mana mungkin rindu aku terasa
jika diungkap dengan bait bahasa

sayang
dakaplah aku
rasakan rindu aku
kerna mana bisa ayat dan kata curah rasa ini
andai kau rasa perit dan pahit ini,
lepaskan lah.
biar aku bebas terokai dunia
tanpa rasa sekat dalam raga

aku penat
-menunggu sesuatu yang tidak pasti
dalam hal ini, adalah kamu

jalan yang dahulu kita lewati tengah malam kini kian sunyi
dulu, ada sahaja tawa kita kedengaran
entah
bukan aku tidak cuba untuk berhenti ada fikiran tentang kamu
tapi
bagai aku tersekat

sayang
andai kau rindu
andai kau rasa perit dan pahit ini
lepaskan lah aku

*agar aku bebas teroka dunia

not a poem but something that have been stuck in my head since four years ago*

High school was never easy.
Even the happiest person said that they have a bad memories in high school.
They get bullied
Some people would said that I should treasure everything that happened in my high school life.
I know. IVE TRIED SO HARD.
But I cant.
Folks in high school are weird.
Not that weird. They're...... 'weird'..
They're full with hatred
-full with negatives vibes
-full with idk why the heck they want to bad things to other people.
For me, I dont know.
I dont enjoy anything
Everything looks so depressing
Full of hate..
I tell you
I've been trying.
And its my fourth year now
Trying to be positive
Trying to understand everyone in the school
But
I think.. This things cant be help no more.

Everytime I walked into my school
My depression level increase to level 99
My loneliness can be felt..so clear
My self-esteem drop like hell

High school even teach me not to trust everyone.
-people always leave no matter what why when or how.

No wonder some people killed themself
-some kid do selfharm
-some students would ditch school
-some people do drugs just to run away from the school probs

Idk is it just me or what

Oh gosh.. I wish I can just scream at them in their face.

menangis dan berontak jiwa muda
melawan prejudis dan komunis
minda anak kecil pula dijajah
katanya ini untuk masa depan
namun mereka lupa dan sentiasa lupa
dunia ini sifatnya selamanya sementara

diktator terus tersenyum
korupsi negeri negeri menjadi bukti mereka kuasa besar
kapal empayar tidak lagi membawa selamat
malah
--membawa mangsa untuk segala seterusnya

rakyat pula umpama anak kecil
terumbang ambing dan terus merengek
gaduh rebutkan yang tak pasti
cuma ada beberapa yang berani, kan kedengaran suaranya
lalu mereka itu dibunuh
agar senyap
agar tiada masalah ditelinga

kelihatan belia itu duduk
menongkat dagu
keluh resah dan bimbangnya kedengaran
berat nafasnya
--lalu berapa lama lagi?
tanda soal yang tidak berjawab di minda nya
umpama terdampar di laut dengan pelampung
menanti untuk diselamat
tapi masih tak pasti.

seru untuk semua yang ada;
yang masih berkudrat
yang masih waras akalnya
--lalu berapa lama lagi?

-f 1029pm oct 2nd

dan ada apa pula dengan rindu
rasa yang sesak di dalam
yang tak mungkin bisa kau ungkap guna bait-bait bahasa
biar bunga mahupun terus

apa itu rindu?
sakit. perit. pahit..

melihat matamu
kerap kau basahi bibir
pipi kamu kemerahan
tatkala aku sahut namamu

redup hari itu
tenang kamu kelihatan
indah,
indah seperti hari biasa
cuma hari ini aku rasa lain

hati aku berbisik
tangan lembut ini yang menyamankan
yang sentiasa ada tatkala aku gusar
gelisah aku tentang kamu cuma satu
--andai aku tidak layak untuk kamu

