you are a ship,
that sails beyond my broad horizon
you are my ship,
that sails whien the waters are rising

there are storms being brewed inside of me
and i am waiting on the shore,
i watched you as the monsoon was unleashed
but couldn't help to shake off this feeling
i wanted to see more

you are a ship,
that sails beyond my broad horizon
you are my ship,
that i watched become swallowed by poseidon

back when we were
in love,
and i was seventeen -
my hair was short
and i liked the way
you embraced my silence
i told you not to be fooled -
inside this head
blares a million sirens

back when we were
in love,
and i was eighteen -
my hair was long
and i liked the way
your breaths were delayed
i told you not to be scared -
there were so many times
where i don't know why you stayed

back when we were
in love,
and i was nineteen -
my hair was short (again)
and i liked the way
you softened the blows
you told me not to take you for granted -
but here i am
alone and empty-handed

clearing my throat just to scream
doesn't seem like a great idea
but most of my ideas aren't that great
anyway:
i was just thinking about the time
i was just thinking about the time
i was just thinking

about suffocating on oxygen and living forever and eating spaghetti and talking to siri and learning how to ice skate and peeing in the backyard and running around barefoot and camping with strangers and listening to music and trying new things and driving on the highway and jumping from the driving board and playing hide and seek at night and talking to new people and licking the spoon and floating on the top of the world

and floating on top of the world

we watched the wind blow
and the flowers grow
and we were also

we watched the fire glow
made puppets out of their shadows
and we were also

we watched the time slow
and the hours go
and we were also

this world is a beautiful place
this world has a beautiful face
and it is yours

time flies by
and so does the wind against my window pane
rain drops concoct a symphony:
plink
plink
plink
my body is comfortably numb
though,
my thoughts are quite the opposite

time flies by and so do the feelings inside my head
they are lost
searching for some sort of salvation,
searching for you,
running,
walking,
crawling
for you.

time flies by and so do my memories of you
i revisit them
the good, the bad,
and the broken
if it's healthy-
it hurts
if it's haunting-
it hurts.

time flies by while i waste away in bed
and i wonder if you are,
too.

i'm sorry that i write words
into fickle lines
like my life depends on it
and that i sink ships
harbored in your heart
faster than the lose lips that whispered, "i love you"
i'm sorry that the constellations engraved in my palms
will perpetually lead back to you
and that your calloused fingertips will always feel like home
i'm sorry that feelings are fleeting
and that mine are cemented,
that all i've ever wanted
was benevolence
and that you are immortally running in the rivers of my consciousness.
but mostly,
i'm sorry that i will invariably confess through
spilled ink and teardrops
what i stand for
rather than tell you
what the voices  echo constantly in my hollow skull.

burnt skins smells like
ashes from the chimney
during winter and the
toaster oven sighs.
so do i. my bagel is crisp,
maybe even posionious,
but i eat it anyway. like i always
do. second degree burns never
kept me from the next day.
callouses and bruises thread up
the calves of your legs. you pretend
it's not there but i know. my boyfriend
likes to come home past ten. but i know
he is always late, always exaggerating
the circumstances we like to live within,
and somehow we can never pierce it,
like artificial skin.

this isn't a ******* poem
this is unnecessary swearing
this is holding my breath over bridges,
and broken pinky promises and hearts.
this isn't a poem
this is free falling into fog,
waking up with knotted hair
and wondering what you're thinking about in the morning
this isn't a poem
this is what it's like to not have a perfect ending

i've been finding myself
burried inbetween
more and more
moments of unspoken anger

i've been learning how to
swallow that **** daily,
just like my *******
birth control

i'm having a of moment of un-clarity
like everything i've ever known
came crashing down in uncertainty
like i'm loving the way i hate myself
like i'm hating the way i love no one else
it's because we are content
with the sadness
and we carry that black mass
without a protest
and when we collapse into the darkness,
just sing a song with sad lyrics
with a bitter sound
and wear that distressed appearance
with a ******* demeanor
because everything i've ever wanted
has fallen right through my fingers
and you're never gonna be
as damaged as i will ever be
but here you are with me,
in a moment of un-clarity

let's lay down for a few minutes and
take the clouds out of the sky

they never looked that good there in the first place
i don't think it matters anyway

all we need is blue
like your eyes
like the sky
i can't lie

give me the shapes
and i'll make
the best *******
masterpiece you've ever seen

just because you said "please"

oh and you can forget about trees
let's lay down for a few minutes
and rip them out of the ground

what's left by the time i'm done
is just you and me

i very strongly doubt
that you have felt an ache
in your bones
as gravely as i have
when you walked away
from us.

