The what-if thoughts always got me.
Always haunt me.
Always and always made me scared.

But all the beautiful thougts of you I had,
Have totally saved me.

1054pm

apa khabar?
.
.
walau ku tau takkan berjawab tapi aman saja rasanya bila ku bertanya
.
kita menang, dan...
tulisan kita sudah dibaca ramai org
puisi kita di tempat pertama!
nukilan kita dibaca orang orang patah hati
.
.
.
cukup banggakah kau dengan ku?
tapi cukupkah aku untuk kamu?

i remember the day we set our eyes on each other
you have this sharp eye
that really see things clearly
so sure about what you're doing but still shy

you looked away when i was talking
but you're listening
i dont know if it was a leisure to you
or did you really enjoy my voice
i have no idea

but Lord,
i love you.
and i forget none of your touch

Maybe I just missed you too much today.
That I crave for your long.
That I wanted you to stay, always.

Im sorry that Im feeling this way.

i feel you
--the moment our fingers touch
the day you promised me to be forever and always
words we spoke were all love

i still feel you
--now
next to me
the word you spoke
your warm breathe next to my neck
your fingers lingering on my hand
you were that close to me that night
so close, that i can remember your scent

i still feel you
--forever
i promise to feel you forever
to wake up next to you
our morning will forever be lazy
-as we lie all day on the bed
and listen to our heart beat as one

*did i tell you already about how much i love you?

i hope you will be happier
doing things you love the most
the solitude you always wanted
-i finally got to give it away

i pray so hard
very hard that i close my eyes tightly
-so you will be happy
--without me

because im no longer
your happiness

for all the feelings that i felt
i know it's true
but somehow
things didn't go how we wanted it to be
and i'm sorry that i'm no fortune teller
nor am i a wish granting factory

i'm sorry that you had to share with me our weird dreams
and next, i left.

i'm sorry that i asked you what music do you like
and then, i sang.
and ruined it.

i'm sorry that i once called you at night, sayin' how much i miss you
and then, i run

for whatever happens
i'm sorry that it happens

but boy,
you're the most beautiful fate i ever had.
and i'm sorry that it went wrong

i miss you
and i really do
that it hurts me when we are apart

apa rasanya dalam diam menghilang
datang kembali
rupanya ada puisi buat kamu.

semoga ada ayat yang bisa jelaskan rasanya
kerna aku tak kenal.
tak tahu.

salam rindu

I hate it
When my anger turns into tears
Because I want my ego to win and I dont want to let myself know that Im weak, that my inner me is actually a weak soul. Because I know
Because I know
I know that I need to be strong for myself

So,
I turned the volume up
So, just so
Well atleast
I cant hear myself crying

i miss the way how things used to work.
i miss it the most where you'd fight for me.
i miss it, when both of us actually in a relationship

not anymore.
we fail to define love.
i dont feel any
i cant feel any

promises,
are now, only meant to be broke.

i found the joy looking at you

-your eyes when you're talking, they sparkle
wonderful

never had i thought i'd be that person
that lucky person to own you

you made me count my blessing twice when it comes to you.

At this point everything, everything, everything, seems to be hurt.
Everything gave such a strong feelings that you cant even explain.
You're unsure and all.

You're happy and sad at the same time.

But I,
Im just done at this moment.

(thursday march 3rd 834pm)

tanda tanyaku masih tak kau jawab
.
tak sempatku tanyakan apa kau tak lelah saat bergadang?

apa kau suka menangis dibahuku?

apa kau suka saat kita berbaring senyap dilantai melihat dinding kosong?
.
.
dan segala apa yg ada di bumi
aku ingin berbahas denganmu tentang warna langit itu refleksi air laut

aku ingin berbahas dgn mu tentang korupsi dunia

aku ingin kau bernyanyi sambil aku bersyukur
.
.
Tapi
semesta tak setuju

kita tak cukup waktu..
aku harus ingat
kau memang ada
tapi kita tak pernah bertemu lagi

hey. are you proud of me yet? i am no longer cranky over late replies. i am no longer question over short text. i am now 'independent'. i am now 'strong'. i no longer talk about my feelings that much. i no longer disappoint people. i also think i no longer asked for attention that much. i just let it happens. i just let people do whatever they want to me bcus i want people to stay in my life. is that how it works? i no longer tell people the tale of why i like daisy than roses. i no longer share to people how i love tea not because i love it but because i cannot tolerate coffee.
i no longer talk that much. bcus you taught me my thoughts werent real and it doesnt counts. are you really proud of me, yet?
i can live a day without wanting to talk to you. i am no longer clingy like how you want me to be. i no longer really wants to know your day. i no longer genuinely care about people bcus i dont want them to think of me being nosy.
look how much have i change.
the damage you have brought to me.
i dont know if i can heal.
i dont know if i will ever heal.
what about you?

