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Rainswood Sep 2023
I need you
Like road rash on my chest
From skidding across pavement.
I need you
The same way I need another tattoo,
Etched into me.
Acridity.
Rainswood Sep 2021
On Hands and knees
Three tears fall onto the mat below me
drip drip drop
Emotions Escape
from the cage I have built
around myself

Realizations revelations

Release the Deep sadness of the truth

Oh, How perfectly aligned I am
When I am Alone
On yoga and keeping my issues in my tissues
Rainswood Mar 2023
I’m avoiding the root
Digging around the problem.
It’s deep
Pulling sprouts of new issues
As they crop up
Putting on a pretty face
In sadness
Rainswood Oct 2021
The thread I’m hanging on by
Is bare
Don’t act like you don’t know
When I can feel
That
You are
Fully aware
Threadbare nineties hair
Rainswood Aug 2021
I was able to retrieve your deleted number
from the darkest corners of my mind
I thought about calling you to say
nothing at all
Instead
I chewed the inside of my cheeks until they were raw
Rainswood Sep 2021
The next time I leave the house
Unchaperoned

I will Try to behave closer to the way
You expect of me

Here’s the truth that makes you flinch;
I will Never Fully Conform

I feel your concern cast over me,
a tangled net of doubt

If only I would shlep around
My loyalty

Instead Of bringing the fun
Rainswood Feb 2023
Stir down your inner turmoil,
Cultivate peace
From solitude.
Embrace the loneliness.
Accept it as part of the agreement.
Find your interests elsewhere,
Just stay between the lines.
Advice to myself
Rainswood Jun 2022
You’ll see me up there
Again this summer
Just don’t expect me to be broken
I am healthier now
But I’m still fun

I won’t be your little ice cream cone
Dripping with sticky sweetness
You can’t hold me in your hand
Melting vanilla in the sun

We can be neighbors, we can be friends
Sip cheap Mexican beer from cans
I’ll even juice the lime

There will be giggling, and lively banter
You’ll probably try to look down my shirt and I will not mind

That is where we’ll draw the line,
Healthy boundaries
of summertime
Rainswood Nov 2021
Only time passed
Spans the distance between us

Pull it in
and zip it up,
Balancing steadily

A practiced act
Rainswood Dec 2017
taking things too far,
it's what I've always done

somewhat desensitized
I suppose
you have become.

numb to my assaults
on your peaceful state
the calmness
you carry
so gently

As I crash around myself
with a raging
hurricane in my heart
I am working on not being so self destructive. It just comes so naturally
Rainswood Aug 2023
Loneliness
The primary emotion
I’m feeling these days

Enveloped in beauty,
Love,
Gratitude
Revered

And yet…
Those
Unmet needs,
They
Fester.

Emptiness swells
Filling
The void between us

Disconnectedness
Persists
Rainswood Jul 2021
scraped knees and busted knuckles-
nine summers spent running with the boys.

precious gift-
stardust and curls.
my devotion to you was silently sworn,
my sister.

watching you grow-
the magical years.
barefoot ballerina,
wild daisy soul.

passing years
have narrowed the space between
my world and yours.

navigating the rivers
of motherhood
together.

still dancing
wherever we go.
Wishing my little sister a very special birthday. XOXO, Lizzy Love
Rainswood Feb 2023
Awareness
Of the fact that I’m standing only twelve steps away from myself
Feels like a kick to the stomach.
One day I’ll be ready
To step away from my sick thinking
But for now, I’m comfortable in
Avoidance
Rainswood Jul 2022
If I show myself more love
I won’t need it from you
Now I remember
The steps to take
To make it across the floor
Practicing beautiful extensions,
Positive Intentions.
Breathing again
I feel alive
Instead of alone
How simple it is
This balance.
Muscle memory
I know how to keep myself upright
It just takes practice.
Getting back to ballet drastically improves my mental state.
Rainswood Jun 2022
You can’t tell from the outside
the range one has until empty
High performance running on fumes
Rainswood Sep 2021
Walnut trees release spent leaves
Shower me in summertime past.
Miles of unpaved roads-
meandering.
Aimlessly wandering. Wondering
Rainswood Dec 2021
I love you too,
I don’t say.
Stumbling barefoot in the dusty grass
I stare down at my toes.
Solely dependent
The current situation I cling to
Chopping off my hands and feet and hair
I contort myself in order to fit.
Flexibility has always served me well
Lopping off the branches, limbs, twigs
of the mother tree
I stuff it all down
Rainswood Aug 2021
the moon is sliced in half tonight
luminous in blackness

