I need you
Like road rash on my chest
From skidding across pavement.
I need you
The same way I need another tattoo,
Etched into me.
Acridity.

On Hands and knees
Three tears fall onto the mat below me
drip drip drop
Emotions Escape
from the cage I have built
around myself

Realizations revelations

Release the Deep sadness of the truth

Oh, How perfectly aligned I am
When I am Alone

I’m avoiding the root
Digging around the problem.
It’s deep
Pulling sprouts of new issues
As they crop up
Putting on a pretty face
In sadness

The thread I’m hanging on by
Is bare
Don’t act like you don’t know
When I can feel
That
You are
Fully aware

I was able to retrieve your deleted number
from the darkest corners of my mind
I thought about calling you to say
nothing at all
Instead
I chewed the inside of my cheeks until they were raw

Today is the day we tell the children.
It’s been a long time coming,
We’ve spent a long time going.
And yet, it’s shredding my heart
To look in their eyes,
The same blue as mine, yours
and watch the truth slice through.

The next time I leave the house
Unchaperoned

I will Try to behave closer to the way
You expect of me

Here’s the truth that makes you flinch;
I will Never Fully Conform

I feel your concern cast over me,
a tangled net of doubt

If only I would shlep around
My loyalty

Instead Of bringing the fun

Stir down your inner turmoil,
Cultivate peace
From solitude.
Embrace the loneliness.
Accept it as part of the agreement.
Find your interests elsewhere,
Just stay between the lines.

You’ll see me up there
Again this summer
Just don’t expect me to be broken
I am healthier now
But I’m still fun

I won’t be your little ice cream cone
Dripping with sticky sweetness
You can’t hold me in your hand
Melting vanilla in the sun

We can be neighbors, we can be friends
Sip cheap Mexican beer from cans
I’ll even juice the lime

There will be giggling, and lively banter
You’ll probably try to look down my shirt and I will not mind

That is where we’ll draw the line,
Healthy boundaries
of summertime

You’re chipper, he said.
I had the urge to hurt his face or his ***** or his pride.
But instead I chipperly replied YEP!

Only time passed
Spans the distance between us

Pull it in
and zip it up,
Balancing steadily

A practiced act

taking things too far,
it's what I've always done

somewhat desensitized
I suppose
you have become.

numb to my assaults
on your peaceful state
the calmness
you carry
so gently

As I crash around myself
with a raging
hurricane in my heart

Loneliness
The primary emotion
I’m feeling these days

Enveloped in beauty,
Love,
Gratitude
Revered

And yet…
Those
Unmet needs,
They
Fester.

Emptiness swells
Filling
The void between us

Disconnectedness
Persists

scraped knees and busted knuckles-
nine summers spent running with the boys.

precious gift-
stardust and curls.
my devotion to you was silently sworn,
my sister.

watching you grow-
the magical years.
barefoot ballerina,
wild daisy soul.

passing years
have narrowed the space between
my world and yours.

navigating the rivers
of motherhood
together.

still dancing
wherever we go.

Awareness
Of the fact that I’m standing only twelve steps away from myself
Feels like a kick to the stomach.
One day I’ll be ready
To step away from my sick thinking
But for now, I’m comfortable in
Avoidance

If I show myself more love
I won’t need it from you
Now I remember
The steps to take
To make it across the floor
Practicing beautiful extensions,
Positive Intentions.
Breathing again
I feel alive
Instead of alone
How simple it is
This balance.
Muscle memory
I know how to keep myself upright
It just takes practice.

You can’t tell from the outside
the range one has until empty
High performance running on fumes

Walnut trees release spent leaves
Shower me in summertime past.
Miles of unpaved roads-
meandering.

