny to turn the tv down because she was trying to sleep

franny was always telling me how her mommy
had an owie in her nose

later on, glen quit
and moved away with franny and elane

and the mobile home they had lived in
burnt down

no blood,
no shells,
everything out of sequence

people were even falling down before the shot was fired

the only thing missing was the handmaid costume
otherwise, everything else about it was remarkably convenient

all over the world, it was as if the lights were about to go out
with india banning all the wheat exports,
it would be nice if they could also stop exporting
incompetence, dishonesty, and the caste system

because everytime a 737 crashes,
we all know what country the engineers are from
same goes for cyber security breaches
always the same link

maybe they made the video too,
it was pretty bad, even by cgi standards.

five of them rode in the car,
the boyfriend, the girlfriend
the friend of the boyfriend,
the friend of the girlfriend
and the friend of the girlfriend's friend

the car pulled over to the side of road
in front of the high school's school yard
across the street from an apartment complex

the friend of the girlfriend's friend got out of the car,
crossed the street
and knocked on the door of one of the apartments
she might have rang the doorbell,

either way, the door was answered
by the sixth person,
gay, teenage, and racist
wore a lot of make-up and had referred to the girlfriend
as little brown girl everytime he had talked to the girlfriend's friend
on the phone, at school, after school
"little brown girl"
he kept on calling her that
said he could never be friends with "little brown girl"

"too brown"
he said

if he didn't already have his make-up on
when he answered the door
then he was putting it on
while the girlfriend waited in the car
with the boyfriend, the boyfriend's friend
and the girlfriend's friend

when the boyfriend, the girlfriend,
and the boyfriend's friend got out of the car
and hid behind the bushes on the sides of the highschool
the friend of the girlfriend's friend walked him out
to the front of the highschool
and the boyfriend, girlfriend, and boyfriend's friend
all ran out from behind the bushes

he certainly had all his make-up on then,

the friend of the girlfriend's friend ran
and the girlfriend's friend waited in the car
lying down in the backseat

there were some screams as she put her fingers to her ears
screams she happily forgot about later

everything since marijuana,
everything since you
everything ever since common sense


left my heart in north korea
i hear things
when i

roll around in glass
just no better to place to go
than hot demeaning insanity

there is this
drug with no pretty on the inside
and no better place to go

strewn around, and dismembered
of reason, this won't be any kind of revolution

tools are not revolutionary,
they are not the ones who will change the laws
that is decided by the power of the few

systemic is their favorite word
and there is a whole lot more systemic
where they come from and where
they will soon force you to go

the good news is you will go willingly,
no one cares about the violations
of your integrious corpses,
not even you really

at this point, you are already donating
your children

karl marx, the slave owner,
will see to it that you too
endorse slavery, but don't you already

all the signs are there
all your subhumanity,
and beheadings in the last days,

any culture that beheads
forgoes humanity
can we all be equal
if the screaming mobs
praying to themselves and false gods
are no longer human

what the ***** of babylon loves most
is the **** of your children
and you are all so agreeably inclined to greet her.

Trump won
Jesus is King
hatred for the Jews always comes from an evil  place
but only all the time

Jesus is King
King of Kings
King of the Jews

There is glory and deliverance
for Israel whether you like that or not

Hell is waiting for you if you don't like that.

she put down her coffee cup
upon a coaster
huge slippers on her swollen feet

and sighed a satisfied sigh
of one who had just finished reading
all the comments on a NYT's article
about BLM
enraged in agreement
that kind of satisfied sigh

set down her coffee cup
upon a coaster
yelled at her foster son
about how she was a single mother
in a world so racist

after yelling at her foster son
she decided being a good person
meant showing her foster son
the wonderful world of chaz
where the undispersed crowd
would save all the single mothers
from a world so racist
it was the only right thing to do

with the day

she put down her coffee cup
upon a coaster
huge slippers on her white swollen feet

and sighed a satisfied sigh
of one who had just finished reading
all the comments on a NYT's article
about BLM
enraged in agreement
and declared Martin Luther King Jr.
a racist, a race traitor, an uncle tom, and a facist
that kind of satisfied sigh

Bake up, tomorrow we can change our lives,
So many disappointments about town tonight,
Pine is down on its needles
Moon's not coming down from its rise,

Bake up,
Sad numbers are selfie pictures
Taken in thick make up,

My mother’s black eye
Always found it best
To get in the last word

Once her head was a hole in the wall
Last word kept on coming

Age is much more than a number
It is the saddest number of all
Edge of a feather is sad too
It is a sad place to stand
Even in fair weather

