They don't know
I smile knowing this but inside I burn in despair
Conflicted, I find myself staring at my shadow
I wish they knew
I wish they didn't
Its the "what comes after"  that causes me to hide inside my fragile skin
Its the "what if" that has my heart throbbing
For now the lights will be off and when you come looking for answers, I won't be home

Smile I say,
Inhale with the knowing of yesterdays rain
Believe in the good and bad
Smile I say,
Day is for memories and Night is for thoughts
Don't confuse them
Smile I say,
Sadness is only temporary and never perpetual
Happiness is perpetual and never temporary
Smile I say,
Not because you have to but because you want to
The pressure and air that lingers around you is young and only wants to prepare you
For what?
Smile I say and soon you will know

I got used to the saying, "It is societies fault."
I got used to the saying, "It is the universes fault."
I got used to saying these excuses.
Every fall and twist that cracked my shell, I would scream and point at the excuse.
The more and more I was pulled and tied, I would scream and point at the excuse.
This is not my fault, I would say. This is theirs.
Every insecurity that was tattooed onto my fragile skin, every rejection that was pinned on my forehead, and every mistake was a glowing neon sign on my back was not my fault I said. It was theirs.
Little did I know that these excuses blurred my sight and the truth was lost in the pile of excuses.
I lost count.
I forgot who I was.
I lost my ability to keep my head up.
I forgot that I was strong.
Little did I know that all these excuses were lies keeping me back from unveiling the truth.
The truth was that it was not societies or the universes fault--It was mine.
I gave power to the excuses that destroyed me.
I let it control me.
If  I knew the truth ahead of time, I would have tried harder.

I hide behind these paper walls
Words sprayed on the walls
Revealing a different universe
An escape
A portal
A second chance
A new perspective
I hide behind these paper walls
Because I can't live in this world
That has no escape
That has no portal
That has no second chances
That has no happily ever afters
I hide
I hide
I hide
I hide for freedom

Bleed
Bleed
Drop
Drop
Thud
Thud
Open yourself
Be vulnerable
Take a risk
Bleed
Bleed
Drop
Drop
Thud
Thud
We must drop down the brick walls to Love


-*Susan

Self centered and selfish
Earth revolves around us and only us
No one else matters
Our problems are number one, above death and hunger
Selfish it is called
Survival of the fittest because only the strong survive
If the boat was on fire, we would jump first, not caring if the others are hurt
Jump because we must take care of ourselves
Jump because it is our life
Jump because we might not get another chance at life
Jump because we must be strong
Jump because we are self centered
This sounds wrong and selfish but you know what they say, the truth hurts.

It is unpredictable
Every speck of dust
Every word spoken
Every distance traveled
Every forbidden thought
Anonymity and imperceptible
This is my role in the place I call home

~*Susan

Hell has rose
Everlasting agony
Loneliness lingers  my heart
Pain is all I know, pain is my friend
Maybe one day the pain will go and
Every day can be worth living


-Susan

You were suppose to hold me tight at midnight
You were suppose to tell me I am beautiful
You were suppose take me out and show me off to your friends and family
You were suppose to kiss me every day
You were suppose to tell me that I was the one
You were suppose to say I love you
But instead you were with her
The girl you claimed that was your friend
The girl you said you did not like the way you liked me
The girl you kissed in public
You held her like she was a diamond
You kissed her like she was beautiful
You loved her like she was the one
You were right, you did not like her the same way you like me, you loved her and liked me.

-Susan

I want to be my own universe
Mold the way the stars shine
Allow lost souls to come and be loved
Align the way the moons orbit
Ban bad thoughts that consume the human mind
Bring in the murky milky way
Cut off the toxic air that creates these profound feelings of hatred and sorrow
I want to be my own universe

-Susan

I have been trying too hard to be the person everyone likes
Showing the world a first class smile
Standing tall, looking like a queen
Pretending that I am not afraid of what is behind the door
Believing that I just have to wait one more year until I can burn off the mask
Telling myself that then I can be me in a year, the girl with stories in her head, the one who never wears shorts, the one who loves to act, the one who has too much to say and a heart too big to show,
My forgotten heart won't listen to my brainwashed mind

At times I am a fearless warrior
Other times I am too shy to risk a hair
I tell myself I am good enough
But when the time comes and I must compete against my opponents
I coy away from the thought of failure
Weak and little
Insecure and afraid
But I know I have the passion and desire and talent
I just don't want to be a failure because criticism made me who I am today
Strong and Weak
My conflicted persona does not make things better

He strutted down the hall with confidence.
His crooked smile reverberated goosebumps along my bare arms.
His deep soothing laugh drew me to the heaven light.
His blue grey eyes held secrets of pain that made my heart scream for him.
His foolish jokes made my frozen frown thaw.
It was not till his warm hand brushed mine that I knew I had oblivious eyes.
I had fallen for this gorgeous human being without knowing.

-Susan

I did not know that I would end up here.
Here where the hummingbird does not sing.
Here where people do not smile.
Here where people come to when they are lost.
Here where the crystal blue ocean, that I long to see, has turned red velvet.
Here where no one sleeps.
Here where the forgotten ones come to be remembered by the dead.

Its the atmosphere that intoxicates my mind
The people, everyone, going on with their own life,
Some even smile at you,
The breeze that waver through my hair makes me feel invincible
The plain grass I sit on is simplistically beautiful,
The little kids swinging on the monkey bars and laughing make me smile,
They are so young and happy,
So many people, noises everywhere-laughter lingers my ears and it sounds like a symphony
A symphony that has been written by love itself
At this moment, I don't feel depressed or angry,
At this moment I feel bliss, joy, wonder, pleasure and delight,
At this moment I am happy

Grey clouds consume my mind,
Fills it with a deadly poison,
My heart feels as if it is shrinking and the pain is excruciating,
I can not hold it in,
I can not pretend that I am not hurt,
I can not lie to myself and say "It is nothing",
I can not because I am human and I feel everything,
I began to think and think of the black abyss I contain,
I can not stop thinking and I hate it,
I hate it so much,
"Stop, stop, stop"
But I can not stop feeling
I can not,
Then, I break into infinite pieces
I try to grab each piece
But there are too many and the baggage is too heavy and
I fall.

-Susan

There she is, four feet away
The broken girl with the tapped smile
The one who only wears long-sleeves.
The one who hides her emotions.
The one who fears to cry.
The one who fears to be weak.
The one who fears her own mind.
The girl, the broken one, she, who dares not speak or show of what she is feeling.
Her! The one that has secrets hidden under her sleeves.
Her!  The one that calls herself ugly, fat, worthless, stupid.
Yes her! Do you see her now? Look at her.
She moves when you do, mimicking every move and breath.
Oh.
No.
I have been looking at my reflection for too long...again.

The lights are out
The noises are hushed
The air is frozen
My tears are constant
Flowing, endless, burning
A gasp escapes
I stop and listen
No movement
No one hears
No one knows
No movement
Except me
Only me