i have felt the hands of god
they were my brother's hands
feeling me up on the living room couch
only eleven and i knew
god was a greedy teenage boy
with sweaty hands and a *******

i get over things
right away. i'll never get
over anything

today my wish at 11:11 was that the fire alarm would shut up
some freshman had pulled it, trying to get out of class
but it was making my sensory issues go crazy between the blaring sounds and flashing lights

and at 11:11 it stopped
"all clear, false alarm, all clear"

this doesn't sound like an opening line
a line that seems off follows it
this train of thoughts doesn't have any cars
just skeletons

but as you look out the window
and see the empty train
pass by
you might have an idea

for a better closing line

i broke my heart for you
and you don't even know my birthday

the covers will protect
me from the monsters
but they won't protect me
from the fear

seven (7) drafts sitting lonely
seven (7) always was a cursed number

maybe that's why i can't write anything now

maybe i'll keep this in my drafts, too
so i can make it

eight (8)

there are some things i wish i could forget
like the calories in a stick of gum
or your phone number beneath my fingers

reggae music
and vegetables
crying alone
misspelling my own name
losing time; losing space
weeds growing in cement cracks
dried paint, beginning to peel
scorching sun
uneven breathing

and not being able
to fathom my words
into anything
with a purpose

i.
every moment with you
feels like another memory
to keep me warm at night
when you leave again

ii.
every jacket i take
loses it's 'you' scent a little faster
or maybe you just stay away longer this time

leaving me with a jacket smelling like my empty room  

iii.
memories and jackets and "this number has a voicemail box that has not been set up yet"
you have spent more time in my dreams than in my arms
this isn't how i thought love would be

overwhelmed and breathless
but
in the way that makes you
tired of existing

until the realization
that i have not been
drowning
deep in the ocean

my feet are planted
in the sky
and it's only my head
under water
and
if i just keep walking

i'll be in the clouds

you make me
want to use
the 'L' word

and i don't even cuss

i'm doing
this
for me

right?

i don't need
your
opinion
to know
that i am
valid

right?

i am capable
of deciding
what
i want

right?

i wanna fall in love in october
so we can have a song written by girl in red
and pretend it was for us

but i'm falling and you're not

on the last day of september
my bones
aching in my skin
i can't help but feel
that i have lost
much more than i gave

i built walls
of glass around my
heart

and walls
of stone around my
mind

i protected my thoughts
with rock and cement
thinking myself so
wise

but i should have used the
glass

i want to drive with you at night
steal the aux cord from you after fighting about the music
and put on The 1975
cause baby i'd love it if we made it

i want to wrap your hair around my fingers
while you read to me from your book written by a dead russian guy
because everything sounds interesting in your voice
and i'm happy to be the crime to your punishment

i want to smoke with you in the sun
as you call me a bad influence
we can blur the edges between us
and call it poetry

i want you but i'm just a little too embarrassed to ask
if you want me too

i know that
i don't
deserve it

but i'm still
sort of waiting

for you to say goodbye

why do i always fall for the ones
that are unable to talk about their feelings
and get close without getting close to people
the ones with fires in their mouths
and ash in their eyes

maybe i have a passion for self destruction
by someone else's hand
or maybe i just have a kink for
people who empty me out
people who i empty myself out for

you didn't love me and i accepted it
because that's what i deserved
she doesn't love me either
but i don't want to accept it

because somehow by not loving me
you taught me that i deserve love

his smile:
as tight as his belt
her lips:
as red as her throat

and it makes them more noticed,
but no less alone

someone told me i fall for kind people because i can't stop letting everyone walk all over me, and at least the kind ones will try not to leave bruises. and i laughed like it was a joke and i was the punchline, but i found another bruise in the mirror last night.

i fell for another kind person, but the problem is that kind people lie. and i never know how to distinguish the black and white from the grey. i'll never know if you like me because you treat everyone like stardust and glass.

but i actually am stardust and glass. i am precious and fragile and everywhere and i need to be held. i want it to be by you. but people that weren't as kind already broke me and now if you touch me the way i want you to you'll cut yourself. and blood doesn't wash out of a doormat.

so i don't initiate conversation. i hope you can't see my broken heart on my sleeve because it has your initials written on it in ink. i haven't decided how close i'll let you look. but maybe one day i'll let you walk all over me and hope that i feel like home.

you took my hat off and wore it
it looked better on you
you took my shoelaces and
tied them around your wrists like bracelets
i wanted to hold your hands

you showed me your poem
something a little dark, but i liked it
and you always tell me what book you're reading
you tell me to watch your favorite animes
even though it's been years since i've watched anything at all
i watch them all as if they will show me the world through your eyes

i thought i was special but i learned you do that with everyone
you told me a list of her favorite anime characters from memory
you told everyone in ap government the books you were reading

my shoelaces weren't even the only ones you stole
i wish i could stop pretending i mean something to you

i wish i meant something to you

when did "want" become "need"
when did "bye" become "****"

when did "kisses" become "breathing"
when did "leaving" become "drowning"

when
will it be
okay

to be human?

when
will skin be

beautiful?

when
will we
be able to

breathe?

your hands are so clean
i'm starting to think that maybe
i broke my own heart

who can tell us
that clawing the thorns out of our chests
is wrong?

these roses aren't for you

we were on the phone really late
and i'd rather hear your voice next to me
but this will have to be close enough

the conversation lulled as we both started to yawn
and i hoped after we said goodbye you'd dream of me

we said goodnight and you said 'i love you' first, this time
i said 'i love you, too' with a smile encasing my whole body
and you said 'yeah-yuh'
like me loving you too meant you won the jackpot

and i have never felt more like gold

why do you like my ****** poems?

you complain about how people
can hardly see the difference between your pupil and your iris,
because your eyes are so dark
but i love the way
i can see my reflection smiling after your lips turn up

you call me hot, babe, honey
i call you ******, loser, simp

you have to leave me in two months
when your future catches up to you
but i'm the one with 'goodbye' hovering on my tongue

i'm trying to make up for three months of love poems
that i couldn't bring myself to write
but i can feel my bitterness leaking through

i can’t immortalize you now that i can count the days until you leave me on one hand

and you tell me horrible things like
“i’ll wait for you” and you say terrible words like
“i promise” and i cant seem to do anything but cry and need you

consider this my goodbye
it’s the only one i can bear to give

i can't look at anyone with purple hair without seeing you
even though you dyed it silver just before you.... before we.... yeah
it *****, but i'd rather see you in people that aren't you
than not see the you that you aren't when i look at your face

that makes no sense

i keep confusing the you that you showed me
with the you that i made up
and i still don't know which one loved me

but i know it is 'loved'
past tense

i'm pretty sure it was past tense
even before you sent me that text
oh god, that text

i didn't know a heart could shatter so slowly
and yet completely all at once;
like an ice cube that cracks as soon as it hits the water
but takes hours to fully melt

i hear you in all the songs we used to listen to together
and these days, that's most songs i play
even though i finally mustered up the will to delete the playlist i made for you

it was just a part of the melting

god was always just a pair of eyes
on a chipping billboard in the centre of it all

he either doesn't have hands
or doesn't use them
i guess i'll never really see exactly
what you meant

but i know he's never done anything but
stare