I’ve found the meaning of family.

I see sisters laughing/ joking about who takes over responsibilities/ each sister attending to the others need/ partially/ I don’t know who is taking care of who anymore/ showing teeth/ assuring they are fine/ asking for strength/ even if just to relieve the others of worry

A husband supportive and argumentative and kind/ he calls her little girl/ a grown women fighting her fiercest battle/ he tells her she is not alright/ joking/ looking at her with fondness/ through eyes that haven’t closed in 48hrs/ through the oceans of tears he’s blinked/ he paces trenches into the floor

A family that has gathered at a whim/ over the Pacific/ across the country/ the smell of airports and car seats cloaking their sleepless venture/ the call to gather was heard/ it was answered immediately/ without hesitation/ one way tickets/ you too/ me too/ all of us

An incredible, unabashed bravery/ facing God/ fighting the pain/ without medicine/ without doctors/ without anything/ but the help of loved ones/ refusing to let go/ bravery unmatched/ bravery by example/ for all of us to learn

Silence in everyone’s eyes/ deafening silence/ collective gazing/ we sing a chorus of passing looks/ at each other/ at the phone/ at anything/ you never get use to holding back tears/ we know/ we don’t need anything more/ a smoke plume of red across each eye

A stillness in my heartbeat/ breathing has become a chore/ slowing my chest/ I remind myself I’m still/ living/ I’m here/ My heart beat to match the hyperventilating of my lungs/ it races double time/ triple time/ exponentially/ it turns to micro beats/ it stands still/ my heart has learned to comfort its own weeping

A calm lie I shudder to myself: I am not crying/ I am not the one in pain/ I am not the one fighting more than sadness/ I am not losing it/ the battle I mean/ I am not the one d-d-d-d.../ I am alive/ whatever that means anymore

This is a steam valve slowly releasing/ this is the oxygen machine/ running through cycles/ like waves of nausea/   this is not the scream of sobbing/ this is not the hiccups of drowning/ this is the steam of water splashing/ from the juices hitting blender/ now hot from being used on the hour/ every hour/ I’ve learned the sound of whirling can sound exactly like the clock hitting each hour mark/ this is the sound of the food being cooked again/ nourishment to the caretakers/ who haven’t left her side/ not once/ this isn’t screaming/ this is just steam/ and like tears on a cheek/ it will evaporate/ just like us

This is the product of seeing the youngest sibling age/ and wilt/ right front of our eyes/ too young to be the eldest/ too fresh to be most fragile/ her tissue skin/ paper mache limbs/ still sturdy and determined/ she stutters her words like scrabble and graffiti/ her thoughts missing pieces/ like a child’s smile/ she ad-libs with blanket/ she is bad at charades/ so are we

A fighter in all of us/ we are fighting tears/ we are fighting bad news/ we are fighting death/... / I finally said death/ I lost that fight before she did/ she is fighting our grief/ she is fighting to get a word in/ and her fight for that word to even come out/  she is fighting a war i can’t imagine/ we are fighting by her side/ each battle as unique as a fresh spring bloom/ each with the same outcome

A love in all of us/ I see it in every guided foot step to the bathroom/ in every new set of eyes that breaches the doorway/ I hear it in the Questions that echo back/ are you okay?/ how is she?

A fighter/ a lover/
a survivor/ a family/
Her/ in all of us

Caring/ smiling/ stubborn/ laughing/ joking/ worrying/ attending/ crying/ praying/ but most of all/ still living/  in all of us.

I found
the
meaning of
Love.

I found the meaning of Family.

I looked into your eyes through shimmering teardrops
collecting into the birdbaths of my lids.

I found myself
among the endlessness of the universe.  Although
not cold, I searched for the stars I wished upon in the distance.  
No words shared.
My eyes were on a mission to figure out how this
galaxy wasn’t home.

You were ripped from
my heart
like a waxed strip on my hairy chest.  
What I mean is,
you removed the growth I had nurtured
and left an area bare and enflamed.  
And with the sharpened tongue
of words unsaid and undone,
your name was carved on a fresh bleeding heart
in shell shock.  
Added to a list of names I can’t speak without a stutter.  
Letters I read twice, like checking to see
if the iron is still hot and if my heart is still wounded.
The pain was  
tearing asunder memories that have not come to fruition, histories yet written, like pulling the nitrogen
from a fog blanket on the city.  

I unraveled the parts of my brain
that had strings to my heart.  
Your kisses became fingers shedding
the Onion layers of my soul.  
The outer layer was rough but sticky
and hard to cleanly remove.  
Each descending layer that followed was juicier and
commanded teardrops to come fleeing like refugees;
first wave, second wave,
then a full spring of unstoppable measure.  