i wanna become
entangled in your love
i wanna be
dissolved slowly,
ravaged and devoured wholly

but he said he only likes blondes,
so now my brown hair is gone
he said "this will be forever"
but i guess forever was too long

i wanna become
twisted under your thumb
i wanna be
your one and only
when you're with me
you'll never be lonely

but i guess forever was too long

boys with lanky limbs
and ****** up feelings

boys who whisper dandilion wishes
and then rip out your capilliaries:
one after the other

boys who outline the roadmap
of your body with their fingertips
boys who demolish your soul
with their lips

boys who say i love you
and mean it

i traced the outline of the
bug bites on my knees,
while your insecurities
floated by in my memories.

it was about 100 degrees.
humid air hanging on our skin,
so freshly destroyed and
rotting out like
some kind of disease.

i traced the outline of the
stars in the sky,
tried to figure out which way
the sun would rise.
i never knew much about astronomy,
but enough to know you never
deserved an apology.

i've been buzzing around
like a little bee
up and down
all jittery

she says it doesn't take much
to fit in here
and then adds,
as long as you're willing to smile

at least for a while

i nod my head
and then i nod around
this is the sea of pretending
and it's pretty much
never ending

it doesn't take much to to fit in here

burns all over my body
from over-priced coffee
i'm running on E
and she needs her caffeine
don't we all?

gonna go home tonight
walk a million miles
in my own shoes
i'd do it
i'll do it for you

don't act like it doesn't matter
it doesn't matter to me at all
time is always wasted
isn't it just amazing?
all i need is a good night's sleep

don't we all

i'm going to be
the next best thing
since sliced bread.

i'm going to be
the best thing
that'd ever entered
your self centered
head.

i will think about
what you think
about.

i will be what you
think about.

when the air stops
being breathable,
i will be what you
crave,
senseless and
unachievable.

i yearn so dearly
to be intricate
and nomadic
but for now
i'm bound to this town that's gone to ****
and with these people so scared of change
while i am,
on the other hand:
*hungry for it

does it get any better than this?

probabaly  not.

you're in my closet
you're next to my old ballet shoes
you're not graceful
and neither was i
you slipped through my fingers
so clumisly
with such force
you never really knew
how powerful you really were
you get so moved
you begin you move other people
me towards you
you away from me
we sit in silence now
you don't say rainy day thoughts
you just
tell me the same things
like: yeah, you look good today
but i never look good today
because there's this weight in my chest
you're in my chest
you're in my closet
you're in my past
with my old ballet shoes

you make me jittery
restless and blistery
you wrap me up,
warm but bitterly

you are my cup of coffee

i am the crisp air beneath your feet
i am the silence in the room
before two lips meet
sometimes i become the constellations
in the sky
looking down upon
those who are meek
because you see, the stars -
they are so fleeting
they never live
or cease to die
there's a whole other world out there -
and so am i

i am happy
i think i'm in love.

i eat cheetos
he'll say i'm a slob.
i should just *******.

i am sleepy and
i'm inconsolable
i like nothing.



you're uncontrollable.

i'm just feeling a little
indifferent
at this profound amount of
ambivalence
but i swear love you so much it's completely
ridiculous
it's like time slows down and then i become
limitless

i have a
crooked mouth
with a
crooked smile

why don't
you come
and stay
with me
a while

because
i need
someone to
help figure
me out

because
i need
someone to
help sort
everything
out

awoken by a hazy and golden sunrise
i stumbled
from the dewy tangled grass,
head pounding -
almost as hard as the day you left me
i found myself in the field of daisies,
(the same kind of flowers that lay withered for weeks
on my bedside table)
the fragrance pierced my consciousness and before i knew it
we were sitting on that park bench under the moon light
with tiny wild daisies in your one hand -
your other on my thigh
we never would have guessed
that i'd be half drunk a year later
on your memories in a field of ******* daisies

i wanna go on long trips with you
stop at gas stations and eat chips with you
do the things that lovers do,
get lost and dissolve into you

but,
it's okay if we just pretend
we're only going nowhere
in the end

you could leave today
behind for tomorrow
this is the diaspora where
no one follows
and i promise it won't take much
to let it all go


sometimes leaving
just looks a lot better
inside my head

peach fuzz,
moss fuzz,
what is the
difference?
frosted flakes,
my back aches,
i feel like a broken
fence. tight muscles,
white knuckles,
i smell a cigarette.

when the ocean reaches
the sky, we're dreaming
of a different life. when
no one wants to die,
we're innocent and alive.
stop for a second,
breath it all in.
all we are is flesh and blood.

do not fall in love with me
i will only breathe you in so deep,
you will not be able to escape.
i will constantly rearrange your consonants
and syllables to make you
more symetric.
do not fall in love with me
i will only **** you in,
surpass every expectation
you've ever had of me,
spit you out,
and sew your
unapologetic apologies
into ****** poetry.
do not fall in love with me.

oh sweet babies,
so young and naive.
can you see the destruction?

water bottles and
screws, rusting with the
damaged and rotten

your childhood pictures in the mud,
sprawled out with memories
now they lay with the dead
and forgotten

oh sweet babies,
so tired and sweet.
climbing on tree bark
and playing in the
dark.