captivate my energies,
reconnect my circuitry

One more season to go

we just might make it
through this alive

no longer haunted
by the ugly ghosts of yesterday

the pulling tides
tugging,
gnawing at my mind

chickens bock comfortingly,
vultures no longer circle

Pour out my pain,
etch ink into my skin

Edit, delete.

loneliness retreats to the
dark corners of my mind

learning healthier patterns
wearing a happier face
Rainswood Sep 2023
Walking alone
On the First cool morning
of the season,
It’s bright and clear
And I notice, for the first time
In a long time
That I can feel the Sun on my face.
Somehow I’d forgotten
My love
for these beautiful mountains so blue
Behind The hill that’s been blocking my view.
A dump site for resentment
and sadness.
Now that I’m
Observing the world again
instead of ruminating
This is my future,
My home.
My view.
Rainswood Sep 2021
Obligatory smiles for the family portraits
Baring our teeth

Behind closed doors
We are damaged goods
Our delicate parts are torn to shreds

Sacred promises shattered
Like the wine glass you hurled at the wall
Leaving a bloodstain that we painted over

We both have gaping holes in our hearts
Secrets in the pits of our stomachs
***** dungeon basements
cobwebs in our minds

Tarnished silver, chipped porcelain
Once precious
Love candles burned down to waxy stumps with exhausted wicks

Our fingertips are blackened from attempting to relight the flame

We could wash off the soot
And walk away
Or continue to live without light
Rainswood Aug 2021
Before the chicory unfurls to the sun,
meet me down the gravel road
beneath the Tulip Poplar.

I will Revel in your aura-
Share my radiance with you.
Our beautiful friendship gleaming.

Exchanging love in the purest form,
the way that we relate.
Laughter dancing in our eyes

If the world saw things differently
We could do this everyday.

Until then,
We’ll look forward to next summer
If only for Thursday.
Maintaining a marriage and refusing to entirely abandon an important friendship.
I need a support system,
To help me hold myself together.
The fibers of my being are breaking apart
And the children don’t know the truth yet
Impending doom upon our doorstep
Looming.
Rainswood Jul 2021
Contents crumble
stuffed to the seams
drape myself in pretty charms
behind the facade
I'm still me
I may act like I have changed
Rainswood Dec 2021
You would be the first to help me change a tire if I were stranded.
Would do the same for my friends that don’t fit your narrow minded standards?
Would you drive past dangerously fast roaring like a beast of destruction
Tossing out a choking cloud of diesel smoke and spent beer cans
Hatred dripping from your lips like spittle
I don’t appreciate your mouth breathing on me in the grocery store
just because you like my boots.  
We walk separate paths in the same world.
I’m here for the solitude in nature.
You prefer a murderous assault on all things living
resisting the division this creates,
I remain your neighbor
But I hang windchimes in my trees and warn the fairies of your presence
On living in rural Virginia
Rainswood Oct 2017
beautiful, it is
this life of mine
blessed in every way
struggle to find
the reasons behind
my restless state of mind
prone to self destruction
rhythmic disruption
break my own heart just to feel intensely alive
Seeing myself for who I am
Rainswood Jul 2021
I’m feeling inspired to write again
I tell him.
He looks at me with a pained expression,
And asks if we’re ok
Yes, I lie.
Straight to his face. Eye to eye.
Fine.
He knows the truth.
I am untangling knots, picking them apart with my mechanical pencil
Click click click
pick pick pick
It makes him uncomfortable-
My introspective searching
Quiet Contemplation.
He is Threatened
by my creative Expression
And the eager teachers that I attract
Disrupting our delicate balance
With their beards and intellect
I still burn my drafts after I post. Part of my creative process for many reasons
Rainswood Aug 2021
Most days I can keep to the middle of the road