tanpa segan
perlahan kau dekati aku
sambil itu kau belai tangan aku,
seperti meletak harapan
"--aku tahu, fikiran kamu dalam tentang aku.
namun sayang ingatan kamu tentang aku adalah salah.
apalah rasa ini, andai tiada yang ikhlas untuk memegangnya?
telah aku pilih kamu untuk jadi ratu
maka, jangan kau gentar
pimpin aku akan selalu tanganmu"

dia itu adalah bijaksana
sentiasa tahu
dan selalu tahu resah aku yang tiada habis

lalu Tuhan
pinta aku mahu dia sentiasa selamat



-f 1048pm oct 2nd

andai, dan kalau
orang boleh jenguk hati orang lain seorang seorang,
naluri nya
atau mungkin periksa tahap remuk jantung nya.

aku rasa,
itu sudah cukup buat mereka untuk diam
mungkin sentap seketika

sebab,
sebalik setiap insan,
remuk hati, mati jiwa,
setiap perasaan yg berkecai,
tidak akan mampu didefinisikan dgn sebuah 'insan'
di luar roh dan nalurinya.

ada yg gigih sembunyi.
ada yg kecundang.
lalu mati bersama jiwa.

melihat kamu meluru laju dan melambai
biarpun jauh, hatimu aku baca
lantas aku bilang maaf
pantas dan cepat aku meluah
jelas setiap rasa aku khabarkan

sayangku,
hakikat dunia tiada siapa mahu sunyi
namun aku harus gagahi jua rasa ini
andai ada hari kita tidak bersua seperti ini lagi
dalam tidur aku sentiasa ku rasa dakapmu
dan dalam setiap hariku, sentiasa indah dengan wujud imaginasi aku tentang kamu

sayang,
bukan kah amaran dunia pada kita sudah jelas?
tentang rindu yang tak bersahutan
cerita perasan yang sentiasa dan selamanya tak pasti
dan sentiasa aku pinta kamu
untuk terus percaya aku

lalu lembut tanganmu menyapa aku
meminta aku berhenti

entah kenapa
dalam diam dan biacaraku berhenti
aku rasa nyaman dalam dakapmu

mungkin ada pekara yang patutnya aku diamkan

--mungkin ragu aku adalah sama resah hatinya

mungkin.
?

-f 1030pm oct 2nd

indah nyaman yang menyapa buat kamu tenang
lantas kau tersenyum

indah
terukir anugerah Tuhan yang satu ini

syukur aku punyai kamu
yang menyenangkan sentiasa
genggam lah hati ini
sematlah cinta dan kasih

life is always a hunger games.
how to survive.
to **** or not.
but u have to survive.
or else, you'll die. or get killed.

get it? no?
goodluck.

I look so ugly at 3am.
Im a mess when I woke up.
Im not that attractive while walking down the streets.
And i wonder how did you love me
And how can you say that Im beautiful.
Dont lie.  
You dont love me.
You are lonely
You are bored
You missed being loved
And thats why you wanted me to stay.

Weak -- I called myself.
Breathing and walking, but I cant feel any energy of mine.
Am I...even moving?
I cant even help myself.
I keep saying "it's okay, let's try again, shall we?"
I..am too gentle to myself.
Somehow, people like that side of me.
Too gentle, too soft.

And people starts to waste me.
Hurt me. Smash me, **** me. Slowly
With their words, with their stare.
In silent, but with meaning.
Meaning--
hate, hate, hate you and more.

I knew, I know,
but I didnt say anything. Not because Im scared.
But because Im tired. I cant shut each of their mouth.
I cant please everyone.
I know I cant.
Because Im too gentle. Too soft.
I rarely talk.
Worst than ever, I cant express any of my feelings.
People will judge me
They'll say
Poor little girl, you're pathetic. Such an attention seeker
They said that.
I heard them. Even when they're not talking.
I can see it, in their eyes. Even if they didnt tell me what did they thought about me.

But still, I didnt speak.
I say "it's okay, let's try again, shall we?"