The good old days that were never here are gone now
And the new days keep on coming
Like her last words

the three dead mice lay stuck in their sticky trap
at the end of the kitchen island
where food was being prepared

"this will never do",  she said out-loud to herself
confused for some moments,
she moved the trap near the toaster on the counter
where the utensils sat, unput-away in their drawer

she continued to chop the food before cooking it;
it was thrown out weeks later, uneaten.

before i left seattle, and long before i made the mistake of returning,
i was babysitting a fish in a fishbowl,
for my brother's kids.

the water in the bowl was cloudy,
unclear, *****, because of the fish
so of course the fish died,
the bowl just sat on the counter after the fish died
but before my brother's kids came back from california

anyhow, moving back here was a mistake.
the cost of living here is ridiculous,
there is no room to be a middle class person here

only  a little kid who works at amazon
whose mom found him his job.

these little kids work for amazon,
their moms type out cover letters and resumes
so their kids can get jobs at amazon

i am looking for a new job because i can't afford to keep the job i have now,

the little kids who work for amazon have it pretty good though,
they can bring their dogs to work with them
they can jack up the rents, no problem

mom is always looking out for them like that

tonight i applied for a job at amazon
i typed in my first name to submit my application
"jeffbezosisacunt", i wrote a quick cover letter
telling them i was qualified for the job because
my mom didn't have to type out my cover letters for me
and because i had a dog that hadn't been trained yet
that i could take to work with me, then i attached a pdf file of a quick reference guide for aol 9.0 as my resume

it felt good
but not for long and not good enough

mark zuckerberg makes me sick too,
i can just see him running for president one day,
needing a good slapping
the little **** has never known any form of adversity
so he just keeps on being a little ****,
he has a lot in common with kim jong un

when i first moved back here, there were all these orange and white umbrellas every morning. those orange and white umbrellas had already taken over.

burdensome stone
burdensome stone
they can never leave this burdensome stone
alone
they would eat their own
to claim this burdensome stone
as their only own

i see you in your true form
even with your middle carved out
you believe in all your lies
maybe they are not your own
but they are still lies
policing language and thoughts
and dehumanizing the vulnerable

into gaping wounds
growing repulsive hair
even on the insides
where the depth is always lacking
and the sensation is shot
but the lies are never true

and cutting off what can never grow back
is all you  are ever compelled to do

what then, but finally realization
or just more lies

burdensome stone
burdensome stone
they can never leave this burdensome stone
alone
they would eat their only own
to claim this burdensome stone
as their eaten own

some dreams are made for diplomat's sons
some hands are not attached to potters
i have two of those hands
i have no potter's hands
i only have two hands

to hold all the wrong things
from hurt to hurtful
to wrinkle their fingers
like caved in ribs of an umbrella
that will not withstand

or press in the growing eyebag
i have no potter's hands
and it mostly makes me feel bad

so proudly surrendered
to chains

He tries the heart
and He tries the reins

justice according to your lanes
He is angry every day

careful now, judgement might be coming your way
He is even angry on peaceful protest day

the flowers
broken from the stem
have been vibrantly colored and trampled
on the sidewalk for weeks
withstanding days of passersby,

a despotic government in town
and citizens so filled with their jodi arias kind of love

knowing nothing of
their coming gulags
or how they can only fail

because the dumb mob is the city
the streets of the city
the boarded up windows of the city,
the defunded police department of the city,
the shattered glass of the city and the ****
in the streets of the city

it is only important to who might as well be no one,
but not to the men who will never be men
but not to the women who will never be women
and definitely not to the men who will never be women
a generation hated from all direction
failed before they even began, they will never begin
there will never be anything in it for them

they totalitarian so much totalitarian
not exactly wild or stallion
just sickly miniature horses
tough as owned prison ***** bronies

no hope
for the plastic garbage in the ocean
plastic garbage intended to pollute the ocean

never a time to get over things and move on
in an intellectually inferior time zone,
never a time to teach or learn about mao zedong.