but some days I find myself lying in a ditch on my back

With my head spinning round and round
in a whirlpool of the past
Ugly

Don’t worry about me
Or what I will do
I told you

I will not stumble in front of your mother

Things are steady now

I will meet you there
holding steady
Rainswood Sep 2021
The sedum has begun to blush.
Something in change of seasons  
That intensifies my craving
for strong male energy.
A Gravitational pull
Towards Infamous downfalls.
Until the day that all the Jessica stories have been told
I will continue living this way
Dancing in the rain
Stomping over the invisible lines
Drawn to keep me contained
On knowing and loving myself
Rainswood Oct 2021
I sat with myself
A long while

Acorns raining down
around

With eyes closed
I can see

Three flecks of light
Stars in the darkness
Rainswood Mar 2023
Look at me
LOOK at me
Look AT me
Look at ME
Rainswood Feb 2023
My adult self knows
Just how threatening
The depths of these feelings can be

Dangerous, really.

Emotional entanglement,
Unhealthy attachment.
Addiction to love.

Rationalizations rule
Most times.

But My inner teen is lovesick and lonely
Rainswood Jul 2022
I have a tattoo
On my arm
That reads “Love unity honesty”
In my own handwriting
Blocky and straight.
But
I was lying again
when I wrote it
Because
I curl the tails of my “y’s”
True story 😆
Rainswood Oct 2021
I don’t know how to help you
All I know is how to keep things clean
With the smell of marigolds on my hands
From ripping up last summer’s show
I yearn for the cool dampness of earth
on my bare feet
I fantasize of dancing alone
Yet with each day dawning
I step into these well worn shoes
And put one foot in front of the other
Rainswood Aug 2021
Between my tie dye and tattoos,
butterflies and dragonflies
land on me more than you.

We sit in quiet contemplation
with space in between.

You in your world and I in mine
We listen to her River song
Together.
Rainswood May 2017
I'm an old cassette,
my shell intact
but my ribbons are tangled.
Prolapsed.
lying in a messy heap-
black and shiny-
Rescue me.
Stick a pencil in my cog
turn to reveal
the faded songs of my youth
OR smash me in the street.
I'm only plastic, so I can't feel
Rainswood Jul 2021
Who in their right mind would ever want to walk away
from this dreamhouse in the forest?

Is my mind right?

The mothers and sisters all say to me
girl, settle on down

How important is it to feel profoundly fulfilled?

Fantasizing relentlessly
depletes my energy

It’s just more exciting than rocking chairs

So I continue to do it to myself
Rainswood Oct 2021
Update on My face
These days
Mostly clear.
A reminder
Compounded in my chest cavity
This:
One simply cannot exude beauty
When they are ugly on the inside
Beautiful these days
Rainswood Aug 2021
Sitting on her clutch of eggs
agitatedly growling.
She plucks out her own feathers-
a warm belly for incubation.
Depriving herself of nourishment for days.
Her eyes glaze over, crazed.
Maternal sacrifices run deep
through her hollow bones.
Watching a broody hen reminds me of how depleting it can feel when you are a new mom.
Rainswood Aug 2021
I have half of an art degree

Plus eighteen years of experience in making a house into a home

I can dance interpretively
to the music in my head

And organize chaos into neat little rows
Starting to think about what I will do when I grow up
Rainswood Sep 2021
problems of others
are not mine to own.
they are their very own
My new daily mantra
Rainswood Jan 2023
High on validation,
Slick,
Sick.
Adrenaline
Addiction
Guilt stricken,
Low of Depression
Grips.
Rainswood Sep 2021
I brushed against you twice
Played it off
As of it were by accident
We both know
It was purely
Intentional
Rainswood Feb 2023
I never sleep as well as I do here
On this lofty featherbed,
Comforted by her soft snoring
I come here to step away,
Reflect.
Sitting in the morning sun
With the breeze on my skin
Hungover
But whole.
I have a lot of questions
About myself.
She helps me to see
My reflection.
Annual soul check in with my best friend
Rainswood Apr 2017
Onward,
Upward,
Forward,
Ice glazed hills
bloodied knees
Complication.