*(Ai, Oct 3)

have you ever thought to fall in love in classic way?
like, two love birds will glance at each other eyes.
or atleast, exchange their favorite books.
or drink coffee.
or cuddle in each other's sweater at 3 am.
so he can play around with her hair.
and tell her how wonderful she was to him,
although she looks like a mess at the hour.

do you ever thought,
that this little simple things can make love grows?
we're all nowadays; actually, not in love.
we're just seeking, desiring, wanting,
to feel the love.

we dont even get the idea of falling in love.
that's why people get hurt.

I wish to be in your arm at this hour
In your warmness during these cold nights
In your hugs when Im all insecures
I wish you'd shut me with putting your fingers on my lips.
I wish you'd laugh at my lamest joke.
I wish you'd hug me from the back while I was busy doing stuff.
I wish you and I could cuddle under the blanket. No i mean just cuddle.
I wish you'd wipe away my tears when I cried and kiss me.
'Its okay Im here' just simple as that. You know you can get me.
I wish you're here playing with my hair.
I wish you'd stay.

Most of all
I wish you were mine again

*Ai, Oct 7

I saw you in my sleep

But its different this time
With your clueless eyes, and
I can feel it in your chest, your hopeless heart
That is beating but.. Not sure
You smiled, a plain one.
You then grab my hand
And hold it
And hug me tightly
Like a goodbye
like we're not meant to be together

I still can feel your warmth..
I look at you in the eyes
Waiting for a clue
why
You kissed me and left me clueless
And, you fade away...
And I've never seen you since then

But
Im very sure
I saw you in my sleep
I saw you in my dream

*(Ai Oct 9)

we stroll around the city till the sun sets.
i glance over the clouds
while you're next to me

both of us
-strangers
-tourists
in the city
we got lost into the city and so do in ourself
babe, i found you
beautifully
imperfect
and i show you my flaws and scars
the ugly side of me

yet you smiled
and keep on looking foward
i dont know wherr are you taking me to this strange city
but somehow i feel home whenever you touched my fingers

I have always wondered
Did i ever cross your mind
Or maybe just a glimpse of thought about me.

Or maybe, just random things at the groceries store that reminds you of me.
Or maybe the coffee brew that you smells at the coffee shop, got you thinking about me.
Or maybe the scent of the rain that reminds you of me.
Or maybe the foot step at the hallway, also reminds you of me.

Or maybe the thoughts you made before you sleep about me.

I am here.
Wondering with all the maybe(s)

your fingers, that used to touch my nose,
--are not mine anymore.
your giggles that caught me gazing over you,
--none of its were mine again

we used to talk. we used to walk together.
with love
sigh
what if we didnt die that day?
what if we love more..
what if we stay a bit longer..

you let me die
you dont even try to save me
you let me drown
you let me down
you let me walk away

*(Ai, Sept 26)

babe
i thought it was me
the girl in your dreams
--through your lonely sleep
the one you held so close to your chest
i thought it was me
--you're feeling for

behind all my thoughts was all your thoughts about her

is it wrong to say i miss you?
babe
we have been not talking for days
and you expect me to be good
to be well
to be chill

i cant do any of that without you

salah aku adalah apabila aku setuju untuk selam hati kamu
dan terus aku teliti semua yang ada

salah aku,
tersentuh kamu
dalam rasa, segala indah

sayang
andai dapat aku ulangi semua
ku akui
pinta aku adalah untuk bersama kamu
ingin aku adalah untuk dekat kamu
mahu aku adalah cuma kamu

dan maaf
sempurna itu jauh dari aku
sasar dari segala milik diri aku

sayang
mungkin cinta itu bukan milik kita
mungkin kita hanya punya rasa
mungkin kita salah
..
.
.

mungkin

Im going to share a story
A story that people thought they knew
  A story where people dont actually wants to hear
   A story that people never have a thought that it would be true
    A story that made people cries over the reality of life.
     A story that made people felt bad about themself
       A story that made people sad and pity over their own society.

