My shadow person
Is back.
She wants control of me
Again.

She is rebellious and devious
With a ravenous appetite
for attention
In any form.

Negativity is better than numbness
She says.
With Violence brewing in her heart
She excites me.

I should **** her
somehow.
I think.
But I Don’t know how.

I’m afraid.
For everyone
Except for myself.
We have been together for so long.  
I believe her when she says
She loves me.

She’s dangerous.
Capable of terrible things
She loves to lead me astray
Just to watch me go stumbling down that path.
Again.

She throws her head back laughing
Manically.
As I’m writhing in pain,
Hands clutching my heart.

I should **** her
Somehow.
I think.
But I don’t know how to separate our souls, intertwined.

Instead,
I hold her close to me every night.
Better than being alone,
She says
And I agree.

Stepping into the harsh daylight
With an energy hangover-
Drained.
I know that we’re both wrong.

I’ve tried to leave her before
but watching from the plane I cry.
the patchwork valley below
digs into my heart.  
nestled between blue mountains
cradle me here, I am safe.

If only you would’ve read my writing,
Perhaps you could’ve seen
The emptiness inside of me.
But you didn’t care enough to look
Closely.
Should’ve would’ve could’ve
Didn’t

Stayed in the tub until the water got cold
trying to determine the causal link
Days when I’m even keeled, nothing flows
But when things get shaky
And The unknown of tomorrow
crushes my rib cage
That’s when I’m bursting with creativity.

We must travel in this direction in order to make our way home.
Through the cloud of putrid stench that hangs around the Water treatment plant.
Past the places we threw our love away
like floppy old winter hats on the interstate.
Repeatedly Submitting to truck tires.
Rising up for a moment in the rush of wind
Longing to be set free,
Only to succumb to the crushing weight and the grind of the pavement again.

Substances,
I can use them to fill me up.
Red wine and smoke rings
Soften the edges
Of the shattered pieces
I carry around Inside.
Ousted From the doldrums.
Only a slight yellowing
Is left behind.
A squeeze of lemon
Will fade it out in the sunlight
For all these years
Of living this life,
I’ve gained
Knowledge,
Expertise
Of evidence removal.

I am lonely
I say to the dark eyed stranger
I should move, I think.
That would be the right thing to do.
Ignoring the self that I know so well
I stay.

******* slowly behind the thin fabric
I want him to notice my silhouette in the morning light

I will take you anywhere you want to go, he says to me and I want to let him

We fly through the night of a million fireflies-
Stumble downhill together in the darkness.

******* myself slowly again
behind the thin fabric
between us

I change out of my flowing skirts of freedom
back into the uniform of conformity

Drown myself in the river of time
Bloated in my mind.
Sorrow,
Regret.
Plucked out by the roots
Embedded so deeply
Supposedly free.
How to heal over?
Find compassion for my seventeen year old self
Forgive?
Forget?
Move forward with her cells still circulating inside of me.
Proven scientifically.
Ugliness wells up inside
Self disgust too gross to hide
Manifest on the outside
Mark my face-
Red and raw
Heavily sedated
Medicated.
Artificially dilated

I did it again,
The seeking thing.
Attention please!
The pattern repeats.
Oh my goodness, look at me.
Watch my every movement from behind your sunglasses.
Our passionate tension
on display for the world to see.
The pattern repeats.
I seek fulfillment
and you want to
Give it to me,
Yes, you do.
The pattern repeats.
When the sun sets
And the sweat on our skin has dried
We will meet in the forest.
We know how this goes,
The pattern repeats.
I appreciate
your willingness to help me
Find whatever it is
That I need.
Oh, yes.
The pattern, it repeats.
Awareness,
This thing that I do,
To myself and him and you
Is only a symptom
of the problem
So, The pattern repeats.
Afraid to confront the truth.
How devastating!
The pattern repeats.
Gazing up at you,
I feel seen.  
Sink my spinning head into your heavy chest.
The pattern repeats.
The pattern repeats.
The pattern repeats.
You understand
Exactly what it is
that I need.
It feels so beautiful to be
Held and free.
I will search for you again,
And I know
That you will show.
Until it is broken,
The pattern repeats.

