Sometimes at night I feel like I'm drowning.
The darkness that seeps into my body
Is comforting but cold
And it wraps around my lungs
In a empty imatation of a blanket
That makes getting out of bed in the mornings that much harder.
The inky black of the night holds my lungs captive
In a smoky cage as it urges me forward
And makes existing in the land of the living painful.
It becomes normal, the writhing mass of midnight
But the minute I relax into its hold
It squeezed the breath from my lungs
And the cycle starts again.

My fingers itch
My mind hurts
My heart is heavy.
I write poems to
Understand
And so others can understand
Me.
My bed is messy
My floor is littered
With clothes I never pick up
My walls have art
Taped on them
I hate them when theyre bare.
I feel like I am bare
Raw
Stripped of everything that made me me
And left a shredded shell.
I can't breathe
I can't think
I can't live.

The warmth of a dog splayed on my legs,
The warmth of a large sweater hanging from my shoulders,
The weight of a blanket covering my legs,
The weight of a book open on my lap,
The scent of woods coming from my flickering candle,
The scent of cold wind leaking through my closed window,
The sound of worn pages turning on my fingertips,
The sound of my mother talking on the phone below my room,
The taste of stale coffee long ago drank on my tongue,
The taste of the salt from the thumb between my teeth,
The sight of the blizzard raging outside my walls,
The sight of bright snow reflecting the moonlight, a stark contrast to the warm yellow light of my lamp.
I sigh in contentment,
And soak the night in.

Ping!
New Message.
I'm beaming
The minute I see it's you.
Click Click Click
Message Sent
Just a simple
How are you
Ping!
New Message
How was your day?
Ping
New Message
I miss you!
Ping
New Message
I love you!
Click Click Click
Message Sent
I Love you Too!
Click Click Click
But not the way
You love me
Click Click Click
I want to kiss you.
And date you.
And hold you.
Backspace Backspace Backspace
Click Click Click
I'm glad we're friends. :)

For years I searched
And searched
For the Light
Only to realize
I am the Sun,
And I don't need a lantern
To bring me out of the dark,
I just need
To shine brighter.

Sometimes I still think about her.
And while I miss her
So ******* much,
And there are days where I see her in strangers passing by,
I dont regret ending it
Because we both deserved so much better.
I regret never hearing her laugh again
Never seeing her smile,
I regret that exes can't stay friends,
That /we/ can't stay friends
Because I broke her heart.

I regret that most of all.

Sometimes I look for who I was in who I am,
And not finding them makes me doubt I'm getting better.
But thats not how it works
I can't find them because I'm stronger
I'm happier
I'm kinder
I've grown into a better person.
And ******* it I'm recovering.

The point isn't to forget.
The point is to move on.
The point is to remember
And learn
And use the pain
That attacked you down
And use it as experience
To bring others up.
The point isn't to forget
About the long nights
And effort to breath
About the crooked red lines
And the long sleeves
About crying so much
And crying so hard
You feel the loosening of your seams.

The point is to grow
And move on
To find the beauty in the world and
The purity of living.

I watch the stars
And the streetlights
And the leaves
I watch the fire
The waves
and the trees.
I watch
And watch
Humanity
But never understanding.
I watch the laughter
And tears
And screams
I watch them speak
And call out greetings.
I think its beautiful
Raw emotion
The way we are all linked.
But the hate
And greed
And ignorance
Drowns out the good.
So I will watch nature
And the stars.
Beauty much easier
To understand.

Land of the Free
Yet ranks 20th in the world
Land of the Free
Unless you aren't
White, rich, and male
Unless you aren't
Christian or Atheist.
Slam the borders!
Americans insist
Keep them out!
Let no one in!
Land of the Free
We sing
And chant
Land of the Free
Proud are we
Land of the Free
But not.

Dont hide my words
You'll find my words
Are louder than you expected.

Dont cover my mouth
Ill bite the hand
Fight the hand that feeds me.

Dont talk over me
Wont you see
I wont be silenced

Ill fight back
Strike back
Make my voice stronger
When murmers are filled with idiocy
Ill scream the truth.

Dont cover your ears
Hide from your fears
Everything will find you
In the end.

I will not be silenced
Not afraid of your violence.
I
Stand
Tall

You make me feel...
Indescribable. A rock among the crashing waves.
Safe. Like my silly fears aren't tearing me apart.
Accepted. I love myself, but never thought someone else would too.
Loved. Maybe I'm not so alone.
Happy. A smile on your face is a smile on mine.
Bubbly. I've never known a solid cloud, but now ones beneath me.
Afraid. I can't lose you. I've never known that pain. It'd **** me.
Awkward. I'm not used to compliments.
You make me feel
Both like feeling is amazing
And something id rather not do.

They call it paranoia
I say it's seeing through the fuzz.
They call it insomnia
But I forget what it does.
They say our past defines us
But mine gets under my skin
Dirt Grime Dust.
Regret Pain Sin.
I just wanted to be clean
Feel clean
Sparkle and gleam.
But my tears aren't doing the trick.