Depressed. Self-harming. Suicidal thoughts.

None of these are jokes.
I've touch the scars and bruises they had.
-Im sorry. I found joy in these
They said.

And tell me now
How sad.
How sad our society are.
That we thought we knew
That we thought we understand
But we let them to do so.

The suicidal thoughts are worst.
Their nights are sleepless one.
None of it is well
-I'd be better off by tomorrow
They said.
Now thats just how much our people care.

What a shame

back then it was okay to call you at 3am
now it's even rare to hear you say hello
it's even hard for you to pick up the phone

"babe. i'll be different. i'll never be like any of them"
dont babe me
--you lied
there's no any part of you shows me that you're different

i just want you to asks me if everything's okay
-want you to be there
-want you to be next to me
-want you to be honest
-want you..
i just want you...

why is it so hard for you to do so...

At this point im tired hopeless and i cant see us no more.
Im hurt.
Im done. So done.

But at the end of the night,
Why did you seems like trapped in my mind.

Dude, explain me why.

1259am.

Im awake
Thinking bout you
But you probably in your deep sleep
With her lullaby that she sang for you

Im alone
Thinking about you
But you probably in your dreams
With her hair in your arms.
Well basically with her
--cuddling
And sleep.

You left me alone again tonight.
You love her..
You do
I can see it in your eyes
I can see the way you talk to her
I can see it when you hold her hands
Things changed.
Im no longer your favourite
Im no longer in your playlist.
Im slowly fading away from you.
Im no longer exist inside you.

I wish you can see me just like how you see her.
In the eyes.

*Ai, Oct 6

I;ve been left twice. Without knowing why the reason was.
Left unsaid. Left hanging. Left.. alone.
It puts me into despression.
I started to mute.
Being silent is my favourite.
Reading books. Alone in my room
--Something that I'd enjoy.
School?
Another depression. With people walking around me.
Staring at me like Im some kind of an idiot.
Stupid.

But,
I didnt shout to anyone who's trying to talk with me.
I screamed. I screamed thru my playlist.
-thru papers
--thru my stare.
Yes, no heard me. I like it.
People said that Im sick.
Im not sick, Im just sad.
and no one tries to understand me.
To hang myself or to cut?

*(Ai, Oct 4)

Soon it's past midnight
You put your arm around my waist
And i put mine on your chest

We talk about alot of things that night
You tell me about how did you get all the bruises on your knees and all
And i'll then fall asleep in your arm
as i found joy listening to your sleepy voice

Your place your warm hand on my cheek
And I heard you said
"Im the luckiest ever"

I caught myself smiling too.

Because I know you so well
You wont keep your words
or make any of my dreams come true.
Somehow it makes me sad.
and pathetic.

Im all afraid and lost that I'd died again
just like the old times.
you turned me down.
and left me hanging.
it hurts, and it's such a nightmare to me.

Because I know you so well,

*(Ai, Aug 25)

Back to where you belong.
Back to where you used to say 'I love you'
Back to where you used to give all you have.
Any chance? I asked
No guilty feelings, shameless.
Such a selfish
says you.

Im sorry but I want you back.
I want the old you back
I want all the sweet things back.

most of all,
I want us back.
and alive.

*(Ai, Sept 30)

You touch my scars and bruises
It's gentle and full of care
It hurt a bit as you press on them harder
But, Im not even sure why I let you to do so.

But in the end
You left me wounds, too.

Rude

are you home
will you open up the door
when i knock?

wish you're here
not just on my mind
nope, not just on my imagination
no.
not on the polaroid
that i stick on my wall
near to my bed
just so, i can sleep better at night

i wish you're home
that i'll be worry less
about you being away
that i have no longer to wear my sweater
just because
just because i have you
around at night

-f 831am oct 3rd

I even feel your fingers in my hair.
Playing around with me like a little kid.
Back then, those rainy days, you'd hug me from the back.
and when you're just tired, or left with nothing,
you'd just lay on me and sigh about life.