I love you too,
I don’t say.
Stumbling barefoot in the dusty grass
I stare down at my toes.
Solely dependent
The current situation I cling to
Chopping off my hands and feet and hair
I contort myself in order to fit.
Flexibility has always served me well
Lopping off the branches, limbs, twigs
of the mother tree
I stuff it all down

Walking alone
On the First cool morning
of the season,
It’s bright and clear
And I notice, for the first time
In a long time
That I can feel the Sun on my face.
Somehow I’d forgotten
My love
for these beautiful mountains so blue
Behind The hill that’s been blocking my view.
A dump site for resentment
and sadness.
Now that I’m
Observing the world again
instead of ruminating
This is my future,
My home.
My view.

Obligatory smiles for the family portraits
Baring our teeth

Behind closed doors
We are damaged goods
Our delicate parts are torn to shreds

Sacred promises shattered
Like the wine glass you hurled at the wall
Leaving a bloodstain that we painted over

We both have gaping holes in our hearts
Secrets in the pits of our stomachs
***** dungeon basements
cobwebs in our minds

Tarnished silver, chipped porcelain
Once precious
Love candles burned down to waxy stumps with exhausted wicks

Our fingertips are blackened from attempting to relight the flame

We could wash off the soot
And walk away
Or continue to live without light

Before the chicory unfurls to the sun,
meet me down the gravel road
beneath the Tulip Poplar.

I will Revel in your aura-
Share my radiance with you.
Our beautiful friendship gleaming.

Exchanging love in the purest form,
the way that we relate.
Laughter dancing in our eyes

If the world saw things differently
We could do this everyday.

Until then,
We’ll look forward to next summer
If only for Thursday.

I need a support system,
To help me hold myself together.
The fibers of my being are breaking apart
And the children don’t know the truth yet
Impending doom upon our doorstep
Looming.

Contents crumble
stuffed to the seams
drape myself in pretty charms
behind the facade
I'm still me

You would be the first to help me change a tire if I were stranded.
Would do the same for my friends that don’t fit your narrow minded standards?
Would you drive past dangerously fast roaring like a beast of destruction
Tossing out a choking cloud of diesel smoke and spent beer cans
Hatred dripping from your lips like spittle
I don’t appreciate your mouth breathing on me in the grocery store
just because you like my boots.  
We walk separate paths in the same world.
I’m here for the solitude in nature.
You prefer a murderous assault on all things living
resisting the division this creates,
I remain your neighbor
But I hang windchimes in my trees and warn the fairies of your presence

beautiful, it is
this life of mine
blessed in every way
struggle to find
the reasons behind
my restless state of mind
prone to self destruction
rhythmic disruption
break my own heart just to feel intensely alive

I’m feeling inspired to write again
I tell him.
He looks at me with a pained expression,
And asks if we’re ok
Yes, I lie.
Straight to his face. Eye to eye.
Fine.
He knows the truth.
I am untangling knots, picking them apart with my mechanical pencil
Click click click
pick pick pick
It makes him uncomfortable-
My introspective searching
Quiet Contemplation.
He is Threatened
by my creative Expression
And the eager teachers that I attract
Disrupting our delicate balance
With their beards and intellect

Most days I can keep to the middle of the road

but some days I find myself lying in a ditch on my back

With my head spinning round and round
in a whirlpool of the past
Ugly

Don’t worry about me
Or what I will do
I told you

I will not stumble in front of your mother

Things are steady now

I will meet you there

The sedum has begun to blush.
Something in change of seasons  
That intensifies my craving
for strong male energy.
A Gravitational pull
Towards Infamous downfalls.
Until the day that all the Jessica stories have been told
I will continue living this way
Dancing in the rain
Stomping over the invisible lines
Drawn to keep me contained

I sat with myself
A long while

Acorns raining down
around

With eyes closed
I can see

Three flecks of light
Stars in the darkness

Look at me
LOOK at me
Look AT me
Look at ME

My adult self knows
Just how threatening
The depths of these feelings can be

Dangerous, really.

Emotional entanglement,
Unhealthy attachment.
Addiction to love.

Rationalizations rule
Most times.

