dear dreamcatcher,
i thought you were supposed
to take away the nightmares
not get them *out of my head
and *into my life

home is where the heart is
and my heart lies in the mountains,
with nights of hot cocoa and campfires;
with the soaring trees, bad cameras.
and in the center of it all, laughter and midnight games.
the dresses, the stars, the countless walks. . .
my heart belongs to those in the beds next to mine,
and in the eyes of him. loud songs and braided hair make me smile.
and yes, my heart is with you.

when i knew you
you lit cigarettes in your mouth
and flowers in my heart. blossoms
wrapped like vines of ivy in my
bones, and your arms wrapped
around me. tulips touched my arms,
and two lips touched my cheek.
an oak tree keeps me tall, and
you kept me grounded. with you,
every day was like springtime,
everyday was happiness. and now
you are gone, and everyday is
winter.

your arms crawled upon my body like vines,
entagling me in a love
that was only fatal.

you made me soft at the edges,
you taught me to forget everything that made me
me.

covering me up
and hiding me.
only taking me out when you needed someone.

no wonder i find it hard to speak.

i did not know what hell felt like until you

YOUR ARMS WERE PRETTY FLOWERS TO BEGIN WITH, BUT THEN THEY WRAPPED AROUND MY NECK AND CHOKED ME

snuggle in,
and find delight,
in midnight snacks
and cozy bedding.
let the happiness
fill you with warmth.
you are okay, for now.

crying is a sign of being strong
and i am weak
like the shoulders that support me

today i imagined depression as the dark hole to wonderland, and i imagined myself as alice. i, i am falling. to where: i don't know. why am i falling: well, i took a wrong step.
when i first fall down, i can still see the light. i can still feel happy, i can still remember how to be happy.
but as i fall deeper, i lose sight of the light above. i start to forget the things that made me happy, i lose track of the memories. i am only happy once in a while.
i fall too deep. so deep that i can no longer see the light above. ever. my eyes might as well be closed because at least then i can imagine happy things.
i feel as if i will never experience them again. this hole is never ending.
but there is a wonderland. it is below me. i know that much. but what is it? what does it look like? when do i reach it?  when do i land in happiness and forget the bad things? i've been falling forever.
my theory is that you are my wonderland. you are close, i know it. but you are still so far. you still feel impossible to reach, but i know that you are my destination. you are my happiness, the thing that will me make me forget all the bad things. you are everything i want and you are everything i need.

**** it.
poetry isn't for you,
it isn't for anyone.
why show the world
your wounds?
keep it all wrapped up
under a knit blanket, i suppose.
fight your demons alone;
a war in your own mind.
don't let anyone see
the scars, not on your wrist,
but in your thoughts.
stay silent, stay quiet.
maybe you'll get through it.
hide it inside, hidden
by fake smiles and fake friends.
move on with your music
and a whole new reality.
the world is a dangerous place;
people don't understand
and people don't know.
don't show your marks,
pull down your sleeves.

no,
poetry isn't for anyone.

the coldness creeps in...
i remember you, old friend.
the sadness is back to haunt me,
like a raven, forever perched
on my shoulder.

you are the warmth when
the sun overcasts the sky
and i will for rain

to think, i thought that i was finally happy; that maybe i was getting better at dealing with the world around me.
turns out, it was all a lie, a façade that instantly fell away the moment you returned.
my life flipped upside down, melted to mush, and faded away as i entered your arms.
the song i was supposed to know, wasn't there.
the halls, the walls, the streets i should have been familiar with, felt like strangers.
the plants and creatures i could have welcomed, seemed to me to be a disguise for the monster inside.
this home never felt like home to me.

how can everyone be so happy when i'm so sad?