today i imagined depression as the dark hole to wonderland, and i imagined myself as alice. i, i am falling. to where: i don't know. why am i falling: well, i took a wrong step.
when i first fall down, i can still see the light. i can still feel happy, i can still remember how to be happy.
but as i fall deeper, i lose sight of the light above. i start to forget the things that made me happy, i lose track of the memories. i am only happy once in a while.
i fall too deep. so deep that i can no longer see the light above. ever. my eyes might as well be closed because at least then i can imagine happy things.
i feel as if i will never experience them again. this hole is never ending.
but there is a wonderland. it is below me. i know that much. but what is it? what does it look like? when do i reach it? when do i land in happiness and forget the bad things? i've been falling forever.
my theory is that you are my wonderland. you are close, i know it. but you are still so far. you still feel impossible to reach, but i know that you are my destination. you are my happiness, the thing that will me make me forget all the bad things. you are everything i want and you are everything i need.
a very very *very* unedited piece written in the past ten minutes. feedback is especially welcome.
crying is a sign of being strong
and i am weak
like the shoulders that support me
your arms crawled upon my body like vines,
entagling me in a love
that was only fatal.
you made me soft at the edges,
you taught me to forget everything that made me
covering me up
and hiding me.
only taking me out when you needed someone.
no wonder i find it hard to speak.
i found that i really like comparing people to plants. i wonder if that has any meaning.
YOUR ARMS WERE PRETTY FLOWERS TO BEGIN WITH, BUT THEN THEY WRAPPED AROUND MY NECK AND CHOKED ME
i did not know what hell felt like until you
to think, i thought that i was finally happy; that maybe i was getting better at dealing with the world around me.
turns out, it was all a lie, a façade that instantly fell away the moment you returned.
my life flipped upside down, melted to mush, and faded away as i entered your arms.
the song i was supposed to know, wasn't there.
the halls, the walls, the streets i should have been familiar with, felt like strangers.
the plants and creatures i could have welcomed, seemed to me to be a disguise for the monster inside.
this home never felt like home to me.
things maybe look pretty on the outide, but horror may be waiting on the inside.
how can everyone be so happy when i'm so sad?