hi um i got back from vacation yesterday and today i had a appointment with my surgeon for my knee and i just got terrible news and i cried so much and ive been crying right now and i just wanted to let you know that i wont be as consistent with my poetry. I am in a really bad place and my depression is getting so bad and its getting the best of me. I wanna take the time to focus on my mental and physical health. I also wanna be patient and wait to heal as i am not happy because of the things i am not able to do with this messed up knee. It may sound stupid how im giving an excuse to random people why i wont write as much but ive felt more love on here than i have from my family. I love being able to write and share my thoughts and feelings without the need of being judged. I love every one of yall and am so grateful you take the time to read my words and give your feedback. Thank you so much and i hope to write sometime soon.

Sometimes I hate my body
But sometimes I feel like a hottie
It's unpredictable how I feel
The feeling of hated can easily steal
It feels like such a crime
But I guess I'll have to take it one step at a time
To relearn to love myself again
Maybe I'll feel like a ten
Having something of my own
Wishing I didn't feel so alone
To feel more confident in that bikini
Sometimes I wish I was just a little more skinny
It's hard for me to see other girls look the way I want to look
But in the end I don't want jealousy in my book
They say the prettiest thing a girl can wear is confidence
I wish I had more of that.

my stomach,
it twists and it turns.
Should I go or should I stay?
These thoughts surround my head,
Scared of what lies ahead.
What could go wrong?
I'm not sure that I belong.
Oh silly me, just be free!
For this is your only chance to feel alive again.

I'd like to think myself as normal,
Just an ordinary girl.
But I'm not into butterflies,
I don't do ballet twirls.

I hate wearing make-up,
No eye shadow or blush.
I don't have time in a morning,
As I'm always in a rush.

I don't wear fancy underwear,
Especially not a thong.
For all the girls who do out there,
I think it's kind of wrong.

I don't spend hours on the phone,
Just simply chatting away.
I only need to take five minutes
On my hair every day.

My room is not spotless,
My room is not a tip.
I don't put powder on my nose,
I don't give teachers lip.

I don't go after every boy,
That I come across.
I don't think I'm better than everyone,
Don't think that I'm the boss.

I don't walk with my *******,
Held high up in the air.
I don't try to shake my bottom,
Or twirl and flick my hair.

I just want to get through,
These taunting years of school.
I don't care what you think of me,
I don't care if I'm not 'cool.'

And I do have a good time,
A laugh with all my friends.
I balance it with learning.
This is my beginning, not my end.

I beg to you.
I cry to you.
I wait for you.
Do you even care?
Are you even listening?
I mean i've been getting closer to you more than ever.
I've been doing better for you. For me. For my family.
But hey,

Not ever your best is enough.

You may hate me now but there was a time I was your wallpaper.

You may hate me now but there was a time where we would fall asleep on the phone.

You may hate me now but there was a time when I was your favorite person.

You may hate me now but there was a time when we would talk every day.

You may hate me now but there was a time when you felt betrayed by all of your friends and you didn't want to be with anyone else but me.

You may hate me now but there was a time when you thought i was the most beautiful person in your eyes.

You may hate me now but there was a time when a certain song you liked would remind you of me.

You may hate me now but there was a time when you missed me after a day of not seeing you.

You may hate me now but there was a time when you thought you would marry me

You may hate me now but there was a time when you loved me.

I found my knife.
Isn't that nice?

I apologize.

You and me alone
Madness of world locked away
Peace and quiet reigns

Fleeting eternity
surrounds the mountaintop,
nestled in a lush green valley
time forgot.

We're born, we learn,
and sometimes we weep.
No thought of time,
it quietly creeps.

Stones skimmed
through freshwater streams.
Breathing the harmony
of childish dreams.

We frolic, we flourish,
often in haste.
Time saunters by,
ample to waste.

Where seconds seem
to have immortality,
distant clouds tick to the beat
of our destiny.