sixto rodriguez
isn't good enough for you

her faded name makes do
she has an inner wrist tattoo

someone said,
"there are a lot of uncreative people out there who have a need to express themselves"

how true
how true

big mess
big miss
emptiness, emptiness

a big mess grows
all the places emptiness goes
can't always have a garden,
a flower garden
a  dancing kiss upon a fountain

two tiny feet standing on the fountain
two tiny feet, light as air
dancing on the fountain
where kiss on the cheek is a little unfair

i last saw you there
in pictures of what must have felt so weightless

could have been a little more gracious
not just some harmful acquaintance

sure as a black hole to fall through
moment i met you
doing nothing for you

king helpless child
my biggest miss
all the ways to my emptiness
emptiness
nowhere to go
i've been to the places emptiness goes
in this big mess that grows and grows

the parking used to be free
but now everyone has to pay
and pay and pay
ain't it just like that
and ain't it just like diversity

it was a sunny day
the guy selling mushrooms seemed very knowledgeable about his impressive variety of mushrooms, the kind you couldn't find in most supermarkets

the 79 year old man
with congestive heart failure
who had spent his life loving the Lord
and doing right by his family and fellow man
bought a $4 head of cauliflower and three ears of corn
at a dollar a husk

the cauliflower had brown spots on it
the corn husks were dried out and had brown and black spots on them
his daughter said he probably shouldn't buy them, they didn't look fresh

the lady from the third world country put in a bag for him and accepted his money after assuring him it was fresh

cherries were selling for $7 a pound

the man selling mushrooms had a nice variety and knew a lot about mushrooms

there was another stall
the crafts were probably made in chinese factory

the 79 year old man was enjoying the sunny day
as he stood in line to buy a latte for his sick wife
who he took care of

the coffee truck swayed back and forth
as the two young ladies of size
took orders, accepted cash
and made the drinks

the twelve ounce latte was $7
they also had an assortment of blended non-coffee choices
between $7 and $15 dollars

he gave them the $7 and stood with the rest of people
waiting for their $20 drinks to be made
as the coffee truck kept on swaying back and forth

the corn and cauliflower could have been purchased
at a discount grocer that sold old produce
but the third world women working the stall were from the third world country so no one questioned anything

as they happily waited in line after line for $50 cups of coffee
holding their brownly spotted and packed produce

a lower income family walked up the coffee truck and spent $100 on drinks for 4 people

when the 79 year old man with congestive heart failure who saw the best in everyone
and had spent his life doing right by the Lord, his family, and his fellow man returned home, he gave the $7 latte to his sickly, invalid wife.
his daughter shucked the brownly spotted and packed corn
the corn was dried out on the inside.


it was a sunny day.

i.



seller names the price
your backyard full of kids
whose moms got them their jobs at  amazon

hello future
in my backyard
i worked hard
so i wouldn't be able to afford
what i had when i thought i had nothing

time hasn't caught up with the kids yet,
it's going to be a long time
i pay for that, try to save money, but pay
for the kids
in the back yard


ii.

i can change
i can change
i can change

you can't change
you can't change
you can't change

you loved her
you hate her
you have a big problem

who looks too much like you
you look too much like you too

looking like a man your age
with a fetlife profile

you loved her
you hate her
she was ungrateful for your love
selfish not to want your love
didn't have the common decency not to love
who she did love
he wasn't you,

i am grateful to be without your love

a polyamorous couple moves from chicago
to new zealand

things were getting so bad in the states
they both tweeted on a daily basis
multiple times per day

once situated they began to lecture the locals
on the racist colonials who racistly named the country new zealand
when the real name could only ever be aotearoa

"here in aotearoa, things are so much better than in the states"
they would tweet on a daily basis

before moving to aotearoa, the female of the couple
sold her son to a man named richard levine

richard levine killed several hundred elderly people
and can currently be found advocating that children watch ****
and amputate their body parts

richard levine and aotearoa are always where it's at for polyamorous couples from chicago

a friend from chicago sent flowers on a regular basis
and the woman of the couple tweeted how the flowers were lovely
but she would rather have received money instead of the flowers

her next tweet was about how she had a talk with the friend who sent the flowers and how he agreed to send her money instead

there was also an earlier tweet about how another friend from chicago died recently

"it's sad because he gave people in the kink community a lot of money to help them out financially"
tweeted the woman of the couple who sold her son to richard levine.

