Taking my time,
My dignity gone.
I hate that I do this,
resort back to normal.

When can I go back to being different?
Will I ever be allowed?

I push myself to the different,
and feel free and joyful.
I turn to look at my past,
I see the happiness I had before,
and I run back to being normal.

I borrow money to pay rent,
I owe them something

I receive help to fix my truck,
I owe them something

Even if it isn't physical.
My obligation is at least to give
a simple Thank You.

But

My decisions are my decisions,
My thoughts are my thoughts,
My actions are my actions.

I do not owe explanations

I simply owe, the *sufficient truth.

The one who I vent to,
The one who listens.
The one who probably thinks I'm crazy,
but loves me anyways.

The one who I trust for anything,
The one who I tell everything,
The one who knows all,
but never judges me.

The one who trusts me,
The one who has my back,
The one who I am here for,
and doesn't push me away.

The light from the full moon,
that keeps me alive in the **darkness

For I once believed it was,
Now I'm not quite sure.
I never know exactly what,
That has kept me here this long.

I don't know if I should stay,
Or to leave it be for good.
Because whenever I feel that I am wrong,
Something happens to prove me right.

So I decide to wait,
Is it worth it?
Give me a sign,
So I know.

Please,
I am not asking much,
Or maybe I am,
and am reading this wrong.

All I know is,
I try to understand.
I try to interpret,
but I usually fail.

She represents this,
He represents that,
They represent it.

All tied together in one binding,
All connected under the same symbol.

Nobody knows the stories within,
Representing each figure with a flower or a stone.

The symbols outstretch wildly,
and nobody sees the connection.

No, not the relationship of words,
Those are as clear as day.

But, the representations we speak of,
the ones that travel through the actions of time.
Those are as dark as night.

If not me, it's her.
If not her, it's you.
If not you, it's them.

The web is infinite,
the links are endless.

•Known are the associations of few•
•Unknown are the ties between the non-corresponding•

Speak, child, Speak.
For I try to help,
with what I do not know.

Tell, brother, Tell.
What I can do,
to stop the pain you feel.

Scream, sister, Scream.
At me for all the things,
I have done you wrong.

Say, dear, Say.
Things to my identity,
So I can hear what is deserved.

Speak, child, Speak.
For I cannot help,
with what I do not know.

Rays shimmer off, like the sun on the water,
reflecting its beauteous stature.
Amber captures the moments,
holds them forever.
Soft, smooth, and unforgettable.
Confidence glitters within,
Elegance dazzles the exterior.

A sense of peace,
is nice in times like this.

Clarity will not be reached for awhile,
but the little things are always there for support.

Can't y'all just shut up?
I turn up my music to ignore you,
you get louder.
I ******* hate this,
I always have.
Ever since I opened my eyes to reality.
I try to give signs, give signals,
that it bothers me oh so much.
Nobody picks them up, ever.
I lock myself away,
so nobody can get to me.
But sound still travels.
I hear everything.
Everyday it's something,
Whatever it may be, doesn't matter.
So thanks for sticking together,
even though I know you'd rather be apart.

I can't help it?
I don't really understand.
The beauty that shines before me,
is much greater than I've ever seen.
I have tunnel vision,
only getting one clear picture.
A photo of clarity.
It makes everything make sense,
I don't really know why.
My peers have noticed my distraction,
my emotions are as clear as a photo.
So why aren't they clear to me?

I've forgotten how to write
the words
they used to flow onto my paper
one by one, they'd complete my work
full emerson into the world of poetry
no distractions
no drawbacks
just the purity, the innocence
of poetry

The sparrow has turned into a hawk.
I will not apologize for learning how to fly,
but I will apologize for falling in the garden,
trampling over the orchids as I took flight.
How is the sparrow supposed to fly,
knowing she tore the orchids to shreds?

His* car, Her car
It was his, it was *hers

The ghost of the past travels beside me,
It haunts its way through the empty halls.

Just leave me alone! I beg,
as it creeps, closer and closer.
Never It hisses past my ear.

What have I done to deserve this?
Why are you treating me this way!

Everything happens for a reason It shrills by,
Spinning around me, causing my senses to explode.
I try to stop it, but it just continues faster.

I've had enough.
I'm sorry I scream, tears rolling down my face.

It vanishes quickly,
I collapse to the floor,
but the room continues to spin.

It's still not over I whisper to myself.
*It's still not over

All relative.
I do many things,
My head races a mile a minute,
Maybe I'm not productive by society's view,
But I feel as though I am myself.
I am looking after myself and others,
I do things I deem as important.
Society makes everything important,
Why must I rank my priorities?
If only I could handle everything,
Then I could finally stay productive.