fumble in darkness
finally a foothold.
realization
motivation
clarification
purification.
Rainswood Sep 2020
I should have given it to someone else.
shared the warmth,
passed it on

But I couldn’t let anyone else inside
Acting Impulsively...
Familiar.
Tendencies.

I hacked off one arm at a time
surgical scissors gutting the seams
Knit from the finest fibers

Golden angora
Gleaming boastfully
Slumped in the corner, the body of that beauty.

I stuffed it down, down, down
Then threw it out.
Ridding myself of anything, everything
reminiscent of the time of brown eyes
It feels good to destroy the physical things that tie me to my past
Rainswood Jan 2022
This incessant thirst for torture
bubbling up Like puke in the throat

I want your feedback all over me
Drape my mutilated soul across your chest

Staring out with aching eyes at the vast nothingness before us

I scream at myself on the inside
The high is never worth the low

The thrill of trouble is electrifying

If my inner wisdom goes unheeded
The Situation will unfold
into a disgusting place of being
Like a gas station bathroom

Bleakness will creep in, Settling into my center

Followed by ugliness,
Addiction Ravaged pallor

Stealing the rightful place of beauty
Resisting histrionic tendencies
Rainswood Feb 2023
Alert on your post,
Scanning the crowd
For disorder.
You spot Me.
Devious, you say.
My eyes glimmer
in agreement.
Something about
Connections,
We both feel it.
Curious, you say.
And I bite my lip
My inner wisdom
Screams at me to leave
Alarming Awareness,
Reminders of playing
With fire.
My scars.
Craving this mutual
exchange of energies
That we get to share
On occasion.
And So,
Smelling like the tropics,
You press your muscle mass
Against my softness.
I’m Wrapped up in you
So Beautifully.
The cold frame of the car
A stark contrast
To the heat rising
Between us.
Together for a moment.
Fleeting.
We say Goodbye again,
Untangle.
Until next month or so.
Willing myself to leave,
I Sink into the seat
With my head still spinning
Pulling the belt across my chest
Tightly strapping myself in.
Practicing self restraint
To keep from floating away.
Rainswood Nov 2017
I tore the pages from my past
and smiled at you
as I offered each writing to the fire
flames consumed beautifully
the jagged words
that for the longest time
my head stabbed into my heart

bindings loosely held together now
missing the bulk of the stack
the stiches have been torn
but the hardcover still remains

in a book that I no longer carry
ashes are the words
that no longer serve me
On making attempts to clear out the clutter of sadness and heartache
Rainswood Jul 2022
My shadow person
Is back.
She wants control of me
Again.

She is rebellious and devious
With a ravenous appetite
for attention
In any form.

Negativity is better than numbness
She says.
With Violence brewing in her heart
She excites me.

I should **** her
somehow.
I think.
But I Don’t know how.

I’m afraid.
For everyone
Except for myself.
We have been together for so long.  
I believe her when she says
She loves me.

She’s dangerous.
Capable of terrible things
She loves to lead me astray
Just to watch me go stumbling down that path.
Again.

She throws her head back laughing
Manically.
As I’m writhing in pain,
Hands clutching my heart.

I should **** her
Somehow.
I think.
But I don’t know how to separate our souls, intertwined.

Instead,
I hold her close to me every night.
Better than being alone,
She says
And I agree.

Stepping into the harsh daylight
With an energy hangover-
Drained.
I know that we’re both wrong.
Rainswood Jul 2021
I’ve tried to leave her before
but watching from the plane I cry.
the patchwork valley below
digs into my heart.  
nestled between blue mountains
cradle me here, I am safe.
I literally cry whenever I fly away from home, therefore I know is where I’m supposed to be.
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