good morning dystopia
i could really use a rick grimes
to drink my instant coffee with
but all you bring me are the
orange and white umbrellas
infesting the sidewalks of south lake union
every misty morning

home was never home
and is still not home
though there is no place left to go

i've been half meaning to write a book
about a  species that is saved from extinction
but then spreads a deadly virus that wipes
most of us out

there are things
i can't do anymore
i've been doing all those things
a lot lately

just can't stop
every night the songs are played
i've had enough but i would just
have to do nothing or do something else

i'de like to be more descript
but every night
i inhale something lit
and scott gimple just knows
he is a better writer than Robert Kirkman
every time he kills off the main character,
the most integral part of the story,
the whole reason for the story in the first place

we are not safe
all the markets could come crashing down
it could happen any day now

a blue origin rocket ship
never making it to its final destination

no man knows the hour or the day
no man knoweth that

bridget jones had her cigarettes
with wine and mr darcy
but i only have **** and a plastic
one liter bottle of coke zero
and no mr darcy to know the hour or the day

helen fielding, enabler of the delusional,
recycled happy endings

but the plastic coke bottle
isn't a jane austen novel
and the chinese don't want our garbage anymore

there is enough garbage in china already

"there are 8.3 billion tons of plastic in the world"
8.8 million metric tons are chinese trash
for the yangtze river to carry to the sea

sometimes i feel just like garbage previously shipped to china

trash and blue origin debris
comeuppance for the yangtze river to carry to the sea







endless oceans end
same place plastic rocketship garbage begins

celine wrote some thick books
'Death On The Installment Plan'
'Journey To The End Of Night'
my plan was to read them but i never did

i got as far as the titles
then got stuck

they've been packed away in boxes
for the past 5 years,
i had no need to unpack them

maybe if they had been  thinner

what can i do
what can i do
i just don't want to
i just don't want to

everyday i feel so unheld
together

life after life

there's a drink called sweet burgundy
and then another drink called hennesy,
a ****** fine congac

as she sat down
with a glass of hennessy
waiting to die
and typed out her last livejournal entry

where she counted out the pills for us
and told us the names and colors of all three

names and colors i can't remember now

kandis never raised her little girl voice
and was such a good person,
she had no use for evil people
who spoke their minds
kandis was so good, she didn't have unkind
words to say about ed murray

so good in fact, that she once escorted someone
out of a bar in bellevue, wa for talking about
what a ******* ed murray was and still is to this day
kandis did NOT want the world to be polluted by people
who called child rapists pieces of ****

eric didn't like his right arm or his left leg,
he would weep quietly into his lonely pillow
at night until the day kandis softly encouraged
him to cut off both

eric felt a sense of relief wash over him
when kandis suggested that,
so he proceeded to have his right arm amputated at the shoulder
and his left leg amputated mid-thigh

this did nothing to make eric feel whole,
when he confided in kandis that the amputation
had done nothing to relieve him of disphoria,

kandis would have none of it
and softly encouraged him to cut off his left arm
and his right leg,

which eric proceeded to do.

eric lies in bed with two nubs where his arms used to be
and two stumps where his legs used to be
each nub and each stub are beginning to rot,
blackly rot,
but he receives a lot of validation on twitter
because there are such good people in this world
and aren't you one of them?

it has been dark out for an hour
and nothing's been done

list is too long for the marijuana
so there is too much to do
because not enough has been done
not even close

hello again yesterday,
hello over and over again
yesterday

i am locked sometime  back in highschool
outside the one hundred building
walking to the next class

those faces passing by every school day
of that life
in all the same faces
there are two faces
black turtleneck boy smiling at me through his long bangs
i ignored, never made eye contact
or wondered

no john hughes action there

other guy calling out
something about me or the guy i was with
and what freaks  we were

i responded by spitting in his face
it surprised him
which surprised me

walking away
taking all the wrong steps

filth compiles
with the lights on
all these letdown sunday nights

what's in this dust now
a forgotten name
that ruined my life

there was just no other door
to walk through at the time

i stayed and stayed
called your name
forgot i was a woman too
when my savior came
to save me, i didn't go with him
he wasn't you

i stayed and stayed
called your name

until i was nothing
until i was no one

he was my stolen sun,
a stolen sun , a savior came
to save me, i didn't go with him
he wasn't you, no he wasn't you
forgot i was a woman too

until i was nothing
until i was no one.

