When my inner self and my outer self disagree
I tend to let my inner self free
I will not be repressed by society.

I am labeled straight forward
abrasive
Some say it with respect and admiration
Others, like I have a disorder

They can call me abrasive
I'm prepared for it to continue
until my inner self fully replaces
judgement with Love

I am determined to seek empathy
I will continue to let my inner self free
I will not be repressed by society.

I have a long way to go
but, I trust me.

In all my poem reading,
I haven't been able to relate to a love poem.

Until tonight,
I always thought the writers were exaggerating.

Yet, this feeling of connection is remarkable.
I suppose I would need a strange poem to describe it,
too.

I can write for you
Or I can write for me

I can recieve the instant gratific8tion
Or I can release my feels

The rawness and jaggedness and ugl8ness of something unrefined that runs too long and lacks or
Der

If I am to be a collector of confirmation and praise, only one category is permitted:
My own.
I want to 0ractice not eating the marshmallow.

you don't quite fit
slightly askew
yet, relatable.

I see You.
A person revealing herself to a soceity of weak wolves
You are curious; a truth-seeker
asking questions that make others squirm
You have a deep desire to connect through expression
a need to be seen
You wish for transparcy paired with acceptance
You want to tear yourself open and scream "Look!"
"This is Me! Please, see Me!"
"In all my beauty and in all my ugliness. This, is, Me. Unfiltered. Naked"
"Please, please accept me."
I know this because it is
Relatable.

Relatable. The only way you would know this
is if I told you.
For I have found a way to blend in with the wolves.
I hide behind a careful wall built of cloth and filth.
You can only see Me when and where I allow it.

My face is usually in plain view, for society has told me this is OK.
(Ironic that is my only bit of skin that can change expression, unwillingly)

My other skin is hidden by clothe that I willingly bear.
A winter coat and gloves for the environment unknown.
(possibly hostile. it's better not to risk exposure)
A T-shirt and jeans for the familar
(stragically covering vunerabilities)
A bathing suite only for the most trusted

And naked? Rarely do I allow this, even around myself.
Because when I am naked all I see is the bruises from past abuses.
When I opened myself up and was rejected
Rejected by society and myself.

All the bruises bring me to bear cloth
But I will sincrely root for those who walk around
Naked.

This is your paper
This is your ink
It's for you, because you demanded it
You aren't here.
But your power is
Because I've given it to you.
You demanded the power
And hid it so well.
Congrats, you won
I didn't even notice.

This is my time
This is me.
It's not for you.
I'm taking it back
And I can't while you're around
But I'm ready
To be ready
To leave.

I'm confused
But I shouldn't be
I know I shouldn't be confused
In this, I am not confused.
Because caring about another human being
Is the most BASIC
The most basic
Component of a friend
And, well.
That's not there
YOU'RE not there
I have been.
I wish you were, too
And I'm ready
To be ready
To accept that

I don't have the self control
Needed to stay
My sanity suffers
And I suffer
I'm sorry if this hurts you
I really am
Because I'll always love you
No matter what. I've told you this
And this is where I'm torn
Between staying close close
And loving myself
I can't do both

Because,
I love people for who they are
And I'm too fragile to surround myself
With anyone who doesn't
So I'm ready
To be ready
To say goodbye

I'm falling
and I trust to catch myself at the bottom
If you don't

Morning, a window, sunlight and a table
clutter all around of items and laughter
this family of five had gathered together
and invited me to breakfast

The warmth of included love and laughter
melted my taste buds after
I took my first bite of warm syrup, peanut butter, and waffles
I remember few meals better

This love is explainable
because i can't explain it
Believe me, i've tried.

If I were to draw me
If I were to paint me
If I were to create a physical representation of me me

I would draw a dancer
One who seems in control
Like she has it together
Like she has full command of her movements, of the floor, of her partner, of the music
She knows what she is doing and she is doing it well
Her partner trusts her
The floor trusts her
She does not trust her
She is making it up as she goes
But she knows she is making it up wrong
But they can't know that.

I would draw a child
full of insecurities
Full of rebellion
Full of doubt - in herself; in the world
A black hole for love
A vessel of fear
But they can't know that either

I would draw me as a kind warrior. A commander
as I step into an imaginative reality that is aided by games, by friends.
I am confident there.
My mistakes are large, but there is nothing real to lose - we can always try again.
My compassion is a rare gem, noticed by any who get close enough to look
(mainly jagged rocks are seen in these seas)
The friendships are Real. And I am too.

I would draw myself as a child.
At least, that is how it would look at first
I would be standing next to a man, my dad.
Upon looking closely, one would realize the man is the child.
And the child is the adult.

I would draw myself as a mom
Picked by her kids. Chosen. Looked up to.
Seen as cool, wise, infallible. A great mom. One full of love.
They would only be right about that last part
And they would only be right about that last part sometimes

The best servant wields empathy
and refuses it in return.

"Do not come" says the master
"I will obey" though it pains me thinks the servant.

The master continues on with a smile
The good servant shares it.

The reason i say no is because
you do not know what

harms can befall you
addictions can seize you
terrors can engulf you
and deception can trick you

when you do know what

harms can befall you
addictions can seize you
terrors can engulf you
and deception can trick you

I hope you can say no,
too

I enjoy something until i realize I can lose it;
A moment
A loved one
Life

The present is continually lost
yet somehow
progresses 
Regret and loss only live here when we chose.