But My inner teen is lovesick and lonely

I have a tattoo
On my arm
That reads “Love unity honesty”
In my own handwriting
Blocky and straight.
But
I was lying again
when I wrote it
Because
I curl the tails of my “y’s”

I don’t know how to help you
All I know is how to keep things clean
With the smell of marigolds on my hands
From ripping up last summer’s show
I yearn for the cool dampness of earth
on my bare feet
I fantasize of dancing alone
Yet with each day dawning
I step into these well worn shoes
And put one foot in front of the other

I'm an old cassette,
With my shell intact
but my ribbons are tangled.
Prolapsed.
lying in a messy heap-
Slick and shiny-
Rescue me.
Stick a pencil in my cog-
turn to reveal
the faded songs of my youth
OR smash me in the street.
I'm only plastic, so I can't feel

Who in their right mind would ever want to walk away
from this dreamhouse in the forest?

Is my mind right?

The mothers and sisters all say to me
girl, settle on down

How important is it to feel profoundly fulfilled?

Fantasizing relentlessly
depletes my energy

It’s just more exciting than rocking chairs

So I continue to do it to myself

Update on My face
These days
Mostly clear.
A reminder
Compounded in my chest cavity
This:
One simply cannot exude beauty
When they are ugly on the inside

I have half of an art degree

Plus eighteen years of experience in making a house into a home

I can dance interpretively
to the music in my head

And organize chaos into neat little rows

problems of others
are not mine to own.
they are their very own

High on validation,
Slick,
Sick.
Adrenaline
Addiction
Guilt stricken,
Low of Depression
Grips.

I brushed against you twice
Played it off
As of it were by accident
We both know
It was purely
Intentional

I never sleep as well as I do here
On this lofty featherbed,
Comforted by her soft snoring
I come here to step away,
Reflect.
Sitting in the morning sun
With the breeze on my skin
Hungover
But whole.
I have a lot of questions
About myself.
She helps me to see
My reflection.

Onward,
Upward,
Forward,
Ice glazed hills
bloodied knees
Complication.

fumble in darkness
finally a foothold.
realization
motivation
clarification
purification.

I should have given it to someone else.
shared the warmth,
passed it on

But I couldn’t let anyone else inside
Acting Impulsively...
Familiar.
Tendencies.

I hacked off one arm at a time
surgical scissors gutting the seams
Knit from the finest fibers

Golden angora
Gleaming boastfully
Slumped in the corner, the body of that beauty.

I stuffed it down, down, down
Then threw it out.
Ridding myself of anything, everything
reminiscent of the time of brown eyes

This incessant thirst for torture
bubbling up Like puke in the throat

I want your feedback all over me
Drape my mutilated soul across your chest

Staring out with aching eyes at the vast nothingness before us

I scream at myself on the inside
The high is never worth the low

The thrill of trouble is electrifying

If my inner wisdom goes unheeded
The Situation will unfold
into a disgusting place of being
Like a gas station bathroom

Bleakness will creep in, Settling into my center

Followed by ugliness,
Addiction Ravaged pallor

Stealing the rightful place of beauty

Alert on your post,
Scanning the crowd
For disorder.
You spot Me.
Devious, you say.
My eyes glimmer
in agreement.
Something about
Connections,
We both feel it.
Curious, you say.
And I bite my lip
My inner wisdom
Screams at me to leave
Alarming Awareness,
Reminders of playing
With fire.
My scars.
Craving this mutual
exchange of energies
That we get to share
On occasion.
And So,
Smelling like the tropics,
You press your muscle mass
Against my softness.
I’m Wrapped up in you
So Beautifully.
The cold frame of the car
A stark contrast
To the heat rising
Between us.
Together for a moment.
Fleeting.
We say Goodbye again,
Untangle.
Until next month or so.
Willing myself to leave,
I Sink into the seat
With my head still spinning
Pulling the belt across my chest
Tightly strapping myself in.
Practicing self restraint
To keep from floating away.