And in your eyes I had moments saved
like zones on a video game.  
Each time we looked at each other to recount our progress,
life would give a small countdown and ask:
continue or quit?

I wept for each person I met with you.
My inner self found their files and
embraced each one with a letter of appreciation and
kissed them goodbye with my sincerest regrets.
My eyes sang them swan songs and promised to
cherish their memory like a scented candle
whose wick was snipped too short;
More could have been enjoyed
But what a lovely burn it was.

Sleep

Why evade me
When I need you?

Charming me from a distance.
Like a sweet memory that
Wasn’t mine to have.

I held on tight
and wept in your arms.
I felt free.  
Really free.
The free that lets go
of years of collected tears.

Like a hammer to a swollen piggy bank
of saved emotions. My tears became pieces of porcelain shattered upon your chest.
Each piece was a part of me I held on to for a future I didn’t know was here.
I wept.
Each breath howling testimonies of forgotten hurts.
I inhaled your words and let go
of a fear that my past was too much to handle.

I inhaled your love
and exhaled love I kept reserved.

My chest burned as if it were opening from a melodic password I wasn’t aware of.

I felt lifted.  

My heart exploded light.
And in your arms,
I felt loved.

Put your hands on me
Yea, I want your hands on me.
Take me away, make me feel Safe
And wanted.

If love is blind,
Then I embrace my scars and curves.
They will help my lover
Read my body like a book in Braille.
His hands will navigate the history
My life has etched on my skin;
stretch marks like haikus,
Battle scars like gentle greeting cards
That whispered "wish you were here"
when they were formed.

Put your hands on me.
Read me.

Your Kiss is electric
And my body jumps at it
As if it were a basic instinct

These lips will be your bubble gum
Daring you to chew the flavor out
And let your thoughts take a walk

My body will light up for you like a lightning bolt across a night sky
Eagerly seeking your bones to ground me and your hips to grind
And your lips to collide with mine,
Like charged ions finding another
And when what's left leads into something right.
Bright blue electricity flashing hot white

And when the flashing slows
And the roar of our thunder turns into a distant lullaby of afterglow, wind-chimes  and zephyrs,
I will see the stars I chased
And wished upon,
never forgot about me
or my dreams,
Just gave me more days
And different ways
To find you
And
To really recognize you

when i gaze into your eyes
i get transported forward into a new dimension
where i'm just an observer of countless entities and stars

I count my stars that i've been blessed with
by such a vision.  
and every twinkle in your eye
could be another starburst creating new life
and epochs of infinite emotions.

so when i stare at you in awe
and i'm at a loss for words,
what you are staring back at
is a traveler looking at the cosmos
that is your beauty

Your voice is beautiful
i hope the words resounded
when they were spoken from
the creation's origin.  

a loud murmur of my heart snap-snapping
to the poetry slam we share between us.

Let me tell you
about this crazy dream I had

I looked over at you and smiled again
You put your head on my shoulder
We've been watching the cars pass
Through the streets of the city
Like stars falling from our galaxy

Ever have those moments when
time
slows
down?
Everything gets quiet
And my eyes felt like they opened
for the first time
And i felt music and art and poetry
for the first time
And my ears could only hear our
heart beats in sync
And your breathing

This was one of those moments
Like the first time I met you

We played connect the dots with the stars
And drew each other pictures of the future
I felt your grip get tighter around my hand
And I couldnt help but belt out a laugh

Can you believe it?  
Of all the particles of matter
And molecules of life
Of landscapes
And creatures
And people
And planets
And timing
And chances
We slammed into each other
Like we've always been en route
For this crash.

And like two fireworks
We took the sky and stole the moment
In a wild display it took my whole life to perfect
I would do what I could to see you shine
the brightest
I went through years of fuses and duds and restarts,
sparks and false starts just for this moment when
You ignite me to the potential I never knew was there

See, your best brings out my best,
And the more I can do for you will enrich me.

Your warmth is something I didn't know was possible
Until it was.

You are proof that lotteries
aren't only won in monetary jackpots
And hearts aren't only made for
Beating in a singular rhythm  
But in a drum line to a symphony.

We danced in our own company
And your lips dropped breadcrumbs
across my body
So you'd find your way back up to my kiss.
I've never felt lips burn so deep like yours do
You left gulches on my neck with your breath
And dug out safe places
where you will always be welcomed.

Let me tell you
I wake up to sleep now.

These little fingers
on his little hand
gripping mine
to say hello
Makes me realize
how love can
Create and grow

Helps me understand
what I need to know
That life is precious
And shouldn't be rushed
My own mortality as contrast
to his new life

I'm definitely not in any rush
When my cries for comfort
For food
For a warm hand
patting my ***
And cooing me to sleep
Are so similar to his.