Throns stretch down the spine,
Protecting from any threat.
Relying only on these thorns,
To have the gardener forget.

It's the same thing.
How did I not see this before?
Mmm, Interesting.

I say the puzzle pieces click,
I lie.

They don't all fit together, just yet.
They will eventually, I do believe.
They come together, one at a time.
I ponder, I realize, I reflect.

Yet, nothing becomes of these thoughts,
I keep them to myself.
Because they are not worth knowing,
to someone who wouldn't understand.

You must figure it out on your own.
I was told these things, I didn't believe.
A puzzle piece was placed, I saw, I knew.

One by one, I shall figure it out.
But for now as I wait,
I enjoy the game.

The weight,
The strength.

It pushes down, crushing my inside.
I struggle to breath,
every breath 100 pounds are added to my chest.

Pressure builds up,
Dizziness begins,
Anxiety sky rockets.

The room is spinning,
Why is the room spinning?

My legs are shaking, I'm destroying my lip
Why can't I sit still?

Whoa, my head feels funny.
Why did that start?

I'm uncomfortable, I'm shaking.
Does anyone notice? God, I hope not.

The pressure, more intense.
Nausea increases,
My insides twist and turn.

I clench my fists,
Am I angry?
What's going on?

I'm tired...
I feel my heavy eyelids start to pull down.
I close my eyes,

but the room,
it spins faster than before.
My thoughts, my actions, myself...

It repeats
**I am never at peace

Stop telling me the lies I know you spill,
Stop telling me the lies I once believed as truth.
Tell me what you mean, what you're objective is
because I don't understand.
What is the point in arguing a matter that won't change?
What is the point of constantly yelling about things that won't be fixed?
I'm not stopping what I do,
I'm not stopping my beliefs.
I am me, I can be me
meaning I have the power and capability to shut. you. down.
I don't because thats petty,
because thats not who I am.
I'm fun loving and free spirited [-to most]
Now I know, the statements above seem a bit contradicting
but maybe that's the point.
Like I said, I'm doing what I want and keeping what is okay for me to have.
Because in the end, *we'll see who's by my side

It's a feeling like no other.
To think, of one.
An invigorating rush travels up from the stomach.
Burning ball of adrenaline.
Only lasts a short second,
leaves me breathless.
It's painfully delightful.

*My red eyes glow, searching for it's desires.
Shadows haunt behind me, warning of the hatred.
The red never goes away.
Fiery hot ruby tears may drain the color,
but the aspiration never goes away.
The desire can paint back what was drained,
and let the greed live on.

I try, I can't
Everything is heavy all around.
I'm getting lost.
I fall, I stumble
I continue on, like nothing is wrong.
I'm losing.
I stop, I stare
I can't, Not anymore.
I lost.

I see the reflection of light, bounce off the silver.
Holding it in my grasp, clenching my fists tight.

I can't do it
I shouldn't do it

I hear the voice in my head scream louder.
I'm on the verge of tears, though my eyes are completely dry.

Please stay safe Sam. Please.
It will get better, I promise.

I'm now shaking, silver closer to the beige.
Their voice. Their voice is what is keeping me from my art.

You don't understand.
You don't deserve any of this.

The torture pulls at my soul, at my heart.
I throw the silver across the room.

Why am I like this?
I've actually lost my mind for moments at a time

Wrapping myself in a blanket,
Shivering until the starlight overcomes my mind.

*and puts it to rest.

Happiness is brief.
Held in the grasp,
until reminded once more,
of what was lost,
and what can never be the same.
I'm trying to stay positive,
I'm trying not to be scared.

*It's not working

When you think you have seen it all,
When you believe nothing worse could ever happen.
When you think, "How could my life get crazier?"

STOP
PaUsE
Think again...

As soon as you think you've hit rock bottom,
As soon as you think you've seen it all...

Someone comes down the mine shaft, with a jackhammer in hand,
Breaking through a barrier,
*you thought could never be penetrated.

So many locked up in the cage,
the cage without a key.
Once they go in, the cage can't be opened again.
Secrets pile up,
overwhelming the steel bars of the cell.
Pushing on the wall to escape.
No matter how much they rip the insides,
No matter how much they vandalize the walls,
They stay put.
If they try to escape,
they are pushed back down further than before.
Further in the damp dark prision of my mind.
If security fails, and secrets escape,
it tears the town, destroys the village,
Much more than it ever tore the cell walls of my heart.
The secrets I hold, deserve nothing more than solitary confinement.
To wilt away in the cell, until everybody forgets,
except the prision itself.  
Secrets are a reality.