How** do you judge the worth of a galaxy?
Do stars judge each other on how much they shine?
I can't quite explain the feelings I feel
Tell me, do you feel the same?
You take my breath away, just by breathing.
How you smile and laugh, so wonderfully.
Much lovelier than any poets words can express
You twirl about my life like ribbon, pretty, but hard to grasp.
Mean ing is everything
To infinity and back
Me and you are ment to be.
Dear you're everything to me.

I can't feel myself
Am I even really here?
I can feel myself breathing
And I know its a silly fear,
But sometimes I wonder
If i'm actually here
On earth.
Am I invisible?
Why can't people notice me?
If i'm visible
Why do people look right through me?
Is it stupid,
To fear my own existence
Or have I noticed
A flaw in my design?

I can't breath right
Is that part of your plan?
I don't feel right
Like my soul was patched together
With cloth that doesn't even fit.
Silly creator
Don't make life that doesnt want to live
I'm a detonator
Who's time is messed up.
5
4
7
10
9
8
3
2
0
...
Nothing.
No big boom
Just silent despair.
Silly creator
You forgot to give me air.

Soft white daisies
Bright yellow sun
How do I tell you
All of this is done?

Can you see me?
Among so many lively people
So many unique,
Wonderful people,
Am I visible in the crowd?

I try,
Everyone does,
I want to be noticed,
To be liked.
But that doesn't mean you have too
That I'll die without fans,
Though I might
Without him.

You can see him,
Even if he's wandering
Alone at a circus.
He doesn't want attention
But simply wishes to be liked.
He doesn't dress for others
He dresses for himself.
He dyes his hair a variety of colors
But only for himself.
He worries
He ponders
He frets
He wonders.
He's human just like I
Yet a galaxy impersonified.

Can you see me?
Why it's easy
I'm the shadow by his side.

A smile makes my day
I look forward to making you laugh
I'm soothed by the stars in your eyes
And the clouds in your embrace.

You say you don't deserve  kind words
And it baffles me
How does such a caring person,
Surely an angel,
Deserve any less than the moon?
The sun?

Let me give you a planet,
Will live on it
In peace.

How do you do it?
Calm the aching pain
Inside.
I'm sad.
I'm falling into a well and
I can't decide if I'm ready for
The splat at the bottom.

How do you do it?
Tell everyone goodbye
Because your plans in motion
And you won't live through the night.

Because I can't.
I'm ready to go,
And I feel the calm that comes with
Close death.
But how do I tell my friends to keep going
When I couldn't?
HYPOCRITE


I'm sorry.......

I'm sorry
I'm weak.
I'm sorry.
I'm incomplete.
I'm sorry.
I can't do it.
I'm sorry.
This life doesn't fit.
I'm sorry.
This is goodbye.
I'm sorry
But I'm committing suicide.
I'm sorry.
This is my note.
I'm sorry,
Promise me you won't.
Be strong,
For me.
You're going places,
But my life ends....
Here.

don't look at me
you'd be ashamed
the same way i am.

don't look at me
at the tears in my eyes
and the way i loose control.

don't look at me
with that knowing gaze
that stares into
my broken soul.

don't look at me
when im like this
scared and falling
a
p
  a
    r
     t.

don't look at me
hiding in this dark corner
i don't want you to see
my pain.

don't look at me
just turn away
focus on your own problems
and let me waste away.

Why do we feel safe under the covers?
Such thin layers above us.
When monsters love the dark most
Thats where we hide.

Do we think that they can't reach us there?
That their cold bodys can't touch the warmth?
Do we feel safe because the old rule
Of you can't see me
Because I can't see you?

Blankets wrapped around you
Are the strongest fort their is
And in my room
My blankets protect me
From the shadows gaze
And the boogyman's hands.

Meaningless
Everything just seems so...
Meaningless.

Wasting day after day just
Trying to relax
Trying to feel safe and cal,.
No thrill,
Few friends,
Just...existing.
Meaningless.

I want to do something reckless
I want to run around
In strange costumes
And my friends screaming
And giggling next to me
Because we were winning
Against the imaginary dragon.

Like we used to do.

I want the movie night and the laughter
Staying up for three days straight
To the point where we're sure we're
Going to fall over and never wake up.
I want the adventures
And the sleepovers
And the bonds we had
And the laughter
Because now everything is just
Meaningless.

I can't take it anymore
I can't take it anymore
So confused
Cut and bruise
I can't take it anymore

Why are you so confusing?
We're there for you but you just ignore us
Then write poetry about how WE left YOU
When it was YOU who REFUSED to let us in!
We tried, over and over and over and over
Crying for you to let us help you
But you just rolled your eyes and WALKED AWAY
Now I'm reading your poetry and
I'm seeing the lines that say that
We left you when you needed us most!
LIES

WE spent endless nights awake, worrying
And EVEN NOW you're still always on my mind
BUT THIS IS YOUR FAULT
Pretending around your friend, your real friends
And putting all your trust in fakes and internet friends who
DON'T EVEN KNOW YOU

WELL I'M DONE
Count me out
I refuse to be a dumb follower
Like I have been for YEARS
Following you around like your a queen
Listening to your little problems,
And spending MY time trying to fix them.