I provide what I can
Because I understand
And I know what he needs.  

Two days of life
and a lifetime of lessons
I wish him better luck than me.
And will do what I must
So he can live a more robust
Life than me.

Take my ashes to San Francisco
Follow the steps
And lay me to rest where
I always felt free and at peace

Step one: Irish coffee(s)
Step two: Irish coffee to go
Step three: take the walk and shed your demons
Step four: find my spot and sit
Step five: tune in, unwind, and listen for my reply

Let me go into the ocean
And I'll always be within reach
Stay by the sea and let the water  
Sing you my love songs
I'll be the fog on the horizon
And the brisk embrace
of the Pacific mist

And if you find yourself in need
I'll relinquish my spot
for those days you could use an ear
And feel comfort
Know that I'll hear you
And I'll reply
And if you weep
Let the raindrops that fall
And the howling of the wind
give notice
That I am weeping too

You may grow lonely
But you will never be alone
I'll be within waters reach
And in the city I will
Always be alive with you.

Take my ashes to San Francisco.

It has always been
distance and time


I could make you happy
Make you smile

If you weren't so far away

My love is real
I am real
but all
you
know
is
distance


The next time
Will be far
from now

We will be older
And my lips
will have yearned
And bones have mourned
And eyes have wrinkled

But my love
is real
I am real
And all
we will have
was that
time

The air is moist
The clouds outpour
Our California rain
has commenced once more
Each water drop
on its way down course
The sweet, fresh scent fills the air
With plants and ponds
The gifts are endorsed
While children play without a care
This February weather I do adore.

Mid-month we all gather by pair
The feel of love fills the air
And all of Eros views from above
Sighting out certain people in mind
With a shot of his arrow they fall in love
Then celebrate the day of St. Valentine
A day like that I find so rare.

My eyes are moving up and to the right
I've been awake all day and all night
Caffeine is the enemy, but it's my only friend
I'm hyper to the point which it cannot extend
My fingers in a frenzy, my wrists i cannot calm
I have a river rapid flowing from the sweat on my palm
My legs are always shaking, my attention span is short
I need my coffee strong by the cup, ***, or quart
The time is going swiftly, the day is setting in
Just the perfect time for me to begin
I drink my the morning coffee every ten past the hour
I have to redo all my plans- leave, get dressed, then shower
The sun setting slowly, the moon is rising fast
I wonder how long without sleep i can last
The trouble with insomnia is the length that it'll take
I'm not really sleeping, but I'm not really awake 

There we laid in bed
Face to face
Bodies connected
Our hands in a constant motion
Sending affection
through our fingertips

Like hands feeling the rushing waters
of a river for the first time.
My head was cradled by your arm,
reminding me that I was safe.

I looked into your eyes.
I looked into your soul.
I'll never let go of that moment.
I felt at home in your presence...

Close eyes
open heart
breathe
get through this
breathe
open eyes

...I'm chasing shadows thinking they are you
I'm doing double takes in town
I'm Listing off the reasons
But the days are getting stale
And nights are extra cold
I'm here with a memory
Of what is was like to
love life
With you

I always thought I'd grow old
With you
And now I'm told it's untrue
With you

So I'm jumping through hoops
And Washing away the thoughts
Of you
And nothing seems to break this
So I'm just
Running in circles
Chasing the darkness
Trying to find my way
Oh I never thought it'd be like this
Living in a memory of what it was
With you

I always thought I'd grow old
With you
And now I know it was untrue
With you

Was I ever really the one to say.
That this would ever be easy?
I never made a promise yet that I couldn't keep.
Yet every time you put up that face.
that face that tells me I've done wrong.
Shows you i couldn't promise you forever.
Cause dear,
there's just
something about the pain that keeps drawing me closer.
And I'm not quite sure it's the best deal in the house.
But I'm not budging.

My blinders were on for so long.
I thought it'd be nice to let go.
Excuse me if your death was just a product of my mind.
Sometimes, it needs to be there.
Sometimes, it helps.
And no, I still will not make promises to you that I know are false.
Because we've all been down the hard road, and dear.
I've been down too many.  Spare me ---

Were you the one who told me, "Love" is all we needed?
How could I ever ask that much from you?
I knew how naive you were, because in a far away land, I too, was in your shoes.
and even though the fire diminished in our violent wake.
I still have the need to thank you.
Because love is a lesson.
And even if our hearts cooled down and snuffed out the fire.
You taught me.  Yes. You taught me.
And yes dear.  I was a student and took it all in.
And yes dear.  I learned---

through the eyes of my lovers i see.
the happiness they once brought to me.
my heart beating black and blue.
cuz all i could do was think of you.
cuz all i could do was think of you.
cuz all i could do was think of you.