Dont worry, my petals,
I'll stay. As long as you want me to.
I hope you'd love me more. when I say that I'd stay.

*(Ai, Sept 30)

Im no one
and wish to be noticed by you.
wish you would share a lil bit love of yours
or care of me a lil bit.

Im in silent,
staring  at you.
--silent
but dying to be notice by you.
this special wish, I hope you know.

but, you wouldnt notice me, aite?

look. how far we've moved on.
into completely strangers.
even with saying hello, we made it **** so awkward.
i cant breathe when i see you.
and my heart aching and breaking, and im completely lost when seeing you.
and her.
i dont know.
i missed us too much i guess.
us, the strangers, now.
the completely lost one.
i wish we or us can stay even longer.
or love longer.
atleast.

besides, im just a mess
terrible mess
where no one would love me for who i am
(again)
where no one would dare to see the real me
im all tired keeping this inside
not pretending but
trying to be the best
i cant compete, i know i'll lose
and lost myself
that's the worst part

i wish to be lucky
i said that, and not knowing how blessed i am
i wish to be her
i said that so can feel love
but i never knew she has her dark sides too

well, what's the point anyway?
we're going to say goodbye in the end.
we're going to be left in the end
we're going to walk away in the end
letting things go is the point.

*(Ai, March 22)

it happens again
im left all alone again
im sad again
im.. hurted again
i thought you're going to be here
with me all the time
just like what you've promised

oh my mistake,
you lied
you left
..

i..

(18 March, 0222am)

sememangnya dunia sedang menghukum aku
atas segala kata kata, janji manis aku

untuk menjadi yg terbaik sentiasa
mudah aku alpa tentang sifat kita
yang mana mungkin kita bisa sempurna

Tuhan,
doa aku sentiasa satu
untuk diberkati sepanjang hidup ini

will you love me when you see the true colour of me?
-the ugly side of me?

or

will you ever say that im pretty?
-when i cry?
-when i'm awake at 2am in the morning?

will you stay after all the imperfections, scars, and the pathetic me?
will you?
will you say those words again..?

because i wish for nothing,
all i ever desire and crave for was,
wanting you to stay.
even during my ugly days.

(28th May 14, Wed)
*Ai

Im tired

I remember the day you said you dont ever want me to leave.
but you left.

I dont want to be taken for granted.
to be used and to be forgotten.
but you really went away.

cold nights like this.
very cold
i cant bear any.

Can i hug you till i smell like you?
Or just to
hold your hands
-to get warm

Did you caught me lying
--i just wanted to be close to you

2044 23sept

Nak
Ibumu lahir saat gawat ekonomi seluruh semesta
Saat gawat sebumi memikirkan nilai
Saat dunia ditimpa wabah tak ternampak
Tapi dunia masih cantik

Nak
Ibumu saksi dunia sedang gusar
Saksi pemimpinan goyah
Rebutkan yg tak pasti
Matanya buta
Telinga nya tuli
Tak terdengar rintihan kasta bawahan
Tak terpeduli dan lari meninggalkan hakiki
Ibumu tegak ditengah
Saat mereka berkelahi
Bercemuhan
Hai, ibu saksi saat mereka tak waras

Nak,
Ibumu saksi peninggalan ramai org
Mata kepala ibu melihat org rebah tak bermaya
Ibumu saksi bapak menangisi anak
Bayi lahir tak bersusu ibu
Adik pergi tak berpeluk abang
Dan
Ibumu saksi org tak bisa menjamah nasi
Bukan kerna tak upaya
Tapi kerna rakus ahli prejudis
Dan anjing ditaktor
.
.
Nak
Ibumu saksi saat propaganda dilaungkan
"Demokrasi ini adalah kita semua
Suara kamu kami dengar"
.
.
Anakku
Dengarlah
Ibumu saksi saat dunia tak adil tapi dihias indah
Ibumu saksi saat negeri kita kacau tapi dirai aman
Ibumu saksi nak...
Ibumu saksi perit itu tak cuma kehilangan
Tapi rindu yg bakal tak terubatkan
Salam yg takkan tersampaikan