We aspire, we desire,
we love and fulfil.
Time, we notice,
hasn't stood still.

It unravels
and unleashes.
It's sentimental,
yet sprightly releases.

We respired, we loved.
The winds of change blew.
Time we pursued,
yet it silently flew.

Gently fade into the
midnight hour of peace.
Our dreams immersed,
their flickers cease.

Ashes will carry
on a summer breeze.
Floating skyward
beyond the willow trees.

From earth to heaven
with God's grace and a prayer.
Listen to your heart,
you can find me there.

Have you ever held in pain to the point where it seemed like you didn't care?
You could've sworn you were crying,
But when you went to wipe tears away there was nothing there?
Going through life empty,
Just letting the world pass you by.
Numb to any feelings,
Just wishing you could die.
I feel like this daily.
So lost I don't know what to feel.
When in fact I do feel pain, I can't believe that it's real.
So as I lay my head down tonight,
I close my eyes and pray.
I pray that God will give me guidance and to maybe feel someday.

I lie awake tonight,
Wishing of things I can change.
I try to convince myself,
But it's all so strange.

Is it me,
Or is it you?
Do I try,
Or are we through?

So long we've shared
Just to walk away.
But so much hurt
To want to stay.

Why do we do this,
Try to hurt the other more,
Only to watch one
Walk right out the door?

I love you so much,
Yet I push you to the point of breaking,
But why do you play with my heart
And never stop taking?

Is this the end
Or a new beginning?
Only one can guide me
When my head is spinning.

Don't push,
Don't try,
Don't stress,
Don't cry.

That is what plays
Over in my head
As I try to close my eyes
And just go to bed.

I slit my wrist to erase the pain.
you look at me and think I'm insane.
My eyes turn red, bleeding my tears,
and still you try to protect me from my worst fears.
Look at my scars, then you will see
why I can't seem to go around and fake happy,
yet you tell me you love me, that you'll forget,
for I'll soon be gone, and I'll be your greatest regret.
So let me die, broken and scarred,
I can't deal with life, it's getting far too hard.
Everything's gone wrong; it's not worth trying,
so leave me alone because I feel like I'm dying.
I don't want you to worry,
because my life is ending in a hurry.
I'll be fine and happy, you see,
for death is what I wished for and soon it will be.

I try to write but nothing seems to come to mind.
"Oh how about this?" Nah, that sounds foolish.
I know I'm smart but it's like my brain just restarts.
Oh what to write.

You could have given up,
but you kept on going.
You could have seen obstacles,
but you called them adventures.
You could have called them weeds,
but instead you called them wildflowers.
You could have died a caterpillar,
but you fought on to be a butterfly.
You could have denied yourself goodness,
but instead you chose to show
yourself self-love. You could have defined
yourself by the dark days, but instead
through them you realised your light.

To have your last name
makes me ill.
You make me so angry
I want to ****!

I hate your voice
and the thought of you.
You were never there
when I needed you!

You're inconsiderate,
you're a lazy slob.
How could you do
what you did to mom?

It's like you don't
even accept me.
What kind of father
can you be?

You're stupid for thinking
that I'd forgive
what you did to me...to mom... to grandma.
How do you live?

Do you regret?
I hardly doubt.
I bet that I'm
the last thing you think about.

Don't lie to me.
I know I'm right.
I don't want you
in my sight!

Stay where you are;
don't bother.
You're lousy - I hate you
You're not my father!!

But that's okay,
you see,
because I don't need
your love!

You've forgotten
me before.
Go ahead...do it
some more!

LOSER! ****! - I hate you
you're not my father,
and guess what,
I'm no longer
your daughter!

Time doesn’t heal wounds
to make you forget.

It doesn’t heal wounds to
erase the memories.

Time leaves you with a scar
to remind you of how you fought through it.

Time leaves you with a scar
to remind you of how you bled

and how you survived.

You survived.