*a reality I wish to forget.

A soft breeze whispers in the moonlight,
Gliding over the pond, causing endless ripples in the water.
Sounds of the crickets echo through the trees,
hushing the quiet chatter on the dock.
Scarlet fish swim in circles below,
following the dark seaweed path.
Lull acoustic guitar roars under the clouds.
Ever so slightly a hiss travels past the ear.
Unknown from sight,
But present by sound.
Ruby crystals spotted in the distance,
hidden no more.

It all starts small.
I don't want to do my homework.
I don't want to go to school.
I don't want to see my family.
I don't want to see my friends.
I don't want to go out.
I don't want to have fun.
I don't want to get dressed.
I don't want to eat.
I don't want to get out of bed.
I don't want to wake up.
I don't want to live.

I'm scared.
I'm scared one day I won't see the light I see now.
I'm scared something will tip me off and I'll go far off the edge.
I've escalated once, I don't want to go back.
I'm terrified.
Please if you're out there,
Don't let me off this earth.
I don't want to go

I cry, laying here tonight
Listening to the pain of others
Her cries mirror mine.
Her cries, exceed mine.

I can't take that,
I'm so weak
Its been 3 months,
Why am I still so weak?

He was so intense
He was so extreme
Yet I can find similarities
In me, and, in the unspoken

I can't keep sheltering myself
from the pain and hurt
Yet, can't I enjoy being sheltered
for a little bit longer?

I walk through the crowded mall, hearing the bustle of the after holiday rush. Everyone is looking for that one deal, or meeting up with their friends one last time before the busyness stirs up again. I, like always, am in my own little world. I see one thing, and my mind goes off on a tangent. Frozen Yogurt!-Oh that reminds me, I'm hungry. When did I eat last? Was it before or after...Oh yeah we met up with Grandma! She was wearing that pretty blue sweater...blue...I had to do something with bl- Then it cycles again. Honestly, I'm pretty used to it, I just kinda deal. I continue to walk, until I reach Hot Topic-my favorite store, of course. So, I go in, shop around. I'm minding my own business...then I hear it. The first note plays and I freeze-I haven't heard this since... anndd we get to the bad part of my mind. The crazy tangents can change my mood in an instant. My mind spins, and it leads to the same place it always does. I just stop and stare. I thought I was done with this-I thought-- Aye-that's where I was mistaken and went wrong. I thought-thinking-thinking is bad, at least in my context. One more thought came into my head...It's 2017.I repeat that over and over again-It's 2017...It's 2017-Why you ask? I'm putting up a shield. Things that happened in 2012, 2014, 2016, etc. They are all behind me. There is no use in holding  a grudge, no use in holding onto the anxieties that worried me then, because I can't physically handle holding onto these. Now, haha, yes-Easier said than done. Because yet again today, I passed a sign, I passed a person, I passed a decoration-and I thought-thought way too much. The thinking I'm doing is not random-I have my reasons, even if those reasons are crazy and insane. Now, some of you may be thinking, Isn't that unhealthy? To block something out of your mind? It will only resurface at a later date and be worse. It's better to face your problem head on, rather than ignoring it. Yes, I've thought about that, and well, it hasn't worked so far...Sooo, I'm thinking everyone has their ways to heal, and I have mine. Maybe one day, I'll be able to listen to that song again. Maybe one day, I'll be able to listen to the  entire album. Baby steps, I continue to move forward. Right now, I put up my Shield of 2017, and continue on my way.

Papers all around me,
A dog sprawled across them.
I have a computer on my lap,
A phone by my side.
I can contact people in a heart beat,
And could even hear their voice.
I have a closet full of clothes,
and a beautiful home full of furniture.
I have a fridge downstairs, with food galore,
And water that is nice and pure.
I have my friends, I have my family,
I have such wonderful opportunities that other people don't have.
I should feel lucky,
I should feel blessed,
Instead I feel alone, I feel helpless,
because I can't preform simple tasks,
and I can't help but feel
empty.

Sticks and stones may break my bones but words will never hurt me*
Sure, that's a nice little saying,
but honestly...the truth?
Words can hurt.
Words can sometimes hurt more than actions,
or words can be a drive for actions to occur.
Seriously, just be respectful.
Take caution in the words you spill.
You don't know where those words will go,
or how far they will push.
You don't know how bad of a day they've had,
or how close they are to breaking.
I am not saying to censor entirely,
just-choose your words wisely,
for they are rarely ever forgotten.

Daffodils stand tall in the midday sun,
Though crumble under the moonlit sky.
Each petal falls one by one,
forcing the gardener to pick up and rectify.