WELL I have NEWS for YOU
I have problems of my own,
That I keep inside because no one asks
And I learned to hide.
Serious problems,
But would you understand?
Its all about your 'stupid parents'
and stupid bands.

I'm over you,
And I'm staying away,
So learn your lesson
And learn to deal
Because you don't want me
Or anyone who ACTUALLY CARES.

And I'll be over here,
Worrying and missing you,
Watching you from a distance
Watching as you get worse and
Someday I'll find you broken
Maybe you'll find me
And You'll need me for
The first time.

And I'll be there.
Because I still care.

My heart pounds in my ears
My breathing wracks my body
I can't think
I can't stop the
Panic attacks that attack me

Stupidest reasons
Lead to me crying
Lead to me screaming
Lead to me dying and
Nightmarish dreaming
Waking up sweating
Yet freezing cold
My heart squeezing in fear.

Always afraid
Always wary
Always watching out for
The panic attacks that attack me.

Hidden somewhere
A dark corner somewhere
My head in my hands
And a scream in my throat
Silent. No one can hear
No one can know
Quiet despair.

I can't breath
Though I'm trying
I can't scream
Though I'm trying
I can't quite get my nails through my skin
Though I'm trying.
Even seven feet below in the dark
In this state I can't
Reach my goal of ending my life.

My lips can't move as fast as my head
And my head can't describe what I'm feeling
My feelings are leaving me reeling
So confused and hopeless
Close to help but can't reach it
My lips can't wrap around the words I need.
Can't wrap around a simple "Help Me"

So I lay in my room
Hidden somewhere dark
And I let the tears
Leave their marks
On my pillows
On my sheets
On my face.
And I sob silently as the
Words I don't wan't to hear
And lies lead me away.
Silent screams and zero breath reaching
My shaking body and my
Panic attacks just attack me again.

Shhhh! Don't make a peep!
Shhhh! Don't let them hear!

Hear the terror in your voice,
Hear your voice tremble.

Tremble like your fingers,
Tremble in the night.

Night lasts forever,
Night is when they come.

Come to take you away,
Come to gobble you up.

Up goes the pitch of your voice,
Up goes the danger when you call,

Call ' Who's there?!'
Call 'Help!'

Help isn't coming,
Help doesn't care.

You tell me you want to see the world,
But you don't.
You want to see the pretty pictures and
You want to meet the people
Who will put on an act and tell you,
'Lifes Great Here!'
As they leave out
The starving people,
And the recent murders,
Last nights suicide,
And the school shooting,
And how everyones living in fear.
You say you know the world,
But you don't know the dark
You stay far away.

Can you feel it?
Swirling
Flowing
Banging on the walls.
Thats Creativity,
Inspiration,
Poetry,
Trying to escape.
Can you feel it?
Crawling up your throat,
Alerting your brain,
Shoving against you lips?
Thats your laugh,
Your opinion,
Your plea for help.
But you feel it,
The need to blend in,
The need to lie,
To hold it all in.
So you put of your smile,
Your mask,
Your role,
Your make up.
And you blend in,
The perfect actor,
The usual victim.

Dear Mother,
Haven't you heard my screams
Haven't you seen my marks
Father is so mean
His words stirring in my heart.
Dear Mother,
Why does Father drink?
Are we really that bad?
His breath always stinks
Brother asks me whats wrong with Dad.
What am I supposed to tell him Mother?
That he is mad,
That he is sad,
That he is BAD?
No.
The bruises on our arms prove that.
My scattered scars prove that.
The way he acts proves that.
The urge to run proves that.
So I will play the part
Of happy Child
Oh so smart.
I will clean the house,
Because you are passed out on the couch,
And Father will get mad at us,
Father will make such a fuss,
And today again will end,
With sore bottems and sore ears,
And emotional scars that will last years.

Dear Mother,
Who am I to turn to?
You look at me with such pain
Pain that masks the complete distain,
The disgust you have for me.
Dear Mother,
You forgot once again to feed us,
So Brother had a sloppy sandwich,
And I didn't eat.
Mother I don't feel good
Mother I'm much to weak.
Mother I can count my ribs,
And I have fuzz like a peach,
Mother I want to eat!
Dear Mother,
ARE YOU LISTENING?

Sleepless nights
Too many to count
Ignoring the fear
That comes with the dark
And Tired Days
Ready to shout
Listening to the voices
My tired brain can't block out
And living a lie
Pretending
That the kid you know
Is really me.
So I go on
Not sleeping
Not speaking
Pretending everything's
Fine, Though I know that
Once again tonight
I'll watch the sunset
Get ready for bed
And stay up waiting for them
The demons I hear,
To whisper in my ear
To speak the truth
I don't want to hear
And once again
I'll pray for day
So the light can chase
The darker demons away.

But they only go as far as the darkest space of my mind.