it was almost two months ago
my new job was going terribly

i had two managers
one was either a compulsive liar or losing her memory
to dementia or early alzheimers
the other one was a typical single, white, overweight woman
who enjoyed flying into fits of rage and preaching about white privilege
when she wasn’t giving angry lectures about how howard schulz’s wife
had nannies to help her raise her children

she didn’t like me
so i just quit, with no notice other than an email
saying i was resigning effective the time stamp of that email

two weeks before i quit, i had the saddest dream
about some guy i had a mental breakdown over ten years ago
i haven’t talked to him since some sad
emails in 2010, he never responded to my last email
i’de been looking him up online lately but retrieving no matches
because his name is so common and it’s been so long

in my dream he texted me or emailed me
magically, he had gotten my phone number
or one of the email addresses i use now
he wrote that he would be in my town
and asked if we could meet

i was really looking forward to it in the dream
i was getting ready, hair, make-up, clothes
i realized my dress had a ketchup stain on it
towards the end of that part of the dream

i don’t think my hair or makeup or face or body looked good
i looked like i look
ten years older and haven’t kept up or maintained anything
not that i looked good ten years ago, but i look a lot worse now
i sort of realized that when i saw the ketchup stain

then it occured to me that he never responded when
i either emailed or texted him back:
“yes, yes, let’s meet again”
there i was, excited, getting ready,
vacuuming a car I haven’t driven in years
i just wanted everything i wanted back

i thought we were going to meet that weekend
but then he emailed me saying
no, he wouldn’t be in town until the 22nd

march 22nd was on a wednesday this year
so i would have just been working late
and getting a bad review for anything i did

i quit my job on tuesday, march 21st, after a hard day of doing nothing
since then, i’ve drank a lot of wine, gotten ******, and smoked cigarettes.

i also found his mom’s facebook page
and his.

his is set to mostly private, but his mom had posted
some recent pictures of him and his girlfriend

he looked weak and unhappy in the eyes.

mornings wasted
spit upon blank pages
stop watch for a man who never shows up
every dream is a hopeful chance
to **** him in your sleep

pull a gun in this sleep
if not, then wait for cancer
a colt 44 is a cold kind of dancer

stolen graveyard flowers
life sentence hours
rabid dogs circling high towers

there's a movie inside
an unfixable life
a demon you thought
was just some pretty thing
something young
coming down the elevator
coming like communists made in china

ugly laughter made in china
something young like laughter laughing
a demon you thought
was just some pretty thing
ugly laugher made in china

something young
an unfixable life
hungry as a reaver
disarm for harm
stockpiles piling

buy your cancer,
cheap, chinese, and made of plastic,
made of slave and
made of master
made in china
buy your cancer
like a demon you thought
was just some pretty thing

hungry as a reaver
a seat at a ***** table
150 square feet
one burner hot plate
made of cheat, made of china
made to confiscate and made of hate

mornings wasted
spit upon blank pages

russ drove down memorial drive
in his powder blue 1950's dodge wayfarer

the sun might not have been shining brightly
at that exact moment, since I was on the school bus
on my way home, it would have only been
an afternoon sun,
but in my memory it was the brightest time had ever been
because i sat in my black school bus seat
and looked out of the school bus window

at russ in his powder blue 1950 dodge wayfarer
with his green hair in carefully shaped statue of liberty spikes
russ was smiling at something

i would never know what
but russ's windshield was so clean and clear
that it just looked like such a colorful world
i was going to do my best to be a part of it

so excited about the life
i was going to end up
throwing away

such a wasted beautiful life
for the far-gone to forgo

the woman was dragging the little girl along
yanking her arm, speaking in unfriendly and resentful tones

the woman had a mean looking face
nothing pretty about it. her short black hair
and mean looking face had gotten all they would ever need
to remain forever mean,
forever short and forever mean

the man of the couple cluelessly held the hand of what must have been his other daughter, mostly in silence.
he might have said something to the woman,
too old, too mean, too chinese, too ugly  to be his au pair
so she might have been his wife,
or his girlfriend or his ccp incentive
but given the girls white supremacy he must have left another wife

both the little girls had long, thick hair; it was pretty hair

i saw them when i was walking home from work one night
i was tired and confused, it was getting dark out
all over the bricks of downtown seattle

given how old the man and women looked, the little girls could have been his granddaughters, but that didn't occur to me at the time
because children often have a good time with their grandparents.