I need not look down to know
I am in the same pattern again.
I know this path
This is the gulch that I clambered my way from last season  
When my chin was set strong, gaze fixed on the horizon
One slip and I have lost my footing again
The forest floor
cool, rich dampness
I intensely enjoy myself down here
You want to join in on my adventures
But I know where this path leads and the summit is pain

Boiling resentment
Aimed straight at you
Icy eyes slashing
Lashing out
A gleaming blade
Rage
Sullenness becomes me
Chiseled cheekbones
Rising Hatred
Blame
Mask the underlying truth
Sadness

The tides of time pulled us in opposite directions.
You left this small town and the trauma that it held-
confined by the mountains on both sides
dismal skies, narrow minds.

I stayed at home and anchored my roots  
deep down in the Virginia clay.

With smell of the feed mill hanging in the air
you came to say goodbye,
My head was on backwards then
I didn't really see you leave.

You were on your way-
Wide open spaces,
A different perspective.

In our poet’s hearts we could communicate-
high vibrations, unexplained.
A friendship thriving without any nourishment.

Now that you have returned to where I am planted,
it's as if two decades haven't elapsed.

I am filled with gratitude
to hear the ringing of your laughter again.

Don’t even think you’re getting
out of here alive.
.
Well, nobody does so we should seek pleasure.
.
What’s living
without the intoxicating
grip of lust?
.
A wellspring of despair.
.
Spilt me open with your tongue.
.
I’m trauma.
Wrapped in Ivory lace
with a citrus twist
.
Enter into this new realm
Of endless possibilities
And sufferings.
.
A wellspring of delight.

What’s your damage?
She asked of me
Tilting her head to the side
And Squinting
inquisitively
I picked at my chipping nail polish
And stared down at my boots.
Hugging my knees into my chest,
I Held onto myself tightly
The fire in my belly
sizzled up my welling tears
And flipped my sadness into rage
As I Flew around the room
Like a trapped bird
Hurling obscenities
And upturning chairs
Just For Sitting there, looking stupid. Empty.

I have thrown so much pain into this river
Watched it sink to the bottom to corrode

Like that overturned car with a tree growing up through the rust
Nobody cared enough to remove her?

All the vital fluids swept away in the current over thirty years ago.
Intoxicating the environment.
But Mother Nature took root
In Attempt to reclaim her own life.

My view is different nowadays.

Gazing downstream
It Bubbles up occasionally
Leaving Ripples,
Raindrops, Reminders

But so much of my past is cast away
Sunken, settled deep in the mud
In this polluted river that holds so much of my heart

You and I cannot be friends
And yet,
Here we go again.
Staying up until two
Breathing into the phone.

Tiptoeing around a full blown affair

Enchanted by the soft, hazy glow of the night sky. The tree frog’s chorus.

The tug of Loneliness on our hearts
Choosing
Adventure over dying on the vine.

Lying and gazing,
Laughter and lazing,
Slippery fingers and broken pieces
Delicious tension.

You stay in your bed, your life
And I lie in mine.

You and I cannot be friends.

You are hedges
I am bramble
You are a button down-buttoned up
I am a sundress with no ******
You are Monday
I am the full moon
You are toast
I am olives and mushrooms
You are the riverbed
I am the babbling stream
Rolling over you incessantly
You retreat,
I attack
You are grass
I am chicory, clover, daisies
You are khakis
I am holey jeans
You are kindness,
I am instinct
You show up early
I come home late
You are Monday
I am the full moon
You are leather trimmed comfort
I am humid nights spent tossing
You keep both hands on the wheel
I dance mine in the wind
You are roots, deeply anchored
trunk straight and proud
I am light and airy
treetops blowing in the breeze

I know that I **** you-
Just a little bit every time.

I hear the slight whimper escape your lips
Like a baby thirsting for milk.

Torturing you
With the blueness in my eyes.

Perhaps it’s cruel,
nurturing this tension
For my own aspirations.

Keeping you within fingertips distance
Then abandoning you again.

But you make me feel like art,
and that is lovely.