please answer me how. how. how.
i don't know what to do now.
how do i feel something you stole from me?
how do i fall in love again?
how do i fall in love again?
how do i fall in love again?

was it me who said i couldn't live without you.
was it you who said you wanted more to go through.
this is hardly what i deserve.
you being my mentor of love.
and me being the love lesson learned.

another's smile is warming my heart.
but the void left there cools quickly.
it longs to beat another's name.
my heart needs it.
my heart needs it.
my heart needs it.

you're long gone, but I'm still a prisoner
of a love that rides like a tidal wave.
destroying everything in its wake.
passion, please break free
passion, please break free
passion please.
break free.

i want...
you to understand, this is going to hurt.
i want...
me to accept that there is no other way.

was it me who said i couldn't live without you?
was it you who said you wanted more to go through?
and this is hardly what i deserve.
you being my mentor of love.
and me being the love lesson learned.

Chances are you don't feel the same
Significant value when I hear your name.
Partly because I've felt no shame
Hopelessly going about playing the game.

That all changed the day you stayed;
One special day our bond was made.
Rules were set that I obeyed,
Everyday I played a different charade.

Everyone in this town has gone by,
Instinctively I tell you another lie.
Vivid dreams distort me of you and I:
Rosa am I and I your guy.

So why can't my dreams come true?
Endlessly I've fallen in love with you.
Simply be yourself is all I ensue.
Tonight I'll wish upon a star for you.

Not out of lust, nor personal affair,
Can't afford to lose the bond we share.
Only God knows how it's not fair.
How a love like you comes so rare.

People tell me I should just let you go.
My emotions have been tethered to and fro.
How can they just say, "Let you go?"
All they see is the pale scarlet snow.

Enclosed is my love for you held secretly,
Never again my face you'll see.
Remembered in my heart you'll be,
Never again your face I'll see.

Every Time

I'll never get a chance
to forget that we'll never work,
Cause you make sure to remind me of this
Every time.
And sometimes I joke,
And sometimes I wonder,
But I know the feelings I have for you
Are long past buried in your mind.
I know that you're hurt;
you tell me through your eyes and hesitation
Every time.
I struggle to see you smile
Cause deep down inside I know you understand,
Even if you make a stand
Every time.
And if I cross that line with you,
Please forgive me,
But you know
I can't let go
Of something that wasn't mine
To let go.
Even though
You remind me with that smile
Every time.

I wanted a love
that would do me right.
I wanted a love
that would show me new light.
I wanted a love
that could survive a big fight.
I wanted a love...

and I got,
Something more
to live and learn.

When I first met you,
you were as true as your blue eyes.
When I first kissed you,
everything felt so right,
so when I asked you,
I knew my heart wouldn't be denied.
I wanted a love...

and I got,
something more
than I deserve.

You are the ultimate lover,
my heart feels so sore,
like a drug I cannot break,
I'm always craving more.
I wanted a love...

and I got
something more
than visions burned.

Something more than a connection,
more than just affection.
I got
a love.

My heart, my love, my body,
please let go of this struggle
and start to thrive again.
Ebb and flow once more,
return to your prominence.
Slow down and heal yourself;
knowing you will get there,
soon I hope, completely.
Allow the pain to pass.
Never forget what made you live,
oh, never forget your soul.

Oh boy, the way you touch me
has got my mind doing backflips.
You're the ray of light
that melted the darkness away.

Always showing affection;
yet leaving me just enough to crave more,
taking me higher then ever before,
heaven is in your arms,
always in your arms.

I read your body like a book in brail,
and I felt your love with both hands,
and I breathed you in like a fine wine,
every curve you have was telling a tale,
You linger on me, my senses fail.

But I'll, I'll, I'll cradle this
cause I know we got some wickedness;
open eyes with a tender kiss,
Oh boy you've got me feeling bliss!

Keep me in your heart, I won't desert you,
finally I've learned that I deserve you,
can't bare to think that I would hurt you,
so i'll do my part.
You've awakened the inner heart.
Knowing your love will stay,
you're that ray of light
that melted the darkness away.

When I heard what you were about, i was a skeptic,
thinking you were not real.
The night I finally met you, a zealot;
you satisfied all i had to appeal.
"A meat market" the audience proclaimed,
"place of synthetic bliss!"
But I know the truth about you now,
your passion exceeds a ******'s kiss.

You are the ultimate comfort,
you are the place where the love is free.
Where the youth go to stray from the world,
anyone who has felt you would agree.

Lights...
Sounds...
Soothing...
Rolling...

so much energy within your walls,
you sweat with our testimonies.

...flashing
...enchanting
...voices
...eyes