Being around someone prone to deception is choosing to receive a type of mental illness. What the victim knew as reality shifts to what the deceiver wants them to believe. Once a piece of the deceit is uncovered and reality shines through, the deceiver repents and says he will change. This brings the victim back into his deceit. Now, he is a wiser deceiver, for his mistake was revealed. He will avoid that mistake in the future. His victim plunges deeper into insanity.

Today I made a device.
A device? That's nice.
It works very well you see
(Dare I say, perfectly?)
Its function: Silence the EGO, Me.

I made this device today,
And its PERFECT! I must say.
Once I switch it on
My EGO goes "****" and is gone.

Oh, you don't believe me?
HAH! I'll show you - don't you know
I only make things perfectly?

SWITCH

See?

Did it work? I can't tell
I was so full of myself until now.

Oh well.

I don't like myself
because
I like myself
and I forget to like others
And I don't like that

i want to wrap myself inside of you
i want to feel small in your big
i know it doesn't solve anything
but it helps
like nothing ever has

I'm safe here
My past is not It's full of you.
Tainted. Sad. Unfair.
I liked those memories.
I held them close
I did not see I was being deceived
By you. By me.

Examples of this pulse through these memories
And it sticks to my chest and my hands as I try to push them away.
No, OK? NO.
You will not take these memories away from me.
I will not rid myself of them
They are mine as much as yours.
And I don't know what I'm doing or saying
But I do know.

I'm safe here
And so is my future.
It's void of you
Except in memory.

And you may say it doesn't have to be this way
And you may say this is an overreaction
And you may be right
But why would I put my future memories in jeopardy?
Your endorphin dose, no matter how strong is not worth
The risk. The pain.
I'd rather error on the side of caution
Because what am I losing? The love of a friend?
I never had that anyways.

And you may say that our relationship is different
You may say "I'm trying to change! I need you!"
And I'll say "good luck."
And mean it. And walk away.

And you may say that you don't care
And I'm prepared to never know if that is true.

i wanna worship your ****, but i'm not going to take any of it

Hey, I. Umm.
What & Why? I thought.
Betrayed? Slightly.
Yo, it's fine. Small. But umm.
I'm here. Vulnerable.
Did you notice I'm vulnerable?
Should have been safe. Want to be
Vulnerable. It's NBD. But.
Scares. Me.
Don't need much, really.
(should I need anything?)
But communicate. Somehow
Your thanks. and.
Some sort of protection from the outside.
Otherwise. Being vulnerable around you
Will end.

My immaturity is showing

Frustrated
At another, for his choices
For two. At their choices
Frustration. Inconsiderate people.
They are perhaps unaware of their action's consequences?

It's not them I should be worrying about.
This is a ME problem.
The frustration is inside of me
Their actions helped create it, but who am I to tell others how to operate?

Don't stop. Don't give in.
Do what you're doing. Don't feel entitled.
Get back to work.

i find myself surprised when i cry
and it doesn't last forever

Do not fool youself into thinking that
at this moment
You have a clear understanding of Love
Nor that you need to.

The flavors of love are too complex to digest
Until tasted

Do not fool yourself into thinking that
At this moment
The flavors of Love experienced is all that there is.
There is so much more.

The best flavors taste delicious, are nutritious, are dependable

Enjoy the buffet
Don't get sick.

i hate this
this feeling
the intensity of discovery, confusion, love
the depth of this world

i know that there are times
that i love this
this feeling
the intensity of discovery, confusion, love
the depth of this world

i need somebody 
that fiercely hugs my in- and out-sides
one who helps me
stabilize this being of mine that becomes so intense
with physical, mental, and emotional energy
that she NEEDS reassurance she is not
crazy or alone.
and that she is always loved.

i know it's hard to tell
but i'm not crazy by choice
i would have stopped by now
if i had that control

I'm desperate for somebody who takes control
and gives me peace.

it was almost you.

I guess I'll keep wandering around
asking friends and sometimes strangers "can I help you?" with my lips
and "can you help me?" with my heart.

I don't know if I'll want this tomorrow,
But today, I want to love you forever

A few weeks out and I still feel
Nothing
I was told it was it was going to hit
But I'm not convinced it ever
will.

A few years ago I thought I felt
"I love you"
When it rolled through your mouth into mine
But, I'm not convinced it ever
tasted right.

A few months ago I was
Broken
I thought deeply, felt terribly, and wrote often
But I'm not convinced it ever
Had to do with you.

A few moments ago I had
Written nothing
For you
And even this poem feels.
forced.

Words from ink to pen,
If I died today, would these words be read?
I am sorry, did not mean to start with dread.
I'm in a mood; would I understand if I were you?

Rhythm, rhyme, I'm looking to find,
but the light goes out with the pattern.
I wonder if the greats understood their gibberish,
too.

I came to say one thing, and look!
I've said more (whoops, sorry for the ego).
I am hoping that my foolishness has drawn you in
(would it, if I were you?).

Please read:
     Anything looks small next to a galaxy
          big next to an atom;
     They don't teach this in school:
          an oak is just its size.

Place me in a a prison // I don't want to escape. // Hold me underwater // until my whole body aches. // Grant me the freedom to go, // sit with me when I stay. // Deny me nothing, and // I'll find patience in delay

unlimited places to put
the nothing i have to say
a friend, a teacher, a note
today, tomorrow, yesterday

place it on the moon
place them in a grave
the computer file 'Random'
the brain space 'save'

all the things i think
cannot be contained today
so why do i think the file "Random"
can hold all the nothingness to say?