today in the grocery store
i saw two men,
at least in their late fifties,
maybe in their sixties,
i couldn't tell, they just looked sort of old to me

at least one of them was wearing a fidel castro hat
the one with the fidel castro hat was also wearing these
patchwork pants of many different colored patches that looked like hippie pants
the other one was wearing a long peasant skirt, with as many different colors
as the patchwork hippie pants
the one in the skirt was wearing some sort of teva like sandals

i saw them again as i was walking home from the grocery store

you could tell by looking they still thought the sixties cultural revolution was still important
and they were still doing something important
and that they were still important
because they lived through the important sixties cultural revolution
and made all magic happen in their hilarious patchwork pants and peasant skirts of many bright colors
on my way home i saw them walkling somewhere
i didn't follow them so i can't say where

i read that lonely people look forward to grocery shopping

a few months earlier in that same grocery store
i saw this really old man  who was looking up at the cans in the aisle with the cans
there was a bag in his cart, in the bag some sort of depends like under garment

i looked at that and just thought
oh man, this is not good
his hair was very white
he was wearing some sort of clog
to indicate that he too
had done his part to bring about very important social change
despite the bag  not being discrete enough for the contents

11 years earlier in the same kind of grocery store
a few blocks down
another old man with a white pony tail
and a crocheted hat or beret
starting talking to me about debbie harry
i was wearing a blondie tshirt that was way too tight

he wanted to talk about that shirt
he told me he had lived in san francisco sometime ago
or something like that
maybe he said something about cbgbs and inciting
social change or haight ashbury and the glorious cultural revolution
of the sixities

and how he had been there for all of it
i told him that we couldn't be friends with everyone all the time

he got mad when i said that
this was in the produce section
i walked away as he was putting something round into a plastic bag

that guy is probably dead now

i thought i moved on from all that
but i found something i really loved
and let it ruin my life
so i came back to all that
i just pay a lot more for it now

pennies on the screen
diamonds in the ground

deep under and down ticking down

pennies on the screen
down ticking down
deep under
they found diamonds in the ground

light going out
where baby stars surround
the dim star devoured the young planet
death star's got to eat

a refill of fear
then off the rails again
second hand smoke
would be a great improvement

hang your flag upside down in distress
wait for worse things to happen
bad things have already happened

look around you,
the red guards are kneeling hard
ching chong, wade across the water all the way to mao zedong
too unrepairable to understand
a stronger hand made strong
by an Almighty hand

and so in the confines of their cluelessness
tomorrow's chew toys are only useful idiots in black masks for now
conditionally loved by the even weaker minded, currently still cheering them on
as their small or fat black masked bodies laughably block the crosswalk of broadway and denny

some are robots running on outdated programming,
built to self destruct,
their particular model will run for president and answer to names like
judas pence or mitt romney

some cry wolf
but we've heard it so many times already
it doesn't mean anything anymore
the unfit mother might not even cash in
on the blown apart remains of her knifey daughter

most others are a sad, feeble kind of gladiator:
the andabatea, often found coding or developing at amazon, with limited or no visibility; always blindfolded and overpaid, always hearded, always hated by the end user,
the bestiarii never prepared to fight the imported beast,
the noxxi never meant to have a chance with their dull swords, always too worthless for opportunity
so many noxxi with their dull and laughable swords
blocking the crosswalk of broadway and denny

that class of gladiator.

the two tall cans
horizontally lined up to each other
again

how quickly years can go by,
3,5,6,7 and so on
the more years that go by
the faster they go by

maybe it started
with a surprise, an unexpected win
and ended with a disappointed dream
a truth that just couldn't be changed

such filth in this world
such beginning of sorrows
woes of Isaiah and so on

a truth that will never be changed

defectively loved children
and stupid nasty mothers
from india

he/him/demon/jeffrey marsh
richard levine in a skirt
you feel too safe with trannys in the military
no problem with trudeau throw away canadians
diapered biden, turbaned canadian, uk and so on

third world greed
and so on
bereft and garbage scrunched,
valerie jarret really does look like an apely primate
a dead ringer

threads and more threads
rats bought for food, mouths fulls of rats and mangy *****
and a truth that can never be changed

just look at you now
mouths full of rats and mangy *****
whites are indigenous to europe
***** in the streets
third world greed and so on
just look at you then
the more years go by
the faster they go by
have you heard about the beginning of sorrows?

a good dream would be one
where mark zuckerberg and zelinsky were
hanging motionless side by side
a dead ringer
small little disgusting men approved by disgusting people
and so on.

fifteen thousand days
for things to go wrong

it was just one of those fifteen thousand days
where things didn't go so well
that was today,

in my time
there is no more time
only stoner time
and five dollar andre wine
marked down to 4.99

tired of the everyday loser
in the last of light
hating sunday nights
for all they're worth
for all their worth
change the tense to the time,

in my time,  there is no more time
only stoner time
i couldn't make the distinction
in time