apa khabar?
kembali ke kotamu, apakah kau bahagia?
apa kau temu, sesat yang dahulu?
habiskah meneroka? mencari yang kau bilang ingin di cari
--?

dan,
dunia takkan pernah habis..
indah - indahnya awan hari ini akan menenggelamkan
sunyi sepi mu semalam tadi

dan
aku harap kan kau temu bahagia
apa kau cari, akan kau berhenti mengejar
kerana dunia takkan pernah habis
kau bakal lelah.

seperti kita, mencari alasan
bila - bila kita tidak setuju
tapi lupakah kau
kita sudah tertulis dan..
semoga kita setuju kelak

dan dalam menuju ke saat itu,
akan aku sering doakan mu

256pm // 2/7/20

hello. it's me again.
life has been overwhelming. i think it's true that poetry are for sad people. i only started to write when i'm feeling sad.

i'm overwhelmed.
life has been overwhelming.
adulthood has been draining and so many things happened at once.
i'm scared and worried.
i get anxious.

will you be proud of me?
am i doing the right thing?
what should i do next?

hey.
im enjoy taking things slow now.
im no longer in a rush. i enjoy the tedious chores and boring routines i have now.
i like doing simple and easy things now
and still feel like i have achieve something big in my life.
i still feel like i'm winning in this game of life although all i did was just existing
i no longer have the need to justify myself
i made peace with whatever the universe has to offer me
i value those people who love me for being me
i still love to hear stories from people. but this time, i also get the chance to talk about me.
i have never been heard like this

hey
i just found out, it was not that bad
i found out the world is not that cruel just like how you told me
it's unpredictable but i think i can manage it well
i guess it was you who scared of me
so that's why you wanted to scare me with the world's harsh truth
i agree. it's harsh.
but i change my point of view.
i hope you're happy with what you're doing
i hope you find yourself
please dont get lost.
i'm might not be around for you anymore

bagaimanalah aku bisa melupakan mu?
kamu yg mengajar aku untuk menulis
kata-kata ku tak punyai riak muka untuk menunjuk rasa
kamu yg mengajar aku untuk menulis...

saat dunia sedang sibuk berkelahi
bait kata-katamu datang seolah memujukku
memelukku erat

"dunia bakal aman nanti"

kamu menjauh.
itu bukan salahku
aku tak lagi rindu
aneh.. tapi nyaman.
dingin, sunyi tapi aku suka.
ketidakpastianmu aku tak rasa lagi
aku sudah aman pastinya..
tapi, ada beberapa pertanyaanku tak kau jawab
.
.
sudah kau jumpa tempat nyamanmu?
apakah sama empuk bahu itu?
apa kau menangis lepas seperti dulu?
apa kau jumpa rumahmu?
ketawamu sudah girang?
bagaimana hatimu?
baikkah orang-orang disana?
indahkah permandangan tempat barumu?
apa kau tak lagi sedar?
.
.
tempat nyamanmu bukanlah rumah, tapi orang yg memberi kau rasa cinta.
empuk bahu itu bukan tentang siapa, tapi nyaman yg kau rasa.
menangis lepas itu bukan tentang malu, tapi jujurkah kau pada dirimu sendiri?
apa kau tak lagi sedar?
.
.
.
takkan kau temu kan apa yang kau cari selagi kau tak berbaik pada semesta
.
berbaik hatilah

i am no longer writing poetry in this poetry site of mine. it's now a cave of wandering thoughts of mine.
if you ask me, what can you worry so much being a 24 year old female?
well, since you ask...
my mind is a busy bee. it wanders around, like a fluffy cloud holding heavy thoughts.
and it continues to grow.

at the end, little did i know.
i was in the darkness.
engulfed.
and...