I'm always holding my breath
Waiting for the other shoe to drop
Waiting for the water to swallow me whole
Waiting for everything
To blow up in my face
This will all blow up in my face

And then it doesn't

I can't let go
I can't allow myself to feel secure
To be happy
To let him cradle my heart
In his hands
I'm afraid he will crush it
Or drop it into the ocean
To fill up with water like a sponge
And drown

I wish I could see the future
To know if you were meant for me
So I could have a dream to look forward to
And ease this onset of anxiety
I wish I could read your heart
Like a glowing crystal ball
To know how you truly felt
And if you did care for me after all
I wish I could read the skyline
The subconscious of your mind
To know if there is something between us
In any other time
Dwelling
I'm left with enormous thirst
Like a half bloomed flower
Waiting for it's moment to burst
But not every bud blooms
And not every future is certain
And while you are lost in another flower field
I am waiting beyond a clouded curtain
Watching
Waiting to feel your feet on my path
Waiting for you to visit
Will you pluck me in your wrath?
Or plant yourself in the space next to mine


Not every bud blooms
But this bud could bloom in time...

The weather is sweet today
64 degrees
Blush colored sky promises sun again tomorrow
Today's breeze is the first breath I've taken all year
And my lungs are atrophied

I'm healing now
Washing the debris from the beach sands he tainted
Letting my ocean of tears out for high tide
To scrape the memory of him from the land
I'm laying these feelings to rest
A cherry sunset in my chest
I'm healing still
And the warmth of the light against my Scorpio waters makes me feel better
Salty waves washing him further down
His litter resting on my heart’s floor
How long until he completely dissolves?
Regardless,
I think I'm healing now
Laying these feelings to rest
The cherry sunset in my chest

His name is a compulsion
It's his name that comes to the tongue first
Was it love?
I used to think so but probably not
Love isn't suppose to crumble so suddenly
I am embarrassed by it now
I wish I had kept quiet
Let myself go up in flames and down in ashes
Because now the humiliation is too much to bare
Why do I only love him when I am sad
Why does my depression cause me to gravitate to him with such need for comfort
I don't love him
I love the distraction that comes with him
I never loved him
I loved the idea of him

He’s sweet
I bite into him and feel the juices pool in my throat
He’s bitter
His aftertaste
The sting of rejection lingers in my mouth

I’ve always been addicted to grapefruit
Its natural tang much like melancholy
Much like the nightshade of my heart
I bite off more than I can chew
I live for contradiction
And it’s addiction to love

Grapefruit is a woman
A woman who feels too deeply
A woman who is sweet and sour
The woman I’ll never be
I can only consume
I ate too much

Grapefruit is the man I love
Sweet and bitter
The sting of rejection lingers in his mouth
Give me more
I’m still addicted

I was a flower
who longed to be watered
but he didn't like flowers
so I knew I would wilt
and that was fine

He began to water the roses
and my thirst rejuvenated
but he didn't like dandelions
no one waters a ****

As roses bloomed my roots withered
a bright yellow flower turned to white seeds
he steps on me
my seeds blow away...

How at this point do I even live without him...
There lies this great emotional dependency
That makes me think, maybe I am addicted
As if he were my drug, and I inject him in every vein.
Breathe him in until I no longer struggle for breath
Fill my lungs up with his smoke so I can feel again
Suffocate in his radiance until I am whole and new
Melt under the sound of his voice to feel it claw deeper into my soul
Swallow his pills of butterflies
Smell the flowers he's planted within me
Consume their seeds and cry
Let my tears be the water for flowers roots to spread further into my heart
And let bouquets spring from every orifice
And burst violently from my chest; engulfing me
Place me at the center of this garden he's grown.