oh sweet babies
don't look anywhere else

is it bad i don't
remember your name
is it sad that i never felt the same
about you

oh you know it's true

please don't
act like you know me
you don't own me
you're just lonely

somewhere
out there
is where
i'll be
it's where
i'm free
to be me

somewhere
out there
is where you'll see
this is not a dream
is that what you need?

i'm not
going to tell you sorry
when nothing compares

and i don't care

we were at the beach

i had dreams
about my
teeth

they were

on the floor,
and on the sand
with a trail
of blood

and open
hands

i wanted to go
back and tell
you how much
it all meant to me

each tooth
and memory

fell from my mouth


it's going to be hard
now that you're not around

it was earth day
we placed our feet into the fresh soil
dipping our toes into foreign content
we were only so old,
only so young
the water felt warm for the time being
the time being short,
the feelings feeling long
long days spent as children acting
like adults
adults with problems
"we aren't similar, you and me"
"you're no different"
you were different
we push
you pull
we separate
we wash our bodies inside the once foreign water
with a feeling of longingness in the spaces between us
it was earth day that day
we said goodbye

the day the city we built came crumbling down is the day i asked myself over and over again:

were you not level headed,
were you tipsy turvy,
were you drowsy eyed,
when there were earthquakes erupting from your palms?
were you even ok,
when you shoved me in the back of your "junk drawer" in your mind
did you even try to know what it felt like when i erased you from my wasted time
did you flight or fight
or did you even try to understand
when your palms were trembling like earthquakes?

i love hating myself more than you love loving me
because love isn't easy and
neither are you
you are -
the sounds that stick to my  throat
songs that spill from my veins
and busy bruises that crawl up my body
and you are the things we leave behind accidentally,
the things we find coincidentally
turmoil that traces my jawline
and suffocates my esophagus
you and i need to be still,
be safe,
be subtle,
be still,
tie me up with your string of words,
end the struggle

i probably shouldnt be saying this but i really  can't resist:

if we were to suffocate
right here in this velvetly air,
i probably wouldn't even care
we would watch our things, our posessions, our valuables float into the atmosphere
as we continue to breathe in the sulfur,
ladies and gentleman,
prepare to say your last prayer

we were designed to go this way, i swear

is this really what it takes
to make us feel human?
is this really what it takes
to make us feel alive?
i don't know why i'd rather die
than to hang on every word
like it was your last

i really don't mean to sound like
such a bother but it's just that i can't
seem to figure out why i even bother.

and hey,
everybody has those days
and everybody has those nights
like the ones where i lay staring at the ceiling
til i feel like i might stop breathing
because i don't know
who to call at 3 in the morning
because i know your sleep is more important
because the only trace of
"i love you" can be found
underneath your finger nails,
i can still remember your breathing
your skinfolds, the tiny little details
but each dig feels sharper than the last
because i don't like to write in the last
few pages of my notebook because
i actually don't want my story to end

but here we are

we're dying in the street
we're struggling to breath
and i can't feel my heart beat
that's what i wanted, right?

when i first started driving
my mom told me i was
too inexperienced
to enjoy the scenery

now i'm in my 20s
and all i think about
is the scenery

and

how easy it could be
to crash into any tree

THE WAY YOU LOOKED AT ME COULD MAKE A NEW BORN CHILD SWOON

2. THE THE FRECKLES ON YOUR NOSE WERE LIKE TINY STRAWBERRY SEEDS

3. THE CURLS FELL PERFECTLY ACROSS YOUR OCEAN EYES LIKE THE CONTINENTAL DRIFT

4. WHEN YOU SPOKE, WHAT LEFT YOUR MOUTH TRANSCENDED FROM YOUR HEART

5. THE WORLD REVOLVED AROUND YOU

6. TOMORROW IS TUESDAY

7.  THAT THE SKELETONS IN MY CLOSET ALL LEAD BACK TO YOURS

8. FOR ONCE IN MY LIFE I AM HUMBLED TO HAVE KNOWN YOU (at least, i wish)

9. YOU WERE JUST ANOTHER LESSON I LEARNED THE HARD WAY

10. *******

i'm sorry
i'm sorry
i'm sorry
i'm sorry


*sorry...

first,
lemme just
check my facebook
to see if
anybody else has
"high functioning anxiety"
like me

i'm so sorry
your goldfish died
that's a nice picture
of your stupid wife

time to delete
another racist
let's face it -
you probably live
in your mom's basement

i just like the dog memes

someone tell me
whats so wrong with
wanting a memory
that we both remember

and someone tell me
what does it mean to
let go of something you've never had?

like,
someone just
*******
tell me
why am i feeling so sad?

im not asking for much
just a little reassurance
so that i feel like
i am enough

i just don't wanna fade away