Dan sebelum kau hingga ke saat itu
Harus lah kau tau
Setiap sisi kita tertanam secebis sedikit hati
Maka harus kau cari yg baik baik sentiasa
.
Kerna mmg sifat dunia begitu
Rebut yg tak pasti
Bertelinga dan tuli
Bergeliga tapi rakus
Dan punyai mata tapi buta
Dan harus kau ingat yg merbahaya sekali
Punyai iman tapi tak berTuhan

Died
left hanging.

half of me
died
and gone

i dont know
im not sure

im done

The rush we had at 3am, that we shared.
The messy me and I still hope for a chance to be noticed by you.

Opening my veins, so I can let you see the inner me.
And touch that side of me.
That my blood actually running fast towards you.
And you see I gasp for air and all.

Gosh, you're that special to me.
I swear no one else got me feeling that lucky and lush

The thing is i dont understand why you meant so much to me.
Why you left such a beautiful scar on me yet so painful.

If pain demand to be felt,
Then i agree.

But i also always wondered
Why cant we be together
Again.

we often talk about the future,
how we would love each other.
endlessly.

but,
will you still kiss my scars
will you still love my flaws
will you still take a glance at my bruises
or
worst, will you dare to look at all the wounds that i own?

will you still remember the reason you love me.
you said,
"None of that matters"

but i guess,
it matters now.
as i cant feel you anymore

ah bagaimanalah aku bisa menulis tentangmu?
kerna tak ada bait kata bisa melukis senyummu
tak ada puisi indah dapat menceritakan bagaimana matamu bersinar cemerlang saat kau jatuh cinta,
dan tak ada tulisan yang bisa membuat tafsiran fikiranmu yang sesak.
kamu sempurna, aku sahaja yang biasa buat kamu.
.
.
malam itu kita sibuk berbahas soalan,
tapi...
tak kau habiskan cerita tentang kisah cintamu yang berakhir kejam,
tentang amarahmu terhadap ditaktor dan bencimu pada korupsi,
dan tentang bagaimana angin rindu entah dari siapa yang tak lagi menyapa pipimu...
"kamu cantik"
cara kau memutus obrolan kita,
"kamu pintar!" bilangku sebagai jawapan pada pujian itu
.
.
seperti kecewa dengan semesta yang tak pernah ramah denganmu
"dunia ini sibuk, ya? porak perandanya tak habis"
kau soalkan dunia kepada ku
seperti sengaja...
.
aku yang mentah soal dunia
dan kamu seolah tahu selok beloknya
fikiranmu kacau
banyak soalan tak berjawab
ada cerita yang tak kau bilang pada dunia
ada luka yang tak tersembuh dengan cinta
ada rindu yang tak disentuh
dan ada nama yang tak ingin kau sebut
riak muka mu aku tahu, kamu sedang tak aman
tapi kau temukan nyaman denganku
aku
yang sifatnya sementara
.
ah.. bagaimanalah aku bisa menulis tentangmu?
kamu terlalu bijaksana buat ku
kau bukan lawanku...
dan aku cuma ingin menyentuhmu
mengubat jiwamu..
ah.. bukan,
aku ingin merinduimu!
meski kita tak lagi pernah bertatap mata
.
.
.
semoga kita ketemu ya?

you dont understand
it's how i fight.
and how i protect you
from being hurt.

but you never seem to understand
what im trying to do
all i want to do is, to save you.

because you know i never know how to spit the word out.
im sorry that you dont understand how i roll
im sorry that im different from the others
im sorry that i crave for you attention too much.
im sorry for being me.

im so sorry. it's just me